Recovery - 15. Chapter 15

Alex woke with a start to an empty room. Fishing for his phone he found with a shock that it was 10am. He’s slept through the night and into the next day. He leaped out of bed, his heart pounding. Who knows what might have happened while he slept. Why had no one woken him? What was happening with Kei? Had he asked for him?

He tore through the corridor and almost collided with a nurse. “Easy there, Alex. Calm down. No one’s stolen your man, although I think Julie’s tried.”

Alex grinned. “Is he alright?” he asked anxiously and the nurse patted his arm.

“He’s fine. In fact, there’s been a bit of good news this morning so he’s a happy bunny.”

“Good news?”

“Go find out. Your mum’s with him. She was feeding him ice cream the last I looked.”

Alex proceeded in a more stately manner and his heart turned over when he opened the door of Kei’s room.

“Alex!” Kei cried as soon as he saw him. He was sitting up in bed with new, fluffy looking pillows behind him.”

“Your new mum pillows me bought,” he said excitedly, his words getting stuck a little in the middle. “Bugger,” he said with a frown.

“I got the message Alex responded softly. “They look comfy.”

“They are. Tell him,” he demanded of Rose. “I all mixed up get.”

Rose smiled. “All sorts of firsts today, Alex. Kei’s been spoiled. What have you had altogether?” she asked rhetorically. “Ice cream, jelly, chocolate.”

“Orange juice,” he said with a huge grin on his face. “Mmm.”

“And we’ve had some good news,” Rose continued. “Kei is going to be moved today. Maybe soon. They’ve got a place for him in the rehab ward. He’s going to have an appointment with the physiotherapist this afternoon for an assessment and then start getting strong again.”

Alex’s stomach flipped. One the one hand he was delighted at the progress Kei was making but, on the other he was scared. Here in the ICU Kei was being taken care of twenty four seven with a nurse, and either him or his mother, constantly at his side. On a main ward he’d be left to fend for himself.

“Will I be able to stay with him?” he asked the nurse, Julie.

She shook her head. “Sorry, hun. Normal visiting hours apply down there. You’ll be able to visit from two to five and seven to eight thirty.”

Kei went still, colour draining from his face. “Not Alex? Not anyone?”

“You won’t be abandoned in the middle of the desert, hun. There will be other patients and nurses and—.”

“No Alex,” he said, his voice full of horror. “Won’t go.” He pursed his lips and frowned deeply.

“Don’t be silly. They’ll take care of you really well. Think of it as a step towards freedom.”

“No Alex. Won’t go.”

“Kei….”

“Alex….Mam and Dad. Not safe.”

“You’ll be safe, babe,” Alex said his stomach squirming with the same thoughts. Although his heart felt ready to break at the thought of not seeing Kei every minute of the day, the worst thing of all was the terrible dragging fear that if they weren’t there Kei’s parents would swoop in and snatch him away.”

“Don’t worry about that. Everyone knows the situation. No one’s going to take Kei anywhere and if they try we’ll contact you straight away.”

“Not safe,” Kei said, sounding as if he was on the edge of tears.

“You’ll be perfectly safe. I promise. I’ll make sure everyone downstairs knows the situation and no one will do anything without consulting you.”

“No. Want, Alex,” Kei said stubbornly. He turned his eyes to Alex, and Alex felt as if someone was shining an interrogation lamp at him. What was he supposed to do?

“I…. I don’t know, Kei. I’m not happy about it, but…. Well, this is an ICU and it’s supposed to be for very ill people and you’re not anymore and—.”

“Alex?” Kei sounded distraught and Alex wanted to go to him and hold him and tell him everything would be alright, that he would make it alright but he truly didn’t know what to do and he was so tied up in panic and indecision he did nothing. “Alex, save me,” Kei begged and Alex looked helplessly at his mother.

“Kei, darling,” she said, taking his hand. Kei jumped as if someone had stuck a needle in him. “Listen, sweetheart. This is a good thing. You’re going to get physio to help you back onto your feet. In a few days you’ll be walking out of here and you’re strong enough now to stand up for yourself if anyone tries anything. Alex will be here every day, for as long as he’s allowed.”

“No,” Kei said with real venom and flung out his hand almost knocking Rose off the stool. “No. Alex? Please Alex.”

“I don’t know what you’re asking for, Kei. What do you want me to do?”

“Stay. Not leave.”

“I will. As long as I can, I will.”

“Today… I move… you go.”

“I…. I don’t know.” He turned to Julie who shook her head. “You have to stick to visiting times. You’ll be able to stay with Kei until normal visiting time ends, then you’ll be thrown out.”

“I’m sorry, Kei.”

“You leave me?”

“No, don’t be silly. I’m not going to leave you. Kei, you’re not stupid. You know the score. There’s nothing we can do. They won’t let us.”

“Let? I need you.”

“No you don’t. Not as much as you think you do. It’ll be alright, babe. I promise it—.”

“Get out.”

“What?” Kei had gone still, glaring at Alex. There was a strange, closed look on his face and he was white, apart from a blush of high colour over his cheeks. Alex knew that look. Kei was mad, really mad and he was walking on dangerous ground. “I’ll do my very best, Kei, I promise.”

“Get. Out,” Kei spat through clenched teeth.

“Kei,” Julie said. “Don’t take it out on Alex. This is not his fault and there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s been here every moment since you were brought in. He’s exhausted himself and—.”

“Shut up,” Kei ground out then, still glaring at Alex, he hissed. “Get out. Get my room the fuck out of.” His difficulty speaking just racked up the temper and he was practically spitting when he yelled. “Out. Get out. Fuck off, Alex. Get out.”

Alex was so shocked he was frozen, staring, while his boyfriend screamed at him to get the hell away from him and fuck off. He numbly allowed Rose to steer him out of the room and he could still hear Kei yelling when she closed the door behind them.

“Come on, Alex. Let’s go get a coffee.”

“No,” he whispered, then the whole situation crashed down on him and he looked at her, almost choking with pain. “What happened?”

“Come away, darling and we’ll talk about it over coffee.”

“No. No, I have to go back in. I have to explain. He’s so upset and I—.”

“Alex, I think Kei needs some times honey. He needs to calm down and he won’t do that if you’re there.”

“But why? Why is he so mad? I can understand he’s scared and worried but why was he yelling at me? What have I done?”

“Nothing, darling. You haven’t done anything. Kei needed someone to shout and you were there. He loves and trusts you and he felt safe to yell at you because he knows you’ll always be here for him.”

“I have to go back.”

“If you go back in there he’ll yell at you again. He’s angry and frightened and needs to calm down. Come on.”

Alex paused with his hand on the door handle, then he sighed and followed his mother down to the canteen.

“But it’s not Kei. He doesn’t do this, not even when he’s mad. He doesn’t get angry like this. Not with me. He’s never—.”

“Well, the doctor did warn us that he might have some personality changes and maybe this is one of them.”

“No. What…? What does this mean? Is he going to be like this all the time? Is he going to get mad like this all the time? Scream at me? Send me away? I… couldn’t’… I don’t know if I could handle it.”

“You’ll handle it. You’ll handle it because you love him and because, underneath this anger and frustration he’s still the same sweet Kei.”

“But I can’t…. What if he flies off the handle at any little thing? What if I have to watch every word and movement in case…?”

“Then you look at the situation again at that time. Now isn’t the time to be looking too far into the future. You don’t know this is part of his illness and you don’t know it’s going to be permanent any more than you do with the speech thing. It could all be gone by tomorrow. He’ll feel better once he’s down on the ward and realises it’s not as bad as it seems.”

“Maybe. What should I do? Do you think he’s calmed down yet?”

“Shall we go see?”

“I want to be with him. I want to hold him and tell him it’s going to be alright.”

“Then that’s what you should do and hope he’ll let you.”

It was all quiet in Kei’s room as they approached. Alex spotted Julie at the nurse’s station. She looked up and smiled at him as he approached.

“How are you doing? You okay?”

“I’m fine. How’s Kei?”

“Asleep. He wore himself out.”

“Did he…? Was he alright when I’d gone?”

“I wouldn’t say ‘alright’ is the right word. He turned on me and shouted for a while, then burst into tears and cried himself to sleep.”

“Oh my God. I have to go to him.”

“He’ll be alright for a little while. At the moment I’m more concerned about you.”

“He’s fine,” Rose said, “Alex’s got a level head. He knows this is not Kei, not really.”

“Well, it wasn’t a total surprise to me. It’s very common in brain injury patients. He’s been very stable emotionally until now. It was inevitable he’d have a blow out sooner or later.”

“Is he going to be like this all the time? Is this that personality change I’ve been warned about?”

“Possibly. Or maybe it’s just Kei being lost and scared and helpless and frustrated. He’s getting stronger and more aware of what’s going on around him and it’s scary. Don’t forget he’s also thinking about what happened to him and it’s quite usual for people in his position to worry about relapsing. Quite often coma patients are afraid to go to sleep in case they don’t wake up. It’s a lot to handle, especially when he still isn’t feeling physically well.”

“I know. It’s just… I don’t know if I can bear that again. Kei’s never shouted at me like that. I felt…. It hurt.”

Julie impulsively hugged him, taking him by surprise. “Hun, he’s hurting too. He’s hurting more, so I think he should get the benefit of the doubt for a while. Whatever he might think right now, he needs you like he’s never needed you before. The next few weeks are going to be hell for him. Physio isn’t a pleasant experience and he’s going to have to come to terms with whatever difficulties emerge. He’ll need someone with him, someone he can lean on, someone he can shout at when he’s frustrated and in pain”

“Oh. I….” Alex sighed. “Of course I’ll be there for him. As if I could turn away now. I’ll do whatever needs to be done.”

Julie squeezed his shoulder. “It’ll be fine. He’s a good man and so are you. You’ll get through it.”

“Do you think it would be alright to go and sit with him?”

“Honey, the last thing he said before he fell asleep was, ‘I’m so sorry, do you think Alex hates me now?’ I think it’s safe to go sit with him.”

Alex felt as though a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He impulsively hugged Julie and almost wrenched the door of its hinges.

Kei stirred when he sat down and took his hand. He was curled on his side, facing Alex. Slowly, breathtakingly, his eyes fluttered open and Alex smiled, reaching out to brush the hair out of his face. It hadn’t been washed for a long time and was sticky and tangled.

“Alex,” Kei whispered. “Alex you do me hate?”

“No. Of course I don’t hate you. I love you. I love you so much. I could never hate you.”

“I’m so sorry,” Kei said, sniffing. “I was…. I. Was. Scared. I. So…rry.” He was really struggling to get his words out and Alex couldn’t bear it. He put his arms around Kei and held him tight when he cried.

“I love you, Kei. I love you so much. I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you and I love you even more now. I don’t care if you shout at me sometimes, get your frustrations out on me. I have broad shoulders, I can take it.”

“But…but you…. You always there been for me. I bad things about you said.”

“I don’t care. I swear, I don’t care. I don’t care if you say you hate me because I know you don’t. I know you love me as much as I love you. You’ve proved it a hundred times and never more than when you were trying so hard to make me happy when you were so sick. I have a lot of making up to do.”

“No. None. Me. I have.”

“No, you don’t. let’s just wipe the slate clean, huh? Both start fresh and not owe each other anything.”

“Yes. Yes that’s good.”

They held each other close until Julie came back.

“You two made up?”

“Yes. We’re good.” Alex straightened up carefully sliding his arm out from under Kei who was asleep again.

Kei murmured “Alex,” and turned over but didn’t wake.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. It’s hard, Julie. It’s all so hard. Does he really have to go down to the ward? Can’t he stay here until it’s time to go home, so I can stay close to him.”

“Alex, you know that’s not possible. Kei doesn’t need to be here anymore but there are seriously ill people out there who really do.”

Alex sighed. “I know. Can’t he come home then?”

“He needs to get the physio started first. He can hardly sit up by himself.”

Alex sighed deeper. “I know that too, but it’s going to be unbearable to leave him and I’ll be going home. He’ll be here alone.”

“He’s not going to be alone, Alex. He’ll be looked after well.”

“I know, but you’ve seen how he is. Like you said, he’s scared and he won’t talk to anyone about it. That’s what he’s like. He doesn’t talk to people sometimes, when it’s deep inside him. Trust me, he’ll be alone.”

“I don’t know what to say to you, Alex. Just give it a chance, see how it goes.”

“Alright. I’ve got no choice really have I?”

“Give it a chance and see.”

Alex nodded and smiled a faint smile.

When the doctor came, Alex had to wait outside for the assessment. When he went back in Kei looked as if he had a thunder cloud over his head.

“Is everything alright?”

“No,” Kei snapped, “Not alright.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Mr Prince is unhappy about being moved out of the ICU. He’s not being very co operative about it.”

Alex bit his lip and looked back and forth between Kei and the doctor.

“The fact is,” the doctor said in a softer voice, “Kei really doesn’t need to be here anymore. He’s more than well enough to handle the general ward. He needs to get up and start moving around and they’re much better at that on the rehab ward. He’ll be with other people in the same boat and will have someone to talk to.”

“I have Alex.”

“You’ll have people who really understand what you’re going through, Kei, because they’ll be going through it themselves.”

“Good for them. Let go me home.”

“I’m sorry, you’re not up to that yet.”

“How long?”

“Depends how hard you work with the physios. It might be as little as a few days, a week. But it depends entirely on you.”

Kei bit his lip and lay back. “Alright. I go. Alex is coming.” It wasn’t a question but a bald statement.

“He can come with you for now but he’ll have to go at five.”

“No.”

“You’re a stubborn one, that’s for sure, but this is not a democracy, I’m afraid. There are rules and you have to stick to them, just like everyone else. You may be a Prince by name but you’re not a prince really and can’t expect to be treated like one.”

Alex snorted and Kei glared at him. The doctor raised an eyebrow. “I call him ‘princess’ sometimes,” Alex explained with a smile. “When he’s in one of his moods.”

“Don’t have moods,” Kei declared. “No a princess.”

“You’re being a bit of a princess right now, Kei.” Alex said and Kei looked up with shock on his face. Then reluctantly, he smiled.