Recovery - 8. Chapter 8

The snow was beautiful. At the front of the hospital the comings and goings of ambulances, visitors and everyone else had pretty much battered it into submission but here, in the enclosed hospital garden, it was another world. A few sets of footprints paraded around the perimeter but even they were half filled up with a fresh fall.

The trees were bare apart from the snow and the sparkling crystals of the tiny snowflakes glittered and shone in the light of the many windows that peeped into it. A few benches sat around and watched as the falling flakes made patterns on the sunken lighting that was hot enough to stop being covered entirely.

The snow had stopped now and the night sky was clear. There were stars peeping through here and there but too much light to see many. It was strangely silent. The world seems to hold its breath when there’s deep snow. As if it’s waiting for something. The next snowflake perhaps, or the gasps of wonder of people peering out of their homes and catching their breaths at the strange alien world.

It was cold enough to freeze a warm heart and Alex thrust his hands under his armpits to try to keep warm. He was getting stir crazy inside and, although it was killing him to be away from Kei, if he’d sat there for one moment longer and listened to Kei’s parents pretending they gave a crap he’d have said something that might have got him banned. How dare they. How fucking dare they. They hadn’t been near all year and now, suddenly, they’re shooting for parents of the year. What the fuck was with that?

“Penny for them?”

He turned, startled, then smiled. Rose wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder. For a moment they watched the stars together.

“I needed to get away.”

“I noticed you making a run for it. I also noticed who you were making a run from.”

Alex growled. “If he could, Kei would be vomiting at that horrendous dumping of bullshit. They don’t give a crap about him when he really needs them. He was really upset over Christmas when they wouldn’t see him. You know that.”

“They didn’t exactly say they wouldn’t see him, hun.”

“They told him that if he went home for Christmas he’d have to pretend he wasn’t with me—that he wasn’t with any man at all.”

“Only in front of their family and friends.”

“Mum, don’t defend them,” Alex said shrugging out of her arms. “Isn’t it enough that I have to put up with their crap without having you defend them?”

“They’re his parents Alex, and if you’re serious about Kei then….”

“Serious about him? Of course I’m serious about him. You know that. I’ve never been more serious about anything or anyone in my life.”

“I know that, Alex. What I was trying to say is that Kei has parents and a sister. He has a family and if you’re serious about him you’re going to have to be serious about them too.”

“Huh. Serious about them…? Maria’s a cool kid…and I like Jace a lot but…”

“But Bonnie and Frank are Kei’s parents. You can’t get away from that.”

“I wish you’d stop defending them.” He stomped off, out into the snowy garden. Suddenly it was all slightly sinister. The crouched bushes hiding under the snowy blanket were waiting to leap out at him and the rustling beneath them made the hairs rise on the back of his neck. Little noises from all over spooked him, mostly because he was so off step.

Sensibly, he knew his mother was right, that he would have to find some middle ground with Kei’s parents. It was clear now that, whatever he might say, Kei still loved his parents… his mother, at least, and they were going to have to do something to work that out when he was better. Better? What if…?

Shaking himself, Alex sank down on one of the seats, not caring about the cold shock as the snow soaked into his jeans.

“Did you have to do that?” Rose asked, frustrated. “You can’t sit around all night in soaking wet jeans.”

He shrugged. “I’ll take them off. Kei won’t mind.”

“No, but there are plenty of people who will. Me for one. I don’t want to see my one and only son parading about and flashing his bits to all and sundry.”

“You don’t seem to have a problem with your daughter doing it.”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because she gets paid for it.”

“Alex.” Rose sounded shocked and hurt and he immediately felt bad. It wasn’t his mother’s fault. Rose was a beautiful person. She saw good in everyone and it wasn’t her fault she saw it in Bonnie too.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being a jerk.”

“Yes you are,” Rose said perching on the arm of the seat and putting her arm around her son’s shoulders. “But it’s okay, I understand. It’s a hard time for you. Just remember it’s a hard time for everyone else too. Kei is Bonnie’s son. You have no idea what it feels like to be a parent, the way you feel about your child. It’s a feeling like no other anyone will ever have. When you have them whole and well in front of you it’s easy to get pissed with them, to build up all kinds of walls and barriers. They should do this…. They shouldn’t do that…. They never visit, they don’t call, they don’t care. But when they’re sick….”

Gently Bonnie stroked her son’s white blonde hair. “When they’re hurt or in trouble you’d move heaven and earth for them and forgive anything. Bonnie loves Kei, she loves him more and in a different way than you could ever imagine. She’s a mother and he’s her son. What’s past is past and I wish you’d just give her a chance. Just see how things go and give her the benefit of the doubt in the meantime.”

“I…I’ll try.”

“That’s my boy.” She ruffled his hair. “It really is pretty out here isn’t it? But cold as hell. Why don’t you let my get you a coffee before we go back.”

“What here? In the hospital canteen? Don’t be daft, it tastes like crap.”

“There’s a McDonalds across the way. The food’s crappy but the coffee’s pretty good.”

“I’m not leaving the hospital.”

“It’s across the road, Alex. It’s probably not much further away from Kei than we are here.”

“But we’re still in the hospital. I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving here and I’m not leaving Kei.” He sounded ferocious. He knew he was being silly… childish even, but he’d got to a stage where he was so tired and so scared and so frustrated he didn’t really care what he said or what he did. It was nice though, sitting here with his head against his mother’s side and her hand stroking his hair.

His mother smelled nice, Alex decided. He’s always thought that but he’d forgotten since he’d been away at university. Rose made her own soaps and cosmetics, as well as basic herbal remedies and such. It hadn’t always been pleasant when she was dosing the kids with homemade syrups and concoctions, but she always smelled lovely.

“Come on. Let’s get you back upstairs. Jess has some spare clothes upstairs for you.”

“She does?”

“She brought a bag with all kinds of stuff. She’s brought your laptop too. I haven’t mentioned it because I didn’t think you’ve really been in a place to want to use it.”

“No. You can use it if you like. Keep abreast with what’s going on in the outside world.”

“I was thinking more that, if you’re going to be staying here for a while, you might want to use it to do someone your university work. Jess has brought…”

Alex groaned. “Oh thank you, Jess. Do you really think I care about any of that right now? That I give a damn about university or exams or anything outside this hospital.”

“No, but I also know that when this is over you will care. You’ll be gutted if you fail your exams.”

“You’re crazy if you think I care a whit about the exams or the work, or the uni. All I care about is Kei. He’s not going to be doing any exams, is he? Not even if he wakes up right now. He’s going to have to redo the year and I’ll redo it with him.”

“Alex, you can’t….”

“Mum. Please. I can’t do this. I can’t think of university right now. Kei’s…. Kei’s the only thing that’s important and the only thing I can think about.”

“Okay. We’ll talk about it again tomorrow.”

“Nothing is going to have changed by tomorrow.”

“Who knows, darling,” she said, stroking his hair, “maybe everything will have changed tomorrow.”

But nothing changed. Rose managed to persuade Alex to go to McDonalds for coffee and something to eat and it started to snow again. Walking back to the hospital from the forced cheeriness of McDonalds, through the sacred whiteness of the snow, listening to the distorted sounds and watching the swirling flakes that obscured everything, Alex felt removed from reality, as if nothing could touch him. Nothing was real. The feeling stayed with him when he returned to the surreal atmosphere of the ward, with everything suppressed and artificial and hushed. He sat awake for hours, while his family and friends came and went, watching the world grow less and less substantial around him until he finally fell asleep half way through a thought about how the rhythm of the beeps of the monitors could be used as a sample on some digital music he’d been working on.

And then he woke up and everything was the same.

He got up, went to the bathroom, was persuaded to have a shower, refused to go to the restaurant for breakfast, ate some squashed sandwiches, drank three cups of bad coffee and sank into a waking coma, wilting over the bed as he held Kei’s hand. He jumped when he felt arms around his shoulder. He blinked up at the young doctor, who laughed at him.

“You look worse than I do and I’m sure you’ve had more sleep,” she said with a light laugh. “Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Yeah, I slept.”

“Where?”

“In the chair.” He nodded towards the nest that remained intact, the cocoon of blankets that had surrounded him, standing alone.

“That’s not sleeping. Go and lie down on one of the beds in the visitors room.”

“No. I’m alright.”

“You’re not alright and I refuse to have to treat another patient. I need to examine Kei and we have more tests to do so take the time to rest.”

“What kind of tests?”

“All kinds. Most of them repeating ones we’ve already done so we can see if there are any changes.”

“Oh. How long…?”

“I don’t know but as soon as I do, you will, okay?”

“Thank you.” He smiled at the doctor then bent down to kiss Kei’s hand. “I’m going to lie down for a while. I won’t be far, just in the visitors room. I can be here in no time if you need me. The doctor…you know, the nice one I was talking to you about, she’s here and she’s going to do some more tests so they can find out what’s wrong with you and make you better. I need you to try to do whatever you can to help, to show them, give them some sign of what’s going on, what’s wrong with you.”

He kissed Kei briefly on the lips. “I love you Kei. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” Straightening, he nodded to the doctor and walked out of Kei’s room. He felt as if he wasn’t quite real. He was walking on air and all around walls were turning transparent and sounds were getting muffled. He shook his head. Dammit he was losing it.

Everyone looked up when he walked into the room. It seemed as if they were the only ones using it at the moment. He’d not thought about it before but it suddenly seemed really strange. Were they the only ones left in the world? Had the snow somehow transported them into another dimension? Had…?

“Hey Alex, you look right out of it. Come and have something to eat. Do you want a coffee?” Alex blinked at Maria, having trouble working out what she was saying and even more trouble working out what she meant

“Tired,” he mumbled. “Need sleep.”

“You okay hun?” Rose asked.

“Not really. The doctor made me come lie down. I didn’t sleep much.”

“No, I know. Come on then. Lie down.” Rose fussed around him as he lay down on one of the row of camp beds that lined one end of the room. She tucked him in then left him. He lay staring up at the ceiling and listening to the bustle at the other end of the room, then slowly it all faded and he fell asleep.

Alex woke suddenly and his eyes snapped open. “Wha…what?”

“Ssh, it’s alright, Alex, easy. It’s only me.”

“Mu…Mum, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, darling. The doctor wants a quick word with you, that’s all. I don’t think it’s anything bad.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Alex scrabbled out of bed and had to admit the sleep seemed to have done him a lot of good. He was much clearer and things looked more hopeful than they had when he fell asleep. The doctor was waiting for him and, before he even reached Kei’s room, she headed him off.

“What’s wrong?” He started to get alarmed, especially when she sat him down and looked at him thoughtfully.

“Nothing’s wrong Alex, not as such. I just wanted to have a word with you before you go back in to see Kei. I was afraid you might get the wrong impression and I don’t want you getting your hopes up prematurely.”

“My hopes up? What do you mean? What’s going on?”

“There are different stages of being in a Coma, Alex. Overall, coma means being unresponsive, not interacting at all with the outside world but there are lots of different classifications, stages and degrees. Technically only the deepest withdrawal is actually a true coma. There’s another condition called Persistent Vegetative State. It’s like a coma, in that the patient isn’t reacting to the world around them, but they’re more responsive than when they’re in a coma.

“They have sleep/wake cycles, make spontaneous movements, sometimes sounds, and open their eyes. That doesn’t mean they’re awake or that they’re waking or that they’re any further along on the path to recovery. It’s just a different stage.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” Alex was panicking, his heart racing and his mouth dry. Was this a good thing she was trying to say, or a bad thing? “Persistent Vegetative State?” he repeated slowly. “Are you trying to tell me Kei’s a vegetable?” It killed him saying the words and he clamped his mouth shut immediately afterwards, fearing he was going to be sick.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. It doesn’t mean that, not at all. Kei’s far from being a vegetable. What I’m trying to tell you is that a patient in PVS is no nearer to actually waking up than when they’re in a coma, even though it might seem like that when they open their eyes.”

“Open their eyes? Kei’s opened his eyes?” From the depths of despair, Alex’s heart soared. The doctor sighed.

“Yes, but… Alex, sit down.” He was on his feet and ready to bolt for the door. “Alex. Sit.” The authority in her voice stopped him and he automatically dropped back into the seat. “This is why I needed to talk to you Alex. You can’t get too excited about this. His eyes are open but he’s not seeing anything. He’s not reacting with anyone. In so many ways he’s not really ‘there’. Don’t take it as a sign he’s waking up, because as far as I can tell, he’s not.”

“Oh. O…okay. I…. I’m sorry. I just…”

“Of course you are. Let’s just keep this calm, okay.”

“Yes. What…. What did the tests say?”

“Not much yet. All I can tell you is that whatever happened isn’t happening again. Kei isn’t getting any worse. Apart from his unresponsiveness he’s very stable. In fact he’s in really good shape.”

“Yeah, he’s doing great. Ready to run the marathon.”

“Hardly.” She laughed. Then she put her hand over Alex’s. “He’s in the best place he could be. This hospital has an amazing neurology unit. He couldn’t get better care anywhere.”

“Thank you. Can I go now?”

“Of course you can go. You don’t have to have my permission for that.” Alex got up and turned for the door. “I’ll talk to everyone else. You go ahead and sit with Kei. No doubt everyone is going to want to get in there as soon as they can but I’ll try to keep them back, give you a little time with him. You’ll probably want it.”

“Always,” he muttered as he opened the door and headed for Kei.

When he walked through the door of the room, the nurse was bending over Kei. She straightened when he came in and turned to smile at him. “You’ve spoken to the doctor?”

“Yes.” He barely saw her. He had eyes only for Kei. That had always been the case but now, even more so. “Oh God, Kei.”

He’d sat here for hours and prayed that Kei would open his eyes and now he prayed he’d close them again. Kei’s eyes had always been so expressive. It was possible to tell everything he felt, everything he was thinking from the expression in his eyes. If eyes were windows to the soul, Kei’s eyes were huge, sparkling clean, plate glass windows. They were a beautiful soft moss green and shone like the brightest jewels. Or at least they used to. Today, they were just flat discs of muddy green around a dull black pupil set in bloodshot white. They were fixed and staring at the ceiling, blinking slowly.

“Kei?”

Even when he interspersed himself between Kei and the spot on the ceiling he seemed to be examining there was no flicker at all. He was simply staring straight through Alex. There was no expression, no recognition, no life. Alex shivered deeply.

“Oh god, Kei. Why? Why is this happening to you us? To you? Why?”

He hung his head and started to cry. It was the first time he’d cried like this, just let go and allow his fear to pour out of his eyes. He wasn’t even sobbing. Just crying.

The nurse put her arm around Alex’s shoulders and squeezed him. “Come on now, son. Take it easy. It’s hard, I know. It’s even harder this way. I know that. It’s hard to see someone you love look at you without all the usual things you see in their eyes when they do. There’s no love or caring, no life or excitement or joy. It’s so hard. But it gets better darling. It gets better.”

“Does it? How can it get better? How can it?”

“It can get better, because he can get better. He’s one strong boy and he’s going to get better. He’s going to be fine.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes. I really think so. But it’s going to be a hard road, darling and you have to be ready to walk it with your head high and your shoulders back. You’re not going to be able to do it on your own and you’re not going to be able to do it if you shut yourself away. Take a deep breath, wipe your eyes then tell this lovely boy how much you love him.”

“I do,” Alex said, sniffing. “I do love him. Hear that, dickhead? I love you, so you’d better get your sorry arse back here before I drag it out of that bed and kick it around the hospital.”

“A novel way to tell someone you love them,” the nurse said with a smile. “But who knows, it might be effective.

Alex smiled and sat down, taking Kei’s hand. He realised with a shock that he’d been so focussed on Kei’s eyes that he’d failed to notice another significant change. They’d taken the bandage off his head. Alex had assumed they’d have shaved off his hair but there was no visible sign of the operation at all. Somehow, the fact that his face was surrounded by his raven hair again changed it. He looked like Kei again, like he would turn his head at any moment and smile his smile.

It wasn’t that Kei looked completely back to normal because the drugs he was being given bloated him and he looked puffy. But he was definitely looking more like himself. Alex wasn’t sure that was a good thing because in so many ways he made things worse. He sighed deeply and bent his head to speak to Kei.

“I know you’re in there, Kei and I know you can hear me. I don’t know how I know but I do. I want you to know that I’m going to stay with you forever no matter what. I want you to try as hard as you can to come back to me but if you can’t, if you can’t come any closer than you are now I’ll still be with you forever, at your side no matter where you are or what happens to you. I love you Kei. I love you with all my heart.”

“Be careful, Alex,” The nurse said softly. “Be very careful about making promises you can’t keep, that your boy wouldn’t want you to keep.”

“I’m not making any promises I can’t keep. Kei’s my world. Why would I ever want to be anywhere else?”

“You feel like that now, Alex, but how will you feel in a year, or five? Would Kei really want you to ruin your life? To cut yourself off from your family and friends, lose out on a life of fulfilment? What would you have to talk to him about? How soon would you start to resent him when you watch life going on outside the window?”

“Fi…five years? Do you…. Do you think…?”

“You know what I think but there are no guarantees in situations like this. If Kei doesn’t wake up you have to think really carefully about how long you’re prepared to wait for him.”

“I’ll wait forever,” Alex said stubbornly and the nurse smiled, shaking her head.

“It’s not going to make any difference to Kei, Alex but it will make all the difference to you. The guilt will be hard to live with if you break promises, so isn’t it better not to make them in the first place, to just take each day as it comes and see how it goes?”

“I…. Maybe.” Alex swallowed hard and looked at Kei again. Kei blinked sleepily and it was all Alex could do not to throw himself at him. Despite the bloating drugs he was the most beautiful being Alex had ever seen. How could he ever have hurt him? How could he have broken up with him? How could he have thought…? Guilt hit Alex like a fist in the stomach. He’d treated Kai like shit for weeks. He’d shouted at him and said terrible things to him and all the time he’d been sick and couldn’t help what was happening to him. He must have been so unhappy, so confused. Knowing Kei he’d tried hard, pushed himself, exhausted himself. What if…? What if he’d got this sick because he’d pushed himself too hard trying to please Alex? What if…?

“Oh my God.” The exclamation from the doorway startled Alex out of his maudlin thoughts. He looked up to see Kei’s mother. Bonnie was frozen, staring at her son with tears in her eyes.

“He looks different, doesn’t he?” Alex said quietly. “More like himself. But it makes it even harder, I think.”

“Yes.” Bonnie nodded, biting her lip. She drifted to the side of the bed and stroked Kei’s hair, which was still shiny and thick, even though it was stuck to his head. Kei gave not the slightest indication he knew she was there.

Bonnie sat down suddenly and started to cry. Alex felt an uncontrollable urge to hold her. He walked around the bed and put his arm around her shoulders. “It’s alright,” he said. “I’m going to look after him. No matter what happens, I’m going to look after him.” She shot the nurse a look but she just smiled.