Recovery - 6. Chapter 6

There was silence in the visitor’s room. Alex was surrounded by the people he loved. Even Bonnie was holding his hand.

“But someone has to know. Someone has to know something. Please, let me go find out. Please.”

“Someone will come, Alex. They know you’re waiting for news. As soon as they have some they’ll come and tell you.”

“But what could it be? What’s happening? He was fine. He was talking to us. He was…. Tell them.” He turned to Bonnie in desperation. “Tell them he was talking to us. It made sense. He made sense. He wasn’t…. he was alright. He was okay. Why? Why is this happening?”

“Easy Alex.” Rose hugged him while Barney’s reassuring voice rumbled over him. “You don’t know that anything’s happening, not yet. I expect they’ll be waiting for the doctor to come take a look at Kei. It might be something that means nothing. Keep calm until you know.”

“But I need…. I need…. I have to know.”

“And you will, when there’s something to know.”

“But….”

“All in its time Alex.”

He stopped fighting, feeling exhausted. “What’s happening to him?” he whispered, letting his head fall on his mother’s shoulder.

She tightened her arm around him. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

There were two other families sharing the visiting room at that time. Both had loved ones in the ICU and both were as much on edge as they were.

“You fall into a pattern after a time,” one elderly man told Rose. “It’s surprising what you can get used to, even when it’s alarms, panic buttons and endless waiting.” He smiled tiredly and went back to nurse what was probably his grandchild, while the child’s mother collapsed exhausted on one of the fold out beds they were offered to sleep on. The baby cried a thin cry in protest then settled again in its grandfather’s arms.

“It probably won’t mean much,” a girl of about Maria’s age, said, “but sometimes waiting really isn’t the worst part. At least when you’re waiting there’s hope. There was another family here before you came. Things were always going to wrong. Alarms going off in the middle of the night. Doctors running in and out. Her husband looked like a walking skeleton in the end, and the kids stopped coming. He said that there was a kind of peace in the waiting, not that he had much peace either way.”

“What happened to her?”

“I don’t know. They transferred her somewhere else.”

“What do you mean ‘transferred her’?”

“She was in a coma for a while. They took her off to some rehab center. I heard someone say that it’s where they go to veg out for the rest of their lives.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say.”

“It’s not a nice thing to happen, but I’m not going to make it any better or worse by anything I say.”

“Well… yeah… I suppose.”

Minutes passed, then hours passed and all the time Alex prayed. He wasn’t a Christian and had no idea who he was praying to. He just begged someone, anyone, please, please, please.

It was past midnight when the door opened and a tired looking young man in a white coat came into the room. “Alex Chambers?” he asked and Alex almost knocked him over in his haste to get to him and to get answers out of him.

“What’s happening? Is Kei alright? What happened? Why isn’t anyone telling me anything?”

“If you’d like to follow me, I’ll do my best to answer any questions you might have.”

“Questions, I… I only have one question. Is Kei alright? Is he?”

“If you’ll just pop into my office for a moment….”

“I don’t want to pop into your office, or go anywhere with you until you’ve answered my question. I just need to know. Please. What’s been happening all this time? Why hasn’t anyone told us anything? What’s happening?” Alex was exhausted and on edge, he had to stop himself grabbing the doctor by the front of his coat.

“Easy, Alex?” Barney appeared at his side, with Rose the other side.

“He’s out of his mind with worry. We all are.”

Bonnie and Frank muscled in. “Kei’s our son. I demand you… or someone tells us what’s going on right now, or we’ll be contacting the hospital administrators and the health trust.”

“I’m trying to tell you”

“Then tell us. Stop pussyfooting around.”

The doctor had the look of a cornered animal. He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. He looked as exhausted as the rest of them and that didn’t fill Alex with confidence. “Please,” he begged.

“We’ve been doing tests to try to determine why Kei became unresponsive. So far everything’s come back fine. There’s no bleeding in his brain, no sign of infection, no abnormalities in his blood or brain. Blood pressure is fine. Inter cranial pressure is a little increased but not enough to be to account for this. The fact is… I don’t have the answers you’re looking for. All I can say is that sometimes these things happen.”

“What things? What’s happened?”

The doctor looked confused. “Don’t you know?”

“Know what? We don’t know anything. One minute we were talking to Kei and the next we were being thrown out of his room. No one’s come near since.”

“Ah. I see. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what?” Alex could have grabbed and shook him. Maybe he would have if his parents hadn’t been holding on tight.

“Calm down, Alex. You’re not helping--,”

“Neither are you. What’s going on. Tell me.” Rose and Barney held on really tight.

“Well, for some reason, and we haven’t been able to find out what that reason is, Keyden--.”

“Kei?”

“Sorry?”

“His name’s Kei.”

“Oh. I…. I thought….”

“Keyden’s his name, Kei’s what he likes to be called. Whatever. Get on with it.” Frank glared at Alex for stalling the conversation. Alex barely noticed.

“Well… Kei, became spontaneously unresponsive. We don’t know why yet and we’re doing everything we can to find out.”

“What does it mean? Spontaneously unresponsive. What does that mean?”

Rose gripped Alex and pulled him in hard against her side. Bonnie half collapsed into Frank’s arms and Maria started to cry. Jace put his arms around her and held her close. Alex felt something slip into his hand and he looked down blankly to see Jess holding on to him and gazing up at him. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Sorry about what? What does it mean?”

“For some reason, Kei just stopped responding to the world around him. It’s as if he’s no longer ‘here’. He’s not acknowledging anything.”

“I still don’t understand. What does that mean? He’s not responding? But he’s okay? Apart from that he’s okay?”

“Apart from that?” The doctor glanced around. “Well….I suppose…. Apart from that.”

“Then he’s okay.”

“Alex, listen to me.” Rose turned him to look into her face. “Baby? Listen to me.” Alex tried to concentrate on his mother. Part of him was clinging to the idea that Kei was okay. The doctor had said that he was basically okay. But then the other part of him was calling him all kinds of stupid, because it knew that really wasn’t what the doctor had said. He didn’t want to listen to that part of him. He didn’t want to listen to his mother. The old man was right. Waiting isn’t worst.

“I’m okay.”

“No, Alex. Listen to me.” Reluctantly, he raised his eyes to meet his mother’s. She looked pale and tense but he had to admit that, for a mother, she was truly beautiful. She didn’t look anywhere near her age and could have been a model, like her daughter, except she didn’t have the personality for it. Caitlin was a bitch but Rose was as sweet and gentle as her name implied. She… “Alex. Listen.”

“Okay.”

“Alex, you’ve got to face this. I know you, and I know what you’re doing. You’re running away. Hiding behind words. You can’t do that here. Kei’s in a coma darling and the fact they don’t know why isn’t okay. It really isn’t okay.”

He stared at her, shaking his head. “No, that’s not right. That can’t be right. Kei’s okay.”

“No, Alex. No he’s not. You have to face this. Kei’s going to need you to be strong. We’re all going to need you to be strong. You have to calm down. Take a deep breath.”

“No.”

“Alex.”

Alex took a deep breath and it felt as if he was inhaling water. The side of him that had been trying to get him to face the truth battered down the barriers and swamped the other side of him that was trying to hide from it and the whole weight of it crashed in on him.

From somewhere far away he thought he heard someone say something about sitting down and passing out but he thrust it all away. Shaking off the hands he felt as if he was bursting out of water. Sounds got clearer, sights more sharply focussed. He could have sworn even the smells were sharper.

“I want to see him,” he demanded.

“Of course. There’s no reason why not. There’s nothing more we can do for tonight. By all means, stay with him. Or here…. I… I hope we’ll be able to give you more answers tomorrow.”

“I don’t care about tomorrow. I just care about now. I want to be with Kei now.”

“Then…” Alex pushed past the doctor and stalked out of the room. A strange sense of peace had fallen over him and he was completely calm and focussed.

Angela was still sitting with Kei. She looked up and smiled. “I wondered where you’d gone.”

“No one told me.”

“Really? No one? All this time.” Alex shook his head. “I’m sorry, Alex. If I’d known…”

“It’s okay.” He dismissed her from his attention, he needed it all to focus on Kei.

Nothing was different. He still looked as if he’d just fallen asleep. There were no more tubes or wires or anything that hadn’t been there before. Although…. There was one thing that wasn’t there that had been there before.

“Kei?” he whispered reverentially, taking his hand as if he was afraid it would break. “Kei, it’s me, Alex. I’m sorry I let them keep my away from you. I didn’t know. I wanted to be here. I wanted to be here so much. I love you, baby. You know I do. I’m waiting for you. Come back to me.”

“That’s the way,” Angela said, softly. “Keep talking to him. I can’t promise he’ll hear but it won’t hurt anyone if he doesn’t.”

“He’ll hear me. I know he will.” A thought occurred. He looked up. “Do you think that’s what he meant?”

“What do you mean sweetheart?”

“Before…. Before he…. When I was talking to him earlier… he said… he said. I told him he could let go and go to sleep and he said no. No, not never. Is this what he meant? Did he know this was happening to him? Did he? Did he know?”

“Who can tell? Maybe he did. At least maybe he knew something wasn’t right. I believe him though. I believe that if he said he wasn’t going to let go, he won’t.”

“But he did. He did let go. He’s gone….somewhere and I can’t go there. He left me behind. He promised he’d never leave me behind. He promised that, no matter what, we’d always be together. And then…now …he left me behind. He’s gone and he left me behind.”

“He hasn’t gone anywhere, darling. He’s still right here. He’s just stuck. Keep talking to him and touching him and holding on to him and he’ll find a way through.”

“Do you think so?”

“I’ve been a nurse for a long time and I’ve seen many, many patients come and go. Some of them live, some of them die and it’s not always easy to predict. But there’s one thing I do know. The ones with strong support, who have loved ones who talk to them, play music, touch, sing, just be with them… They do so much better than the ones who don’t.”

“Really?”

“For sure.”

Alex nodded and touched Kei’s cheek. “Did you hear that? I’m not going to give you a moment’s peace lover and you’ve got her to blame so, when you get sick and tired of me, so sick of me talking you have to wake up and tell me to shut up, you know who to blame, right?” He bent over and kissed Kei gently. It was a horrible kiss because there wasn’t the slightest twitch of a response.

“He will wake up,” he said firmly, as Rose appeared in the doorway, followed by Bonnie.

Amanda smiled and nodded. “I’ll pop out just for a few minutes, give you some time. If anything worries you give me a shout or press this button here. Try not to worry.”

“Worry? Try not to worry? Are you insane? Do you…?”

“Yes, Bonnie, I think she does.” Rose put her arm around Bonnie and held her close. “It will be alright.”

“How can you say that? No one can say that. No one…. No one can….”

Alex watched in wonder as Bonnie slowly fell apart. He’d never seen her being anything other than a super cool business woman. She’d never seemed flustered by anything and now she was crying in his mother’s arms. What the hell! The world was turning on its head and he didn’t know which way was up anymore. He found that he was holding on tight to Kei’s hand, not for any kind of reassurance for Kei but as an anchor for himself.

“Goddamit, man,” he said, laying his cheek on the pillow next to Kei, “the world’s gone fucking crazy. You better get back here and sort it out. I can’t do it on my own mate.”

“You alright, Alex?” he looked up, startled. Rose was smiling at him.

“Alright? No, I’m not alright. That was a silly question.”

“I know, but all measures are relative hun.”

“Oh right. I forgot. Well I guess yes then… I’m relatively alright… under the circumstances.”

“Good. That’s the best I can hope for. What about Kei?”

“Kei? How the fuck do I know if he’s alright. What am I saying? Of course he’s not alright. He’s in a fucking coma—how can he be alright?”

Rose smiled. “And now you’ve answered my question and to be honest, relatively speaking, you’re a lot more alright than I’d expected you to be.”

“I really hope insanity doesn’t run in our family. I’d be more than happy if it stopped with you.”

“Unfortunately it seems as if I’ve passed it on to both my children. One more than the other, but still…”

“That’s not fair. Just because Caitlin is making a fortune and getting her face on billboards and magazines, that doesn’t mean she’s any saner than I am.”

“I think you might have made a hasty assessment there darling. It doesn’t necessarily follow that because Caitlin is making a name for herself she’s the sane one. And don’t forget, just because she got off to a head start doesn’t mean she’s necessarily going to be first past the post.”

“You confuse me.”

“That’s okay, I confuse everyone.”

“But…”

“This really isn’t the time to discuss sibling rivalry and the relative sanity of my children. Let’s just say you’re equally insane and move on. How are you doing, Bonnie? Feeling any better.”

The time of light banter had given Bonnie space to find a foothold and she smiled somewhat uncertainly and moved back, out of Rose’s arms. “I’m fine.” She walked around the bed to take Kei’s other hand. “I didn’t… When I heard the news I was scared, but it didn’t sink in, not really. Then, by the time we got here he was doing so well and I thought…. I thought it was all over, that it was all okay. And then…. And now….”

“Tell me about it.” Alex looked up and their eyes met. For the first time ever there was a spark of understanding and, despite everything it made Alex feel warm inside.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I know it must seem to you that I don’t care about Kei, but that isn’t the truth. That isn’t the truth at all. I care for him so much, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I think…. Sometimes I wonder if I might not love him a little too much.” She tried to smile and looked at Kei with such love in her face it made Alex feel almost as if he was intruding on something intensely private.

“I just want what’s best for him, we both do. We just want him to be happy.”

“But only as long as he’s doing it right. Doing it in a way that doesn’t damage your precious reputation.”

“Yes, we have our reputation to think about. We have high powered jobs and appearances matter. When Kei decided to be gay he just wasn’t—.”

“Decided to be gay? Decided to be? People don’t just ‘decide’ to be gay. It’s not what he wants to do it’s what he is. Why won’t you understand that? Sometimes you behave as if he’s doing it on purpose to piss you off. He isn’t being gay to hurt you. He’s gay because that’s what he is; what we are. And it’s not even that. It’s not about being gay or not being gay. It’s about love. He loves me and I love him and nothing else really matters.”

“If only it was as easy as that.”

“Why can’t it be as easy as that? We’re happy, Kei and me. We’re happy together and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. He completes my life and I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I do know one thing for damned sure… I’d never give him up just to protect a stupid reputation.”

“I… Like I said…it’s never as easy as that.”

“No,” he said, pursing his lips and lowering his eyes, “but it should be.”

Flipping his white blonde hair out of his eyes, Alex sank into the chair and rubbed his face with his hands. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“None of us can, darling. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare – that someone they love is hurt and there’s nothing they can do about it.”

Alex looked up at his mother with dazed eyes. “But…. I…it was all so clear. The future. We were going to get through the exams, then spend the summer doing something fun. We’ve been looking at brochures, saving, think about maybe backpacking in Europe, somewhere with good waves. Until now, my biggest worry was failing the exams. I mean… yesterday—was it yesterday—I thought I could leave him. I was so angry and for maybe an hour I truly believed I could end it, live without him. But only for an hour. By then I was insane. Part of me was angry with him and part was angry with me for being so helpless. It doesn’t matter what he does…or doesn’t do… I love him hopelessly. I realised that…yesterday. Then…. And…. I still do. I still love him hopelessly but…. I didn’t think it would really be hopeless.”

His control cracked and he started to cry. Rose knelt at his side. “Hey, baby. Hey. Come on now. It’s not hopeless. It’s not.” She forced his hands down and looked into his face. “Alex…. Alex, listen to me. Listen to me.”

Alex tried his best to escape her eyes. He was ashamed for falling apart but he couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t hold it in. It was unbearable. He was going to lose Kei and he just couldn’t handle it. He’d let him down so badly and now….

“Alex.”

Reluctantly, he looked into his mother’s eyes, afraid she’d see what a miserable failure he was, what a coward.

“We’re all human, Alex. We make mistakes, we screw up. We all do things we regret but we regret most the things we don’t do. The most that anyone can do in any given situation is their best and as long as you do that you have nothing to regret. At the time you thought you were doing the right thing, and you didn’t know the full facts. As soon as you knew the facts you came straight here and you’ve been with Kei ever since.

“You heard what Kei said. He loves you. You’re the one he wanted. You’re the one he asked for. You’re the one he needed. He knows you love him. He knows you’re here for him. There is nothing more you or anyone else could have done.”

“Maybe so but…. When I think of how alone he must have felt, how lost and abandoned. I can’t bear it.”

“Then don’t. Don’t think about it, Alex. That’s the past. We’ve all moved on from there. Kei knows he isn’t alone and wasn’t alone. He knows he’s loved and that’s what he’s taken with him to wherever he is now. He knows you’re here and he wants to come back to you. That’s all that matters. Nothing else. Nothing that happened in the past is important now. It’s the future that’s important now.”

“I… Yes, I suppose.”

“No, not suppose. That’s the way it is. Look at me.” Alex tried to look away but his mother wouldn’t let him. “Look at me.” Reluctantly, he met her gaze. She smiled at him. “You’re here for him and he knows it. Tell me what else is important.”

“N…nothing.”

“Say it like you mean it.”

“Nothing, but it’s academic isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what I know or what he knows. He…. It’s hopeless.”

“Nonsense. It’s not over until it’s over. Kei’s a strong boy. He came through the operation and he’ll come through this, whatever it is.”

“Do you think?”

“I know. Now, come on boy you’re a mess. Go get something to eat, let the others know what’s going on. Bonnie and I will sit with Kei until you get back. No arguments, Alex. Either you take a break or you’ll be going home.”

“No way. I….”

“You’re here to take care of Kei and I’m here to take care of you. Don’t make me have to fight you. Be sensible, Alex. Take a break. Go for a walk, get something to eat, then come back and you can stay for the rest of the night.”

“Alright,” he grumbled reluctantly, but he was smiling when he got up and hugged his mother close for a long moment. “I’m going to get some food,” he said quietly, as he bent over Kei. “I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. My Mum will be here with you, yours too. I’ll be right back.” He kissed Kei gently and left straight away because if he hadn’t he wouldn’t have been able to.