Recovery - 11. Chapter 11

Alex didn’t sleep much better that night. Although Kei didn’t wake, Alex was waiting for it, worrying that Kei would be scared if he did and Alex wasn’t there. The fact that Kei said he was frightened, haunted him. What was it like to lie there and not be able to move or communicate? Was Kei awake inside? Was he trapped, scared, frustrated? Did he know where he was, what was happening to him?

Wriggling around, trying to find a comfortable place in the chair he tortured himself with what if’s, his dozes filled with images of being frozen, locked in, held down. He woke gasping every time, with a pounding heart and desperate need to touch Kei, to let him know he was here.

Eventually the nurse got annoyed with him.

“Alex, you have to sleep. You’ll make yourself ill and I’ll have to tell Kei his boyfriend can’t be with him because he’s in another bed. If you can’t get comfortable here go to the visitors room.”

“I can’t. I can’t be that far away.” He sat on the seat and rested his head on the bed. “I can’t help it. He said he’s scared and I can’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t think about it before but now I can’t help wondering what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking. Is he aware of what’s going on around him or is he just lost somewhere, frightened and not understanding what’s going on. No wonder he’s scared. He can’t move really, or communicate. How can we know what he’s thinking?”

“No one can know what he’s thinking and working yourself up with all these maybes is not doing either you or him any good. He’s getting better, slowly but surely and, yes, it’s going to be scary, but you’re here and that’s clearly reassuring him, so stop worrying.”

“I can’t help it. I let him down badly. I should have known he was sick, that he was acting out of character but instead of talking it through and trying to help him I shouted him out for something he couldn’t help. I even left him. That’s why he’s so desperate to have me close, because just before this happened I left him. I feel…. I feel like a complete bastard and I have a long way to go to make it up to him.” Alex held Kei’s hand tight and willed him to hear, to know, to understand. He had to know that Alex was here forever, that he was sorry, that he understood how hard Kei had been trying not to let him down, not to let anyone down.

“I think if Kei loves you as much as I think he does you won’t have to make up to him for anything. He’ll understand what you did, just as you understand what he did. That’s what love’s about. It isn’t always easy.”

“Tell me about it.” Alex sighed but had to smile. He looked down into Kei’s sleeping face and, for the first time in what seemed like an age, he saw peace there. Maybe it was Alex who was at peace at last. “I’m really tired. I think I can sleep now.”

“Are you going to the waiting room?”

Alex shook his head. “No, the chair will be fine. I can’t be separated from him, not now.”

“That’s fine, Hun. I’ll do my best to make sure you’re not disturbed.”

With a smile of thanks, Alex settled himself in the chair and tucked the blankets around him. His mind was quieter and he managed to fall asleep in a short time.

The next time he woke in was morning and the daily life of the hospital was going on around him. For a long while he stayed where he was, cocooned in warmth and relative comfort. It wasn’t until his bladder threatened to explode that he stretched and sat up.

“Hey there sleepy.” An amused voice hailed his rise.

He smiled at the nurse who had changed while he slept. He liked this nurse. Well, he liked all the nurses to be truthful, but this one was special. They’d just clicked from the moment they met. He’d helped her give Kei a bed bath and the intimacy had bonded them. Not only that but she’d been rude to Kei’s parents, and that always earned points in his book.

“Are you alright Hun?”

“Yeah, a bit stiff. How’s Kei?”

“Sleeping like a baby. Hasn’t stirred a hair since I’ve been here.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“Neither.”

“Thanks,” he said sarcastically and grinned at her. “I need the bathroom. Do you think you can manage to keep an eye on him while I’m gone.”

“Trust me, Hun, if he tries to make a break for it I’ll chain him to the bed.”

“Now that’s an image to take to the bathroom with me.” He winked and felt on top of the world as he walked down the corridor.

He came down with a crash when he came out of the toilet and ran into Frank and Bonnie. They both looked at him as if he had two heads and was Satan incarnate. At least that’s how it seemed to him.

“I thought you were chained to the chair,” Frank said snidely. “We’ve been back and forth for hours and you were snoring in the corner.”

“I was up all night,” Alex said mildly, “taking care of my boyfriend.” He couldn’t help emphasising the last two words slightly even though he knew he was being childish.

Frank scowled. “Do you have to say that?”

“What?” Alex asked adopting an innocent air.

“You know what. You know our feelings on the subject and it would be nice if you had the decency to be discreet about it.”

“It’s a bit late to be discreet around here. Everyone already knows Kei and I are together. In fact a nurse was just offering to chain him to the bed for me. It was a fabulous image to take to the bathroom.” He winked and stalked off. He wondered if Frank and Bonny were going to keel over and die. From the noises they were making he suspected their hearts were about to give out.

Nevertheless, he was subdued when he sat down again.

“What’s up, Hun? Where’s your smile gone?”

“I left it outside the bathroom with Kei’s parents.”

“Ah. Were they being complete dicks again?”

Alex almost choked. “Are you supposed to say things like that about the family of patients… in front of them.”

“Are you telling me that Kei doesn’t know his parents are dicks?”

“No, he knows. I was just wondering, that’s all.”

“Wonder no more. I’m the first to acknowledge my mouth does tend to get me into trouble, but I’m a straight talking son of a bitch so what can I say?”

Alex snorted, his mood lifting again. “I’d love to hear you say that to them.”

She frowned. “If they carry on the way they are you’ll get your wish. “You’re lucky Kei signed the papers before the operation or you’d be in real trouble right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’ve tried everything they could to have you thrown out. Unfortunately, Kei made absolutely sure the paperwork was in order. Legally, you’re entitled to be with him more than they are. He’s an adult, so his parents have no power over him at all. But that hasn’t stopped them trying.”

“I’d like to think we’d have reached some kind of arrangement, that they’d put their son’s interests first, but I know that just isn’t the way it would ever go. They hate me. I’m the physical representation of their shame. With me around they can’t fool themselves, or anyone else, that Kei isn’t gay. To them I’m the bad guy who perverted their poor innocent child.”

“Is that true?”

Alex snorted. “Hardly. I was the innocent child. I had no idea what I wanted. I went off to university with a girlfriend. Within a month she’d moved on and I met Kei. He’s on one of my English courses and he blew me away from the moment I met him. He’s clever, funny, witty, bright. Everyone knows him and everyone loves him. I had no idea I was in love with him until he seduced me at a party.”

“Seduced you?”

“He knew I’m gay way before I did. One night we went to a party and I got very drunk. Somehow we ended up on top of a hill watching the stars. We were in a clearing in a wood and it seemed as if there was no one else in the world except us. It was a classic seduction scene, like something out of a movie.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Really?”

“I could do with some romance in my life.”

“Well, it was certainly romantic.” He glanced down at Kei and smiled, turning inward. He stroked Kei’s hair and gazed into his face. “We were lying on the grass watching the stars and Kei pointed out this one star. He said… “See that star over there? It’s beautiful isn’t it. Brighter than all the rest. I used to wonder what it would be like to fly up into the sky and touch the stars, walk on them maybe.” I asked him why he’d stopped wanting to do that and he turned on his side, with his head propped up on his hand and looked down on me with the strangest look on his face. I had no idea what was going on. I thought I’d upset him or something. I think I might have asked him and he laughed at me.”

He stroked Kei’s face, a dreamy smile on his lips. “Do you remember, Babe? You put your hand on my belly and said you couldn’t imagine travelling to the stars anymore because, if you did, you’d have to leave me behind. That was it. I got lost in your eyes and forgot to breathe. Your lips seemed to take forever to find their way to mine and that kiss….oh God that kiss!”

“It sounds pretty intense.”

Alex looked up, slightly dazed. He smiled. “Yes, it was.” He dropped his gaze Kei again. “That kiss was amazing and it was only the first of many.” He touched Kei’s lips lightly with his finger. They parted and Kei sighed. Alex snatched his hand away as Kei stirred and his eyes opened.

“Alex?” He whispered even before his eyes had opened properly.

“I’m here, beautiful. I was just telling Jen about our first date. Well… it wasn’t actually a date. I mean, the first time we met , remember? When we went to that party and looked at the stars.”

“Stars?”

Alex’s eyes shot up to Jen’s. It was the first word Kei had spoken apart from Alex, and scared. “Yes, stars… up in the sky…..shiny beautiful stars…” He paused and smiled, stroking Kei’s face again. “Not as shiny and beautiful as your eyes, though.” Kei smiled, letting his eyes close and turning his face towards Alex’s hand. “Do you like that? When I stroke your face? Do you feel it, when you’re asleep?”

Kei opened his eyes and met Alex’s. His lips twitched into a sweet smile. “Always,” he said. Alex’s eyes widened and flicked up to Jen, who nodded him on.

“I… Jesus, Kei, I’ve been scared. I was afraid you’d slip away from me and I…. I couldn’t bear it. I’m so glad you’re back.”

“Try…ing. Hard. So…” His eyes wandered around. “Tired.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s going to take some time. You need to be patient.”

Kei nodded and focussed on Alex again. “Feel…clearer.”

“Yeah? That’s good. Is there anything you need?”

Kei smiled. “You,” he said, then the smiled faded a little, something different flickering in his eyes. “Kiss?”

“Kiss? You want me to kiss you?”

“Mhm.”

A slow smiled crept over Alex’s face and he leaned down to kiss Kei gently. He’d done this so many times since Kei fell asleep but this time was different, so different because this time Kei was awake. This time Kei kissed him back.

“Wow, babe. I missed that so much. I promise I’ll kiss you every day for the rest of your life.”

Kei smiled. Then the smile disappeared. “You… You…not.” He paused to think, his brow furrowing. “Leave me?”

“Kei, I…. I was an idiot, a crazy idiot to ever think I could live without you. I was selfish and stupid. I should have realised you weren’t well. I let you down, Kei. I’m so sorry. I…”

“No. No.” Kei shook his head and winced. “You…. No. I…. I love…. I…. No.”

“Hey. Look, we both made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is that we’re together now and I’m never going to leave you again. You’re stuck with me, babe. Forever.”

“Fo…forever?”

“Yep, forever.”

Kei smiled brightly. His hand trembled and, with obvious effort, he raised it to close around Alex’s. Alex felt week. After all this time of holding Kei’s hand he couldn’t begin to describe how it felt to have Kei hold his. With tears in his eyes, he turned his face to kiss Kei’s fingers. “You’re beautiful, Babe. So strong and brave. I bless the day I met you. Please don’t ever leave me again.”

Kei shook his head, then sighed. “Tired,” he said and Alex nodded.

“You’re done really well, Babe. You’ve made me so happy. Go to sleep now. We can talk later, okay. Just don’t be afraid I’m going to leave you, that I’m not going to be here. I’m here for the duration.” Kei smiled. “But you’ve got to let me go to the bathroom, okay? You’ve got to promise not to freak out when I’m taking a pee.”

Kei’s smile broadened and gave Alex a coy look that made his heart turn over. “Okay,” he said.

“Go to sleep then. Maria’s here so maybe you could talk to her later, huh?”

“Maria,” he said, then his smile faded and he sighed. “I forgot.”

“Forgot? Forgot what?”

“Her…birthday.”

“Oh. That. Don’t worry about that. When she hears you talk to her all her birthdays will come at once. Trust me. She’s been here this whole time and she loves you as much as I do. It’s totally forgotten now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. No one, but no one is pissed with you for any reason.”

Kei’s smile returned and he gave a contented sigh as he settled down and allowed himself to drift back to sleep. Alex remained in shock, staring at him.

“Feel better now?”

Alex jumped. “What?”

“Feel better?”

“Oh yes, yes I feel better. I feel… wonderful. I didn’t think he’d be able to talk that much so soon.”

“Hun this is nothing. All it takes is rest to build up his strength. By the end of the day you’ll be having a conversation.”

“Really? You think so?”

“A short conversation maybe but yeah, I think so. He’s taken the hardest steps. It takes a lot of energy to push through that barrier and he’s been on low function for a long time. It will take quite a while to get back to normal. Alex…”

“What.” He felt a little uncomfortable by the tone of her voice.

“There’s a chance he might never be completely back to normal.”

“What do you mean?”

“Something went wrong with him, Hun. He was very sick there for a while and there was a reason for that. Just because we don’t know what it was doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. He’s going to have problems. It will be a struggle at first, to get his strength back and it could be weeks, months even before he’s properly back on his feet. In the meantime who knows what issues might surface. You have to be prepared for a long journey and it’s not going to be an easy one.”

“What do you mean? What kind of problems?”

“It depends what part of his brain was affected by whatever happened to him. He might have problems with balance, speech, weakness. Lots of little things that could make a profound difference, like changes in his sense of smell or taste. You might notice changes in his personality. He’s bound to get frustrated with his limitations. He’ll get angry, hit out.”

“I know. I’m ready for that. I know at some point he’s going to hit out at me because I’m the one he’s closest to. I’m prepared. It’ll be okay.”

“No one is ever truly prepared for something like that. Just be open and expect the unexpected okay?” He nodded. “Don’t expect things to get back to the way they were overnight.”

“I’m not. Honestly. But Kei’s coming back to me and that’s the only thing that’s really important.”

“Keep thinking that, darling. Keep holding on. That’s what’ll get you both through this. But don’t forget to ask for help, to lean on others. No matter what you might think you can’t do this on your own and you’ve got a good network of family and friends around you who are only too eager to help.”

“I know.”

“Just promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t let the dicks get their claws in… either to him or to you. They’ll make things difficult if they can. Don’t let them get between you because I can see the possibilities arising even now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that if they can get Kei away from you they will and he’s going to be too weak to fight them for quite a while. They’re talking about a rehab centre. I’m not going to lie and tell you that’s a bad thing, but if he does go into rehab make sure you get wholly involved in the arrangements so the centre know you’re the important one to Kei and not them. The last thing you want it to be excluded for not being ‘family’.”

“They wouldn’t do that, surely. Not now. Not after all this.”

“Do you think? Even after what I told you about them trying to get you excluded here.”

“No. Unfortunately that’s not what I think.”

“I’m just giving you a little warning, Hun. In circumstances like this it’s easy to get so absorbed and involved in what’s going on with Kei you lose sight of what’s going on around you. Do you know where they are now? What they’re doing? What they’re talking about? Do you even know what your parents are doing? You’ve made a cocoon for yourself in here and that was fine when you needed it, but I think you might want to start venturing out into the world again, just to make sure you know what’s going on out there.”

Suddenly alarmed, Alex looked over his shoulder, half expecting to see someone coming for Kei. “No. I won’t let them do that. I won’t let them take him away from me, not now.”

“Alex?” Kei murmured, stirring. He’d picked up on Alex’s agitation and Alex forced it down as he soothed Kei back into a deep sleep.

“I have to go outside a minute,” he said when he was sure Kei had settled. “I have to talk to my mother.”

“Good. I’ll take care of Kei, don’t worry, If he wakes I’ll call you.”

“Thanks.”

Back in the waiting room things seemed to have settled into a routine. There were other people there now, strangers, and it had changed the dynamic. There was more going on, comings and goings making things less static, less oppressive even.

Alex noted this in passing as he made his way to his mother. “Mum, we need to talk.”

“What is it?” Rose asked, looking alarmed. “is Kei alright?”

“Kei’s fine. Well….not fine but better. We had a conversation, not very long but he spoke and was following what I said.”

“That’s wonderful, darling,” Rose said, beaming.

“Yes. I need to speak to you.” He eyed Frank and Bonnie who were talking to Maria and one of the young people from the other family.

Rose followed his eyes with a frown. “Alright. Shall we go down to the canteen, or over to the MacD’s to get some brunch?”

“No, not there. The canteen, I guess. I don’t want to go too far but I really do need to talk to you in private.”

They had hardly left the ward when Rose started to pressure him about what was going on. She was never one to sit on things when something was wrong.

“Let’s just wait until we get to the canteen.”

“Why? There’s no one following us. What’s going on. I don’t like seeing you like this. It worries me.”

“Oh Okay.” Alex told her what the nurse had said and her frown deepened.

“I thought it might have been something like that. I’ve been keeping my eye on them and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not happy about the way they’ve been treating you. They don’t talk to me anymore, for that reason I suppose. But I have caught snatches of conversation and I know they’ve been thinking about trying to get Kei into some facility near where they live.”

Alex’s stomach lurched. “But he’ll have to agree won’t he? I mean they had a chance before, but now he’s awake he has to agree to go.”

“How would he disagree, Alex?”

“But he’s getting better all the time. Soon he’ll be able to let his views known clearly enough.”

“Yes, and we’ll have to make sure no decision is made by anyone about anything until he is. I’ll talk to the doctors and see what has to be done to get Kei transferred, who has to agree and who has a say in it. I’ll try to make sure that anyone who might be involved in the process is fully aware of the….situation.”

“The thing I’m really worried about, Mum, is that they’re lawyers. They can pull strings. They understand these things better than I do.”

“Being a lawyer doesn’t give you a magic wand to do what you want and to hell with everyone else. There’s a person in the middle of this fight and I’m going to make damn sure no one forgets that.”

“Fight? Do you think it’s going to be a fight?”

“Possibly, but don’t you worry, Hun. You stay focussed on Kei. Help him to get strong and well and leave us to worry about the rest. I promise you I won’t let anyone do anything with Kei unless you know about it and we make damn sure it’s what he wants.”

“Thank you Mum. I knew there was a reason I love you so much.”

“just that one reason?” she asked pretending to be shocked.

“Well, at the moment. No doubt by this afternoon I’ll have found another one.”

Rose playfully cuffed him in the ear then treated him to what was a rather surprisingly nice lunch in the hospital cafeteria.