Recovery - 1. Chapter 1

“Kei…Kei. Wake up.”

Kei cracked open his eyes and groaned. The light from the window stabbed into his head and hurt so much he could scream. Hadn’t he closed the bloody curtains?

“Go away,” he moaned.

“Well, I could,” the shadowy figure between himself and the window said in the voice of his room-mate, “but I don’t think you’d thank me if I did.”

“What do you mean?” Kei dragged himself upright against the headboard and the shadowy figure resolved itself. It was, indeed, Paul his room-mate.

“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Alex this morning?”

“Yeah, but I’ve got plenty of time.” He blinked and rubbed his eyes, trying to stop the light hurting. “Close the bloody curtains, I’ve got a headache.”

“Nothing to do with the booze you were drinking last night, of course.”

“I didn’t drink that much,” Kei said, groaning. “It’s these bloody migraines. They’re getting worse and worse.

“Riiight.” Paul grinned. “Be that as it may, you’re going to be late if you don’t drag your sorry arse out of bed right now.”

“I’ve got plenty of time. I set my alarm. It hasn’t gone off yet.” He picked up his phone from the bedside table and glanced at it. Then stared at it. Then shook it. Then stared at it again. “It’s not eleven o’clock,” he said as if by saying it he would make it so.

“I think it is.”

“But my alarm…” He looked at Paul as if he had answers. Paul shrugged. Numbly, Kei checked the alarm and shot out of bed. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” he swore, throwing clothes out of the wardrobe and rejecting them all. “I set the fucking alarm to PM. I can’t believe I did that. Shit, shit….” Not caring that Paul was still in the room, he tore off his shorts and hopped around the room, trying to pull on a pair of skinny black jeans with little chains on the pockets. Alex loved those jeans, or rather he loved Kei in them.

“Fuck it,” Kei said abandoning any other attempt to change his clothes. He dragged on a pair of black sneakers and ran a comb through his hair, then bolted for the door.

“Kei,” Paul shouted after him in an amused tone. “You forgot your wallet… and your keys.” Still swearing, Kei raced back, grabbed the wallet and keys and raced off again.

Pounding along the pavement, Kei continued to curse under his breath. He was going to be late. He was going to be very late and Alex was going to be furious. He didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him lately. He tried so hard but everything kept going wrong.

The last time he’d been late for a date, Alex had given him an ultimatum. If he was late again it was over. To be fair he’d been two hours late then and Alex had every right to be mad. This time he was only…shit, half an hour late. What if Alex wasn’t there? What if he’d given up and gone home? What if…? What if he’d been serious in his threats? The thought was unbearable.

Alex was the first person he’d ever loved, the only one he could ever love. He was perfect. From the crystal blue of his eyes to his floppy blonde hair, toned body and tanned skin, he was simply perfect. Kei had no idea what Alex saw in him. He was nothing, never had been. Spending all his time reading or writing, he’d been labelled a nerd at school and the label stuck. Okay, he was at university now, with halls full of fellow nerds but he still felt inferior to the bronzed gods like Alex.

Even though they shared some of the same courses, Alex was majoring in journalism while Kei was doing literature and creative writing. Alex was going to end up in a war zone somewhere earning an Oscar or whatever journalists got, while he was going to churn out fiction until someone noticed him and he made it big. Yeah right, like that was going to happen.

Alex, of course, had faith in him. He totally believed that one day Kei’s name would be up there in lights, in the credits of some major Hollywood film made from one of his novels. He’d laughed so much about that, but Alex having so much faith in him was worth more than anything he could make from writing, even a blockbuster.

And he’d let him down. He’d let him down so badly, and he’d done it over and over lately. He’d always been a bit of a flake. Alex knew that. Everyone knew that. If he got an idea into his head that he had to run with he could be sitting in front of the computer for hours spewing words. He’d be tormented until he’d done so and time would cease to have a meaning once he started. So many times he’d been late. So many times, he’d failed to turn up at all. And now Alex had had enough and Kei couldn’t blame him.

As he approached the café where they’d arranged to meet, he almost fainted when he saw through the window that Alex was sitting in his usual seat. He slowed down and tried to catch his breath, to calm his racing heart, before he walked through the door and headed towards Alex with a nervous smile on his face.

“Oh God, Alex, I’m sorry. I set my alarm but I set it to PM not AM and it didn’t go off. I was asleep and I… I…” His words dried up in the burning heat of Alex’s stare. “I’m sorry.” He ducked his head and peered up at Alex through his long fringe.

“Don’t do that,” Alex said coldly. And Kei sat up straight, meeting Alex’s glare. His hands shook as they started tearing a paper napkin into tiny pieces.

“I…I’m sorry, Alex. I’m really sorry. I did try. I swear I….”

“You always try, Kei. You’re always telling me how hard you try but how hard is it really to be on time now and again? How hard is it to not leave me sitting alone in a café, or a restaurant, or the cinema? You say you care for me but it doesn’t feel like it. If you can’t even be bothered to haul your arse out of bed to come meet me at the right time, then--”

“It’s not like that, Alex, and you know it. I do care for you; you know I do. I… I… I love you, Alex.”

He gazed into Alex’s eyes trying to find some sign he was forgiven, some element of that beautiful smile, the warmth that flooded his cool blue eyes whenever they were locked with Kei’s. Searching desperately, he found nothing but a hardness he’d never seen before and it scared him.

“Please, Alex. Please, I… I haven’t been myself. I know I haven’t been fair to you. I… I should have…. I could have…. I try. I swear I try,” Kay said in desperation, tearing the napkin to shreds. “I’ve just been all over the place. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s not just you, it’s everyone. You know how much I hate letting people down. You know I’d never do it deliberately. I’m not even writing much, not getting my assignments in on time. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I can do about it. But I swear I try, and I’ll try harder. I promise I’ll try harder. I’ll--”

“I’ve heard it all before, Kei,” Alex said coldly. The look in his eyes frightened Kei.

“But I… I….”

Alex put his hands flat on the table and leaned forward. Automatically, Kei drew back. A chunk of blue black hair fell across his eye and he pushed it back in an unconscious gesture that had always made Alex smile and call him emo. Alex wasn’t smiling today.

“No more buts, Kei, I’m sick of them. I don’t want to hear any more excuses. The fact is that if you cared about me, no matter what the reason, you’d have made damn sure to be here on time, or somewhere close to it, especially when I couldn’t have made it clearer this was absolutely your last chance.”

“But I did…I did…try…to make sure. I set my alarm. I gave myself plenty of time to get ready, to make a real effort for you. I had it all set out, all planned. I don’t know why I made a mistake with the alarm. I… I tried. I really, really tried.”

“Not hard enough, Kei. That’s all I’ve had from you recently is excuses. This is just another one of them. You’re always telling me how hard you try, how hard you’re going to try but nothing changes. You never answer your phone, you’re never home and you’re never on time. I spoke to Jess and she told me you’re skipping classes. Where do you go?”

“Nowhere,” Kei said miserably. He recognised a dead dog when he was flogging it. “I… I’m just tired and I sleep in a lot.”

“Tired. That’s your excuse for skipping classes, cutting off your friends and letting down your boyfriend-- that you’re tired? We’re all fucking tired, Kei. It’s two weeks to the start of exams and everyone’s stressed to the limits. That’s not an excuse.”

“But I…I…. I really am tired.” Even to him, his voice sounded petulant and he sighed slumping back in the seat. He toyed with the tattered remains of the napkin. “I don’t know what else I can say, Alex. I love you and I’m really sorry I keep letting you down. I don’t do it on purpose. I really do try to be better, but it doesn’t seem to happen. I’m sorry. What else can I say?”

“Nothing, Kei. There’s nothing else to say. I’ve given you chance after chance and you keep letting me down. It’s not just the being late. You don’t return calls, forget to do your part of assignments, cobble together any old crap for revision sessions. It’s not like you and I don’t know what’s going on with you but you’d better get your head out of your arse pretty damn quick or you’ll be failing this year.”

“I…I know. I’m sorry, Alex. I will try. You can help me. I’ll do whatever you say.”

Alex held up his hand and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Kei, I’ve helped you all I can and I’ve said more than enough. I just don’t have anything more to say to you.”

He got up and it wasn’t until he was halfway to the door Kei even realised he was leaving. “Wait.” Alex paused. “What about…? What about tonight? The party? Us?”

“Go to the party if you want. I won’t be there. There is no ‘us’ Kei, not anymore.”

“No. No, Alex wait. Please wait.”

He fell over his feet getting up and by the time he’d stumbled to the door, Alex had disappeared. Kei stood in the doorway and stared out into the street. He felt numb. That couldn’t have happened. Alex couldn’t have broken up with him. By the time he got home there’d be a text. Alex would say it was a joke, a test, something to shock him, to get him to… to….”

With a horrible sinking feeling, Kei realised that it was none of those things. Alex had given him chance after chance and he’d blown it. He felt like slumping to the floor right there and then and howling like a kid. For a moment the world spun and he thought he was going to faint. No, he wasn’t going to make a fool of himself in front of all these people.

A man, entering the café elbowed him out of the way and it shocked him into moving. His feet took him along the street and he kept walking, even though he had no idea where he was going. With shaking fingers he took out his phone and called Paul.

“Hey dude, what’s up? Were you late again?”

“He broke up with me,” he said, choking on the words. It sounded so much worse spoken out loud.

“Well, I can’t say I blame him. You’ve been a crap boyfriend recently.”

“I haven’t, I….” He sighed. It was true, he had been. “Thanks for your support,” he said with a sullen tone in his voice.

“You know me, mate, I say it as it is. You deserve it. Suck it up.”

“Thanks. Thanks a lot.” He disconnected the call feeling even more shaken and hurt. Was there no one who wasn’t on a downer with him. His headache was back, pounding in his temple and all he wanted to do was lie down. But that was the problem wasn’t it? These days all he did was lie down and stare at the ceiling. Maybe he was depressed. Maybe he should see a shrink.

He tried calling Jess, his best friend next to… to Alex, but she didn’t answer. Shortly after he got a text from her. “Alex is here. Don’t call.” Just great.

He had to talk to someone or he’d go mad. His parents were out of the question, they hated him, had since the day he told them he was gay. Oh, they hadn’t beaten him or thrown him out of the house or anything like that, but they’d made it quite clear they didn’t really want anything to do with him anymore. They gave him money for his birthday and at Christmas, even invited him home for family dinners now and again, but they were so awkward he only ever went when he had to, when Maria his sister begged him to.

Maria. He’d call Maria. She was only seventeen, almost three years younger, but she was wise beyond her years. She’d know what to do to ease the agonising pain that choked him and sent blinding spikes of agony into his head and his heart.

“Hey, sis. I… I need to talk to you.”

“Oh really. Well isn’t it my lucky day then? How nice of you to call.”

The hostile tone was so unlike Maria’s usual bubbly greeting, it completely threw him. Had he entered some weird alternate reality? “What… what’s wrong? Why are you being so…?”

“Being do what? Pissed with you? Do you blame me?”

“Blame you for what?”

“Fuck it, Kei, you didn’t ring for that did you? You didn’t ring for me at all.”

“I…. Well…I….” Kei stood stock still in the middle of the busy pavement. What was going on? What had he done now? He hadn’t even been aware of doing it, whatever it was. Why now? Why was everyone turning on him now? He put one hand against the wall to steady himself.

“Why did you ring? Why did you call me today, Kei?”

“I… I needed to talk to you. Alex… Alex broke up with me and….”

“Good for him.”

“What?”

“It’s about bloody time. You treat him like shit and now you’re doing it to the rest of us, too.”

Kei swayed and dug his fingers into the rough brick beneath them, trying to gain some equilibrium. His whole world was turning upside down and he had no idea how to deal with it.

“What have I done?”

“It’s more what you haven’t done.”

“I…. I don’t understand.” One of the pedestrians who thronged the pavement, jostled him as they passed and he almost dropped the phone. He gripped it in numb fingers.

“Oh fuck you, Kei. You still don’t remember do you? You still have no idea why I’m mad with you. It’s all about you. It’s always about you. Because Alex left you the world stops and nothing else matters. Well, I thought I mattered more than that to you.”

“You do matter. You’re my sister. You’re the only one in the whole fucking family who matters.”

“Oh, really? I matter so much to you that you completely forget my birthday. No card, no present, not even a fucking phone call. I wouldn’t have minded the rest if you’d just called me to wish me a happy birthday. It’s what I do for you. Do you think Mam and Dad remember to get you a card? Do you think they even care?”

That hurt. That was below the belt. No, he didn’t think they cared. In fact he knew they didn’t. But there was no need to throw it in his face like that. But dammit…. He’d forgotten her birthday. He never forgot her birthday. He never forgot anyone’s birthday. His mind raced, trying to remember if there was anyone else he’d forgotten.

“I’m sorry, Maria. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Sorry’s not good enough. It wasn’t good enough for Alex and it isn’t good enough for me. Go away and come back when you’ve got your head from up your arse.” The phone went dead leaving Kei in total shock. Could this day get any worse?

There was one person left he could talk to. One person who always made him feel better no matter what. If his own mother hated him and was cold to him, Alex’s mother more than made up for it. She was the mother he’d never had and always wanted. Dare he call her? The way everyone else had been treating him he was afraid that if she rejected him there really would be no one left who actually cared.

After an agony of indecision he dialled the number. At last he heard a warm voice.

“Hey, Mrs Chambers.”

“Hello Kei, how lovely to hear from you, and haven’t I told you to call me Rose?”

“I know, but it doesn’t feel right.”

“Alright sweetie, you can call me whatever you like. What can I do for you? Is that boy of mine treating you right?”

“He… He broke up with me,” Kei choked and the tears he’d been holding back began to run down his face.

“He broke up with you? Why? He’s crazy about you, why would he break up with you? Maybe you misunderstood.”

“No. He made it very clear. He gave me a chance and I blew it.”

“A chance? A chance for what?”

“To get my head together. He… he… I’ve been pretty unreliable lately. I try but everything seems to be going wrong and I keep messing up.” He sniffed. “I’ve been missing his calls, messing up assignments, being late for dates.”

“Have you talked to him about this?” Some of the warmth had gone out of her voice and Kei started to shake.

“I… I’ve tried. He’s given me so many chances but I keep blowing them and today was the last. I was half an hour late and he….”

“Well it isn’t really acceptable, is it? To be that late?”

“No… No, I… I know and I… I’m not trying to make excuses. I know I’ve been bad and I tried, I really did. I set my alarm but I set it for the wrong time. I thought I’d just have a nap, make sure I was… I was fresh and… and that I could… could stay awake. I only wanted to be half an hour but… but I just… I’m so sorry.” Kei slumped against the wall and started to cry, holding the phone against his ear as if it was a lifeline.

“Calm down, Kei.” Rose’s voice was hard. “Take a breath and calm down. You’re not doing anyone any good getting into a state about it. Take a breath and get yourself under control.”

That was it. That was the end. He knew that note. Rose was as pissed with him as everyone else. She was the last, the last person he thought would support him, would help him. There was no one else to turn to. No one else in his life who could even begin to understand. There was no one. He was alone.

Thrusting the phone back in his pocket he pushed off from the wall. His head was really pounding now. The crying hadn’t done it much good. He could barely see. Blinking his eyes didn’t help. It just seemed to distort things. He had the strangest sensation, as if the world was warping around him. Before he could say or do anything, there was a rushing sound in his ears and the world winked out of existence.