Prophylaxis - 8. Chapter 8

see end of chapter for content/trigger warnings

I tugged on my fancy undies and flopped back on the bed. Justin. I had fucked up with Justin. After I'd had sex with him that first time, I should have let him go. I should have been proud to pop his cherry and made it clear it was just a one-night stand. Instead we cuddled for a while, went back to the party, and exchanged phone numbers. At the end of the night he kissed me good-bye, practically oozing excitement and amorous intentions.

I decided to keep things casual. We would fuck and that was it. I was an idiot. It wasn't long until Justin got under my skin and it was hard to keep him at arms' length. At first things were fine. We fucked, we played video-games, he never stayed the night. He eventually wanted to try topping, I nervously let him. It went pretty well, all things considered. I didn't freak out. I didn't enjoy it much, but he did so I was able to fake it. It got easier to let him top me, and I even started to like it a little. It wasn't long until I liked it a lot. Which surprised the hell out of me. My little experiment to see if I could have sex with men was a success. I could never tell Justin how much his help had meant to me.

Really. I could never tell him, would never tell him. It would mean letting him past the wall that was keeping me safe. I couldn't do that. Unfortunately, Justin started poking at that wall. He wanted more than sex and video-games, more than I would give him. Then he started asking questions. I evaded and lied, I was such an asshole. After a while it got to be too much.

One evening, after a frisky round of dip the wick, he was curled up to my side running his fingers over my forearm. He was quiet in the post-coital buzz but I felt something swirling under the surface.

Finally, he spoke. “Why can't I stay here at night?”

I held back a sigh. “We talked about this.” I'd lied about this. “The landlord doesn't allow unplanned guests.” Yeah, he did. I didn't.

“Then let's make a plan. Make me a planned guest.”

“He won't go for it.” I shook my head. “He's homophobic.” I had no idea if this was true. I got the sense, though, that as long as I paid my rent on time and didn't make too much noise I could fuck farm animals in my spare time and he wouldn't give a shit.

“We don't have to tell him I'm anything more than a friend.” Justin said with frustration.

“He wouldn't believe it. You've already been around too much.”

Justin was quiet again, but I knew he wasn't done.

“It doesn't bother me if you have nightmares.” He said softly.

“What are you talking about?” I asked sharply.

He rolled a little to look me in the eyes. “You doze off sometimes after sex. I know you have nightmares.”

“It's fine.” I mumbled. “I have some weird dreams sometimes is all. That's not why you can't stay over.”

“Then... is it because of the scars?”

I stiffened. “What?”

“I know you didn't want me to see, but I can feel them, and sometimes the light is enough that I can see. It's okay. I don't mind them.”

Apparently I wasn't as clever and sneaky as I thought.

I sat up quickly. “You don't mind them?”

He shook his head and reached for me.

I pushed his hands away and slid out of bed to stand. “Well, I fucking mind them, and I don't want to talk about it.”

Justin sat up, eyebrows drawn together. “God, I'm just... I'm worried about you. Something isn't right and I want to help.”

And there it was. Another person who wanted to fix me, to poke at me and make me talk about things I didn't want to think about. Goddammit, I should have known better than to let this go on so long.

“You can't help.” I yanked on my pants angrily. “I don't want your help, or your pity, or anything else.”

“It's not pity.” He said desperately. “I care about you. I'm really starting to... I don't know... I just feel so much for you.” His eyes were begging.

No fucking way.

“Yeah, well stop. Stop feeling it. There's nothing for me to give you” I grabbed his crumpled clothes from the floor and tossed them to him. “I think you should head out. I have a paper to work on. I'll call you if I have time to get together sometime.”

I walked out of the bedroom, leaving a wide-eyed Justin behind. I plopped down at my desk and pulled out a notebook to make me look busy. After a few minutes I felt Justin behind me, but I didn't turn around.

“I guess,” Justin swallowed hard. “I guess I'll go then... if you're sure.”

I nodded without looking at him.

“O-okay.” I heard his footsteps retreating to my front door. “If you ever need to talk, or if you need anything, please... please just call, okay?”

I said nothing, my grip crumpling my notes on acetylcholine receptors. The door clicked shut as he left and I let out a sigh. My head dropped to the desk with a thud. Fuck. My heart clenched in my chest. Justin, god, Justin. He was just too beautiful and good. I would ruin him. The ugliness of my past would overwhelm everything else. It always would. I could never make Justin happy, and god he deserved happiness. He deserved everything I couldn't give him. I'd been so selfish to try to keep him, even a little. What the fuck was I thinking? I sat there and wallowed in my angsty bullshit for a while then made a decision.

I'd stop this stupid crap and wouldn't see him anymore. Better late than never. He would be okay, more than okay. It would be better this way.

I pulled myself out of the desk-chair. I had some cleaning to do, to get the traces of Justin out of my apartment. Then I'd wash my clothes and sheets. When that was done, I'd set up my candle and my putty knife and burn off the lingering swirls of his affection and concern clinging to me.

*****************

I sat up, fingering the set of old v-shaped burn scars on my chest. I owed Justin a lot. I was right to let him go. He helped me so I could have sex again, even bottoming. I liked sex now, bunches. It was a shame I couldn't get closer to my lovers. Just look at what happened with Justin, with Guy. They push, they find things out, everything ends in a shit-tastic way. I was getting so tired of it, though. I wanted someone who wouldn't push. Someone who could look at my scars and not demand involved answers and deep explanations, but still care about me and want to love me. Someone who could take care of me without forcing me into a mold of who they thought I should be, how they thought I should behave.

I wasn't likely to find it though, I thought as I got dressed in my clubbing clothes. I'd have to take what I could get. Hopefully tonight what I could get was laid. I stuffed some condoms and little lube packs in one pocket, my keys in the other, and headed out to chase some tail.

I ended up taking a cab down to Lakeview. There were several potential hotspots where I could find what I was looking for. A place I'd been before called the Minibar looked like a good place to start. It was only nine and it seemed busy already. I found a spot not too far from the entrance and leaned against the brick. Every once in a while I'd look at my watch then peer around like I was looking for someone. I kept my antennae perked for anyone interested. It was like fishing. I had a few nibbles. They were either not interested enough in me or I wasn't interested enough in them. I looked at my watch again. I'd been hanging out for half an hour. I'd stay ten more minutes then I'd move on. As I glanced up from my watch I got another nibble. Someone was interested. I casually glanced around and caught the eye of a blond with wide shoulders and sharp eyes. I held his gaze and smiled. Time to reel him in.

He left the club's line and sauntered my way to lean against the wall beside me.

“Hey.” He said.

“Hey.” I responded with a nod, brilliant conversation not necessary at this point.

“Aren't you coming inside? We could have a drink, a dance.”

I sighed and shook my head. “I'm waiting for someone.” I checked my watch again. “I'm wondering if they're going to show up.”

He looked me up and down. “I can't imagine anyone keeping you waiting.”

I ducked my head and smiled.

He leaned closer. “Come on. Spend some time with me. Forget that guy.”

Forget Guy. Sounded like a plan.

I peeked up at him through my lashes. “Maybe... it seems like he's not going to show up. I don't feel like going in where it's so loud though. Maybe somewhere... quieter?”

He grinned wide and grabbed my wrist and tugged me along behind him. I felt the cool of his fingers through the fabric of my sleeve.

I laughed uneasily. Something didn't feel right. “Slow down. Where are we going?”

“Somewhere quieter.” He said as he paused in front of an alley that ran next to a building.

He glanced around, I dug my heels in as he pulled me along with him into the shadows.

“I was thinking more like your place.” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

I grunted as he pushed me to the wall behind a dumpster. Ew. This one was clearly a romantic.

“Or we could go to my hotel.” A little less calm now.

His hands slid up my sides as he kissed me hard.

I turned my head and gasped. Skin to skin, the sense of him hit me. It didn't feel nice. Maybe the situation was still salvageable It wasn't like I planned to marry him, he wouldn't be the first jerk I'd fucked. “Hell, I'd take the backseat of your car at this point.”

“We don't need all that, baby.” He gave his hips a little grind against me, the denim of his fly digging painfully into my stomach. “It's quiet back here and loud enough out there that no one will hear us.”

I pushed on his shoulders. Okay, maybe not salvageable Time to bail. “I think there's been a misunderstanding. I'm no tom-cat, I'm not into alley sex.”

He pulled back and glared at me. “Look, what do you normally get, fifty bucks? I'll give you a hundred. Now stop being fucking coy and drop your pants. I won't even make you blow me first.”

A shock of cold went through me as I pushed him back. “I'm not a hooker, for Christ's sakes!”

He snorted and flipped me around to face the bricks. “Sure you aren't. I saw you waiting, watching everybody, looking for a likely fuck. I was just the first one to approach. Now stop holding out for more money. I'm not giving you more than a hundred, whore.”

I kicked back but missed. “Don't you fucking call me that!”

I kicked again and caught his shin. I shoved back as hard as I could and twisted out of his grip. I scrambled for the alley entrance with the man hot behind me. He caught me just a few steps from the sidewalk.

“Oh, you're gonna pay for that one, whore.” He hissed in my ear as I tried to yank myself away. Jesus, why did the assholes love that word so much? I struggled ineffectually as he dragged me backwards.

“Mick?”

We both froze at the voice. A man was standing on the sidewalk, back lit by a streetlight obscuring out his features. He took a step toward me and I could see his face.

“Takashi?”

“Is everything-” He started.

I jammed an elbow into the neck of the man holding me and he let go. I stumbled over to the tall dancer and threw my arms around him. “You came! I've been waiting forever. I thought you weren't going to show up!”

Takashi blinked at me a moment then patted my head. “I'm sorry. I ran into some difficulties at work. I tried to call but my cell is dead.” His amber eyes fell to the man still standing in the alley. “Is there a problem here, Mick?” His voice was cold.

Takashi's hand slid to the back of my neck and I wallowed in the peace his touch gave. The slimy intentions and excitement of the bastard who'd dragged me into the alley fell away. I was able to keep from falling into Takashi's mind, barely.

“I dunno, that's up to this gropey bastard.” I glared at the man. “Is there a fucking problem?”

He looked from one of us to the other and back again. “No.” He grumbled. “No problem.”

He sidled away with a glower, continuing past The Minibar's line and going on down the street.

I slumped against Takashi. “Fuck.” I muttered. That was close. I'd never been confused for a hooker before. I looked down at myself. Maybe I shouldn't have worn this shirt.

“So,” Takashi's smooth voice caught my attention, “I'm sorry for being so very late.” His lips curled with amusement.

“Sorry about all that.” I felt my cheeks heat. “I was having a little bit of trouble with that asshat.”

“It was my pleasure.” He snugged me closer to him. “You can jump into my arms anytime.” His fingers stroked the back of my neck, making me shiver. “You certainly won't hear me complain.”

He was warm and wonderful at my side. I wished he really had been there to meet me.

“Well, thanks.” I peeked up at him. “What are you up to this evening?”

Takashi's eyebrows rose. “Don't you remember what you told the,” he paused with a smirk, “asshat? I'm here to meet you. You aren't going to stand me up, are you?” His teeth grazed his lower lip as I stared. “So cruel, Mick.”

I blushed hotter. What the hell was wrong with me? Wave a hot stripper in my direction and I go tharn, apparently.

“Unless of course you already have a boyfriend you're seeing exclusively.” His fingers traced forward over my collarbone, and I shivered again. “I wouldn't want to be a homewrecker.”

I thought of Guy.

“No. I'm not seeing anyone anymore.”

“Anymore?” Takashi raised an eyebrow. “Recent breakup?”

I shrugged. Guy had never really been my boyfriend. The whole deal wasn't something I wanted to explain, anyway.

“Did the breakup have something to do with this?” He asked as his fingers gently pushed my hair away from my face and his thumb softly stroked over the dark bruise running across my temple and cheek.

I pulled away from his hand and shook my head, my hair falling again to cover the ugly mark. It didn't hurt much, I'd forgotten about it. “I ran into a door.”

“A door?” Takashi oozed skepticism.

“Or it ran into me... Several times, with gusto.” I rolled my eyes at his look. “It was an ill-tempered door.”

“Tch.” He scoffed with obvious disapproval, but didn't probe further. Which I appreciated.

“I'll just have to do my best to keep you away from nasty doors this evening.” He eyed me. “Perhaps cupboards, too. Just to be safe.”

He looked into my eyes and it felt too intimate, like he saw too much of me with his irises like honey swirled over amber. I knew mine were still just a flat plain navy.

“Have you eaten?” I blurted.

“Yes.” He said, taking my arm and tucking it into his own. “Have you?” He asked, leading me away from the bustling club.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Was there something else you would like to do?”

His smile widened. “Definitely.” He pulled a key-fob out of his pocket. “Shall we take my car?”

I nodded, not realizing he hadn't said where he was taking me or what we were going to do when we got there. Maybe I just didn't care. I climbed into his sleek black car, sad that I had to stop touching him to do so.

*content/trigger warnings: insinuation of self-harm, attempted rape, dude being a total asshole