All About Jake - 7. Love, at a distance

The rest of Sunday passed in a haze of new-normality, with Jake hanging out with me for most of the day. There were, of course, quite a few texts and messages from people at college, containing about a 70/30 split of ‘thanks for a great party’ type messages and ‘it was cool meeting Jake, congratulations guys’ types. Although the latter were almost exclusively from girls. Everything was kind of slow, but relaxed and comfortable. For the first time I think for as long as I can remember, I was conscious of feeling calm. Josh periodically ventured out of his bedroom and looked terrible all day. But in the occasional moments between sleeping and trying not to throw up again, he was just being himself, which was nice to see.

I left with Jake when he finally had to go home, and we hung out over at his place for a little while, although tiredness was catching up with me rapidly. As amazing as the sex had been earlier, neither of us were up for a repeat run, which isn’t to say that kissing him goodbye was in any way unpleasant. Walking home, the immense relief I had been feeling ever since the party wasn't an out and out disaster was finally settling down to an ordinary level, and I liked it, a lot. Mum and Dad both noticed, but it's good to realise that other people see you are properly happy. My newly acquired post-virgin status probably only added to the feeling, but that's not for everyone to know.

Whilst all of this was good, and it genuinely was, the biggest surprise was yet to come. College. It's all very well in my happy boyfriend, caring parents, middle class bubble, but college was real. Very real. I hadn't fully appreciated how nervous that was going to make me as I walked in on Monday morning. But like I said, it was surprising. I don't want to make it sound as if the whole college just carried on as if nothing at all had happened. Kay Walker being gay was most definitely news. And sure, some people were not so happy about it. But the majority of people just seemed to get on with it. Or at least, and probably more realistically, I didn't care that much and so didn't really notice the looks, whispers and nudges. Sarah told me that five other kids had come out as gay after hearing about me, which I’m almost certain is an extreme exaggeration, but even if it was just one that would still be kind of amazing. Whatever the truth of it, the seeming lack of any kind of serious fallout was refreshingly enjoyable, and in my vainer moments, somewhat anti-climatic. There was even a moment in the changing room when someone said something stupid, I didn't even hear it properly, but the other guys turned on him, which quickly shut the whole thing down. Things were, more or less, normal. At least outwardly so. I didn't feel the same as I used to, but then I was actually feeling a thousand times better than I ever had previously, so that was another good kind of new.

For the most part, the whole week passed by like this and I couldn’t have been happier. Even Jake’s Dad seemed cheerier whenever I ran in to him either in the coffee shop or upstairs in their flat. Which was happening more and more because we seemed to be spending even more time together.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? But that was then. Now, there’s a whole new problem. Jake is still Jake, by which I mean, so totally fucking amazing that I still can’t quite believe that he’s my boyfriend. And we’re very happy. At least, I think we’re happy. I’m happy. OK, maybe none of those is true, I’m not sure any more. No, I am, I’m happy, and I think Jake is too, but there’s something casting a shadow over us that isn’t going away, in fact, it’s getting silently bigger every day. It’s like when you’re watching a film and the main love interest couple are married and settled down and totally happy, but it’s only half an hour in. You just know that something is on it’s way to fuck everything up. Not that I’ve got married to Jake, it’s been the most incredible few months, but we haven’t gone that far.

As the weeks had by passed the weather was getting warmer and less wet. It’s England, so the idea of ‘summer’ isn’t always what you might expect, but there were more and more days of it being properly warm, maybe even hot, which meant that Jake and I spend more and more time sat out on the roof outside his bedroom. It’s a pretty great spot to chill, and, well, ‘chill’. College work was seriously ramping up as we headed towards exams, and this was very much related to the sense of dread and doom that I found myself having to worker harder at ignoring every day. Not the actual exams, they would just take a bit of structured revision and I’d be fine. But what comes next. This particular Sunday afternoon was actually quite sunny, and as long as you stayed out of the breeze it was hot. We were both just lying around in T-shirts and shorts and despite it looking like we were just relaxing, my head was far too busy contemplating the future.

“How come you’re so quiet Kaiden, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing, I was just… thinking.”

“Hmmm, sounds serious.”

Jake was joking, I was less so. The next thing I knew, Jake is sitting right on top of me, straddling my body and looking down at me. At a different time I would have enjoyed it.

“So what are you thinking about?”

I knew what Jake was thinking about, even before I felt his hands slide up under my T-shirt. Damn, this was going to be harder than I had imagined. Not that I had ever successfully planned this conversation.

“No, Jake, I think maybe we should talk.”

He froze, and immediately looked like I’d driven over his puppy. Not that he has one, but you know what I mean.

“Do we have to?”

“I think so.”

“Can’t we just pretend like nothing’s going to happen?”

“So you’ve been thinking about it too?”

Jake rolled off me and slumped against my side. At least it wasn’t just me, that would have been worse. You see, revision and exams meant that we were heading towards the end of the academic year. But we were also in our final year, so after these exams, the next thing would be university. And university means not being with Jake. We were both doing well at college, but whilst I knew that I was heading to London to study neurobiology, Jake was a musical genius and was most likely going to be in Scotland, which is about 400 miles away at the other end of the country. Both of us will be studying at the very top of our subjects, but no-where near each other, and probably for at least four or five years. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, allowing the gravity of the situation to fully settle in.

“We still have a few weeks, right? We don’t need to decide anything right now do we?”

Jakes voice had a hint of a hesitant edge to it.

“Decide anything? What do you mean?”

“Well, you know, about us.”

“What do you mean?”

I sat up properly, needing to look at him as he continued to speak.

“I just thought… Kaiden we’re going to be miles away from each other and hardly ever see each other. I didn’t know if…”

“Didn’t know what? Fuck Jake, do you want to break up before we even go?”

“No!”

I hate it when he looks at me like that, because I can’t make it all better, for either of us. But now he’d raised it, at least we were talking about it. I could see he was about to ask me the same thing. And yes, of course I’d thought about it.

“Do you?”

“No, of course not. I know it’s going to be hard but we can at least try and make it work, right?”

“Yeah, I know. But it seems like everyone thinks it’s a bad idea, long distance relationship and going to uni always ends badly.”

“Jake, I want you to be forever.”

“Cool. Forever it is then.”

By the end of the afternoon we’d managed to convince ourselves of the inevitability of us staying together for ever. For just a few years we would be able to talk, and message just as much as usual. There’s would be the holidays, summer and Christmas for definite, probably more. And then the occasional weekend trips up or down the country. If anyone could make this work, it would be us. I believed it anyway, and I think Jake did too.

Naturally, we alternated between talking about this in great detail, and avoiding it completely, pretending it just wasn’t happening. Neither of which were successful in actually making me feel better, or stopping the inevitable progress towards the day that we would actually be separated. I think we compensated for this by spending more and more time together. By the end of the summer we were spending every night together at one or other of our houses. My parents had even met Jake’s Dad a couple of times. All of which, I think, just made it even harder when the day finally arrived.

I’d been helping Jake to pack when we were staying at his, and we’d talked a lot about the plan. Jake was leaving on the Friday, getting the train up to Scotland with his Dad. I desperately wanted to be going with him, but my own departure was the next morning, with Mum and dad driving me and my stuff down to London. I stayed at Jake’s on the Thursday night. I had an idea that maybe we could get the worst part of saying goodbye over with, but that didn’t work out. Predictably, we just ended up in bed together, although not just for the sex. There was plenty of talking too, and just, touching and holding each other.

In the morning, there was much less talking. The three of us, Jake, his Dad, and me, were pretty quiet as we ate. I could tell that Jake was nervous, and I was mostly just trying to process what was happening. He was actually going away. The hard reality that we really wouldn’t be seeing each other probably until Christmas was finally confronting me. We all did a pretty decent job of making small talk and denying the obvious, all the way until we were literally stood on the station platform, having just finished loading all of Jake’s gear into the carriage. His Dad went to find their seats, leaving the two of us for a final few moments. We just sort of stood there, looking at each other. I was finding every last bit of energy to stop myself from bursting in to tears, because I didn’t want Jake to see me so upset. That’s not the last image I want him to have of me. I think he was doing the same thing. An admirable effort, which ultimately failed for both of us when I pulled him to me and hugged him. We kissed briefly, intensely, but hugged, tightly, never wanting to let him go, but also knowing that I had to.

“Jake, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy for you, I know this is going to be great for you. But I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I know, I feel the same. But we can do this, you know we can.”

“Yeah, I know. It still feels shitty though.”

Someone blew a whistle, signalling the imminent end of this tragic scene.

“I’ll call you, we’ll talk tonight when everything is sorted, yeah?”

“You’d better!”

“I love you Kaiden, you know that, right?”

“Of course I do. I love you too. Now get on the fucking train, your Dad will be super pissed off if you miss it now.”

We kissed again, one final time, before the doors closed. And all I could do was watch as the train pulled away, taking what felt like my entire world with it. It wasn’t a perfect kiss, and I was annoyed at myself for that. But then, I suppose it never would have been perfect, because it was always going to end with Jake leaving. Only a few hours ago we’d be lying in bed, my arms wrapped around him, our bodies pressed together. And now, even though he’s only actually a few hundred meters away, he may as well be the other side of the world.

The immensity of the sadness was immediately overwhelming. Followed quickly by something like loneliness. But still, as soon as I got back home, reality overtook any such feelings, temporarily anyway. I did my best to pretend to my family that everything was fine, and we finished packing my things ready for my own departure the following morning. I didn’t hear from Jake during the day, and I didn’t message him either, figuring that he and his Dad probably had a lot to talk about themselves. It was going to be a huge change for his Dad as well as for Jake. He finally video called me late into the evening. He hadn’t unpacked very much, but wanted to show me around his new home, which actually looked pretty great. He had his own en-suite bedroom, and then a decent sized lounge and kitchen which he shared with five other guys, a couple of which I got introduced to during the tour. We talked quite a bit but I could tell he was tired so finally he agreed to go to bed. I both loved and hated hearing from him. He’s my Jake, so it’s always a good thing, but it also reminded me of how far away he now was.

My own pre-leaving breakfast was just as subdued as Jake’s had been, although my journey was at least going to be quicker. Josh was coming down too, so it was kind of nice having a whole family day. It’s hard to know if it was sad or exciting, moving away. I guess it was both, and I was feeling quite relieved why Mum and Dad and Josh finally went home, leaving me to properly start to make sense of my new world. I called Jake and showed him my new home, which was similar to his but only with three other guys. Jake had obviously already made some fast friends with his flatmates, and he looked happier than he had been the previous night. We didn’t talk for hours because he was heading out to some sort of organised socialising, and I was considering doing the same. The three guys I was sharing with all seemed pretty good people, well, two did, one was slightly weird, and the two more normal ones were going to this thing and were encouraging me to go with them. I was imagining lots of awkward weirdness, but actually it was good. Of course most people there were in a similar situation of moving away from home for the first time, so we had a lot in common.

The first week of university is actually kind of dull, academically speaking, because there are just endless registrations, forms, orientations, and introductions to sit through, read, fill in and listen to. And also, there are a lot of organised social events, and even more casually arranged parties. That stuff was less dull, and I met a lot of pretty cool people. I was talking with Jake every day, usually several times a day, and it was sort of OK overall. I missed him a lot already, but I knew that it would take a while to get used to life without him being so close. After the first week it felt as though work was properly starting. Thankfully it wasn’t too challenging, and the new stuff was also really interesting, but there was a lot of it. This was even more true for Jake as his rehearsing and performing schedule seemed to be growing by the hour. We eventually settled in to a routine of sorts, with regular agreed times that we would be able to catch up with each other, as well as the ongoing messaging between us. Jake seemed to be a lot busier than me, both academically and socially, but I was having a totally great time too. It would have been perfect if Jake had been with me of course, but I had to settle for just less than perfect.

After the first month or so, I was properly missing him, and honestly, finding it hard going. The work was OK, the people were good, actually I’d made some really good friends, but always, underneath that stuff, every single day, I missed him. It wasn’t just the sex, although I definitely missed that too. We’d actually tried video calling each other to help with that particular problem, but it wasn’t a very satisfying experience. Of course, it’s never not hot to watch Jake do that, oh god it’s so hot, but it also seemed to reinforce how far away he was from me. He agreed that the video calling was a bit awkward, but overall he seemed to be in a good place. So I didn’t go in to too much detail about how I was feeling. Jake called me late this particular Friday, which wasn’t unusual as he was often playing somewhere or rehearsing in the evening. We were having a bit of a party round at our flat, nothing crazy, just me and a couple of the other guys who lived there, and a few friends, and their friends, and way too much beer, and slightly too loud music. I felt my phone vibrating and expecting it to be Jake, I headed towards the kitchen which was at least slightly quieter. As much as it didn’t work for sex, video calling was definitely saving my sanity.

“Hey babe! Oh my god, what’s going on?”

“Just a few people over. And what have you done to your hair?”

“I told you I was going to change it, do you like?”

“No! You can’t go outside looking like that, you look way too good!”

It was shorter, and spikier, and dyed, and he looked fucking hot.

“Ha ha ha - thanks babe, knew you would. So who you partying with?”

“Just Greg and Kasper, you know, and then a few friends.”

“Is that other guy there, the weird one?”

The fourth student we shared with, Phil, was definitely weird. He didn’t seem to leave his room for days at a time, and then he wouldn’t come back for days. Even when he was around, he barely spoke to any of us. Very weird.

“No, of course not. Just a bunch of people we barely know.”

“Cool. So, guess what I realised today?”

“Erm… that it’s your turn to pay for dinner?”

“What? No way, I bought pizza last time, remember?”

Of course I remembered. It was the last time we went out for diner together.

“OK, OK, so what?”

“We’re over half way through.”

“Through what?”

“I mean, until it’s the Christmas break, and we can both go home.”

“Awww, are you missing me?”

“Of course I am.”

“Me too.”

“OK, look, I’ll let you get back to party central, message me later yeah? And I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Yeah, of course. Later Jake.”

“Later babe.”

Fuck, were we really only half way through? This was much harder than I ever imagined it could be. But like any sensible student, I pushed that thought to one side and replaced it with excessive drinking.

Another few weeks dragged by, during which we had talked a lot about the Christmas break. We were both arriving home on the Friday before Christmas, and had the week after off too, before we had to come back to university. It was going to be great to see Mum and Dad again, and even Josh. I talked to them every week, and I think Mum was particularly happy about seeing me again soon. And of course, Jake will be home too. And I could again feel him, touch him, smell him. And undoubtedly lots of other things too, but actually I’d be happy just with that.

But first, there was one final mega-party season to survive, before the pre-Christmas parties started. Halloween. I’m really not used to Halloween being such a big thing, but here, it’s serious party business. Greg is probably my best new friend here at Uni, and we had decided to go out together as ‘dark’ Batman and Robin. Greg has continued to be a serious athlete, whereas I have pretty much downgraded sports to fun and social activities, so whilst I’m in no way out of shape, Greg is definitely what I’d call ripped. We found matching costumes online, and whilst we knew they were kind of overly sexualised, we hadn’t fully appreciated the spandex like nature of them. When we first tried them on, it was a little weird, but also a little exciting, we looked pretty damned hot. Greg is 100% straight, just so you’re not getting any wrong ideas here. He looks amazing, but we’re seriously just really good friends, I have no other agenda. But still, we looked fucking good. I sent Jake a picture of the two of us, which turns out not have been a great move. He was unusually full of questions about Greg so I think he was jealous. But he also made sure I was keeping the costume, because he liked it a lot.

There was at least three solid days of partying starting on Friday, and Greg and I spent most of that time together. Individually, we looked pretty good, but obviously, the look worked best as a pair. The downside of this is that it very quickly got annoying with people wanting to take photos with us, but still, I’ll know for the future. I spent more time than usual talking with Jake too, I really think he was a bit freaked out by the whole thing, even though I don’t know why. It’s not like I had even ever thought about someone else. I mean, why would I? Just because my perfect guy happens to be a few hundred miles away for another few weeks? No, there’s most definitely only Jake in my world like that. He was clearly stressing about it over the weekend, I know him well enough to know that, but by the following week he was back to being his usual chilled out OK self. I think it’s maybe just a reflection of our different social lives when we’re apart like this. Jake spends such a huge amount of time rehearsing, practicing, and performing, and I spend about the same time going out. I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do is it?

The final few weeks building up to the Christmas break were getting progressively more difficult to endure. I was actually feeling grateful for exams, because at least they gave me some focus. Things were actually a little stressful, and there had been a couple of days where I hadn’t even managed to speak with Jake. We messaged all the time, but not hearing his voice wasn’t helping things. We had both been planning our journey’s home for some time, so everything was set, only time was really standing in the way of seeing each other again. Of course, it’s not just Jake. It’s going to be great to see everyone else too. But honestly, mostly Jake. Being Christmas, I was taking back presents for everyone too. It was going to be the day before Christmas Eve when I finally go home, so I didn’t think I’d have time to do shopping then. Jake was getting back the same day, just a lot later, and it was honestly difficult to contain myself properly as the days slowly crawled by.

We hadn’t talked about it, but I wasn’t surprised to be greeted from my train by Mum and Josh, who both demanded very significant hugs. I knew I’d missed them a lot, and it seems they felt the same. On the way home Jost started telling me about all of the stuff I’d missed in his life, which made me feel a bit bad. I definitely need to make some more time when I’m back at university to catch up with him. It was only mid afternoon and I hadn’t had any lunch, so after dropping everything off at home I agreed to go in to town with him for some food. This also meant that I could hear all about his girlfriend, who he actually sounded pretty serious about, as well as all other kinds of minutiae that wasn’t really interesting but he wanted to tell me anyway. Yeah, I’d properly underestimated how much he was missing me. Dad came home later, and was just as happy to see me, and we all seemed to have so much to catch up on as we sat eating dinner, which was surprising, as it’s not like we haven’t spoken for three months.

As nice as all that was though, it was really just killing time for me, because Jake wasn’t due in until later in the evening. 10:07pm to be precise. So as much as it really was great seeing my family again, there was a significant part of me that was basically just sat there going ’ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, come on, come on, come on’. We had planned that he would go home and see his Dad first, and then I was going to go over later. We hadn’t specified, but presumably I was going to be staying the night too. But that was now far too slow, so at the last minute I decided to get changed and go and meet him at the station. Actually I was a few monkeys late getting there, but not as late as his train was running, so it was OK. There were a few other people waiting, although I couldn’t see his Dad anywhere. I chose to stand about half way along the platform, not sure where he would be on the train and not wanting to message him to ask as I thought it would be a nice surprise. As the train pulled in I could feel myself struggling to stop from bouncing up and down like a five year old. More people than I expected got off, and I was worried I might miss him, but then, there he was. Just along the platform, dragging several bags with him, much like I must have looked a few hours earlier I suppose. He didn’t see me, but then, he wasn’t looking for me. He was finally here, back with me, my Jake.

I walked slowly and casually towards him, feigning nonchalance as I stood in front of him. No, did I fuck. I ran towards him as fast as I could and almost knocked the two of us completely over onto the floor, hugging and kissing him.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here? Hello.”

His smile was just as amazing as I remembered.

“Sorry, I couldn’t wait.”

We kissed again, passionately, and for not long enough. After a few minutes I picked up a couple of his bags and we headed out of the station, towards his place, talking incessantly on the way. From the very first second, it felt as though things were back to how they should be, which was amazing. Whilst it was not quite two weeks overall, things really were essentially perfect. We were back to our old routine of moving between one house of the other, not spending more than an hour or so without each other as we caught up with friends and family alike. The only exception was Christmas Day, since no matter how hard I tried, Jake wanted to spend some time with his Dad, just the two of them. I guess they deserve that, but it wasn’t my first preference. And it’s not like we missed a whole day or anything, I was there waking up with him in the morning, and he came over to mine that evening. And it was Christmas Day, so even without him, I was having a good time. I even got to speak with Sarah. She had gone off to India for a gap year, and she actually used the phrase ‘to find myself’. But she was organised enough to be contactable on Christmas Day, so it was nice to hear her voice.

Unfortunately, this slice of perfection didn’t last long, and all too soon we were re-running the sad moment of saying goodbye to each other, again. It was probably going to be another couple of months before we would be able to touch each other again. That’s a desperately long time when it feels as though you can’t even breath without the guy you love being near you. But we’d done it before, and we were going to have to keep doing it, for quite some time to come.

As always, please 'like', comment, or otherwise discuss in nay ways you see fit.
 
FYI - there probably won't be an update next week as I'm going to Vegas, although, if you're around, feel free to come and buy me a beer