All About Jake - 2. Chapter 2

I walked in to the coffee shop hoping that I didn't look as nervous as I was feeling. Nervous, as in, a degree of terror and dread that I have thankfully never experienced before. Compared to this, exams - easy, playing for the college team - easy. Agreeing to go on a date with a guy - borderline impossible. I checked my reflection in the door as I opened it, more as a way of delaying by another few seconds than for vanity purposes. There were a couple of regulars sat inside, but no-one really paid me any attention. It's not like a sit-com, it’s a place where everyone doesn’t know your name. In fact we mostly don't talk to each other at all. Well, no-one other than Jake, of course. He looked over and smiled as the door closed behind me.

'Be cool Kay, everything is going to be OK, it's just one word. Yes. Nothing terrible is going to happen, you just need to say yes. That's all. No big deal. It's just a date. Probably. He hadn’t even said that, so there’s nothing to really worry about. Although you seem to think it's a big deal judging my the amount of conversation you're having with yourself in your head right now.'

"Hey Kaiden."

'See, everything is OK. Nothing out of the ordinary. It's just like every other time you've come in here. Though you should probably say something back, you know, like a normal person. Just a hi or hey, something like that. Casual, relaxed. Don't want to over-do it. Seriously though Kay, you should say something. OK then, so just blurt it out and say yes, it'll be OK. But fucking say something.'

I was aware of not moving, as well as not talking. Just standing. My mouth was dry, and breathing was harder than it should be. Much harder. Jake was looking at me, but his warm friendly smile was subtly changing from looking pleased to see me to being slightly confused by me, maybe even concerned.

'OK, so now you just look weird, but it's totally saveable.'

"Kaiden?"

'Oh god, seriously Kay, you see that imaginary egg timer over there that’s rapidly running out of sand, that’s how saveable this situation is becoming. Say something! Just stop thinking and speak. Great, now you've stopped breathing. That's not going to help you know. Not with those walls closing in on you all the time you stand here. No, it doesn't matter that you don't know how to breath, it just fucking happens, so do it. OK, so... what? You're just going to die? Like, actually die? Oh, so maybe you are. Kay Walker, the guy who couldn't say yes, forgot how to breathe and actually died.'

I turned around, and ran. But not very far, and not quickly, or elegantly, because the stupid door didn't want to open in the way I thought it should, and I was still convinced I might actually die. I wish that was a dramatic exaggeration. Once outside, the cooler air hit me, and as I half collapsed half tried to casually lean against a wall, my body finally gasped for breath and I slowly crumpled down towards the pavement.

"Kaiden? Are you OK?"

I looked up to find Jake standing there. Weirdly incongruous in his coffee shop apron, but no longer in the shop. He was obviously concerned, but that didn't stop me feeling completely embarrassed. This was absolutely not how I wanted him, or actually anyone, to see me.

"What? Yeah, sorry. I don't know what happened there."

"Are you feeling OK?"

"No. Yes, I think so."

"Do you want to come inside and sit down for a minute?"

"Yes." Ha ha, if only I could have said that a few seconds ago. Idiot.

I hadn't fully comprehended that I was now crouching on the pavement, so when Jake's hand found mine and he helped me to stand, it was a bit of a surprise. I'm genuinely trying to not sound like a terrible cliché, but it really did feel like there was a spark between us. Except that a spark is a wholly inadequate description because it was like a spark you'd get from a four hundred thousand volt power line. Except less fatal. Standing up, I was aware of how close we were. I briefly wondered if this was the closest I had been to him. We definitely hadn't touched before. His skin was soft and warm, but there was surprising strength and firmness underneath that. I glanced down at our hands, still holding on to each other, then back up to his face. Jake was still looking straight at me. I couldn't help it as my eyes flicked around his face, rapidly studying every feature. The way his hair was somehow slightly floppy but still spikey. How his warm brown eyes seemed to have been designed to match his hair colour, and his eyelashes were longer than I thought they would be and seemed to draw me in to his eyes. And how his lips, slightly apart, were just the right amount of full that made them look good enough to eat.

I knew, right then, that I could kiss him. My lips brushing over his, delicately, softly, exploring and caressing before tasting him. Gently biting his bottom lip. My tongue sliding over his lips and into his mouth as we moved even closer together. Yeah, I could definitely have done that. I didn’t. I took half a step backwards, creating a little more space between us, and let go of his hand. It was only half a second, but just for that moment, he was still holding on to me.

It was suddenly weird and awkward, following him back inside. He told me to go sit down and he'd bring me my coffee. I sat in my corner, watching him intently as he made a latte and brought it over to me. In yet another departure from our normal routine, he pulled out a chair and sat next to me. Our knees almost touching.

"Thanks" I said, whilst also thinking that I hadn't paid for this yet. And there wasn't a biscuit. Wow, I really can be an ungrateful prick.

"No problem. Are you feeling OK now?"

"Yeah, I'm OK."

I took a deliberate, deep breath, trying to calm my re-rising anxiety.

"Jake?"

This was it. I seemed to take far more effort than anything else I've done before. But I knew it was time. God, it feels so stupid now, but at the time I may as well have been psyching myself up to press the button the end the world. It felt like a seriously big deal.

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

There was silence between us again, and I realised that I maybe hadn't made total sense because despite it feeling that way to me, Jake doesn't actually live in my head.

"I mean, you asked me last week. And my answer is yes."

"Wow! And, cool."

His smile grew to something that must have been powered by joy, and was infectious, as I found myself smiling too. Not that sort of socially polite smiling, or even 'that's a really awesome thing' smile, but full on, stupid, almost uncontrollable and overwhelming happiness, mixed with a fair amount of relief.

"So, I want to ask when, but also, if this is how hard it was just to say yes, maybe that can wait a few more days."

"No."

"No?"

"No. Let's make it soon."

"Before you change your mind?"

"No, just, because I want to."

"Cool. So, how about Friday, after work?"

"Great."

"Come meet me here, I'm normally done by seven, then we can go somewhere, maybe eat?"

"Cool." I never say cool.

Jake had to go and serve another customer, but that was OK. I'd survived. More or less. And in three days, I was going on a date, not that we called it that explicitly, but it clearly was. At least I think it was. And with a guy. With Jake.

Sleep. How great it is to sleep when you haven't been able to for ages. Waking up Wednesday morning I was feeling refreshed, alive, and kind of like a whole new person. And apparently people noticed. Mum and Dad and Josh all commented on this at breakfast. But none of them pushed it, so vague statements about feeling good and being happy seemed to suffice.

Sarah, of course, was having none of it. I'd managed to be suitably evasive at the beginning of the day, and more or less avoided her along with most of the usual social sheep that seem to follow me around during morning break. But lunch time was much harder to manage. She finally cornered me just as I was about to walk in to queue for food.

"Kay Walker! Stop avoiding me and tell me what is up with you!"

I could tell that she wasn't really mad with me, despite her slightly raised voice and hands on hips pose. Drama. I made sure she saw me rolling my eyes at her.

"What? I don't know what you mean."

"You know that you are such a bad liar. You're on a different planet, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy, that's all."

"No, no, no. You don't get away with that. You do seem really happy though, which is weird enough, and good I suppose. But you're basically ignoring everyone else!"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? OK. So Nicola and Toby have broken up, again, only this time it was her idea and I don't think she'll change her mind because Kelly and Regan haven't got back together either, and Nicola is like totally in love with Regan. Vicky has shaved off nearly all of her hair because, I don't know, she's even weirder than usual. Shana-Lee and Courtney have had this *massive* argument because Courtney copied her hair, even though they don't actually look the same, like, at all. And Scott has a new car, which it turns out his Dad *did* buy him, but we all know it's because his Dad is still having an affair. And you, you have said *nothing* about any of this!"

"Really? I don't think I know any of this."

"Exactly, even though you have been like *right there* when all this is going on today."

"Today?"

"Yes!"

"OK. Sarah, the thing is... I really don't care."

It was almost as big a revelation for me as it was for Sarah.

"What!? These are our people."

"No, they are tiny people who need to get over themselves. You can have them all. Honestly, I don't care any more."

"Oh. My. God. What has happened to you?"

I didn't answer, and turned to go into the lunch hall.

"Kay!"

"Fine. If you must know. There's someone."

I deliberately let the door close after I walked through in a mildly dramatic manner, even though I knew for certain that Sarah would be following right behind me. A second later she stomped through the door looking comically incredulous.

"What do you mean, there's someone? That doesn't even make any sense."

"I mean, *someone*." She paused for a second.

"Ohhhhhhh!"

It was a good look, having just realised the significance of what I was telling her, and also that she couldn't possible ask me for details because she would never out me in front of half the college like that. Well probably not anyway.

"Who? I mean, when, where? How do I not know about this? You must tell me everything immediately."

"Someone. Somewhere. A while now, but only yesterday for sure. Because I didn't tell anyone. And no, I don't."

She looked like she might actually explode. She punched me in the arm in a way that at least looked playful, but she wasn't holding back too much.

"I'll tell you after the weekend, when I know how it went."

"How what went? This weekend?"

"Yes, this weekend."

"How it went? Oh my god Kay. This is so major."

"I'm actually trying to keep it kind of normal, so shut up and just be happy."

"So are you telling people?"

"What? No!"

"So it's a secret?"

"Well... no?"

"So you're not telling people, but it's not a secret?"

"Exactly. Sort of."

This was admittedly a tricky position to hold. It wasn't a secret, because there was no way I was going to pretend like there was something wrong with either who I am or what I was doing. But also, I didn't exactly want everyone to know either. At least not yet.

The rest of the day, and indeed the rest of the week was spent endlessly avoiding Sarah's increasingly frustrated questions. But underneath that, I knew she was super happy for me, and there wasn't really any doubt that she would have a far more detailed version of events some time soon. It's not like I had anyone else to talk to about it to.

At home on Thursday I casually dropped it in to conversation over dinner that I was going out Friday night. There was a furious but silent exchange of glances between Mum and Dad which I interpreted as;

‘Did you hear that, he's going out!’

‘I know. That's good, right?’

‘I think so.’

‘What sort of going out?’

‘I don't know. A date maybe?’

‘Don't say anything, we don't want to make a big deal out of this.’

‘I know, but isn't it great he's going out again?’

‘Yes, I know. Now lets pretend that this is all completely normal shall we?’

It was Josh who just leapt right in there with the big question.

"So like, just out, or like, on a date out?"

"Out." My inner glaring at him perhaps made a tiny bid for freedom and was briefly successful as it became an obvious glare.

"Right, a date then, cool."

The conversation moved on, and no-one made any further comment about it. By the time I got home on Friday afternoon, it was as if nothing at all extraordinary was happening. Except of course in my own head, where all kinds of barely controlled or understood emotions were swirling around to the point of me feeling physically sick. Dad was still at work, Josh was playing football, so it was just me and Mum at home. I decided that I really needed to have 'the conversation'. In for a penny... or some other such ridiculous idea. Whoever decided that 'getting it all out in the open' is a great idea was obviously an idiot.

It wasn't as if I hadn't been through this conversation a thousand times in my head before. For years if I'm being honest. But I hadn't ever quite imagined it would be like this either.

"So Mum, about tonight..."

"You're date?"

"Yeah. About that."

"Kay, you're going to be fine. Just don't worry about it. I know it's been a while since the whole Sarah thing, but you look great, so just be yourself, and try to have fun."

"It's just, about Sarah, I don't think you quite understand."

"Well that's in the past now Kay."

"Yes, but, the reason we split up..."

"I'm sure it's not important now Kay. You two are still friends aren't you?"

"Yes, no, it's not that."

"And I don't think she'll be jealous, she doesn't seem to be that sort of girl."

Actually, she is, totally that sort of girl, but this wasn't the time to get into that.

"Mum!"

"What?"

"I'm gay."

Silence is never good at moments like this. I didn't know what else to say. I don't think Mum did either, but she knew exactly what to do, and gave me a massive hug. I knew I was crying a little bit, although I don't know why because I wasn't feeling sad. Perhaps it was just the relief of finally having said it.

"How long have you known? No, forget that, it's a stupid question, sorry. Do you want to talk about this?"

"I don't know, but I wanted you to know. So yeah, maybe."

"OK, then I'll leave it up to you. And I hope you know that I love you, and that you can talk to me Kay, whenever you feel like it."

"Yeah Mum, I know."

"So Kay, tonight? This is a date with a boy, right?"

"Yes Mum, he's called Jake, I met him at the coffee shop."

"Oh, OK."

There was something in her tone that gave away the un-said, and as yet un-known rest of what she was thinking.

"What does that mean?"

She gave me another hug. I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

"I hope you have a great time Kay, that's all."

"Thanks. But don't think I don't know that's a great big lie. What else are you thinking?"

Silence, again.

"I've just told you the biggest thing ever in my life, and you can't even tell me what you're thinking about it?"

"OK. I was thinking that it's really sad you haven't been able to talk about this before, but I'm really pleased you can now. And then I was thinking that I've never seen you look like that before. When you said his name, you looked like a love-sick teenager. And that's really sweet Kay."

"Urgh."

"See, wasn't it better when you didn't know?"

My Mum is sometimes truly amazing.

"Kay?"

"Yeah?"

"It's none of my business, but, does anyone else know?"

"Oh. No, I mean, Sarah knows, not about Jake though. No-one else does."

"OK. What about your Dad, and Josh?"

"Yeah, I know. I'll tell them. Tomorrow, OK?"

"OK, it's up to you Kay."

"But you'll tell dad anyway, right? And Josh will find out as soon as anyone at college does, so..."

Her slightly bleak and apologetic smile said it all.

"It's OK Mum. I'm actually pretty happy with who I am, finally."

Which was mostly true. That didn't mean I was looking forward to whatever happened when everyone else found out who I really am, but I somehow knew I'd probably be OK. Wow, that's changed quite a lot over the last few months.

I left to go and get ready. Despite the massive relief of finally telling Mum, the emotional space it created was just as quickly filled with doubt and hesitation about meeting Jake. Doubt and hesitation are, of course, just place fillers for fear and anxiety, mostly. I realised that I hadn't even exchanged numbers with Jake, which meant both that I couldn't back out at the last minute, and yes, I did consider it, but also, I couldn't check with him on the dress code. I decided on smart casual, veering towards the smart end, but not so smart as to be over dressed if we were actually being really casual. And yes, I was totally overthinking this. Black jeans which I think I look good in, a grey patterned long sleeve shirt, untucked and cuffs unfastened, and the top and bottom couple of buttons left open. I could tuck in and do up cuffs and more buttons if I needed to be a bit smarter.

I got to the coffee shop early, 20 minutes early. Perhaps a bit too early. The place was the busiest I have ever seen it, which made more sense when I realised that it stayed open late. But Jake was nowhere to be seen. Instead of Jake, there was a guy I've never seen before behind the counter, forty something at a guess. There were a couple of people getting their orders, so it was easy to loiter for a few minutes, hoping that Jake would make an appearance. I got my phone out to message him and then remembered that I didn’t have his number. Damn. Feeling increasingly self conscious, I decided that I'd probably have to just wait around, but none of the tables were free, only a stool at the counter. I took it, and then realised that I was still fifteen minutes early so I'd probably better order something. As I was waiting, the girl who had just been served turned around and left with a couple of beers. I didn't know they sold beer, but it seemed like a good idea.

"What can I get you?"

The guy wasn't as friendly as Jake, but hardly rude either. Just, busy I suppose.

"A beer, please."

No-one ever asked me for ID, and neither did this guy, returning a moment later with my beer. I drank half the bottle in about a minute, and then thought I should probably slow down. But it was hard, I was feeling nervous. The girl I'd seen working here before was also around, and the place seemed to be getting busier.

Five to seven. Beer almost finished. I'd scanned the room so many times that I was absolutely certain Jake wasn't in it. There was some sort of table re-arranging happening in the back corner, but other than that, nothing much happening. Which in itself, isn't a bad thing. But it meant there was nothing to distract me. So my head started to do it's own thing. Was he going to stand me up? How long would I sit here and wait? I tried to focus on what was happening in the corner, there was obviously going to be some sort of live music, acoustic as far as I could tell, which didn't greatly excite me.

One minute to seven, beer is finished, Jake isn't here. Why isn't he here? He must know that I'd be here by now. The guy comes over and clears away the empty beer bottle, and I politely decline another.

Seven exactly. Jake isn't anywhere to be seen, and anxiety is starting to swell inside me, growing quickly, threatening to swallow me. The musician guy is strumming some chords on an acoustic guitar, you know in that way that they do, presumably tuning up or something, but it always seems to sound the same. He was kind of scruffy, his hair wasn't even styled, and he didn't seem too bothered about fashion either. Obvious some kind of folk singer. I couldn't think of anything less interesting than 'ye olde sea shanty' or 'songs about depressing things'.

Three minutes past seven, and Jake has still not arrived. Who does that? Who arranges a date and then doesn't turn up? I was debating, internally, how long I'd wait. I didn't find an answer before the music guy starts. Ready to launch into silent criticism, I was halted by what was actually a surprisingly amazing performance. He was singing House Of The Rising Sun, and it was hard to believe that one guy, particularly that guy, could produce anything sounding so big, and full of emotion, and frankly sort of beautiful. And it is, of course, a song about depressing things. It's not my usual sort of music choice, but he did an excellent job of distracting me for the next three minutes.

Since I was facing the musician, Jake appeared from behind me, standing next to me, close. His hand resting gently, casually, on my back.

"I'm so sorry, have you been waiting long?"

I turned to look at him, and momentarily forgot to breath, again. This boy might literally be the death of me. He looked amazing, kind of the same as always, but then, also some extra 'wow'. His shirt was much tighter fitting than usual, clinging to muscles I had never seen before. Not like big weight lifting muscles, but really well toned and defined. I swallowed hard.

"Hey Jake, no, barely half an hour."

I smiled, and I think he thought I was joking.

"Cool, lets go then."

I stood up as Jake continued talking, past me, to someone behind me.

"OK, I'm going out, see you later."

I turned to look and he was talking to the guy behind the counter. The older guy was looking at me. Staring is perhaps a better description, because it felt a lot more intense than just a look at who I was, and less friendly.

"Is this him?"

He was still looking at me, but talking to Jake.

"Yes Dad, this is him, Kaiden." It seemed that he had heard of me already, was that a good thing?

"Hi" I offered, feeling that I should say something, but being more than a little uncertain as to what was going on.

"Don't fuck it up Kaiden, you only get one chance."

It could have been a sound piece of advice, urging me to make the most of life, and to take the risks I've been too scared to take before. But it didn't. His serious tone and solemn attitude made it feel like more of a warning, or a threat.

"Dad!" Jake looked annoyed. "Come on, let's go" he said to me, as we walked away from his dad and out of the door.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"You're Dad doesn't seem to like me much."

"Don't take it personally, he doesn't like anyone very much. He's a little over-protective."

There was no way that this was an adequate explanation for what had just transpired in those few seconds. But I decided to leave it alone, for now at least, and changed the subject.

"So Jake, where are we going?"

"Oh right, yeah, I thought we'd start with some cocktails at the Mary Jane, and then clubbing later, it's Pink Pound tonight at the XS."

The Mary Jane is a pub that is actually called the Queen Mary, but everyone around here calls it the Mary Jane, I don't know why. What I do know is that it's a gay bar. And Pink Pound is a gay club night at one of the local clubs, every Friday. It was hard to imagine a night out, let alone a first date, that I wanted to be part of any less. I'm pretty sure I was doing that look I do, when I'm trying to find something positive, or at least neutral to say, but you know it's just negative anyway, where I bite my bottom lip and raise my eyebrows. Sarah takes the piss out of me for doing it all the time.

"Oh wow, jesus, relax Kaiden, I'm joking!"

Jake gave me a friendly sort of shoulder nudge and I smiled with obvious relief.

"I guess you're not out to anyone, and I don't usually like 'gay' places that much anyway. I thought we could get a drink at the bar at Phoenix, and see how it goes. Then if you want to get food later there's a great Italian place just over the road from there."

"Great, sorry, much better."

The Phoenix is an arts cinema with a couple of nice bars, good beer, fairly up-market, civilised and quiet-ish but with good music, and highly unlikely to run in to people from college there. It was actually a really good choice, because no-one there would even think twice seeing two young guys together. We might only stand out due to the lack of MacBooks we're using to write our first screenplay. Seriously, everyone there is about to make a breakthrough. Allegedly.

We ordered beers and Jake found us a table slightly off to one side. He seemed to know a few people there as he exchanged waves and casual acknowledgements but I was mostly trying to figure out how this worked. The 'old' rule of 'the guy pays' clearly doesn't apply any more. I bought them anyway.

I sat down opposite Jake. The tables were quite small so our legs were more or less touching underneath. I had the weirdest feeling of not knowing what to do, or say. My brain was just a big blank space. Which was stupid. I'm a pretty clever guy, I can be funny, charming, witty, I watch the news, I'm up to date with current affairs and politics, I have strong views about a whole bunch of things. All of that seemed completely useless. The harsh reality was that up until that moment, I'd mostly been surrounded, at least socially, by people who were hoping to make a good impression on me, wanting my attention, so frankly I never really had to worry about making any real effort. But this, him, Jake, he's different. He likes me, I guess, but he's not desperate for my acknowledgement or approval. And I like him. Oh god how I like him. I want to make a good impression, I want him to enjoy being with me, for us to have a properly good time. And when I say I want that, what I mean is, I'm desperate for that. Maybe that's the difference, I want it to be genuine too. And that means I have to be genuine, which is fine if you have any sense of who you are. It's harder when you're still getting used to your self.

"So you're not always nervous like this, what's gong on Kaiden?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just not used to this."

"About that... we didn't ever clarify, what is this?"

"How do you mean?"

"Are we going for a drink 'as friends', or not?"

"Right, yeah. Can't we do both?"

"Be friends, and not friends at the same time?"

"No, stupid, well sort of. Be friends and be on a date. "

"Cool." I swear Jake should licence that smile to a toothpaste advert or something.

"It's just, you know, weird."

"It's weird for me too, I'm on a date with Kay Walker."

"Oh god, is this about to get really creepy? Have you had a crush on me for the last five years or something?"

"No, not at all. It's probably more like seven, since I started following you home."

He was totally serious, but only for a second or two, before we were both laughing. Somehow that broke the ice that was not so much between us as around me. Conversation flowed easily, as did the beers, and I found our legs pressing against each other under the table several times. We swapped stories about our families, holidays, places we'd been, intermixed with music, films, art, politics, and just normal sort of stupid stuff. The only sticky point was college. I wanted to know what had happened, how come Jake wasn't at college any more, and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. It was only a moment, and we moved past it, but I pinned it as something to maybe come back to at a later time. That, and the whole weird thing from his Dad earlier.

Despite my nervousness time seemed to pass quickly and it was almost nine.

"So, I’m hungry, do you want to get something to eat?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, of course." As if I wouldn't follow you like a bloody puppy right now, what has happened to me? "Where were you thinking?"

"It's just over the road, Italian, that OK?"

"Sounds great."

I was feeling relaxed, calm, and happy. Which was pretty great. Our hands were on the table and I reached the small distance between us to hold his hand with mine. Our eyes met, as they had been doing many times, and it all just felt right. Maybe I'd had too many beers.

"Thank you Jake, for asking me."

"Thanks for saying yes." He was smiling, we both were.

The restaurant was just as enjoyable, maybe even more so because the food was amazing. You couldn't exactly call the place romantic, but intimate, definitely. I was surprised at how easy it was talking with him. There weren't any of the awkward pauses or difficult moments I was expecting. I even started to tell him about being depressed, and the journal writing, and so therefore the reason we met, indirectly. Definitely too many beers, but it was all OK. He was OK. No, that's understating things terribly. Jake is something phenomenal that I have never experienced before. But in a good way.

Dinner reached it's natural conclusion, and after a final beer, it was time to leave, for this to end, to go home. I think we were the last people to leave so it was pretty late. We were walking back towards the coffee shop, where as I now knew, Jake lived with his Dad. Not actually in the shop, obviously, but upstairs. I lived just a bit further out, but in the same direction, so it was totally on the way. We were walking kind of slowly, and holding hands. I don't know if he did that, or I did, but I didn't care because I liked it, a lot. As we approached the shop we stopped. It was a sad moment, as if neither of us wanted the night to stop. We just stood there for a moment, looking at each other. There was tension between us, an unspoken potential for something.

"So... do you want to come in for coffee?"

We both laughed, slightly drunkenly, hysterically, at such an awful cliché line.

"Yeah, you know anywhere good around here?"

Jake pulled me behind him as he opened a side door and we walked through to the coffee shop, now in darkness. A couple of switches later and the coffee machine was on and a single lamp threw a soft glow over us behind the counter.

I was leaning against the wall, and Jake was standing next to me. Close. There should have been music, but there wasn't. Mama Cass singing Dream A Little Dream Of Me. That's what was in my head anyway. I blame my parents. It was so obviously going to happen, and perhaps that is what made it possible to enjoy the exquisite pause of it not happening for those few moments. Jake closed the distance between us and we leaned towards each other. It was slow, deliberate, and soft. Our lips met and we kissed, it wasn't hurried, taking time to explore this new experience. For me at least. I don't know what I was expecting, I've kissed a few girls before and in many ways, it was just like that. Except, it was also totally different. This was... sensual. Just when I thought my night probably couldn't get any better I felt Jake’s hand on my cheek and we melted together even more. My hands on his back, I pulled us even tighter together as we explored and enjoyed this intimacy. I could feel that he was enjoying this as much as I was.

A few minutes later, Jake pulled away. He had a strange expression mixing apologetic with struggling to hold back.

"Fuck Kaiden, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush things."

"It’s fine, there's seriously nothing to apologise for."

"Cool. Coffee then?"

Jake made us coffee, which we drank as we chatted. And kissed. More kissing than chatting to be fair. I thought it had been about half an hour but clearly it had been much longer as I checked my watch and it was almost half past one in the morning.

"Jake, I should go, but thank you. I've had an amazing time."

"Me too Kaiden."

That was good to hear. I'd like to hear it again. I had to ask him though, to be sure.

"So... do you think maybe you'd be OK if we did this again some time?"

"Yeah, I think I could manage that."

And that was how we left things. No definite plan, other than, we will. I walked home, only a few minutes away, not quite long enough for me to finish ordering my thoughts and feelings about the day, or more specifically, the date, so I sat in the kitchen drinking a glass of water as I replayed the last few hours. I heard my Mum walk in, but I didn't look up straight away.

"Kay, it's late, is everything OK?"

"Yeah Mum" , I looked up, "have you been waiting up for me?"

"No, I had some work to finish."

"You're such a bad liar." Perhaps that's where I get it from.

"So you had a good time?"

"Yeah, he's amazing, I mean... yeah, actually I mean that, he's amazing. It was the best date ever."

"I'm pleased Kay, it's good to see you looking so happy."

I filled my glass with some fresh water and headed up to bed. I was expecting to be laying awake for hours, but actually I fell asleep quickly, and had one of the best nights sleep I remember.

I woke up Saturday morning much earlier than I expected, before nine, and felt like a whole new person, again. Only this time it made more sense. It was good. Like, really good. I was happy. Not just cheery, or positive, or bright, I could actually feel myself being happy. As if I was suddenly lighter than before, even though I hadn't previously realised that I'd been burdened by something. As I skipped downstairs for breakfast I could hear that everyone else was already there. OK, so, maybe I didn't skip, but I felt like I might at any moment. I walked in, poured myself a coffee and sat down with everyone else. Weekend breakfasts are my favourites; coffee, orange juice, and too many croissants with apricot jam, or honey, or both.

"Morning Kay" I sat opposite my Dad and could sense him trying to work out what was different about me.

"Morning."

"You seem very... happy?"

"Yes, I am."

I took a couple of croissants and started to spoon some jam onto my plate.

"It's because of his date Dad!"

I don't think I've ever known Josh be subtle, ever.

"Actually, yeah, it might be. In fact, I want to talk to you guys about that."

My Mum flashed me a look across the table, I think checking out that I was OK with this. And I was. Weirdly. I thought I'd be feeling nervous, but I wasn't. I actually wanted them all to know.

"We don't want to hear all the gory details of your date Kay!"

"Don't worry Josh, I'm not going to tell you about that. But..." I could still back out, but I wasn't going to. "I do want to say that I had the best time ever with him."

Dad caught it straight away, coughing a bit as if to buy time before I hopefully said something else to make more sense of it. I thought Mum was probably going to have told him anyway, but judging by his look, she hadn't. He looked to her to check that he'd heard what he thought he heard. Mum nodded, and I guess he could see that she already knew but she silently mouthed the word 'yesterday' to him. He looked back to me and I nodded, smiling.

"Yeah, and I'm very happy about it Dad."

He was still looking surprised, certainly, but I think he was happy too. I looked at Josh, he was still eating. Noticing the unusual silence, and maybe feeling me looking at him, he looked up.

"What?" He looked around the table? "Why are you all being so weird? So he went on a date and had a really great time with hi..."

He stopped mid-word, in fact he stopped moving completely, still holding a torn piece of croissant in his hand. He looked to me, and I could see that he was still mentally finishing his own sentence. Again, and again. He glanced to Mum and Dad, then back to me. It was unintentionally pretty funny to watch.

"Fu... I mean... no way. Are you being serious?"

"Yeah, totally serious."

There was a brief yet silent pause as he looked around the table.

"Wow. Kay's gay. Ha ha ha ha ha, you know that's what you're called now, right? Gay-Kay."

I punched him on the arm, and he gave me a kiss on my cheek. He's a sweet guy really. We finished breakfast, and Mum and Dad were just super amazing about the whole thing. I sort of knew they would be, but still, it was scary as hell. After stacking the dishwasher I went back upstairs and stood in Josh's doorway. He was playing on his Xbox.

"Can I come in?"

"Since when do you need to ask?"

I sat on the bed next to him.

"I just wanted to check that you're really OK with this Josh."

He put down the controller.

"Honestly, it's weird as fuck Kay. But I'll get used to it. Besides, what can you do about it, it's who you are, right? You gotta be yourself, and be happy."

"Thanks Josh. Can you do me a favour though?"

"There's no way I'm setting you up with any of my friends."

"No, stupid. No-one else knows yet, so can you not tell people at college, at least not yet?"

"Sure, it's none of their business anyway."

"Thanks."

I went to my own room and closed the door. It had been an intense experience. I picked up my phone and then immediately regretted not getting Jake's number. I wanted to chat with him, to talk with him, to hear his voice. Oh god, I missed him already.

I didn't have anything planned for the weekend, so I managed to convince myself that it wouldn't look at all pathetic, needy, or desperate, if I called in to the coffee shop to give Jake my number. You know, just on the way past in to town. But being the weekend, he wasn't actually working. I remembered that I kind of knew this already. Damn. The weekend girl was in. I should maybe learn her name one day. She smiled politely and had what I could only interpret as a knowing look. Maybe that's just in my imagination. I left her my number to give to Jake. It was somehow too embarrassing to wait for him, or even to ask her if he was upstairs. But I left feeling calm, happy, and content. And started checking my phone approximately every seven seconds.