All About Jake - 9. Endings and beginnings

A couple of months on and things have settled once again in to a new kind of normal. I don’t do very much with my life, but I have a small circle of friends to do it with, and that seems to work well for me.

We usually meet up a couple of times a week, sometimes all five of us, sometimes less, and sometimes, recently, just a couple of us. Which is always me and Reece.

Last week we all ended up at a karaoke bar, which was a lot more fun than I ever imagined it could be. Obviously this is heavily influenced by the excessive alcohol, but I think we sounded amazing! Of course the next day, watching those video’s of us that I don’t even remember uploading and tagging on Facebook would seem to indicate that we weren’t quite so amazing, but still, I had a great time. There seemed to be a lot of 80’s rock, and many, many songs that really aren’t duets but turned into one. Not that I remembered doing it, but I also somewhat bitterly tagged Jake in my rendition of ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’. But more pressing was the other matter that I hadn’t noticed, at least, not until that night. Reece. We were spending a lot of time together, and we’d started to do things without everyone else. Nothing shocking, just going to the cinema sometimes, or a bar now and then, hanging out really.

Last night, we had been ‘just hanging out’ together at a bar, at The Castle actually, where I had first been introduced to him. I’m still taking the pills, so alcohol is broadly a bad idea, but occasionally, OK, maybe too often, I ‘forget’ this and enjoy a few beers, and then a few more, and then a few more too. This was one of those nights. Then music was good, I was in an OK mood, which was relatively good by my usual standards, so it was easy to get a little carried away. Me and Reece get on really well, always having something to talk about, laughing at the same things, liking the same kinds of films, tv shows and music and stuff. But perhaps stupidly, I hadn’t ever really thought about him in any other context.
I was now having to as I woke up in bed with him the following morning. Despite the unfamiliar surroundings, I realised exactly where I was almost immediately. And of course, I could also see Reece laying next to me.

“So…” he said, I think unsure of what to say.

“Yeah, so…”

Yeah, it was definitely an awkward way to wake up!

“Did we…? Oh god, we did didn’t we.”

I could feel that we were both naked, but I could also remember, all to well, what the answer was.

“Yeah, so look, Reece…”

“It was good, wasn’t it? I liked it, and you seemed to like it too.”

He wasn’t wrong about that.

“Look, Reece, the thing is…”

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Kaiden it’s fine. It was going to happen sooner or later. Wasn’t it?”

“I don’t know, yeah, maybe. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.”

We both got out of bed and started to dress as we talked. I felt very awkward about he whole thing, but Reece seemed OK with it.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t think I’m ready for anything more serious, or maybe anything at all.”

“You don’t have to keep apologising. It’s OK. It doesn’t have to mean anything right away.”

“So this was what, try before you buy?”

“No! It was fun Kaiden, that’s all. For now. I mean, I’d love to be in a proper relationship with you, but I’ll wait for you to be ready.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

Fuck him, somehow still in my head at every moment, why can’t I escape him? Reece didn’t speak again until we were eating breakfast, and by then, he seemed to have completely moved on, so we managed to maintain a friendship at least. And the thing was, I did like him. He’s cute, in a really different way to Jake, but still cute. And more importantly, he’s funny, and intelligent, and easy to be with. So basically everything you could ever want, right? Which was the problem. The exact same problem that I’ve been boring Scott to death with I’m sure every single fucking week. He’s not Jake. No-one is. I hate what happened between us, I hate what I said to him, and how I felt, and that it’s over. And secretly, or maybe not secretly, I missed him.

I’d been over it again and again in therapy, it’s over, he’s in Scotland doing his thing, presumably with his skanky ass new boyfriend, the stupid little fuck. And weirdly, I really hope that he’s happy. I know, there’s no shortage of people telling me I should hate him, but I don’t, I can’t. And I’m here, failing at life, back home, drifting, and avoiding a possible relationship with a genuinely perfectly nice guy.

Things with Reece and me seemed to settle back into just being friends easily enough, although I was very conscious of what he had said that morning. The whole gang of us continued to hang out regularly, and I had made some properly good friends. Sarah was quick to point out, during one of our very limited phone calls, that she wasn’t going to be replaced by anyone. Although she spent most of her time raining vengeful words upon Jake. It was always great to chat with her, but it didn’t happen very often.

As time drifted on towards the summer, I was properly feeling a lot better. It seemed to be a much slower recovery than last time, but I guess circumstances were different. Josh had split up with his girlfriend, which was the biggest news ever for about four days, and after that, we spent a lot more time together. He was finishing school this year, but wasn’t planning on going to University, opting for a gap year, presumably inspired by Sarah. As was usual, Mum and Dad were out for the weekend. They seemed to have re-invented their social life at some point when I wasn’t paying attention and were always out somewhere. Not that I mind at all, it was just a little unusual. Josh had gone in to the city to meet some friends whilst I opted to stay home and watch Netflix.

I heard him coming in, so wasn’t surprised when he appeared in my doorway, although I was surprised by his attitude.

“Why did you lie about Jake?”

“What?”

“You said he was still at uni up in Scotland, but I’ve just seen him at Dougs.”

“OK, no need to shout. So what?”

“He said he’s been back for months.”

“Wait, you’ve seen Jake?”

“Yes!”

“Jake? How? I mean, when?”

“Today, in town, at Dougs.”

“Oh.”

“He was asking about you.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. Well not nothing, but you know. I didn’t say anything. He seemed pretty cut up about you dumping him though.”

“Good. He must be back for the summer.”

“No, I just told you, he’s been back for ages. He looks like shit as well.”

“What?”

“He looks way worse than you ever did.”

“Good.”

I didn’t mean it, but I couldn’t find a better response in the moment.

“Don’t be stupid. Do you think you should talk to him?”

“No! Why would I?”

“I don’t know. The same reason you still have that photo of the two of you pinned on the wall?”

I looked across to where Josh was pointing, although I didn’t need to. It was the photo of me and Jake at the top of the big wheel.

“No. If he’s back then it’s still nothing to do with me. It’s been over for months.”

“Bollocks.”

“Don’t Josh, you know it’s over.”

“He said he’s back working at the coffee shop with his Dad.”

“Fuck off Josh.”

“I’m just telling you what he said.”

“Well don’t.”

The conversation with Josh had left me in a bad mood, which would have been fine, except that I was still in a bad mood when I met up with Carla and Reece and everyone later on. And everyone noticed. Reece, who was now seemingly always managing to be sitting or standing next to me at every opportunity kept trying to cheer me up, but unfortunately, I’d opted for a more beer based remedy. Finally, after god knows how many times off him nudging my shoulder or poking me in the ribs, I grabbed hold of him and kissed him, right in front of everyone. There was a slightly stunned silence from everyone else, and I had one of those little moment of realising many things all at the same time.

What the fuck are you doing Kaiden? Reece is a really good kisser though, but you know that’s not enough, right? Why are you doing this? You’ve made absolutely the worst, most wrong, and stupid decision here. No, no, no, no, no. I’m also going to have to explain to Reece now that I don’t want a relationship with him. Again! And worst of all, by some significant margin - I want to see Jake.
I stepped back, leaving Reece looking understandably surprised, and everyone else more than a little confused.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I think I should go. I’ll, erm…, yeah. Later. Sorry.”

It wasn’t a run, because that would have been humiliating, but it was certainly a hurried exit from the bar and towards home. What the fuck is wrong with me? I went home and spent the rest of the weekend considering my options, or, as my family put it, sulking and pacing.

By Monday morning, I’d made my decision. Fuck him, whatever was going on for him was his problem, not mine. He totally fucked me over, and ruined my life, and it was all his fault.

And so obviously, Monday afternoon, I find myself stood outside the door to the coffee shop. I took a deep breath, unsure of what I was preparing myself for, but knowing I needed to feel prepared, and pushed open the door. It was the best and worst situation, no-one was waiting to be served, and both Jake ands his Dad were behind the counter. His Dad saw me first, raising an eyebrow before turning towards his son. Jake looked up and our eyes met. Shit, Josh was right, he did look terrible. He’d lost some weight and now seemed almost skinny, his hair was flat, and he seemed much paler than the last time I saw him. And worse, he seemed to be a little scared by seeing me. Cowering would be an exaggeration for sure, but not by much. I walked towards him, and he stepped slightly further away behind the counter. Then I remembered just how much I had wanted to punch him the last time we saw each other, which wasn’t a very pleasant feeling. As big as the list of things I really didn’t like about him might have been, I was also worried about him, he didn’t look good, like at all.

“Jake?”

“Hey.”

He brushed some stray hair away from his eyes, but barely looked at me.

“I didn’t know you were back. Can we talk?”

Jake looked over to his Dad, who was obviously overhearing us as he was only a few feet away. He nodded towards the door up to their flat, and Jake disappeared up the stairs. Was I supposed to follow him? Before I had to decide what to do, his Dad was standing in front of me.

“Just go easy on him.”

“Me? I’m not the one who fucked everything up!”

“No, I know. But still… Please.”

“I’m just here to talk with him.”

His Dad walked away and I headed up the stairs to find Jake leaning against the kitchen counter.

“So why are you here?” He asked, sounding anything but confident.

“I just… I don’t know, OK. I guess I wanted to see how you are. How are you back from Uni so early?”

“I’ve been back for a couple of months…”

“What?”

“After… well, after that, I guess things got too much for me. I’ve been here ever since.”

“Right.”

“And you?”

“Me? I’ve been back a little while too. I’ve kind of dropped out after everything…”

All the while, his eyes had avoided mine, but now he was looking up.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Kaiden. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Yeah, well, it has.”

There was silence for a few seconds, maybe more than a few. It would have been so much easier if I’d hated him, but I just couldn’t. I also didn’t want to stay.

“OK, so, look after yourself alright Jake? You kinda look like shit.”

“Kaiden?”

“Yeah?”

“I really loved you, you know that, right? Please? I still do.”

Not hating him wasn’t enough to suppress a stray flicker of anger.

“What the fuck Jake? How can you say that?”

“I just… I mean it. I do.”

“I loved you. And you fucking ruined everything. Like literally, everything. I almost killed myself, so don’t fucking dare say that you love me.”

“But I do! And I’m sorry. I can’t take it all back because if I could, I would have done it. But I do love you.”

Despite the yelling, Jake stepped towards me.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

The sentiment was very real, although it was largely because I couldn’t trust myself if we got any closer. There was more silence, and more tears, and a whole mixed up mess of feelings that I couldn’t even begin to make sense of in the moment.

“This is a mistake, I’m sorry, I’ll not come back.”

“Kaiden please, wait. I’ll do anything…”

“Yeah, including fucking someone else behind my back.”

“It wasn’t like that! We never…”

“I don’t want to know, I can’t deal with that right now.”

“But I need to tell you, to try and explain.”

“I don’t care.”

“I was lonely Kaiden. It’s not an excuse, I know I was fucking stupid, but I was sad and lonely and you were having such a great time and with all your new friends. And Greg.”

“Well I was depressed too, OK? I missed you every single day and… And Greg? Oh my god, did you really think that I would do that? Apart from him being straight, you thought I would cheat on you? It’s like you don’t know me at all.”

“So I was jealous! I can’t help it, I wasn’t thinking right. Look, I know, I know that I fucked up. And I’m sorry. But isn’t it worth trying to…”

“To what?”

“To try again? It was good, wasn’t it, before?”

“That’s not how this works Jake.”

“Please? I don’t know how to be me when I’m not with you.”

As much as I hated to admit it, I knew exactly what he meant.

“It’s not that simple. There’s someone…”

“What? You’re seeing someone else?”

“Yes. No, kind of, I don’t know.”

“Who?”

“It doesn’t matter. You hurt me Jake. You’re asking way too much. I’m going to go.”

“Please?”

“Bye Jake.”

I left him stood in the kitchen, and opted to use the side door, to avoid walking past his Dad again. I didn’t have any plan or expectation for how seeing Jake was hoping to go, but I hadn’t expected this.
After the incident in the bar Reece had messaged me a few times, mostly saying things like ‘what the fuck?’ And ‘are you OK?’. When I got home, I finally replied to him, and we chatted for a bit, before agreeing to meet up and talk about it properly. We planned for meeting early Friday evening., so that Carla and maybe the others could join us later. I made more effort than usual getting ready, because I’d finally come to a decision. Jake was over. Reece is here. It’s a no-brainer really. I was feeling nervous as I walked in, but a beer would help with that. Reece was already there, so I took a seat opposite him.

“Hey.”

“Hi Reece. So… about last week.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about that. I think I was still trying to figure out what to do, and, I don’t know, I’m sorry anyway.”

“It’s cool. I mean, I liked it. But you said you weren’t ready for anything, so, I’m not sure what’s happening.”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I wasn’t sure either. But I am now.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. I’m ready, for something real, maybe even something serious.”

“Oh, wow. What happened to change your mind?”

“I don’t know, I just had to work through some stuff I think.”

“And now you have?”

“Yes, totally! So? I mean, us, I’m ready for us.”

“OK, so I need to ask you something.”

“What? Anything.”

“The other guy, your ex, what’s he called, Jake?”

“Jake, yeah.”

“Where’s he in this?”

“It’s over. Totally over. I even went to see him on Monday, and it’s… well it’s done.”

“Right.”

“What does that mean?”

“I just want to know where you’re at with this, because I don’t want to be your rebound relationship.”

“It’s been over for months! Seriously, I couldn’t care less.”

“No, you just haven’t seen him for months.”

“So?”

“Are you going to see him again?”

“No, I don’t think so. Why would I?”

“I don’t know. So if he walked in here right now, that would be OK?”

“Is he here?”

I stood up to see over people as I quickly scanned the room.

“How do I know, I don’t even know what he looks like.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“The answer is ‘no’ Kaiden.”

“What?”

“No. You’re a great guy, and totally hot too, but no.”

“But why? You said…”

“Because you’re clearly not over him.”

“What!? No, I am. Aren’t I? Fuck!”

“It’s OK. I just don’t think I should make things any more complicated.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“You’ll thank me one day. More beer?”

Reece went to the bar, and while I was still trying to come to terms with basically being turned down, Carla arrived, uncharacteristically early.

“So you guys worked it all out?”

“No. Yes, I don’t even know. Apparently I’m ‘not over’ my ex.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“What?”

“Oh, you’re surprised?”

“Of course I’m fucking surprised! It’s been over for months.”

“Yeah, OK. So, have you still got his number in your phone?”

“Yeah…”

“And you’re still friends on Facebook?”

“Well yeah but…”

“And when was the last time you saw him?”

“Monday, but that was…”

“Right. And I bet he’s not inside you head at all, right?”

“It’s not like that…”

“Sure.”

“You know what, I don’t think I want to stay here.”

“Come on Kaiden, don’t be like that. I just think that maybe Reece is right. And believe me, I don’t like admitting that, ever.”

“He’s totally wrong. You both are.”

I left the two of them to it and wandered towards home, my head still spinning slightly, and not from the alcohol. As I headed home, walking past the coffee shop, I couldn’t help but glance in. Of course, it was Friday night, so it was starting to get busy, ready for the live music. I found myself peering in through the window like some kind of modern day Charles Dickens character, and I saw him, Jake, with his friends, just like before. Except, he seemed quieter, or at least looked quieter because I couldn’t hear anything. And he didn’t seem to be enjoying himself very much, or laughing, ever. He looked so sad, and I felt sad seeing him like that. Had I really done this? i mean, no, I know, he did it. But still, was he really that sad without me? I hoped so, because I knew I was that sad without him.

I avoided Reece and everyone else for a couple of weeks, occasionally messaging and chatting but not meeting up. I needed to try and clear my head a bit, although it didn’t help. It didn’t take away the thoughts, or the feelings, and trying to ignore them or deny them or tell myself i was stupid for having them didn’t help either.

A day of this is OK. A couple of days get’s boring. And a couple of weeks gets just plain crazy. There was only Jost home with me on this particular afternoon. I picked up my bag and headed for the door.

“Josh, I’m going out, back later.”

“OK. Anywhere good?”

“To the future.”

“OK then. Freak.”

I considered changing my mind with every single step, but never did. It was actually less about changing my mind and more about giving in to what was already there. Maybe it made me stupid, or desperate, or sad, or I don’t even know what. Pushing open the door was a bit like a time warp, albeit a pleasant one. There's were a couple of people sitting alone at tables, and Jake was standing behind the counter.

“Hey” he said, and already I was having to concentrate on not crying. I don’t even know what I felt like crying.

“Hi.”

"What would you like?"

"Large latte please."

"Sitting in?"

“Yes please.”

I watched as Jake make my coffee. Watched, and felt tense.

“That’s £2.90.”

“Ha, I guess some things change huh?”

Jake smiled, the tiniest, but still there, smile

“Yeah, I guess so.”

He place my latte on the counter between us as I swiped my card to pay. I looked down at it for a second, still weighing up my options at the very last second. But in the end, I spoke.

“So… I literally never do this… But do you want to go for a drink some time?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you Jake.”

“You mean, as friends?”

I took a deep breath.

“If you want. But no, that’s not what I meant.”

He smiled again, but properly this time. Instead of answering, he walked along the counter a little way and returned, placing a biscuit on the saucer in front of me.

“What’s that for?”

“It’s a new promotion… For people I’ve really fucked over and totally don’t deserve.”

Our fingers touched as I smiled, and still cried a little.

“Cool, so Friday then? I’ll pick you up.”