All About Jake - 5. The Party Problem

Dinner was fairly OK, despite it being the most momentous occasion of my entire life. Jake meeting my parents, my parents meeting Jake, and me struggling to contain the fact that we had just had sex, well basically, sort of, just a few minutes ago upstairs, so maybe it was both OK and massively stressful. But it went well, everyone was happy, Jake was incredibly nice and charming, which I don’t imagine was difficult because he’s always like that. Mum and Dad definitely liked him, and Josh, he was close to hero-worship after the record store, so I knew I was good there too. Honestly, it couldn’t actually have gone any better at all. Until it all came crashing down in the space of one question from Josh. A few brief words that basically ended my life. Fine, so maybe that’s a bit melodramatic, but it was enough to leave me feeling physically punched in the stomach. The four of us were just sitting around the table, chatting politely, when Josh came out with it.

“So you’re coming to the party then Jake?”

My mood plummeted from ‘how great is my life right now’ to ‘my life is now a worthless toil of loneliness and sorrow until I eventually die, which will hopefully be soon but given my apparent level of good fortune I’ll be enduring this hateful existence for another three hundred years’. In the second of silence that followed I had one of those moments where I had mentally made about three thousand decisions, played out multiple possibilities, searched for and explored alternatives and finally had to give up. Jake looked up at Josh, and then over to me.

“Sure, what party?”

How much easier it would have been if I could have said ‘oh, nothing, don’t worry about it’, or anything like that. Unfortunately I spent too long trying to find the appropriate words and so Josh just carried on talking.

“For Kay’s birthday, it’s the weekend after next, literally everyone has been invited, it’s gonna be massive.”

Yes, literally everyone, except of course Jake, the boy who is the only person I actually want to be there, but I hadn’t even told about the party because I couldn’t find a way to make it work. I wanted him to be there, with me, obviously. But, that would mean he was there, with me. I didn’t want to lie to anyone about who he was, but I also didn’t want to tell everyone who he was either. Who I was, I guess, was really the bigger problem. And I couldn’t see a way for that to realistically happen. I’d spent no small amount of time fantasising about how it might play out, maybe some big coming out gesture, or a dramatic announcement. Of course that wasn’t really what I wanted to do, it didn’t feel at all right, but I didn’t have a more realistic plan either. Despite my own disjointed and incoherent turmoil Jake seemed to be able to make some sense of my look anyway, because he played it really casually.

“Right, yeah, I’m not sure yet, I might have to work at the coffee shop.” And then looking straight at me, “but we’re still talking about options, I guess we’ll see.”

I felt relieved and also like a really shitty boyfriend. The rest of dinner was uneventful, maybe even subdued. I think Mum had kicked Josh under the table because he was uncharacteristically quiet and Mum was doing that thing where you know she is making polite conversation to cover something. At least that’s how it felt to me. After we had finished the red berry pavlova - which I know we weren’t going to be having because we basically never have dessert, so thanks Mum for the flawless last minute effort - Jake and I went back up to my room.

“I should probably be going, Dad was expecting me home hours ago.”

“Oh, yeah, OK. Well thanks for staying anyway, it’s been really cool having you over.”

‘And having sex with you.’ Yeah, that was beyond cool. I didn’t say that though, because Jake had a slightly serious look to him. There was a pause, we should have been kissing, but we weren’t. Fuck.

“Jake? I’m sorry, about the party thing, I was going to talk to you about it.”

“It’s OK Kaiden, I get it, it’s going to be too difficult for you if I’m here.”

It really wasn’t there, in his tone, but I heard the accusation loud and clear none the less. It was too difficult. He wasn’t worth the trouble. That wasn’t how I felt about Jake at all. But we were still stood there facing each other, not kissing, and he wasn’t even making it better with a hug. He was hurt, by me, and I didn’t know how to make it better. I could feel my eyes getting moist and I was blinking more than normal.

“Jake, of course I want you to be here. You’re probably the only person I *do* want to spend my birthday with, but I don’t know how to do this.”

“No, I know.”

Jake picked up his jacket from my bed before giving me the briefest kiss on my cheek. What the hell? I followed him downstairs and stood uselessly as he went out of the front door and headed home. I watched as he walked away, waiting for him to turn around, to look at me, but he didn’t. How had I messed this up so badly, and so quickly? Mum and Dad and Josh were all still sat in the kitchen, and must have seen what had just happened.

“Is Jake going already?”

“Fuck off Josh!”

I never yell, and I never talk like that in front of my parents, but I was angry. I ran up to my room and slammed the door closed, needing to be away from people, and from my own self-loathing. The people bit was easy, the self loathing, that has a habit of following me around. I pressed play on iTunes and turned it up loud, instantly regretting it as Jake’s cool music choices continued from where we had left them. There was no way I was worthy of listing to that, so I reverted to the more familiar but endlessly less cool dance pop stuff I usually listen to. I lay on my bed and screamed into my pillow until I couldn’t properly catch my breath. I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket and messaged him. I needed to at least maintain contact with him somehow, but there was no reply to my ‘hey, I’m really sorry Jake, please can we talk?’, he hadn’t even read it half an hour later. As I was yet again refreshing my messages, I’m not sure why I thought that would make any difference, there was a knock on my door.

“Go away.”

“Kay? Is everything alright?”

“Go away Mum, please.”

“OK. Just to be clear, is that a yes or a no?”

I exhaled heavily and got up off of my bed, attempting to wipe my face dry as I walked over to the door and opened it.

“It’s a no. What do you want?”

Mum just stood there, slightly shocked at my obviously pissed off tone.

“Sorry, it’s just… I’m a little stressed right now.”

“OK, I understand.”

“No you don’t! You don’t fucking understand so don’t say that! No-one does.”

I went back to my bed and sat down, my head in my hands, trying not to totally lose it in front of my Mum. I felt my bed sink lower as she came and sat next to me.

“I hadn’t told Jake about the party because I didn’t want him to come. I mean, I do want him to come, but I don’t know how to be with him, with everyone else, without it all going crazy, so I just didn’t say anything, and now he’s pissed off with me because he thinks I’m ashamed of him or of being gay or something, I don’t know.”

“Is that what he said?”

“No. But it’s what he looked like. I could see it.”

“Maybe you should talk to him?”

“I’ve tried, he won’t even read my messages.”

“OK… I mean’t, actually talk to him. I know it’s really old fashioned, but maybe texting him isn’t the best way?”

“Fine.”

I picked up my phone and a jacket and headed downstairs. Mum was still talking as I closed the front door.

“…I did’t mean now!”

It was only a few minute walk over to the shop, and being a Saturday night it was still open and busy. Really busy. I walked in and squeezed my way through groups of people as I looked for Jake. It took me a couple of minutes to see him, sat near the front with his friends. Great. Of course the realisation that what I was doing was incredibly stupid came too late. I was stood there already, just behind Jake, and a couple of his friends had seen me. One of them made a look towards Jake, indicating me behind him. I’m fairly sure the look said ‘hey, Jake, that whiny kid who follows you around sometimes is stood behind you.’ Jake turned around to see me, then stood up. We stepped very slightly away from the others, although they could probably still hear us perfectly well.

“Kaiden, what are you doing here?”

Not exactly the greeting I might have hoped for, but at least he was talking to me.

“Jake, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry you don’t know what to do as well.”

Well that fucking hurt. I looked at him whilst trying to retain some sense of composure as he carried on talking.

“Look, this is harder than I thought it would be, a lot harder. I don’t know if I can do it, maybe it’s all a bad idea.”

“What? What do you mean?”

Jake took hold go my hand.

“Kaiden, I want to tell the whole world about you, even all the people who don’t even know me. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. But you, you don’t want to tell anyone about me. And I know I said I’d never put pressure on you. I just don’t know if I can do it. I’m sorry.”

‘Oh god, he’s breaking up with me. This is definitely the kind of thing that happens when someone breaks up with someone else. It’s not you it’s me. Fuck. This is all my fault.’

“Jake, please?”

“I don’t think I can be there, with all of your friends, being… what? Being a no-one, a nothing, maybe a vaguely introduced friend? Not being able to touch you, or hold you, or dance with you, or kiss you, to share any part in a moment that is all for you. I don’t ever want to be the person that makes your world more difficult, so maybe it’s better if I’m not in it.”

“No, it’s not like that!”

Jake had let go of my hand, and I felt as though gravity might fail and I’d fall away from him at any moment.

“Really? Because right now it feels like you want to fuck me but only if no-one else finds out Kaiden. I’m not cool with that.”

“Jake, no! I swear, it’s not like that.”

“No, maybe not. But that’s how I feel right now, which is why now is a bad time for us to talk about it.”

“Please….”

“Go home Kaiden.”

Jake turned away and sat back down without looking back. I stumbled out of the shop just before I failed to hold back the sea of tears. His words still ringing in my head. I didn’t even know what had just happened, had I been dumped? Was that it, over before it even really started? As I walked home I tried not to focus on the possible imminent or apparently very recent end of my relationship with Jake, and instead followed the other feeling growing within me. Born of anger and frustration no doubt, but this had to end. I couldn’t go through the rest of my life doing this. It had to change. Not that I knew how, but it just had to.

By the end of classes on Monday, after all day Sunday being miserable, I’d come to the perhaps obvious conclusion that the only way this was going to be resolved was to actually come out, whatever that means. I find it a very strange concept. I caught Sarah by her locker.

“Hey Sarah, you want to come buy me milkshakes?”

“Errr, why? You usually disappear within three seconds of class finishing.”

“I know, but I’m not today. Besides, I want to talk to you about something.”

“And why am I buying you milkshakes?”

“Because you’ll get to hear my deepest darkest secrets.”

She rolled her eyes at me, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist.

“Kay Walker, you are impossible, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I think you told me that before.”

Twenty minutes later we were sat in a booth with our milkshakes. I had butterscotch with extra malt. It’s ridiculously sweet, but also, very tasty. I briefly brought her up to date with the Jake situation and the party problem, leaving out most of the sex stuff, but she got the idea.

“So what’s you’re big plan? How are you going to fix this Kay?”

“So I think… I have to tell people.”

“About Jake?”

“Well yeah, sort of. About me, what I am.”

“Who. You’re not a what, you’re a who. Dumbass.”

“Fine, whatever, who I am.”

“You mean about being a big fairy, batting for the other team, queer puff?”

“I was just going with gay, but yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

“Are you sure?”

“That I’m gay, yeah, do you not remember?”

“No, stupid, I mean about telling people. You can’t change your mind and take it back, once you’ve done it, it’s true forever.”

“But it’s true now, just true and secret, and that’s definitely making things worse.”

Sarah got a more serious look, the one where she tilts her head slightly to one side. Very serious.

“Look, Kay, the people that properly love you will love you no matter what. But it might be hard, people can be stupid about this sort of stuff you know?”

“Yeah, I know. But maybe I have to finally find out who my actual friends are.”

“So what are you going to do? I mean, how are you going to tell people? Who are you going to tell first?”

“I have no idea.”

“Yeah, great plan Kay, this is going to go really well.”

“I know, I'm being stupid aren't I.”

“No, just, is ‘desperate’ a better word?”

“No!”

“I'm joking Kay. Wow, you’re not usually this tense. Why do you have to ‘do’ anything?”

“What do you mean? Have you not been listening? I have to find a way to fix this.”

“Kay, what I mean is, why do you have to make some kind of statement?”

“But don't I? This is a really big deal.”

“For you it is. But maybe it shouldn't be.”

“Exactly! It's my business, nobody else's, well maybe Jake, but you know what I mean.”

“So Kay? Why are you making this about all those other people? It's your life, and your party, and your boyfriend.”

“Because it isn't that simple.”

I left feeling not very much better or clearer at all. Sarah was supposed to be able to help. Avoiding the coffee shop for the first time ever, I felt bad about it but I didn't know how to talk to Jake right then. Which also made me feel bad. Everything made me feel bad. Three days later and I still felt bad. Worse actually. And I’d still not seen or spoken to or even messaged Jake. Yes, alright maybe I’d been avoiding him. Maybe I’d deliberately not even walked past the shop, even though it takes me much longer to go the other way around. But things were bad.

Googling ‘how to come out’ at three is the morning is never a good sign, is it? And for anyone wondering, it’s no fucking help either. Unless you’re going to send everyone cards, make rainbow cakes, or have a ‘surprise rainbow theme’ party. Fucking rainbows, they’re full of shit. I tried to carry on with the rest of my life as normally as possible, and because, as I was rapidly realising, most of the people I’m surrounded by are flaky narcissists, pretty much everyone at college didn’t seem to notice any change in me. I continued to avoid the coffee shop, although that was getting harder. I missed Jake so much it hurt. He made me happy, he made me the best version of me I can be, and I loved him. Which was something I hadn’t fully appreciated until I was faced with the possibility of him not being in my life. We’d hardly left things on a good note, but we hadn’t actually split up, we just weren’t talking. God, that sounds so desperate. But we probably both needed some space so I didn’t want to rush him.

It was Friday morning before I heard from him, a message appearing on my phone during class. Not wanting to appear too desperate, I waited at least 15 seconds before replying.

‘So it’s Friday, date night, and I’ve been an idiot. Can I at least see you to apologise?’

He really was an idiot if he thought this was somehow his fault.

‘Yes’

‘Cool 8pm?’

‘OK I’ll see you later’

I tried not to get too worked up about this, it was just another Friday night date, nothing serious, no big moment. But I was feeling so nervous, and excited. But also, stressed. This had to go right, and I had the perfect plan. OK so ‘plan’ might be overstating it, it was mostly just luck, but there was a small fairground set up in the city centre just for the weekend and I was thinking that this was the ideal sort of casual fun thing for us to do. Despite my best efforts, I was still running late. It was just after ten past by the time I got in to the shop, and Jake was up and walking over to me even before the door had closed.

“Hey”

“Hey Jake…”

Wow, I wasn’t prepared for how awkward it felt.

“Look, I erm… You look great… Do you want a drink? Shall I get you a beer or something? Or coffee?”

“Jake, it’s OK, calm down.”

“Sure, yeah, sorry. It’s just… Can we talk?”

“Yeah, that would be good, come outside will you?”

We walked in awkward silence a little way down the road, away from the small group of smokers in their temporary exile on the pavement.

“Kaiden, I’m really sorry about what I said, I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah you did, but that’s OK.”

“It is?”

“Well no, but it made me realise that I can’t go on like this, even if you could, which I doubt you would.”

“I will.”

“What?”

“I’ll do it Kaiden, I’ll be whatever you want to tell people. I’ve been a total idiot, everyone has said so.”

“Everyone?”

“Well, most people. Actually Dad said I was a ‘fucking idiot’, but it’s close enough.”

“You told your Dad?”

“Of course, I had to explain why I was so miserable and how it wasn’t your fault.”

“Oh. Isn’t it though? My fault I mean?”

“No, idiot. I knew what the deal was, and I’m sorry that I pushed it too far. I’ll wait Kaiden, for as long as it takes you. If you want me to. But if you don’t then I guess I can understand, I’ll leave you alone.”

I don’t know if this makes me ultra-high maintenance or what, but it wasn’t until I heard him say those words, out loud, telling me that he’d wait for me, that I realised how I felt.

“I’m going to tell everyone.”

“What?”

“If you’ll come to my party, with me, then I’m going to tell everyone.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am now. As much as I ever will be.”

“Of course I’ll be there.”

I hugged him so tight, properly feeling like I didn’t ever want to let go of him again. Pressing him between my body and the wall behind him. Kissing him. How did I manage to jeopardise this for anything? I kissed him again, right there in the street, with the streetlight exposing us to the world, not that any of the world was looking as far as I know, but I didn’t care.

“So what do you want to do tonight?”

“Actually, I have an idea, we’re going in to town.”

“Cool, let me get my jacket.”

I followed Jake back to the coffeeshop and watched as he walked over to retrieve his jacked from the back of his chair, exchanging a few words with his friends. I was watching from outside, unable to hear what was said, but I’m pretty sure he told them that things were OK between us because they, and mostly he, seemed really pleased about it. We started to walk in to the city centre, talking as we went.

“What’s the plan then Kaiden?”

“I thought we could go to the fair.”

“Oh, OK, sure.”

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s cool.”

“So why do you sound like that? Have you already been?”

“No, not at all, it’s really cool, honestly.”

I love fairgrounds, the lights, the smell - which I know is mostly diesel engines and generators mixed with burgers, and the noise. The noise is amazing, people having fun, all the different music systems blasting their huge bass filled soundtracks, it’s like it surrounds you. And it’s so loud, like it feels the music is actually inside of you. We walked around for a bit, seeing what rides there was. We were stood watching one ride, which looked really fun. It was called something weird like ‘Typhoon’ or something, and was about the biggest thing there. I don’t know why, but I love rides that are fast, spinning, and go upside-down, This had it all.

“Shall we go on?” I asked.

“You want to? OK, sure.”

The queue wasn’t too bad, only about ten minutes, during which we got an even better view of the ride as we were nearly underneath it. The seats were all in sets of two, so we were sitting next to each other, obviously. I was already getting excited as the harness came down, effectively trapping me into the seat. I looked over to Jake and he definitely wasn’t as excited. As we started to circle slowly, ascending all the time, I felt his hand on my thigh, gripping me tight. I tried to talk to him, to ask him if he was OK, but the ride had started and the wind was dragging away my words before they got to him. There wasn’t anything I could do, despite his grip getting ever tighter, so I held his hand. I don’t know if it’s really possible for someone to break the bones in your hand by squeezing it so tight, but it definitely felt like a possibility. The ride was amazing, and every so often you ended up with stunning if upside-down views across the whole city. As always, I was disappointed when it finally started to slow down before stopping, but for five minutes or so it was brilliant. I jumped out of my seat and turned to look at Jake, and felt really bad for him, he was actually pale. He stood up and hung on to me as we walked down the not quite level steps to proper firm ground.

“Jake, are you OK?”

“Yeah, I will be in a minute.”

“You sure? You don’t look so good.”

“It’s fine, I’m just… Hang on…”

Jake ran behind a burger van next to us and threw up in a dustbin before leaning back against the van to catch his breath.

“Here, I bought you some water, are you OK? What happened?”

“Thanks.”

He gulped some water, using it to rinse his mouth out before drinking the rest of it.

“I hate rides like that.”

“Then why did you come on it?”

“Because you were totally excited about it and wanted tonight to be perfect.”

I gave him a hug, but not too tight.

“OK, we need a new rule. We just have to say if we don’t want to do something. I feel awful now for making you go on it.”

“Well don’t, it was my own stupid fault. I’m really hungry now, you want food?”

“Always.”

We bought some expensive, although probably actually really cheap and nasty burgers and chips each, and walked around a bit more enjoying the atmosphere.

“OK, so, how about one last ride?”

“Kaiden, there’s no way I’m doing that again, possibly ever.”

“No, not that, something different.”

“Maybe, what are you thinking?”

“That.”

I pointed over towards the big wheel, by far the highest thing there, but it was also just a big wheel. I hoped that slowly going around on it might be easier.

“Sure, I can definitely manage that.”

It wasn’t very busy, so we got a whole car for six people to ourselves, which was perfect. We sat next to each other and as soon as were were above ground level I put my arm around Jake, pulling him closer to me. I could feel him relaxing into me, which was a truly great feeling. As we slowly approached the top of the ride the noise of the rest of the world below us became much quieter, and you could see for miles over the city. I leaned towards Jake and kissed him. Thankfully he tasted of burger and chips not vomit, but I probably would have kissed him anyway. The kissing got pretty serious as we turned to face each other properly, kissing him hard. Damn he turned me on so much. I moaned loudly into his mouth when his hand squeezed the hard bulge in my jeans. I briefly wondered if we time for a mutual hand job before we got back down to the ground, but decided we definitely didn’t. My hand was on him anyway, and he was clearly just as turned on as I was. By the time we were three quarters of the way around we pulled apart and tidied out clothes a little, getting ready to exit the ride.

We looked just like anyone else by the time we stepped out, but that charade didn’t last for very long as we had to walk past a booth selling souvenir photos from the ride. There we were, filling the whole fucking screen, kissing at the top of the ride. Thankfully you couldn’t see us rubbing each other, though from the angle of our arms it was perhaps pretty obvious what was going on. They should seriously warn people if they’re going to take photos. I was totally embarrassed, desperately hoping that the picture would change soon, and this got even worse when Jake walked up to the cashier. I was convinced that the entire city was looking at that photo of me getting off with my boyfriend, but in reality I don’t suppose they were. Jake bought the smallest photo print and two keyrings with it on too, which still cost him £20. I walked away as quickly as I could, only pausing to ensure that the picture had indeed vanished from the big screen. In truth, it was a pretty hot photo of us, and I was pleased that Jake thought so too.

“You want to do anything else Kaiden?”

“No, I think we’re done here.”

“Me too. You want to go get a drink somewhere?”

“Yeah, OK.“

“Or…”

“Or?”

“Or come back to mine maybe?”

It would have been so much easier to say no if his hand hadn’t been casually squeezing my ass. Or if I’d wanted to.

“Sure, let’s do that.”

It wasn’t particularly late, so the coffeeshop was still busy. I was expecting us to go in the side door, I don’t know why, but Jake was ahead of me and went through the main shop door. He casually waved at his friends, but made no effort to go speak with them, heading directly behind the counter, with me following. We stopped briefly as Jake talked with his Dad.

“Hey Dad, I’m back, Kaiden too.”

“So I see.” He looked over, still uncertain of me I think, but it didn’t seem like he hated me any more, which was some sort of progress.

“We’re going to be upstairs.”

“OK. Jake…?” I don’t know what that question was between them, but apparently they did.

“Yeah Dad, super cool.”

We headed straight to Jake’s room - door closed, music on, trainers off and laying on his bed getting into some serious kissing action within about twenty seconds. It was so hot, kissing him, feeling him, frequently finding myself laying on top of him, feeling him grinding against me. Shirts lasted about another fifteen minutes before we were into some proper mutual upper body exploration. Jake had an amazing body, and I couldn’t get enough of feeling him, touching him, kissing him, licking him, tasting him. Something about him just drove me wild. After half an hour or so we were laying opposite each other, alternating between exploring each others exposed bodies and still covered but achingly hard bulges.

“Kaiden? What time do you have to go?”

“I dunno, what time is it?”

“It’s just… you want to stay the night?”

“Sure?”

“Yeah, do you?”

“Fuck yeah. I know it’s sad, but I’ll have to call my Mum. Hang on.”

I sat up and dialled her, knowing that she would still be pretending not to be waiting up like she always did.

“Hey Mum”

“Yeah, really good thanks”

“Yeah it was great, we went to the fair, look, Mum…”

“No, not too busy, but Mum…”

“Look, Mum, I might be late home tonight…”

“Yeah, really late, like, maybe in the morning late?”

“Mum! Of course I will but I don’t think we’ll be…”

“I know! So is that OK?”

As soon as it was apparent that I would be staying over Jake stood up next to me.

“Yeah Mum, I don’t know exactly what time…”

Jake started to unfasten his jeans, and I, obviously, couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Yeah, eleven maybe, don’t wait for breakfast.”

The buttons were undone, and he pushed them down, stepping out of them. God he looked amazing standing there in his boxers, which hid nothing of his excitement at all.

“Look I gotta go Mum… Yeah really…”

Jake slid his thumbs into the waistband, pushing them down a couple of inches and turning slowly around so I could watch his perfect ass too.

“No, it’s fine, I promise I’ll get it all done on Sunday…”

I swallowed hard, my voice on the verge of cracking. Jake pushed his boxers all the way down, his fine ass there for me to stare at, and his just as fine cock sticking out. My first time seeing him properly naked, and he’s fucking teasing me with it.

“I really got to go!”

Jake came closer and pushed me onto my back on the bed as he started to unfasten my own jeans.

“Yeah, love you too Mum”

Pulling them down, not particularly carefully or slowly.

“I promise! Bye Mum!”

I hung up and dropped my phone as Jake pulled down my boxers.

“Fuck you Jake! I was on the phone to my Mum!”

His hard naked body was pressed against mine, his hand on my cheek, our cocks throbbing against each other.

“I know, sorry, guess I’m just impatient.”

The kissing and grinding is definitely much more fun without the clothes, and Jake’s skin was so smooth and hot, all over. I made sure to check everywhere. Several times the lust won out and we were wanking each other, then stopping, realising that neither of us wanted this moment to end as quickly as that would make it end. But it was getting close anyway. Somehow Jake had manoeuvred us around so that I was on my back and trying really hard not to yell out expletives as he flicked his tongue over my nipples. As he kissed his way down my chest I was certain that this wasn’t going to take very much longer. There was no way I wanted this to be a party for one, so I pushed him onto his side and shifted down the bed a little. I’d watched enough porn to know the theory at least, although physically, it’s not quite as easy as they make it look.

There was none of the slow build up. There might have been, but as I was there with his cock in my hand in front of my face any thoughts of that evaporated when I felt him take me into his mouth and I just went for it. Thankfully it wasn’t the insta-cum I feared, I think I probably lasted about five minutes, and in that time, I like to imagine that my own technique improved. Although starting from a zero position probably made that inevitable as long as I didn’t actually bite him. Which I didn’t. The muffled moaning and groaning intensified, and I tried my best in the hope that he was feeling even half as good as I was. I could feel my inevitable build-up starting, slower than when I’m impatiently wanking myself, much more enjoyable, and a much, much bigger feeling. It wasn’t just in my balls and all along my cock, but it was like my entire body was tensing in preparation. I tried to talk, to tell him, but it weirdly felt as though I might cry, or laugh, so I did’t and just concentrated on sucking Jake. And then it happened, the tensing the spasming, and gut wrenching ecstasy when I started to cum what felt like about ten times more than usual and with way more force. Jake swallowed my cock whole, and moments later, I got my first taste of the other side of this equation as he started to shoot in my mouth. I see and read a lot of times where a guy just can’t quite manage to contain it all and it ends up dripping down his face or something, but I think this must be some kind of power trip fantasy imagery as honestly, even in my mega awkward first time moment, it’s pretty easy to keep it in your mouth. Though to be fair, breathing and not choking on it is a little bit harder, but totally possible, even for a novice like me.

Jake turned around, both of us too sensitive for further contact, and lay with his head on my shoulder. I put my arms around him and he cuddled as close as we could possibly be, enjoying the post-orgasm zone together.

“That was fucking amazing Kaiden.”

“Sure was.”

When I turned to look at him his eyes were closed, a feeling I could relate to. I pulled the duvet over us and returned my arms to holding Jake next to me. He shifted around a bit, the two of us finding just that right position where we were both comfortable, not yet familiar enough to do so automatically. Jake ended up with his head on my chest and we both drifted for a while. Quite a long time actually, like half an hour or so.

I woke up in the same position, with Jake still sleeping. He looked totally adorable, but other matters needed attention, I needed to use the bathroom. I eventually found my boxers in the mild chaos that was his room and headed down the corridor. I was surprised to find that Jake still hadn’t moved when I got back, so I turned off the music, flicked off the light, lost the boxers again, and climbed back in to bed. Which was a feeling only just slightly less amazing than half an hour ago. Jake half woke up and we kissed, softly, gently, as my arms once again surrounded him. A hint of a smile on his lips.

“‘Night Kaiden.”

“Yeah, ‘night Jake.”

At some point in the night, I don’t remember it happening, we shifted around in bed, and I woke up in the morning spooning Jake, with him curled against me, his back pressed into my chest and my arm still over him. He was holding my hand. That’s probably the best ever waking up I’ve experienced. I kissed the back of his neck and tried not to think about my usual morning hardness pressing against his ass. It seemed kind of weird when he was still asleep. But damn, it was also kind of good.

Jake turned over almost immediately, already smiling at me, and clearly just as hard as I was. This kissing moved quickly from light and airy ‘isn’t it a great feeling waking up with you’ to a more intense ‘yeah but I’m also not able to stop touching you, we totally have to do this right now’. At least that’s what I was thinking.

In a slightly less hurried replay of the previous night we were soon sucking each other. Only I was much better able to have more fun and worry slightly less about it being over too quickly. It’s a weird realisation, that you actually have someone’s cock in your mouth, and that you like it. I mean, how gay is that? I know, it’s a stupid thought, but it was there. We were both still learning about the other, but we definitely made progress on how to excite the other, a couple of times going right to the edge only to back off and slow down again. A technique I’m familiar enough with on my own, the pleasure of which is amplified about a thousand percent when it’s someone else doing it to you. The moans were starting to sound more intense, the thrusting more forceful. My fingers that had been playing with his balls slid up and over his ass, right over his hole, which elicited some serious excitement from Jake. I did it again, and again, loving how much he was into this. I tentatively pushed my finger in, only a little bit, and Jake started going fucking crazy, practically yelling with my cock in his mouth, which felt pretty good to me. I pushed in some more, and he was properly loving it, pushing between my finger and my mouth. One final push into him and he started to to cum so hard, whimpering more than moaning. The taste of him, the feeling of his body clamping so hard around my finger, his whole body convulsing, this was more then enough to set me off. It felt like I was shooting into his mouth forever, knowing that I had been the person making him cum so hard was such a massive turn on for me. I wasn’t prepared for it, but I liked it all the same. When we had both calmed down a little I pulled my finger gently out of him, but still making him groan a little.

We lay back, returning to what was already becoming our familiar position of me holding him tight.

“Morning Jake.”

“Fuck.”

“So this is a good thing, right?”

“Fuck!”

I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him even tighter against me.

“How did you do that? That was… fuck.”

“Beginner’s luck?”

Jake laughed.

“No way, but you know, if you ever want some more practice, that’d be cool.”

“I’d probably be OK with that too.”

We just lay there in silence for a few minutes, it was a happy, contented, comfortable sort of silence. The sort of silence that tries to keep the outside world away, insulating you from everything else.

“Kaiden? You hungry?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Cool, I’m starving, lets get up and have breakfast.”

“OK.”

Neither of us moved for another five minutes, but eventually breakfast beat bed, which is a significant achievement. As we were getting dressed, with me only having the clothes I went out in last night, I felt ever so slightly slutty. Oh well, the feeling passed. Jake sorted us out with way too much toast, cereal and orange juice.

“Wait here, I’ll go get us coffee.”

With that, he disappeared down to the shop, which was already open. I was sitting at the table eating yet more toast when the nightmare I hadn’t actually had came true, and Jakes Dad walked in. Shit.

“Oh, Hi, Kaiden isn’t it?”

“Yeah, erm.. Hi.”

“Don’t mind me, I’m just getting coffee.”

He proceeded to make a mug of instant coffee, which was just too weird for words. The guy literally owns a coffee shop, and he’s stood there making instant.

“You guys have fun last night?”

‘Of course we fucking did, I stayed over and your son and me sucked each other off, twice! It was fucking amazing. Oh, wait, you probably don’t want to know that do you? You mean going out don’t you. Did we have fun - when we went to the fair. Idiot.’

“Yeah, thanks, had a great time.”

‘Probably don’t mention how Jake got really sick. Where the fuck is he?’

And with that, I heard him coming up the stairs and the appeared a moment later carrying coffee, a latte for me and americano for him. He didn’t seem at all surprised, or concerned, that his dad was there, talking to me. Although I suppose it wasn’t much of a surprise, he does live there.

“Hey Dad.”

“Jake.”

“You want some breakfast?”

‘What? No. No, he doesn’t want any breakfast, surely!’

“No, I already ate. Besides, I’ll leave you boys to yourselves.”

His Dad left, with his instant coffee, and Jake sat down, looking at me, knowing I had something to say.

“He drinks instant coffee? Seriously?”

Jake laughed, proper laughed.

“Yeah, he actually doesn’t like the stuff we sell in the shop. Don’t ask me, he’s a bit weird.”

After breakfast we went back to Jake’s room, and he tried to explain about some of the different guitars, again.

“And that one, what’s that one?” I said, pointing to something that looked far too complicated to be called a guitar.

“Oh, that’s a twelve string electric, it’s basically just the same as a normal acoustic, but harder to play. I’m still learning that one, you wanna hear something?”

“Sure.”

I sat on the bed and watched as Jake plugged stuff in and sat on a chair, tuning or something. He the proceeded to blow my whole world away. I didn’t recognise the tune, but that hardly mattered, he later told me it was called ‘Eight Miles High’. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that feeling, of not quite being able to believe what you can see right in front of you. Like, how can one guy seriously me making all that music? Jake claimed it was only ‘OK’, but to me, it was just impossibly incredible. My own little private concert.

“So I guess you really like playing guitar then?”

“Er… yeah, I guess I do. Although really I play piano. And sing of course.”

“Fuck, so you’re like some sort of genius?”

“Ha ha ha, well… I just like playing music.”

I was aware that he didn’t actually say ‘no’. From what I’d already heard from him he was definitely very talented, and I got the impression that there was so much more.

“Do you play anything?”

“Me? God no, not music anyway. I play sports, you know, like, all of them.”

“Yeah, of course, the great Kay Walker. I’ve seen the trophies.”

I grunted dismissive without really meaning to, I know he wasn’t trying to annoy me. But I didn’t really want to be *that* version of me when I was with him.

“Kaiden?”

“It’s just, you make me forget about being ‘Kay Walker’, and I like it like that. ‘Kay’ is a big fake, I like being Kaiden, with you, a lot more, you make me a lot happier than ‘Kay’ does.”

“That’s cool, I like Kaiden a lot better anyway.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, besides, I heard that ‘Kay’ is actually a bit of an ass.”

It took me a second to realise that he was joking, taking the piss out of me a little bit, but when I did I retaliated with the deadliest force known to man. Tickling. Which rapidly turned into us kissing, which was fine by me. In what seemed like not enough time at all I had to head home, having told Mum I’d be home at 11 I was already going to be late. I reluctantly left Jake and arrived home by twenty past.

“Hi Kay, you have a good time?”

“Yeah Mum, it’s all sorted, we’re good.”

‘And I sucked cock, and got sucked, and liked it!’ Which remained in my head, not out loud, obviously.

“So he’s coming next weekend?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“OK…”

I knew full well what that ‘OK’ meant, or rather, what the tone of it meant. It meant ‘are you sure?’. Concerned rather than critical.

“I don’t know exactly how it’s going to work yet, but it will, and even if it’s awful, I’ll be OK.”

“Why would it be awful?”

“Because not everyone is like you Mum.”

I gave her a hug and went up to my room.