All About Jake - 6. The Bell Tolls

You’d think it would be something exciting, right? Something to look forward to, to anticipate, maybe even become impatient for. My 18th birthday was literally days away, along with the big party to go with, to which basically everyone would be going. The day when finally, the last remnants of the things I’ve been doing anyway but are still not strictly legal become properly legal, and so potentially a bit less interesting. The weekend just gone with Jake was the most amazing time, and now by Wednesday I’m feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, drained, and sick. I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep properly, my concentration span is about as long as my short term memory at the moment, which is currently averaging around fifteen seconds, and literally everyone is annoying me.

“So do you think maybe you’re stressed?”

“Of course I’m fucking stressed! Have you not been listening to anything?”

I’d unofficially stopped seeing Scott for therapy because I was feeling much better, which yes, I know, is maybe the worst reason. But I’d called him Tuesday night and asked if I could go in and see him on Wednesday. We talked it through a lot of times, over and over again, or so it seemed, until I came to the conclusion that I already sort of knew but didn’t want to admit. I was scared as hell about what people will do and say when I tell them I’m gay.

To everyone else, I was trying to carry on with my usual ‘yes, sure, everything is fine, isn’t the party going to be great’ kind of responses. Mum and Dad, and Josh, and Jake, especially Jake, they didn’t believe it for a second I’m sure, but they didn’t make it better either. They tried, I don’t want to make it sound like they just stood around watching my growing despair, but it didn’t work. Maybe it wasn’t possible.

Thursday afternoon I was sat, as usual, in the coffee shop. It still felt ever so slightly weird, sitting in the shop when Jake was working, like I was sort of stalking him, even though he was properly my boyfriend and everything. I didn’t have to pay for coffee any more, which also felt a bit awkward but Jake was clear on this, it would be weirder for him to take my money. He came over and sat with me for a few minutes when it was quiet. I liked that, it reminded me of the first time that happened, weeks ago now, which isn’t all that long, but it felt like a lifetime ago.

“So, you still OK with this Kaiden?”

“Yeah, of course, why?”

Jake’s hand resting on my thigh was more than enough to lower the feeble barrier of OK-ness I was desperately clinging on to.

“I’m terrified Jake, I keep thinking that maybe I’m being stupid, rushing things, making things worse. I mean, no, not worse, not like you make things worse, I don’t mean that. Not at all.”

“Are you rushing things? Am I doing that? Honestly, if you want to change your mind, I get it.”

“What?”

“I mean, if you don’t want me there, or you don’t want to tell people, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“No. Don’t do that, don’t give me those easy but stupid options because I don’t really want to take them. I just don’t want to do it, at all.”

Oh god how I hated that sad look in his eyes.

“Jake, no, not like that. I don’t want to do it, but I know I have to, if I ever want to have a slightly normal life. And you. You have to be in it. So I have to do it. I just want it to be over already. So I know what I have to deal with after.”

“We.”

“What?”

“What we will deal with after. I can’t make this all better Kaiden, I would, I’d do anything if it would help. But after, whatever happens, we will deal with it.”

“Yeah, I know, thanks.”

Maybe he’ll just smile at everyone and that will be enough to make it all OK. I could believe that was possible. It made me feel a bit better anyway. Or at least forget about all the crap in my head for few minutes, and that was good enough.

Friday was my last ditch effort to smooth the way for the Saturday hell-a-thon that everyone else was calling a party. There still seemed to be very few things I could do to reduce the casualty rate and collateral damage, but that had to be better than nothing. I know, I talk about it to myself as if it’s a war, it kind of felt like it might be. And I needed allies. Mum and Dad would be around, and I know that they’ll be there for me if I need them to be, and they’re fully on board with the whole me having a boyfriend thing. Likewise with Josh, he’s a bit annoying some times but on this, he’s all good. I’d asked Jake to come over Friday evening for dinner, like an unofficial birthday celebration with the just a few of us. In my head I wanted to at least have one nice memory of my birthday, though I hadn’t shared that thought with anyone else. I’d also invited someone else, the last piece of my small but hopefully strong defence force. Sarah. She’s my oldest friend in the world, and she still hadn’t met Jake, which I wanted to be over with before Saturday. There would maybe be enough drama without adding to it unnecessarily.

Jake was up in my room with me, we were just hanging out really, listening to music which Jake was patiently trying to educate me in, if for no other reason than to move my taste along a bit I think. I heard Sarah walk in downstairs without ringing the doorbell and launch straight in to conversation with my parents. This wasn’t unusual, she’d been to my house probably thousands of times. I sometimes wondered if my parents ever thought of her as the daughter they never had. It’s not an image that suits Sarah, but you know, it passes through my head occasionally. I could hear her walking upstairs, and I watched through my open door as she reached the landing and headed towards me, towards us. Wow I was nervous. This was, after all, my first ever time doing this. She stood just inside my doorway, dropping her bag on the floor as if this might actually be her room.

“Hi Kay.”

“Sarah…”

I stood up, feeling awkward and fumbling.

“So, Sarah, this is Jake Connors. My boyfriend.”

Jake, as ever, was just amazing. He was stood right next to me before I knew it, his arm lightly around my waist, squeezing me just enough so I knew he was there, whilst he smiled at Sarah.

“Hey Sarah, I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s great to meet you.”

Sarah uncharacteristically went for shaking hands, but Jake ignored that and gave her a hug, a master move if ever I’ve seen one. Sarah looked past his shoulder to me.

“Jesus Kay! He’s solid!”

“I know, now let go of him and try and behave like a normal person, I haven’t told him how weird you really are.”

It felt as though the tension was broken almost instantly, even though I might have been the only person feeling it in the first place. We were soon talking like normal people, in a normal situation, which was a pretty good feeling. Sarah, of course, was actually doing most of the talking, having about three hundred questions for Jake, which he seemed to be inexhaustibly engaging with. A bit of my brain was enjoying the fantasy that things had always been like this. Before too long we were all sat downstairs eating, and it really did feel like we did this all the time. Which was nearly true, Sarah had been sat at that table eating with us hundreds of times, but now with Jake here too, it was, well kind of perfect. OK, not perfect, but you know, really great. Sarah has always talked a lot, even more than Josh, which is magnified because he also talks a lot less when she is around. I think he has a bit of a crush on her, but he won’t admit it. Inevitably enough, Jake got on to talking about music as he was answering yet another of Sarah’s or my Mum’s questions. They were quite a formidable pairing, each spurring the other on, but I knew Jake would be OK.

“So you play, right?” asked Sarah

“Oh, you know, just a bit.” So ridiculously modest.

“Cool, you should play something after dinner, I want to hear you.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to Sarah.” I knew as I was saying it that I was being too defensive, Jake could manage perfectly well on his own, but I didn’t want him to feel pressured in to doing stuff.

“No, it’s cool.” He then turned to my Mum. “I noticed you have an electric piano in the other room, do you play Michelle?”

Flawlessly remembering her name, and I suspect cementing his place as the nicest boy she’s ever met.

“Me? Oh no, not any more, but feel free if you want to.”

The conversation moved on, although there were no fewer questions. After dinner I was hoping that Sarah would go home and Jake and I could have a quiet evening together. I definitely needed to prepare. But no-one else seemed to be aware of this. Despite having left the conversation behind us almost an hour before, Sarah picked it up again.

“So Jake, will you play something for us?”

If I didn’t know better I’d say she was flirting.

“Sure, if you want.”

“What can you play?”

Even to me that seemed like a pretty broad question. Jake was already scanning the shelves of CD’s next to where he was now sitting at the piano.

“Whatever you want I guess, you know, more or less. How about this?”

Jake started to play A Whole New World, which whilst being kind of impressive obviously wasn't what Sarah was expecting.

“Do you know anything else?”

“Sure, but you didn’t pick anything so that was just the first thing that came to mind.”

I stood back slightly, enjoying the show. That was about the least Jake-like music I’d ever heard, he was holding back a lot, playing with her. I tried really hard not to smile too much. Jake started to play again, a longer than necessary introduction to Wrecking Ball, which he also sang fucking perfectly, even if it is a super cheesy song. And that was it, I could see it, Jake was doing his thing, and enjoying it. He spent the next twenty minutes or more playing and singing, mostly current pop stuff, but also including that bloody Aerosmith song which Mum loved, and some more of the ‘serious’ stuff I’d heard from him before, and finished with some All Of Me. It was great being able to watch everyone else see just how talented my boyfriend is.

“Play something else, please Jake!”

“Nah, I’m, all done, besides, it’s Kaiden’s birthday, this isn’t about me.”

I took the opportunity to pull Jake away from the piano, which effectively brought the night to a sort of end. As Sarah was getting her stuff together to go home I went upstairs to find her. Jake stayed downstairs, I suspect knowing that Sarah would want to talk to me alone. About him.

“So what do you think? To Jake?”

“Kay, he’s amazing! Isn’t he amazing? And wow, those arms, have you seen those arms? Of course you have, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I think he’s amazing Sarah.”

“Yeah he is! Are you sure he’s gay? I think he should be my boyfriend instead.”

“I’m sure, so keep your hands off him.”

I know I was smiling, and Sarah noticed.

“He makes you really happy Kay, you know, properly happy. I hadn’t realised how long it has been since I saw that. I like it.”

“I like it too, a lot.”

“So are you ready for tomorrow? I still don’t understand what you’re going to do.“

“No, I’m not sure yet either. But I’m definitely ready.”

She gave me a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Not long after I decided that I was actually pretty tired and wanted an early night, so Jake and I headed upstairs. Of course, we might have been early in going to my bedroom, but that didn’t necessarily mean we were early going to sleep. And no, not for the reason you might imagine. It was already a surreal experience, going up to bed, at home, with Jake. And as much as he is, without question, the sexiest guy I've ever met, my head wasn't in the right place for anything sexual. No, I was too consumed with a near paralysing mix of fear; about how it would go when I actually told people; how they would react; but more than anything, a terrible sense that I was somehow going to get it all so wrong and end up losing Jake. Logically, I could understand that this didn't seem at all likely, but logic doesn't always win the battle for dominance within me. So as we lay in bed together, all I really wanted to do was hold on to him so tightly, so that when I ended up losing him I'd at least have that memory. It seemed that Jake understood at least some of how I was feeling, his arms over my own, pulling us even closer together. Sleep was elusive and after a few minutes Jake turned over so that he was facing me.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah Jake, I know.”

There was silence.

“I love you too.”

Jake smiled, which made the world just a little bit better, and laid his head on my chest.

“We’ll be OK. I know you might not believe it right now, but we will.”

I could feel his voice resonating through my chest, like he was inside me.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I'll be here, no matter what. And you'll be here. Your parents are cool, Josh is cool, even Sarah is cool. And everyone else, well, they're optional extras. They don't get to change what's inside you, or how you feel, only you can do that.”

“Jake, that sounds like total bollocks to me, but OK, I'll take it for now and try to believe you.”

I could feel him smiling again, which made me happy. I don't remember falling asleep, or waking in the night as I often do, or dreaming. As far as I can tell the next thing that happened was Josh banging on my bedroom door telling me to get up for breakfast. I turned to look at the clock and was met with Jake, just laying there, looking at me.

“Have you been watching me sleep? That's creepy you know?”

“I might have. So apparently it's time for breakfast.”

“What time is it really?”

“Just after ten.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, I don't think we have time for that.”

My head was already filling with all disaster ridden outcomes for the day, slowly, no, not even slowly, just weighing me down, so that I was drowning in my own social demise.

“Look at me Kaiden.”

“What? Sorry, I was just thinking…”

“Yeah, I noticed. Now I mean it, look at me.”

I sat up in bed, so what we were now face to face, and looked at Jake. He was truly beautiful, all over, but my eyes always seemed to come back to his. He has these green eyes which are deeper than the sea. Dark green in a way that I don't remember seeing anywhere else.

“I'm going to be right here, by your side. It will be OK. We’ll be OK.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks for doing this.”

Then he kissed me, making my skin tingle all over as his hands moved from my face and caressed my body. I relished his touch, but also knew that we couldn’t get caught up in that moment, more important things were pulling at my attention. Mostly - breakfast. There was even more too many croissants than usual. Apparently Mum imagined that Jake ate about three times what a normal person eats, not that anyone was complaining. Again there was such a sense of normality that I could have almost forgotten that this was the first time Jake had been sat there next to me eating breakfast, like he was just part of the family.

Later there were a few last-minute shopping and tidying things to do in preparation for the party. Dad was sent off to buy the final round of drinks and snacks, even though there was almost certainly enough in the house already. My Mum has a tendency to over-cater at every opportunity. And because my parents are actually pretty cool there was a good selection of alcohol too. Josh was finishing the task of moving anything particularly fragile and/or valuable out of harm’s way. Not that things were at all likely to get out of hand but if the weather didn’t hold then there would be a lot of people inside. After what was most definitely a knowing look between my Mum and Jake, Jake took me upstairs ‘to sort out some music’. It wasn’t a big job, and it definitely wasn’t going to take both of us, but presumably they both figured that I needed something take up some of the nervous energy I knew I was exuding. And of course, I didn’t actually want Jake out of my sight, and preferably not even out of reach. He was my safety blanket for the day.

Far sooner than I was ready for it was a quarter past six and we needed to get changed, people would be turning up from seven probably. We were stood in the safety of my bedroom, a sanctuary I was already planning on being able to escape to later if I needed too. Not totally naked, but also not dressed, we were in just our boxers and enjoying a real kiss, our hands exploring and our bodies trying hard to merge into one being.

“Kaiden?”

Jakes lips were on my neck, making me moan, albeit quietly because I was very aware that Josh was in his room next to us. I knew I’d locked the door, a new habit I was already embracing, but he could still hear us.

“Yeah”

“I really want to give you a massive love bite.”

I could feel his teeth grazing my skin, not enough to leave a mark, but most definitely enough to send a tingle shooting down my spine.

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

But he must have felt it as my body betrayed me, throbbing against him at the thought.

“What…” he said, kissing my neck.

“If…” he kissed my chest, hand sliding down to my waist.

“I did…” kissing lower, bending down.

“This…” his tongue flicked into my belly button, causing yet more moaning, and most definite bulging to occur. Not that I was the only one with that particular reaction. My hands moved to his head, my fingers is his permanently slightly messy hair. I’m pretty sure I could hear a feint growl coming from him.

“Instead…” on his knees in front of me, kissing over my abs, and getting a face full of my bulging boxers.

“Jake… seriously, we need to get dressed.”

“Uh-huh, sure” his hands were squeezing my arse, but that was hardly the top of my list of things to notice as his mouth was around my very hard boxers covered bulge.

I did’t really offer any protest as his pulled my boxers down and took hold of me. I looked down to meet his eyes, and then watched as he swallowed me whole. I watched, and moaned like hell, catching myself quickly and trying to be quiet, but that was somewhat difficult. I tried to talk, to tell him to stop, we didn’t have time. But he was clearly on a mission, and I wasn’t really struggling to get away. I held on to his head as he sucked me deep, hard, and fast, and I was thrusting into him just as urgently. As he started to play with my balls, gently squeezing and rubbing them, I lost my battle with keeping quiet and let out a loud deep moan, like it just erupted from within me, outside of my control. This just seemed to encourage him more. It was weird, five minutes ago I hadn’t been thinking about sex at all, and yet it was all that was in my head by then. Not that I was really even thinking about it, it was more instinctive. I realised that I had been looking up at the ceiling, I don’t know how long for. Turning my attention back to Jake, I looked down and was rewarded with a mega power trip, watching him, feeling him, his head in my hands, his eyes looking up towards mine. Fuck that was hot. Really hot. Fucking his face whilst grabbing his hair, hearing him almost gagging and moaning.

“Oh Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!”

It wasn’t eloquent, or romantic, but I wasn’t in a place to worry about that as I blasted into his mouth, watching as he swallowed. Without really thinking about it I pulled him up and kissed him hard. Tasting myself still in his mouth was massively horny. Jake’s boxers were pushed down and he was stroking himself fast as I pulled him against my body. I ran my fingers over his arse and didn’t take it slowly in pushing against his hole. I knew how he got last time I did that, and wasn’t in any way disappointed this time either. His left hand was on my shoulder and gripping me hard. I felt his body enveloping my finger, hot and tight, and a second later he was moaning into my mouth as I felt him shooting between us. As soon as he he’d recovered enough to know what his own name was, I pulled him down with me onto my bed, where we lay, still holding on to each other, each drifting slightly into that zone of not sleep but not awake. After a few seconds I had the feeling of waking up suddenly, and realised that I had been asleep.

“Relax, we still have plenty of time, at least twenty minutes.”

“Fuck Jake, that was… what was that?”

“It was how I feel about you, and also, maybe just a tiny bit of a reminder, so that you can remember why we’re doing this.”

I could tell he wasn’t being totally serious.

“So basically a bribe? You’re bribing me with sex now?”

“Well, maybe, a little bit.”

“OK, cool, I just wanted to make sure I was on the same wavelength.”

Jake lay his head on my chest and I held him tight. But time wouldn’t play fair, so we had to actually get up and get dressed.

Everything was set, the music was playing, and good music too, because Jake had ended up choosing it earlier whilst I sat around feeling sorry for myself. There was enough food for about three hundred people, even though there was only likely to be fifty or sixty. And enough drinks to stock a bar for a week. Josh had clearly gone all out, presumably to impress Sarah. To be fair, he looked good, but there’s no way Sarah was ever going to be interested in him. Was there? For a moment I got caught up in that nightmare fantasy, but no, there was no way Sarah would date Josh. But I must tell her that, you know, to be certain. Jake looked like an Abercrombie model in his arse enhancing jeans and tight white really short sleeved top. You could see much more of his tattoos and the fabric clung to him in a way that made me wonder if he had actually spayed on the T-shirt. He hadn’t, because I’d watched the sad moment of his body being covered up just a few minutes earlier. Most people would wear those and look totally average, but on him, just, fucking wow. I’m sure I even caught my Mum looking at him slightly wide eyed. I, in my subconscious effort to disappear, had opted for a far more understated look. But unless I could actually make myself invisible then I was going to be getting a lot of attention, it was still my party. Mum and dad were around, but keeping discreetly distant. Sarah had already arrived and was stood in the kitchen. As was Josh. Yeah I really had to talk to her about that. But I didn’t have time to process that thought any further, because then, the bell tolled, like a death-knell. OK, maybe not quite, but the doorbell rang. I looked to Jake, just to make sure he was still there. He was, of course. I briefly considered just not answering it, but Jake squeezed my hand and I knew that I could do this.

Opening the door, my heart was threatening to either actually break out of my chest, or otherwise just sink into my stomach, presumably causing significant internal injury as it did so. It was approximately half of the rugby team, both the best and worst option. They were amongst the people I was most nervous about telling, but also, they were mostly not lifelong friend types, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing when they all freaked out and left. I’d been considering this a lot. And for everyone I knew, not just them. Playing out all the different scenarios for how people will react, and how I will feel and deal with it. It mostly ended badly in my head. And when I say mostly, I mean always. They didn’t so much burst in as dissolve on one side of the doorway and reform as a group on the other, almost surrounding me. There were the usual fist bumps, bro-hugs, “Happy Birthday!”’s and general congratulations type things. Several people had brought drinks, a couple of cards, and more drinks in the guise of presents. I was aware of Jake’s location the whole time, standing just behind me to my left. And then it was time. We’d reached the inevitable momentary lull, where I was going to say something, or not, before they all moved towards the rest of the house. My eyes flicked to Jake, one final check that he was still there, even though I knew he was.

“So guys, there’s someone you should meet.”

I don’t know what the collective look from them was, quizzical seems to imply a degree of cognition that probably wasn’t there. They’re basically jocks after all. Curiosity maybe. I half turned towards where he had been standing, and he was already next to me, looking just so fucking incredible.

“This is Jake…” and already there were greetings, ‘hey’ and ‘hi’ and things like that.

“He’s…” oh god, really, was I going to do it? I thought I was. All of my recent stress and terror had been sourced from and directed by the idea that I was. But when it came down to it, I didn’t know if I could. I looked at Jake, and he was looking at me. My head filled with my lonely and unhappy future if I backed out of my promise to myself. I knew I did’t want that kind of future. It wasn’t even half a second, so probably no-one at all noticed, but Jake gave me a look, a smile, and I knew, for sure, what it meant.

“So yeah, he’s…” I pulled his arm towards me, around my waist. I needed to feel him, and I could. His strength, and I don’t mean metaphorically, his very real strength was literally supporting me.

“He’s my boyfriend.”

The music stopped, all talking stopped, people even stopped moving. No, of course not really. But there was a distinct pause in conversations as I looked towards the group of them, wondering what was about to happen. I could see them processing this new information, exchanging looks with each other as they tried to make sense of it. Looking to me, maybe hoping it was going to be a joke or something. It wasn’t really that long, but it felt like an eternity. Eventually time was re-started by Mikey-D, I don’t even know why we call him that, his actual name is Martin, but that’s been his name for years now. He’s about the scrawniest guy you could ever meet, but he’s super fast on the pitch.

“Well that’s really cool Kay, you seem really happy, so it’s good to meet you Jake. Right guys?”

He gave Jake a fist bump, which was funny because Jake is totally not that kind of guy, but it was cool anyway. There was less committal tone of ‘yeah yeah what-the-fuck just happened?’ and then Sarah was there, being suspiciously flirtatious as she pointed the guys towards the beer. As they all moved off I could already see a group of girls heading towards the house, perhaps only a minute or so away. I turned to Jake. But before we could speak one of the guys had come back and was stood next to us.

“So you’re like, seriously gay? Like, for real?”

I did my best to smile, nodding my head as I looked first to Jake, and then over to Mckenzie.

“Yeah Mac, totally am.”

“OK.”

He followed the other guys, rubbing his head slightly like a cartoon bear trying to think really hard about something. Jake’s arm was still around me.

“You OK?”

“Yeah, actually, I think I am.” Which was both true and surprising.

“Cool.”

He gave me the briefest kiss, and for the first time ever I genuinely didn’t care who saw it. In fact, I wanted people to see it. He was my boyfriend. He’s my fucking boyfriend! It was like a revelation.

This played out a lot of times over the next hour or so. Different every time, obviously, but broadly along the same lines. I’m sure I didn’t actually tell some people because I didn’t even get to talk to everyone as they arrived, but obviously news travelled pretty fast in such a small space. And amazingly, like, actually I’m amazed by this, no-one left.

Of course, there were questions. Lots of questions. More from girls than guys, but still, after fifteen minutes of talking about it, it started to feel pretty normal. By far the most awkward was from Ted (real name Edward-Charles, but he decided a long time ago that Ted was ‘more manly’).

“So how long have you been gay?”

“I dunno, a long time I guess, maybe forever Ted, it’s not like you get a certificate with a date on it.”

I was getting a little bit drunk.

“So like, have you been looking at us in the changing room?”

I was expecting this, or something like it. In truth, the answer was both yes and no. I mean, literally, yeah of course I had been looking, else I’d fall over a lot. And yes, of course I’ve been looking because they’re a pretty fit bunch of guys getting naked. But also no, because there’s no way I could ever imagine doing anything ‘gay’ with any of them. OK, so not seriously imagine, maybe just an occasional fantasy. Steven Goode can never know the things I’ve done to him in my head. Despite my huge amount of pre-thinking, I didn’t have any clue as to how I was actually going to manage it, but sometimes I think that’s best.

“The thing is Ted, you might be fit, and maybe even a bit pretty.” He wasn’t actually pretty at all.

“But until you look like this, there’s no way I’m ever going to give you a second thought.”

I looked to Jake and kissed him on the cheek. Ted wandered off, I think both relieved and mildly offended, but he wasn’t certain why.

“So now I’m basically just here for my looks?” Jake asked me, smiling as ever.

“Totally. Wow, did you think there was anything else? Jeez… Awkward!”

Jake jabbed his fingers into my ribs tickling me, so it was a good job he was basically supporting most of my bodyweight as I neared collapse. People soon realised that they actually sort of knew Jake, and so they had questions for him too, but mostly it was all OK. What annoyed me most was how some people forgot what normal social boundaries are, and ask massively inappropriate things. Like, ‘which of you is the girl?’. Ugh. How fucking ridiculous is that question, really? Do you mean that you think one of us is actually a girl? No. Do you mean which of us does the ‘girl’ stuff in a relationship - you sexist gender-stereotyping idiot? Or do you just mean who fucks who in the arse? Are you seriously asking me that? Do you *actually* want to know the answer? Even though of course the answer is neither of us, so far. I also saw more than a couple of people asking Josh if he was ‘OK with it’. Whatever that means. I don’t know why, but it was kind of amazing to see him telling people very clearly that of course he was, and that Jake was a really cool guy. Sarah was also inevitably quizzed, and I know she let people have the impression that she had known for ages, which was a bit of an exaggeration but that’s her business to manage I guess.

After two or three hours most of the obviously stupid questions had stopped, and we were talking to people just like any other couple. And people were being OK with Jake, and talking with him and just treating him normally, which I was really pleased about. Not that I thought he couldn’t handle it, but I didn’t want this to be any more difficult for him than I had probably already made it. It was such a good feeling to be able to slouch on a sofa with Jake sitting on the armrest next to me, with his arm around me, or cuddling in to me. As I got a little more drunk my last bits of paranoia evaporated (or were just drowned by the alcohol) so there were more than a couple of times where I ended up just properly kissing Jake, not thinking about my friends, or my brother, or even my parents seeing us. To be honest, the sense of relief was huge, far bigger than I had ever imagined.

Around midnight a few people headed off, going on somewhere else I’m sure. There were plenty of plans floating around, but I wasn’t intending on doing anything like that so I didn’t pay loads of attention. By half past one in the morning there was definite feeling that it was time for the party to end, which it was doing as people steadily left. Soon enough I was sat in the lounge, well more slouched than sat, with Jake leaning in close to me, my arm around him, keeping him close. Josh was in one of the armchairs looking suspiciously wasted, Mum came through from the kitchen to survey the remaining clean-up job. Actually it wasn’t too bad at all.

“So it seemed to go OK then Kay? Everyone seemed to have a good time.”

“Yeah Mum, its was great, thank you.”

“And you, how are you doing?”

I squeezed Jake.

“I’m doing great.”

“Good. You should go to bed though, you both look tired. Me and your dad are going up, we can deal with the rest of the house in the morning.”

Tired was an understatement, I was feeling properly exhausted, but not particularly from the party, it was more of a just inside me feeling. Josh got up from the chair to go to bed, and managed about two steps before slow-motion falling down until he was just laying on the floor. We didn’t laugh too hard. Jake helped me pull him upright and we jointly nudged him into the kitchen where I got him plenty of water. Getting him upstairs was much trickier, and I seriously considered just leaving him on the sofa, but that didn’t seem very grateful of me. It took us about fifteen minutes, but finally we pushed him over so he was laying on his bed and left him. He waved us away telling us how he was a just going wait a minute and then get up and go to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Jake and I managed to do this, separately, and he still hadn’t moved. But he was still conscious so I left him to it, closing the door, once again leaving just the two of us in my room.

I must have been both more drunk and more tired than I thought, because I don’t remember getting undressed, or getting in to bed, or kissing Jake goodnight. Or the alarm going off. Or Jake getting up. Or Jake leaving the room. All I was aware of was waking up and being alone. It took maybe a full minute for me to fully come to the realisation, and then about a thousandth of a second for the panic to set in. I knew it was full on daytime, the sunlight behind the curtains was obvious, but I wasn’t expecting it to be two in the afternoon. However, the clock knew better. There was no sign of Jake, no note - I don’t know why I thought there would be a note, its just the sort of thing that seems to happen in films and stuff. My heart was racing, by the time I’d pulled on some boxers I was convinced that Jake had realised this was too much to take on. Sure, he’d stayed for the party, he wasn’t a bad guy, but he must have realised that after all that, I probably wasn’t really worth the effort. Fuck. The house seemed quiet as I ran downstairs and straight into the kitchen. It was empty. Oh god it was actually true. Turning around I ran into the lounge, Dad was watching TV. I looked out into the garden, nothing. Back through the kitchen and into the utility areas, Mum was in there, alone. Proper fuck. I ran back upstairs, checking Mum and Dad’s bedroom, although why the hell I thought Jake would be there I don’t know, and then Josh’s room. Josh was laying on a beanbag not paying attention to a video game. Standing once more on the landing, I was definitely close to losing it totally when Jake walked out of the bathroom in just his boxers, looking fucking stunning actually, and still drying himself with a towel.

“Hey, you’re up.”

I felt ridiculously stupid for the panic I had plunged myself into just moments ago. Yet still also very relieved that Jake was here. Even though I knew it was stupid.

“Yeah, only just.”

I followed Jake into my room, marvelling at the fact that that was actually happening at all, and closing and locking the door behind us. I can’t explain why, I still don’t fully understand it, but I knew that I felt different. It made no sense, but now that everyone knew about me, about us, and world hadn’t collapsed around us, something within me had changed. I pulled Jake towards me and kissed him hard. I had the weirdest feeling that we’d never really done this before. Not *really*, not properly. Pushing my tongue into his mouth, feeling him licking against me as I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his shoulders and up and down his back.

“Jesus Kaiden, are you pleased to see me or something?”

I’m going to have to find a way to bottle that smile of his and sell it, I’ll make a freakin’ fortune. I slipped my hands inside his boxers and squeezed his arse, pulling us together, my most definitely hard cock grinding against him. He was rapidly getting as excited as I was. I pushed down his boxers as well as my own and wasted no time in getting hold oh his balls, loving how that made him moan and his eyes go that little bit wide. We staggered like that over to my bed, Jake going backwards being guided by me. It was hardly far, only a few steps, and he lay back with me on top of him. Yeah, that was definitely how things should be forever. I moved my mouth along his jaw and down onto his neck, eliciting a whole new sort of moaning from Jake. I was remembering what Jake was saying to me the day before, and I knew exactly what he meant. I really wanted to bite him. My teeth grazing over his beautifully soft smooth skin, making him moan out and thrust up against me every time I did it. So I did it a few times, obviously. I can’t pretend it was instinctive, because I deliberately moved to the bottom of his neck, but I did start to bite him a bit harder, loving the responses I was getting from him, knowing it was me doing it. And then I did it properly, knowing it was a little bit mean maybe, because he was definitely going to have a massive hickey, but I’m not sure I could help myself. Jake responded - loudly.

“Awwwwwwwww Kaiden!”

He might have sounded a little bit pissed off with me, but the way his legs wrapped around me and squeezed me tight, I don’t think he was. A moment later I heard Josh turn some music on, maybe we were being a bit too loud. I could feel Jake breathing heavily as I moved down his chest, kissing all the way to his nipple, which I licked and nibbled at. I checked the other one too, you know, for science. They were both hard and lots of fun for me to play with. Apparently Jake liked it enough too. Moving lower, down his chest, over his abs, all wonderful territory to explore. Licking and kissing my way lower, narrowly avoiding his leaking cock, pushing his legs apart so that I could end up at his balls. Jake pulled his legs up and back a little making it easier for me to suck and lick his balls. His moaning was intoxicating, driving me on and on. And of course, turning me on so fucking much. After a few minutes I licked all the way up, right along his cock, over the head, before swallowing most of it. As much I enjoyed sucking Jake, and hearing him get so turned on, I knew it wasn’t going to be enough, or at least, not what I wanted. Not that I could be at all confident of my decision making. I know enough about myself that when I get that horny, I stop making ‘sensible’ decisions.

After several minutes of tasting his cock I pulled off of it and pushed him even further back, exposing all of his very sexy ass to me, and licked right along it. The gasp from Jake was all the encouragement I needed, licking right over his hole, again and again, each time sending him just a little bit crazier. As with pretty much all of my sexual experience, this was something that internet porn had given me plenty of theoretical experience of, and the reality was even better than I had imagined, not gross at all. And the noises coming from Jake when I pushed my tongue inside, well, that was just plain fucking horny. Just not quite as much so as watching my finger disappear into him, feeling him hot and tight all around it, and hearing him, seeing him, enjoying it so much. Sliding my finger in and out, I was transfixed, until I decided to try two fingers and started to really get into it. Jake was going kind of crazy, in a good way, as I started to properly feel inside him. I didn’t realise what it was at first, but rubbing that bump inside of him really made him moan, squeezing even tighter around my fingers. Neither of us talking much, both lost to the pleasure. I know that I’ve never been harder in my whole life, and Jake looked to be just as turned on.

“Kaiden…”

“Yeah?”

“You really need to fuck me.”

“God Jake, I really want to… It’s just, I didn’t think this would happen today and, well I haven’t got a condom or anything…”

What a fucking idiot. I should have been better prepared, but at least I knew that we both wanted this.

“My bag…”

Jake was still kind of moaning and breathless.

“What?”

“In my bag, over there.”

I pulled my fingers out of him, probably a bit too fast because he groaned as I grabbed his bag and searched through it. There was a brand new box of condoms and bottle of lube. Dropping the bag I started to open the box. After probably thirty seconds we were both laughing at the fact that the box was so fucking hard to get out of the plastic wrap outer packaging, although the temporary pause was probably a good thing in a way. In the end I gave up and ripped the box open with my teeth, finally able to get a condom from inside. The lube was equally stupidly overly wrapped, but easier to open in the end. Yet more putting internet porn theory in to real life practice I applied plenty of lube both to Jake and to my by then covered cock.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“You ready?”

“Just try and go slow, OK?”

“OK”

I was already poking at him, and I was feeling both nervous and excited as I pushed forwards. I quickly understood how difficult it was going to be to ‘go slow’ because the feeling was so awesome as I moved inside him, and all I really wanted to do was shove it all in. Of course I didn’t want to hurt Jake, not that I’m endowed with any kind of ten inch monster, but I didn’t know how far I could go, so tried to keep it slow and steady. By the time I could go no further Jake looked just as incredibly horny and happy as I know I felt and we started to fuck. About the only bit of this I was prepared for was the growing sense that I wasn’t going to last very long. I mean, I’m having sex, for the first time ever, with my first ever boyfriend, who happened to also be unbelievably sexy and hot, and I’m totally in love with. What can you expect? I was definitely losing control, going harder and faster.

“Oh god Jake… I’m sorry… I’m gonna cum really soon.”

“Ohhhh fuck. Do it Kaiden.”

I mean, I was gonna anyway. I took hold of Jake and started wanking him fast, our collective moaning and grunting seemed to really speed up. I could feel it, less creeping up on me, more like a steam roller, kind of slow, but there was no way you could miss it. And not just starting in my balls like I was used to, I swear this started in my toes and my fingers, working its way into my whole body. My grip on Jake must have been borderline painful, my jaw clenched, my eyes locked on Jake as I stroked him even faster.

“Yeah Kaiden, fucking do it. You’re so fucking hot. Fuck me.”

Jake’s unusually explicit and kind of desperate tone definitely moved things even faster for me as I felt the beginning of the most intense orgasm ever. To say it was a roar would be exaggerating, but I was only capable of grunting and moaning as I stated to cum, and two hard thrusts later I felt Jake doing the same. Watching him cum all over his amazing body was the perfect ending, the two of us riding the collective waves of pleasure. When basic body functions like heart beat and breathing had started to return to normal I slid out of Jake and pulled off the condom, and he dragged me up towards him, kissing me as we held each other.

“Fuck.”

It was all I could find to say, and seemed to be entirely adequate.

“Yeah.”

And there we lay, Jake laying on my left, his head on my chest, his left hand holding my right arm with my left arm wrapped around him, finding our natural places with each other as I pulled the duvet over us.