Scene Change - 4. Chapter 4

Sunday breakfast was yet another routine for us, only this time it was somewhat easier for me as it meant we walked down the road to Georgio’s. My previous almost daily visits were now mostly a Sunday only thing, and Leon of course had totally usurped me as the centre of attention. We sat by the window as Georgio made a big fuss around Leon, and I watched the world go past outside. Deciding that this was as good a time as any, I interrupted a lengthy conversation with Leon about dinosaurs - a subject that he already knew more about than me by a long way, and asked him the question that I couldn’t avoid.

“Leon, you know Andre’s uncle, Joel?”

I got a nod, he was eating.

“Do you like him?”

He seemed to think this over for a second.

“Yes.”

One of the many things I love about Leon is his complete lack of censoring his responses. His look was one of ‘yes, but what a stupid question, why are you so weird Dad?’.

“Good, so, if I was friends with Joel, that would be OK?”

I know, I know, I don’t want to be friends with Joel, or at least not *just* friends, but it was a concept I knew he would understand. I’d learnt that playground politics of being friends with someone, or not, is a big part of being at school.

“Yes.”

This seemed positive, but I could see that he was still thinking. I think it’s pretty adorable the way he can’t quite think and eat at the same time.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Is Mum going to come and live with us?”

Of all the things I was prepared for, stupidly, this wasn’t one of them. We’ve briefly talked about her before, but Leon never really asked any questions and I was happy to leave it well alone I guess. Which serves me right, as that’s probably how we end up having this conversation now, in the middle of a cafe.

“No buddy, it’s just you and me.”

“OK.”

I waited for him to finish his mouthful of food before he carried on.

“But why don’t you live with other people? Mum always lived with other people.”

Yes, that’s because Mummy ended up a drug addict who wasn’t able to keep you safe.

“I guess maybe I might want to live with someone else as well as you one day, do you think that would be OK? Maybe someone like Joel?”

I thought this was as good a time as any to approach this, but felt stupid for not having a plan and mentioning Joel by name.

“Joel?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Hmm.”

His apparent indifference was reassuring, he doesn’t need to know everything right away. But there was still a problem. I’d effectively ruled out the major concern that was holding me back, so why wasn’t I feeling relieved?

We spent a very fun Sunday afternoon down at the beach, not that it was especially hot or even sunny, but the weather was nice enough and we just sort of hung out there. It was still not warm enough in the year to go into the sea, although I can’t wait for that time to come. If you’ve ever been to Brighton you’ll know that there’s also not much in the way of sand, but still, Leon and I played football, and I introduced him to frisbee which he though was brilliant. When I checked my phone I had a missed call from Joel and immediately felt bad because I knew I wasn’t going to call him back right away. Later on I felt the short vibrations of a message alert during bedtime stories with Leon, but managed to put off reading it until Leon was off to sleep. I’d only just sat down and he was calling me again. Seriously, what’s wrong with the guy? I thought about not answering, but chances were I’d be seeing him in a day or two anyway so avoidance seemed futile. I had, honestly, resolved to answer it this time, but my voicemail cut in as I picked up the phone, so I didn’t get chance. I could have called him back, obviously, but opted to message him instead.

‘Hey’

‘Hi - thought you were ignoring me ‘

‘Sry just been busy’

‘Oh OK’

There was a pause for thirty seconds or so, which gave me time to reflect on how ridiculous this was getting. Even messaging was becoming strained. My phone buzzed again.

‘Can we talk?’

‘Sure, what about?’

‘Can I come over?’

‘OK’

I was going to change my T-shirt but didn’t have time because within a minute the doorbell rang, he must have been right outside already. I opened the door and he followed me through to the lounge, waiting as I collected a couple of beers on the way. We sat on the sofa and I noted how we had basically recreated the moment from Saturday night, although my sofa was smaller so we were much closer. Joel broke the silence first.

“So I thought maybe we should talk… or at least I should.”

“Yeah, maybe. About what exactly?”

I both hoped and feared that I knew what, but nothing seemed that clear to me in the moment.

“Connor, the thing is, I want it to be me. The guy, the ‘maybe’ guy, I think it’s me, and if it’s not, I want it to be me anyway because whoever else it is is probably just not as amazing as I am.”

“Wow. OK.”

“OK? OK what?”

“OK.”

I needed a few seconds before I could formulate a proper response.

“I like you Joel, and you seem like a really great guy, but…”

“Ohhhh shit, I’ve got this all wrong haven’t I? I feel like a right...”

“Will you just shut up for a minute? It’s not like it used to be, I’ve got Leon now, and it’s a whole new thing. I don’t want him to get hurt or confused about what’s happening, so I need to take things very slow. His mother had a lot of people coming in and out of his life.”

“And you’re not sure? About the guy, or me, or whoever it is?”

“Of course it’s you.”

“Well that’s a good start.”

“Sorry, I just… what if it doesn’t work? I don’t want Leon getting hurt, or to make things weird, he and Andre and like best friends.”

“Connor, I get it. But we’re not talking about moving in together! We can just see how it goes, maybe start by having coffee, on our own.”

“And what if it doesn’t ‘go’? What if you realise you’ve made a stupid mistake?”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen. But so what if it does? I don’t think Leon is going to be scarred for life because you went on a couple of dates with a guy. Do you?”

“No, maybe not.”

“And I‘m not going to do anything to risk Andre’s happiness either. You’ve only just met Rachel, but trust me, I’m not going to piss her off!”

I put my hand on his leg, just above his knee. It was a subconscious move on my part, at least initially. He felt tight, like he was really well toned. At least that’s what I found myself imagining.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know why this feels weird and scary.”

“Connor, you’re worried, I get that, but you’re worrying about a possibility that’s weeks, maybe months in the future.”

“But I need to be certain.”

“There’s no guarantees Connor. We’re already in this, whatever happens now. I can promise you that I won’t deliberately make things difficult if this doesn’t go well. But I’d rather be focussed on right now, not you’re disaster zone imagined future.”

Joel didn’t say anything further, leaving the way forward down to me.

“Maybe, we could just take things slowly? And Leon doesn’t need to know anything serious yet. Is that even a fair thing to ask of you?”

Joel didn’t say anything, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Suddenly we were so close, I could feel the warmth radiating from him, and the sensation of his lips on my skin didn’t fade away entirely. It had been so long, which is a lazy excuse but still true. His face was right in front of my own as his eyes searched mine, although I didn’t know what for. Then he kissed me again, properly. It had definitely been too long, as I surrendered to the need, and the pleasure of being intimate with someone. His hand slid up under my T-shirt causing me to moan as I pulled him closer, shifting around so that he was more on top of me. His other hand was stroking my face whilst I was feeling his apparently very well defined body as we ground against each other. This wasn’t really the kind of thing I had in mind when I said “slow”, but it was just too enjoyable to stop. Six months is a really long time to go without this kind of human contact. My head was already racing, much as my pulse was doing. How far could I let this go? As enjoyable as it was, and as horny as I was feeling, sex was probably not a good idea if I really did want to take things slowly. But sex with Joel? All signs pointed to that being a very fun time.

Unfortunately that fantasy didn’t get very far as I became aware of the two of us no longer being alone. Pushing Joel away from me just enough so that I could turn to look, Leon was standing in the doorway. He didn’t say anything, which seemed to make it worse because he looked totally stunned, maybe annoyed, maybe confused. Joel followed my gaze and sat up next to me.

“Leon, buddy, are you OK?”

He didn’t reply to my question, and just left the room.

“Shit. I need to go and talk to him.”

“Yeah, sorry Connor.”

“It’s not you’re fault, I just didn’t imagine this would happen like this.”

I left Joel on the sofa and made my way to Leon’s room. As soon as I walked in he turned away from me. We’d had disagreements before, sure, but I’d never seen him so angry with me. At least I assumed that’s what it was. I sat on the edge of his bed.

“Hey Leon.”

I rested my hand on his back, but there was no response.

“What you saw, what me and Joel were doing, well I guess that’s what grown-ups do when they really like each other. And I really like Joel, a lot.”

I tried to work out what I wanted to say to him, and in the silent pause, he turned to look at me. I realised that he wasn’t angry, or at least, not just that. He was scared.

“Leon, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

His tears were almost immediate.

“Mum used to forget about me sometimes, when she liked someone else.”

I hugged him close to me, hoping that he could feel safe and secure.

“Buddy, I love you the most in the world, and I’m always going to love you most in the world, you’re always going to be here with me. And just because I like someone else as well, like Joel, well that doesn’t change anything, right? I’m never going to love him the same way I love you. And I’m never going to forget about you.”

I’m sure it was going over his head, but I meant every word of it. Leon eyed me warily. Even if I couldn’t find the right words, maybe he’d feel what was inside me. After a few minutes he lay back down, obviously tired.

“Good night buddy, and remember, I love you.”

He nodded, which was good enough for me. I’ve gotten used to Leon’s most anxious moments being conversationally one sided.

The whole episode had only been about twenty minutes, which I know is not actually a long time. But it’s a lifetime when your feeling so totally useless and powerless. The only thing I wanted was to make everything better for him, but I was only guessing at what was wrong. My first real test of being a Dad, and I was totally failing.

Joel was still on the sofa where I returned.

“How is he?” He asked.

“OK, I think. I don’t know.”

I sat down next to Joel, feeling his arm around me, hugging me.

“I didn’t mean to make things difficult Conor.”

“You haven’t. I think I did that, pretending that I could keep Leon somehow separate from the rest of my life.”

“He’ll be OK with it, once he realises that I’m not going to steal away his Daddy.”

“I guess.”

“Besides, I already know that you’re never going to love me as much as him.”

“You heard that?”

“Well it’s kind of quiet here, I couldn’t find the TV remote.”

“And that’s not what I said anyway. I said not the same way.”

Joel smiled, and I chose not to pursue the casual use of the word love that seemed to be developing. It was far too soon to be thinking about that stuff. We cuddles on the sofa a little longer, before Joel headed home. After I tidied up I slept with Leon that night. I convinced myself that it would make him feel better, safer. But it was just as much for my own benefit. It’s fucking hard being a grown-up sometimes.

In the morning things were back to, or at least close to normal. I tried to find a balance between acknowledging what had happened and behaving as if nothing had happened, although Leon seemed much better at that than I felt I was. We settled back in to our regular routines, until Wednesday morning. Joel was on the playground dropping off Andre when we got to school. Leon stood next to me, gripping my jeans possessively. I crouched down to talk to him.

“It’s OK buddy, remember, I like Joel, but I love you the most.”

Leon gave me a half smile before heading off to his friends. I’ll tell him as many times as he wants or needs to hear it.

Once Leon was safely inside I walked over to Joel. He was dressed for work, but insisted that he had time to come back with me for coffee. We stood in the kitchen, mostly in silence, looking at each other, metaphorically at least. He put down his empty mug.

“So?” Joel began.

“Yeah?”

“I should probably be going.”

“Oh, right, yeah, of course.”

“Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“I know what I want…”

He stepped closer to me as he continued to talk.

“I’ve known for a while now, but you have to want it too.”

It wasn’t exactly a surprise, since I could see perfectly well what was going to happen, but I wasn’t prepared for the emotional intensity. We were kissing, without hesitation or restraint, and it was good. Really good. His stubble against my face and neck only adding to the sensual overload. I ended up pressed back against the counter, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his arse, pulling us as close together as I could. My jeans were doing a slightly better job at restraining the evidence of my horny body’s response, his suit trousers less so. And as much as my body wanted to push him into my bedroom and fuck, my brain wasn’t on board, instead opting to push wave after wave of guilt towards me. It was like I was somehow cheating on Leon, putting my own desires before his needs.

“Don’t you have to go to work?”

“Yeah, sadly.”

He leaned back ever so slightly, so we could look at each other properly as we spoke.

“Like I said, you have to choose to let me in to your life Connor, if that’s what you want.”

Joel left, and I spent the rest of the morning trying to work out how I was supposed to make decisions about this stuff. He had made things perfectly clear, he was interested, more than interested. And so was I, if only I could stop feeling as though I was potentially ruining my son’s life in the process. I’m not saying it was a rational response to the situation, but it is the thing that was stopping me.

I met Helen for one of our regular lunches. We had chatted about this and that, and nothing in particular.

“OK, so if you’re not going to tell me what’s really going on, how about this, there’s a touring production in rehearsals at the moment and I happen to know that they need a lighting designer. It’s short notice, they start the tour in two and a half weeks.”

“What? Why?”

“Use your words Con darling.”

“You know I can’t work like I used to now I have Leon.”

“You can work daytimes, it will be fine.”

“Why is it such short notice? They should be in final rehearsals by now, it should all be done.”

“I think it was ’artistic differences’, you know how it can be.”

“Great, the Director is a psycho. Thanks Helen that’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.”

“They’ll pay well. And they know your work, I’m sure you’d get the job if you want it.”

“Maybe. If they really can live with daytimes only.”

“Excellent! They’ll be so relieved.”

“What?”

“What?”

“What have you promised them?”

I’d known Helen for long enough to know when she was evading.

“Nothing. Except maybe that David should give you a call this evening.”

“Helen!”

“Oh stop it, you’ve got nothing better to do have you? Or have you? What am I missing?”

I gave her a look, it didn’t work.

“So what’s really going on with you. Man trouble I’m guessing? Do you need a better queueing system?”

“Hardly.”

“Oh, Con, is it Giles? I know the ballet company are back in London, are you getting back together?”

“Hell no.”

Although I didn’t know the company was back in the country and hearing his name was enough to throw me off guard. At six months he was the closest thing I’d ever had to a proper relationship. A ballet dancer, of all things. Cute and fit and funny and, oh yeah, massively needy, self centred and working as many hours as I was but not in the same places. It was a car crash from beginning to end really, but the sex was great. And then I found myself comparing Joel to Giles. Joel was nicer, more normal, here, interested in me not just himself, and the biggest difference of all, I wanted to be with him.

“Why? Don’t you miss him?”

“No. Maybe I miss the idea of him, but not the reality.”

“So who is it really?”

“It’s no one.”

This was technically a lie, obviously, but Helen let it go, for the time being at least. I left lunch with her just in time to get to school and pick up Leon. Rachel was there to pick up Andre, and as nice as it was chatting with her, I knew that I was really feeling disappointed that it wasn’t Joel. The rest of the afternoon and evening was uneventfully dull. If you don’t know yourself, the thing that no-one ever really says about having a kid is that is incredibly repetitive and boring. I love him more than I ever thought was possible, but that doesn’t make life permanently enjoyable. Answering the endless questions, and talking about banal shit is absolutely part of the job, and I know it’s important, but sometimes I need to talk with adults too. When Leon was safely in bed and asleep I decided to call Joel. I had to stop fucking around and just sort this out, or walk away from it. And yes, I was aware of the fact that I was starting to mentally segregate my time between Leon and Joel, keeping them as separate as I could. This wasn’t good, or sensible, or sustainable. He answered and I very briefly regretted calling him, but it was too late.

“Hello”

“Hey Joel, it’s Connor.”

“Yeah, I worked that out. What’s up?”

“Have you got time to talk?”

“For you, always.”

“Good. So…”

I really should think a bit more about what I want to say before I start these things.

“You know that most people use words, right? If you’re miming it’s no good, I can’t see you.”

“Yeah, sorry. So the thing is, I want to try and make this work.”

“Great.”

“But it has to be slow. Like, properly slow.”

“OK.”

“And Leon has to be OK with it.”

“Of course.”

“So maybe we should go on a date.”

“OK?”

“I mean, the three of us. I don’t know if this is a stupid idea or what, but I want the three of us to spend some proper time together.”

“OK?”

“You think I’m being crazy don’t you. It’s OK, you can say no. But this is all I can think of that might have any chance of working. I thought I could protect him from anyone in my life until I was certain, but that’s stupid, because he has to be involved, so we may as well start with that.”

“No, actually, I think it’s kind of a cool idea. And a little weird, but OK.”

“Really?”

“Really. Although last time he didn’t seem too excited by the idea of me and you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m working on that. So I was thinking maybe this weekend?”

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

“That’s up to you. Surprise us.”

“So no pressure then.”

“Maybe just a little.”

“No, it’s cool. I’ll let you know where to meet me.”

When I ended the call I wasn’t sure if I was feeling relieved, more nervous than ever, or excited about the possibility. Perhaps a bit of all three.