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    Thorn Wilde
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.

11:50 From Seattle - 1. 11:50 From Seattle

Andi fumbles with his keys, trying to get the door open. He nearly drops them, but finally he manages to let himself into his flat. Not even bothering to take his coat off, he runs toward the bathroom. He only just makes it. Taking a piss has never felt more wonderful.

He still doesn’t feel quite comfortable using the men’s room. He looks like a guy, but he feels like if he goes into the men’s room someone will call his bluff. They’ll see right through him. It’s even worse at work, where people know. No one has ever said anything, but he feels like everyone is staring. People glare if you go in a handicap toilet with no visible disability, too. As a result, he tends to hold it until he gets home.

It’s better than it was, of course. In a pinch he can easily use the men’s, really, but when his transition was in its infancy, figuring out where to pee was terrifying. No matter where he went, he felt like an impostor. Would be nice to have one of those super realistic packers you can pee through, he thinks as he flushes the toilet. Like an actual prosthetic penis. Those things are expensive, though.

After washing his hands, Andi checks his phone. No texts. Ronan doesn’t seem to be online. Small wonder, as it’s seven o’clock. Fucking timezones. Where Ronan lives, it’s only eleven in the morning.

Andi can hardly even think of the guy without getting himself worked up. Even pre-T, he already had a high libido. Testosterone has shot it through the roof, and Andi groans and begins to undress, purposefully looking away from the mirror as he removes his chest binder. Clothes gone, he detaches the packer again and places it on the side of the sink. He still sometimes laughs at the absurdity of it, his detachable dick. Getting in the shower, he sees Ronan’s handsome face in his mind. This isn’t going to take long.

He gets off quickly a couple of times, imagining Ronan pressed up against his back, lips on his neck and hands touching every part of him, before washing his hair and scrubbing his body clean of the day’s sweat. You’d think he worked hard manual labour, not tech support, but that’s the hormones, too. Everything’s out of whack. Worth it, though.

Andi steps out of the shower to find a text from Ronan, and he smiles. He wipes the steam off his black-rimmed glasses and puts them on to read it.

Hey, is all it says.

Hey, Andi writes back. What are you up to?

On my lunch break. How about you?

Just got home a little while ago. Fresh out of the shower.

Mm, naked Andi.

Andi blushes where he stands, towel wrapped around his waist. Ronan always teases him like this.

Being a guy online was easier than being one in real life, for obvious reasons, and it was how Andi started to explore his gender identity. There were . . . mishaps. Guys he started chatting and subsequently flirting with, where he got in too deep and didn’t have the guts to tell them that he was really a girl. He thought of it that way, back then, but of course he’s never really been a girl.

Ronan was the first person he came out to. Not just the first person online, but the first person, period. Andi was starting to feel very drawn to him and decided that if he wanted to have even a chance of at least staying friends, he had to tell the truth. So he did. He told Ronan that he’d been assigned female at birth, but that he was pretty sure he was really a guy, and that he would understand if Ronan didn’t want to be his friend anymore.

And Ronan wrote in response, What’s changed? You’re still the same guy you were five minutes ago.

Through everything—social transition, shrink appointments to determine whether he should receive hormone treatment, starting on T—Ronan has been his rock. And at some point they started sexting occasionally. But Ronan is gay, and halfway around the world, and Andi is very lacking in the thing that tends to be kind of paramount for gay guys, namely dick.

Not for nothing, Andi’s bio-dick has grown to more than an inch since he started T. It’s really not the same, though. For one, it’s attached to his body by the clitoral hood and labia rather than hanging free the way a penis would.

Now Ronan writes, Good shower?

Andi smiles. Very. Thought about you.

Did you now? Were they naughty thoughts?

Wouldn’t you like to know? Andi writes back, followed by a winking emoji. If their flirting goes any further, he may have to get back in the shower. God, it’s like being a teenager . . . Which, he supposes, isn’t so strange as he is basically going through his second puberty.

Wanna talk for a bit? I’d like to hear your voice, comes the reply from Ronan a few moments later.

Andi licks his lips, then leaves the bathroom and goes to sit down on his purple sofa. He stares at his phone for a minute, then types, Okay.

It only takes a few seconds before the phone rings. They have spoken before, most memorably a couple of weeks ago, when Andi was in bed, tipsy and horny after another night out with no action. He’s still nervous when he answers, though. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey there, boy.’

A tingly feeling goes through Andi’s body. It’s not a kink thing, or a dom/sub thing. They don’t have that kind of relationship, but being called ‘boy’ just feels so affirming and validating. He clears his throat. ‘What’s up?’

‘Not much. In the car. Decided to go home to eat, so on my way there.’

‘Were you texting and driving?’ Andi asks, chastising.

‘Only on red lights.’ Ronan speaks in a calm, melodious baritone. Just his voice serves to turn Andi on. Having that voice whispering in his ear while he got off last time was the most amazing feeling. He only just manages to refrain from touching himself again.

‘You know, I’ve been thinking,’ Ronan continues. ‘I’ve never been to the UK. Might be fun to come visit some time, and I’ve got vacation time coming up.’ The background noise grows quieter, and then Andi hears the slam of a car door. It takes him a moment to answer, during which he hears the sound of footsteps on gravel.

‘Well, if you want to see England, you should.’

‘Yeah, but I’d like to see you, too.’ Ronan is walking up a flight of stairs now, and his voice echoes slightly. ‘Actually, I mostly wanna see you. What do you say? Wanna hang out?’

‘Er . . .’ Andi swallows. ‘Yeah. I mean, if you want, that’d be great, yeah.’

Ronan laughs. A key turns in a lock. ‘You sound terrified. You’re allowed to say no, you know.’

‘I don’t want to say no,’ says Andi quickly. ‘I want to say yes.’

‘Then say that.’

Andi takes a breath. ‘Yes.’

There’s a short pause before Ronan speaks again. ‘And maybe play?’

Biting his lip, Andi hesitates. There are few things he’d like more than sex with Ronan, but now his stomach churns with anxiety. ‘I’d love that,’ he murmurs. ‘But, Ronan . . .’

‘Hm?’

‘You’re gay.’ Andi hears the quaver of his own voice and clears his throat again.

‘Yeah,’ Ronan says slowly. ‘And you’re a guy.’

The words make Andi’s heart beat faster, but still he wants to cry as he says, ‘Yeah, but . . . I don’t . . . I mean, I have a . . .’ He doesn’t even know how to say it. ‘I mean, I haven’t even had top surgery.’

‘I know. I don’t care. Andi, I think about you all the time.’ It’s Ronan’s turn to sound a little bit nervous. ‘Seriously. I gotta see you, or I think I’ll go nuts.’ His voice softens. ‘It’s not like I don’t know what you look like. You’re a good-looking guy.’

Andi laughs incredulously. ‘You’ll be disappointed.’

‘I won’t!’ Ronan utters a frustrated sound. ‘Andi, I promise I won’t. I just, I need to see you. For real.’

And even though Andi knows—he knows it’ll end in misery because no matter how much of a man he becomes, his body will never truly be one—he can’t possibly say no. Not to Ronan. So he says, ‘Okay. Yeah. I . . . I want to see you too.’

Ronan utters an audible sigh of relief. ‘Okay. Good. Man, I’m not sure what I’d have done if you’d said no . . .’

Andi can’t help his smile, or his soft chuckle. ‘I could never have said no.’

Ronan laughs as well. ‘So . . . what were you thinking about in the shower?’

#

‘You seem quiet today.’ Natalie takes a sip of her coffee and examines Andi with a quizzical expression. ‘Something happen?’

Andi shrugs. ‘No, not really. Just had a chat with an online friend the other day. He, er . . . he wants to come visit.’

‘Oh! Well, that’s nice. Where from?’

‘Seattle.’

Natalie freezes mid-sip, before lowering her coffee cup. ‘Wow. Must be a good friend.’

‘Yeah . . . yeah, he is.’ Andi’s gaze slides to the fake Rockwell print on the wall of the coffee shop. His cappuccino sits untouched before him on the table separating him from Natalie.

‘More than a friend?’ she asks, and Andi turns his eyes back on her again.

‘Maybe?’ He runs his fingers through his auburn hair. ‘I dunno. We sext sometimes. Er, phone stuff, too.’ He feels himself blush. ‘He . . . he’s nice. But . . . I mean, he’s gay.’

Natalie frowns. ‘Is that a problem?’

‘He says it isn’t.’

‘I’m assuming you’re out to him?’

Andi laughs. ‘Yeah. I was out to him before I was out to you.’

‘How dare you? I’m your best friend!’ says Natalie in mock offence, but she’s smiling.

‘He was the first person I came out to, ever. He’s been there for me. He says he doesn’t care that my body . . . I mean, he says it doesn’t matter to him at all. I’m just not sure I believe that. I mean, phone sex is one thing. He wants to . . . But—’ Andi cuts himself off.

Natalie studies his face for a moment. When she speaks, her voice is soft. ‘You have feelings for him.’

Andi swallows, then nods. ‘He’s always been there, Nat. I was so afraid, when I told him I was assigned female, but he just said . . . He said nothing had changed. And that was it. He just . . . accepted me. Without him, I’m not sure I’d have had the courage to come out to anyone else. Not even you.’

‘Sounds like he’s important to you. Tell me about him.’

‘Well, his name’s Ronan. He’s thirty-two, works in IT, so we’ve always had a lot to talk about. Dark hair, brown eyes. Just the right side of scruffy. And he’s kind. He listens. You know? Bit like you, really, but a guy.’ He laughs.

‘I’m flattered,’ says Natalie and sips her coffee again. ‘Does he feel the same way about you?’

Andi shakes his head. ‘I dunno. I mean, he’s coming here all the way from the American west coast, to see me. He said that’s why he wanted to come. For me.’

‘If he said so, it’s probably true.’

‘Yeah. Never known him to lie.’

‘And you’re sure he’s not catfishing you, right?’ Natalie cocks an eyebrow but is still smiling.

‘Yeah.’ Andi laughs. ‘He’s who he says he is. We’ve known each other for like four years. We’ve Skyped. The pics are definitely of him.’ He feels fidgety and looks down at his hands. ‘He’s coming in April.’

‘Wow, that’s only two months.’

Andi nods again. ‘I’m really nervous. Barely eaten since we talked about it. I just . . . what if he sees me and he doesn’t want me anymore? What if, when we talk face to face, he just thinks I’m annoying?’

Natalie reaches across the table and takes Andi’s hand. ‘He won’t. He’ll love you. I mean, you said he was like me. So he’ll love you, like I do.’ She pauses and laughs. ‘Well, not like I do. Cause I don’t want to have sex with you.’

Andi laughs too and squeezes her hand. ‘I don’t know if he really does, either, but . . . Thanks, Nat. That actually makes me feel a bit better.’

‘Well, good. Now drink your coffee before it gets cold.’

#

Andi stands in Arrivals at Terminal Five. It’s just gone noon. Ronan’s plane landed fifteen minutes ago, but he has to go through baggage reclaim and customs and passport control, so it will probably be a while still. In his hand is a barely touched paper cup of coffee. He fidgets nervously where he stands. What’s he going to say? Will they recognise each other? That’s a stupid thought, they’ve seen each other’s pictures loads of times, they’ve talked on Skype. Andi knows exactly what Ronan looks like.

A while later, he catches a glimpse in the crowd. Andi steps closer to the barrier where chauffeurs stand holding signs, and there. That face. Ronan sees him too and his smile is so wide. When at last they reach one another, Andi knows he’s grinning like an idiot, but he can’t help it.

For a moment they just stand there, face to face, staring at each other. Ronan is broad shouldered and taller than Andi imagined, but then almost every guy he’s ever met is taller than Andi himself. Ronan’s brown eyes are sparkling. Then he reaches for Andi and envelops him in strong arms.

Andi utters a short laugh, slipping his arms around Ronan in turn, and has to hold back tears, because this embrace is just as he imagined it would be.

They stand like that for a long time, before they finally pull apart and Ronan says, ‘Hey, boy.’

Andi laughs again, looking up into Ronan’s face. ‘Hey!’ He finds that he has to wipe away a tear. It’s embarrassing, but if he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t really care just then. ‘Fuck me, sorry. It’s just . . . It’s really good to see you.’

Ronan laughs as well and ruffles Andi’s hair. Andi leans into the touch. ‘It’s good to see you too. God, I’m exhausted, though . . .’

‘Long flight? Let me help you with your suitcase.’ Andi grabs the handle. It’s a big, red suitcase on wheels. Ronan has a laptop bag slung over his shoulder, and they start toward the exit. ‘I got you an Oyster card. It’s, er, it’s for travelling on the tube. Topped it up, so we can get home. I live in Hounslow, so it’s just a couple of stops, really.’

Ronan laughs again. ‘Hey, slow down,’ he says. ‘My brain hasn’t even caught up with my feet yet.’

‘Sorry.’ Andi feels himself flush. ‘Just . . . I guess I’m kind of excited.’

‘Yeah.’ Ronan yawns. ‘If I wasn’t so jet-lagged I’d be too. I mean, I am. Just too tired to show it.’

Andi glances sideways at him and smiles. ‘That’s okay.’

They reach the lifts down to the tube and wait. Andi almost jumps when he feels Ronan take his hand, lacing their fingers together. ‘This okay, too?’ he murmurs, and Andi nods.

‘It’s, er . . . It’s very okay.’

A lift arrives and they get in it, standing in companionable silence, holding hands. Andi wants to say something, but he’s not sure what. And this is fine. They don’t have to speak. Ronan’s hand is warm in his. When they get to the barriers, Andi hands Ronan his Oyster card and shows him where to tap it.

The journey home is silent. Four stops, and they get off. Andi’s flat isn’t far, and there’s no need to hurry. Ronan does look tired. Flying east is always worse than flying west, or so Andi has been told. The furthest east he’s been is France, where he went with his parents when he was fifteen. He’s barely been out of the country, he realises, and immediately feels extremely boring. Twenty-eight years old, and he hasn’t really been anywhere.

When they get inside, Ronan takes off his coat and looks around the small sitting room. ‘Nice place.’

Andi is fairly happy with his home. One wall in the sitting room is dark teal, contrasting with the purple sofa that stands against it and the other walls, which are white. The kitchenette is compact, but the space is well utilised. And his bedroom has space for a fairly wide bed, which he loves. Still, he scratches the back of his head. ‘It’s kind of small. Sorry.’

‘Hey, don’t be sorry. It’s not much smaller than mine, I think.’ He turns toward Andi, and fuck, his smile is beautiful. ‘Andi . . .’ It’s the first time he’s spoken Andi’s name since he got here, and Andi feels his heart pound. ‘Do you think it’d be okay if I kissed you?’

Andi swallows and nods. ‘Yes,’ he breathes.

Ronan steps closer. He reaches out, cupping Andi’s cheek, and gently presses their lips together. Ronan’s lips are supple, his mouth slightly open, and Andi’s hands are shaking, so he grasps Ronan’s shirt and kisses him back. It remains chaste, no tongue, but Andi’s heart is hammering in his chest and when they part, his breaths have grown heavy and laboured. Ronan presses his forehead to Andi’s. ‘I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.’

‘Yeah.’ Andi licks his lips, where the taste of Ronan lingers. ‘Me too.’

‘There’s a lot of other stuff I’d like to do, but . . .’ Ronan yawns again, wider this time. ‘So tired.’

‘Well,’ Andi hesitantly reaches out and strokes Ronan’s stubbled cheek with the backs of his fingers, letting his thumb trace his cheekbone, ‘you could take a nap and I could fix us some lunch. You hungry?’

‘Honestly, I’m not even sure.’ Ronan laughs. ‘I’m too tired to be hungry. But if I get some sleep I can probably eat after.’

Andi turns away. ‘I’ll show you the bedroom. Er . . . I don’t know if . . . I mean, if you want I can make up the sofa later if—’

‘I wanna sleep in the same bed as you,’ Ronan interrupts. ‘If that’s okay.’

Andi bites his lip and glances at Ronan over his shoulder. ‘I’d like that.’

#

For lunch, Andi prepares a chicken salad. Simple and light, but filling. Garlic bread on the side. Ronan has been sleeping for about an hour when Andi goes to wake him up. He’s sleeping heavily, but stirs when Andi smoothes back his dark hair. Blinking, he looks up at Andi and smiles. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey. Want some food?’

Ronan sits up. He’s shirtless and Andi looks away. Ronan has a nice chest. He really is well built. He’s told Andi he works out, and it shows. ‘Can I have a kiss first?’

Andi licks his lips and looks at him. Then he leans in and they kiss. Soon, he’s being pulled down onto the bed by Ronan’s strong arms, and this time the kiss doesn’t stay chaste. As Ronan pulls him close, he can feel the man’s erection against his thigh, and he shivers.

‘Can lunch wait?’ Ronan murmurs against Andi’s neck, leaving a gentle kiss there. ‘I just . . .’

‘It . . .’ Andi draws a deep breath. It’s hard to think all of a sudden. ‘It’s just salad. It can wait.’

‘Can I—?’ Ronan licks his lips. ‘Would you take your clothes off?’

Andi hesitates. He sits up and looks down at his hands.

‘You okay?’ Ronan sits up as well, sounding concerned. ‘What’s wrong? You don’t have to. We don’t have to—’

‘No, I want to. It’s just . . . I’m scared. That you won’t, you know, like what you see. And, well, I don’t like my body, either.’

Ronan takes his hand. ‘Andi. I promise you’re not gonna turn me off.’

‘Well, have you ever found a woman sexually attractive?’

‘Andi, you’re not a woman. You’re a man. And I find you really attractive. Please, can’t you just believe that?’

Andi licks his lips again. Then, slowly, he pulls his t-shirt off. He gets off the bed and removes his jeans and his socks. Now he’s in his binder and boxer briefs. He’s got his packer underneath, creating a bulge, and he blurts, ‘It’s not real.’

Ronan smiles. ‘I know. Come here.’

Andi gets back on the bed, lying down next to Ronan, who kisses him again, stroking his hand up and down Andi’s thigh, his hip, and his bare waist. Andi was surprised at how hairy he got when he started on T. He’s not been able to grow much facial hair, but he has a good trail down his stomach, and quite a bit on his chest. That part’s still obscured by his binder, though.

Ronan pulls back, looking into his eyes. He runs his fingers through Andi’s hair. ‘What don’t you want me to do?’

The question takes Andi by surprise. It’s not something anyone’s asked him before. He clears his throat. ‘I, er . . . I don’t want anything in my . . .’ He doesn’t like saying it out loud, because he doesn’t like thinking about the fact that he has one, but he lets out a sigh and says, ‘I don’t want anything in my vagina. And I don’t want you to call my dick a clit. I . . . don’t like those words . . .’

Ronan nods. ‘Okay. You wanna keep this on?’ He strokes Andi’s shoulder, fingering the fabric of the binder.

Andi runs his tongue along his bottom lip. ‘Yeah. For now.’

Ronan nods again. ‘Okay.’ He slides his hand down Andi’s back and grabs a handful of his arse. He grins. ‘You have a really great ass.’ Andi feels himself blush. Ronan nuzzles Andi’s neck with a stubbled cheek. ‘You’re gorgeous, Andi,’ he whispers, and Andi shivers in his arms.

‘You, er . . . You’re just about the hottest person I’ve ever known,’ he replies. Tentatively, he brings his hand to Ronan’s front, running his fingers over his sculpted, dark haired chest. Everything is slow, so slow, and Andi feels a bit like a teenager again. ‘I haven’t been with anyone in a long time . . . Not since—I mean, I haven’t felt comfortable.’

‘Do you feel comfortable now?’ Ronan pulls back to meet Andi’s gaze, and holds it.

Andi considers this for a moment. Then he nods. ‘Yeah. You . . . make me feel at ease, I suppose. So, yeah. I feel comfortable.’

‘Good.’ Ronan licks his lips. ‘If you stop feeling comfortable, you’ll tell me, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Andi kisses him. He feels bolder now and lets his hand wander down Ronan’s front until he’s cupping him through his underwear. Ronan hisses against his lips. He’s hard. Andi traces his shape through the fabric. He’s big. Not massive, but definitely on the bigger side of guys Andi’s been with before. Which, admittedly, aren’t that many.

He slips his hand inside the waistband of Ronan’s pants and reaches in, wrapping his hand around the shaft. Ronan’s reaction is immediate, as he throws back his head. Andi kisses his neck, his chest, then his stomach, and works his way down, pulling Ronan’s boxers off him. His cock is hard and leaking, and Andi longs to taste it, so he does.

‘Oh, fuck . . .’ Ronan slides his fingers into Andi’s hair and pulls just a little bit. Andi’s always liked having his hair pulled and makes a soft sound in response. ‘Andi, that—’ Ronan’s speech is cut off by a grunt as Andi swirls his tongue around the head of his cock. Ronan is circumcised, which is not something Andi is used to, but his partner’s reaction makes him bolder still and he gets to work.

Ronan’s response to his ministrations is making Andi desperately turned on, and every time Ronan makes a sound, Andi moans in empathy. He lets the taste of Ronan fill his mouth, breathes in the musky scent of him.

‘Hey . . .’ Ronan sounds breathless, but he grabs the back of Andi’s neck and pulls his pelvis away so his cock slips out of Andi’s mouth. ‘Hey, wait.’ Andi meets his brown-eyed gaze. ‘I wanna touch you, too.’

Andi bites his lip and looks away again. He’s not sure he’s ready for that. Not sure he’s ready for Ronan to see what is—or rather, isn’t—in his pants. But at the same time, he’s dying to be touched. He hasn’t felt another human being’s hands on him in such a long time. (The last time he tried did not go well. His dysphoria got in the way and his partner, though he respected Andi’s wishes, was not best pleased.) So after a few seconds’ deliberation he finally nods. ‘Okay.’

He takes off his underwear and grins in embarrassment as the packer and its harness appear.

‘Huh. So that’s how that works.’ Ronan looks at it in apparent fascination.

‘Yeah, it’s kind of weird, I know.’

‘Can I touch it?’ Ronan asks, and Andi nods. Ronan takes it in his hand the way he might have if it were really a penis. Andi wishes he could feel it. ‘Doesn’t quite feel like the real thing, but it’s pretty natural.’

Andi shrugs. ‘It does the job.’

‘So, that harness . . . I mean, you could fit something else in there instead, right? Something a little . . . harder?’ Ronan gives him a mischievous grin. It’s disarming and Andi laughs.

‘I probably could.’

‘I’ll keep that in mind.’ Ronan looks him in the eyes and smiles. ‘Take it off?’

Andi licks his lips again, then does as he’s asked. The harness comes off and he places the whole thing on the bedside table.

‘Heh, mine doesn’t do that,’ says Ronan.

‘Bet yours doesn’t ride up when you go running either,’ says Andi, but then he hesitates again. Ronan is still looking at the packer on the nightstand and Andi feels so exposed where he sits, dreading Ronan’s gaze moving to his groin. But then Ronan turns to look at his face again instad and he pulls him down onto the bed next to him once more, kissing him. Slowly, Ronan moves his hands down Andi’s body. He stops, fingertips in Andi’s pubic hair, and swallows.

‘I’ve never done this before.’

‘Not once?’

Ronan shakes his head. ‘Gold star gay.’

Andi casts his eyes down. ‘Sorry to ruin your track record. If you can’t go through with it—’

But then Ronan touches him and Andi’s brain turns to mush.

‘Let me know if I’m doing it wrong.’

Andi gasps. ‘No, you’re . . . You’re definitely doing it right. Fuck . . .’ It’s probably not that different, not with how much he’s grown.

Either way, this works very well, and soon Andi is trembling and whimpering, his thighs quivering, and Ronan looks into his eyes with this look on his face, like he can’t believe the effect this is having on his partner. ‘You’re so hot like this,’ he murmurs, and though Andi’s face is already flushed he can feel his neck grow hotter. Then he comes with a loud groan and a moaned profanity, back arching and body growing rigid.

Andi reaches for Ronan’s cock and jerks him off until he shoots all over his belly with a grunt. Then they lie there for several long moments, sated. Andi glances at Ronan and finds him looking back, smiling. ‘See?’ he says softly. ‘Told you you wouldn’t turn me off.’

Andi laughs. ‘Well, you haven’t seen my tits yet.’

Ronan rolls his eyes. ‘When I do, I won’t care about that either.’

On reflex, Andi wants to protest, but instead he turns over on his side and kisses Ronan’s gorgeous lips. ‘We should eat that salad,’ he murmurs. ‘You know, before the thing wilts on us.’

Ronan laughs. ‘All right. Let’s get our clothes back on.’

Andi gets out of bed, goes over to the closet, and gets out two blue terrycloth dressing gowns. He tosses one onto the bed. ‘It may be a little bit small, but should fit you well enough. While you’re here, clothing is optional.’

Ronan grins. ‘I can get on board with that.’

#

They talk over lunch. About everything. Andi would have thought that after four years and a bit of friendship, talking practically every day, they would have covered every topic, but they still have so much to talk about. After they’ve eaten, they get dressed again and go out for a bit, walking around the neighbourhood. When they get back in, they try to watch some TV for a bit, but it doesn’t last. Before long, Ronan is lying on top of Andi, kissing him and sucking on his earlobe, and Andi doesn’t think he’s ever been more turned on in his life.

Ronan grinds his hips down against Andi’s. ‘Fuck,’ he murmurs, ‘I really want to fuck you.’

Andi’s breath catches in his throat and, grasping the back of Ronan’s neck, he pulls him down into a searing kiss. ‘Yes,’ he breathes against his lover’s lips. ‘Yes, please . . .’

Ronan pulls back a bit, studying his face. ‘Do you . . . I mean, do you like anal?’

Andi almost laughs. ‘Fuck yeah,’ he says. ‘Anal is awesome.’ It’s true. He’s always enjoyed it, ever since he figured out how to do it properly, and he grins.

‘Shower first?’ says Ronan. ‘I’d like to . . .’ He seems to flush a bit, suddenly embarrassed.

The hesitation only lasts for a second, and Andi nods. They get up and head toward the bathroom, where they undress. Once again, Andi stops when he’s down to his underwear, uncertain. Ronan reaches for him, tugs at the hem of his chest binder. ‘May I?’

Andi nods slowly, and Ronan helps him get the thing over his head (which isn’t exactly easy as, for obvious reasons, it’s very tight). Then he looks at him, at his hairy chest, and he smiles, shaking his head. ‘This is what you were afraid of?’ Andi looks away in embarrassment. ‘Dude. I’ve seen moobs bigger than these.’

In spite of himself, Andi laughs at that. ‘Yeah. I guess I always was pretty flat . . .’

‘Andi, you’re gorgeous,’ says Ronan and kisses him.

They get in the shower, and after Andi’s washed himself thoroughly, Ronan gets to his knees behind him, tongue seeking out his hole. Andi utters a groaned profanity. No one’s ever eaten him out before. Not this part of him, anyway. This is better. So much better. Reaching down his front, he begins to stroke himself, and it’s not long before he comes, knees quivering while he supports himself on the wall with one hand.

Ronan stands up again, rinses his mouth a bit in the water of the shower, and begins to attack Andi’s neck and shoulder with his teeth. Andi moans.

‘Need to be inside you,’ Ronan whispers in his ear and Andi shivers.

They get out of the shower, barely even taking the time to dry off, and go to the bedroom. Andi finds condoms and lube in the drawer of his nightstand and hands them to Ronan. ‘How do you want me?’ Andi asks, voice trembling slightly.

‘On your back,’ Ronan tells him. ‘I want to be able to see you.’

Andi does as he’s asked and lies down on his back. He watches as Ronan squeezes some lube out onto his finger and shuts his eyes when that finger enters him, making him slick and ready.

Ronan goes slowly, pressing in a little bit at a time, checking in all the while. ‘You okay? Tell me if it hurts, okay?’

Andi nods, eyes still squeezed shut. ‘It’s . . . gah! It’s good . . . Fuck . . .’ He reaches down between them to touch himself, stroking his dick slowly and teasingly.

When Ronan bottoms out he pauses, leans down, and kisses Andi. It’s soft at first, but then it grows more intense. ‘God, you’re tight.’ His voice is barely more than a whisper, his breath hot against Andi’s mouth. He raises himself up on his arms. ‘Look at me, Andi.’ And Andi opens his hazel eyes, meeting Ronan’s intense gaze. ‘Fuck . . . you’re so beautiful.’

Those words send a shiver through Andi’s whole body and he whimpers helplessly as Ronan begins to move inside him. He drops his head, rests his forehead on Andi’s.

‘You feel so good . . .’

‘So . . .’ Andi lets out a moan. ‘So do you, Ronan, fuck.’

After a few minutes, Ronan picks up the pace, and Andi matches him by stroking himself faster and more firmly. He knows this causes him to tighten around Ronan’s cock, and Ronan groans. ‘Shit, I’m not gonna be able to hold out much longer.’

‘That’s,’ Andi gasps, ‘that’s okay. I’m close too.’ He is, and he comes, body shaking, thighs quivering.

‘Oh, fuck!’ Ronan’s hips stutter to a halt, and Andi feels his cock pulsing inside him as he comes. Andi’s orgasm is still ongoing. It seems to go on forever, and Ronan looks down at him in something akin to wonder. Andi’s hips buck involuntarily, his back arches, and the way his body tightens practically expels Ronan’s softening member from inside him. Then he colapses back onto the mattress, and Ronan lets himself down on trembling elbows, covering Andi’s body with his own and kissing him deeply.

‘What the fuck was that?’ he says incredulously, but Andi can feel his smile, and he laughs softly.

‘That,’ he says, ‘was multiple orgasms. It’s what happens when you have eight-thousand nerve endings in a single spot and you don’t ejaculate. It’s, er . . . it’s the up-side to my anatomy.’ He blushes. It’s just about the only thing he likes about his body.

Ronan pulls back a bit and looks down at him, shaking his head. ‘That was intense.’ With obvious effort, he rolls off Andi and lies on his back next to him. Then he removes the condom and disposes of it in the bin next to the bed. He gives Andi a sidelong glance, and suddenly his expression looks a bit pained.

Andi turns over on his side and reaches out to stroke his cheek. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I . . .’ Ronan licks his lips. Turns his head a bit to kiss Andi’s palm. ‘I thought maybe if we did this, we’d get it out of our systems. I mean, that’s not why I came here, but . . . I kind of hoped, you know? Cause this is really fucking inconvenient.’ He laughs.

Andi casts his eyes down. ‘You sure this isn’t just the post-coital hormones talking?’

‘It isn’t. I’ve felt this way for a long time. I don’t know if you do, and it’s okay if you don’t, but . . . I have some very strong feelings for you, Andi.’

‘Yeah.’ Andi bites his lip. ‘I do too. For you.’ He sighs and meets Ronan’s brown-eyed gaze again. ‘I fell for you a long time ago. I never thought you’d—’ He takes a breath. ‘I mean, I’m not a real man.’

Ronan smiles softly at that. ‘Yeah, you are. Your body doesn’t change that.’

‘I’m getting surgery,’ Andi says quickly. ‘I’m on the waiting list, both top and bottom.’

‘Even if you weren’t,’ says Ronan, ‘I’d still be in love with you.’

Andi sighs. This feels so bittersweet. The fact that Ronan is in love with him should make him immeasurably happy, but as Ronan himself put it, it’s really fucking inconvenient. ‘So, what do we do now, then?’ Andi asks.

Ronan utters a sigh of his own. ‘I don’t know. But . . . maybe we can worry about that part later? For now, I just wanna be with you.’

‘Yeah.’ Andi leans forward and kisses him. ‘We . . . we’ll figure it out.’

It’s unrealistic. He knows that. The chances of them actually finding some way to be together are next to none. Ronan has his life, his job, everything in Seattle, and Andi is here, reliant on the NHS for his hormones and the surgery he’s still waiting for. But he can’t bring himself to care right now. Not when Ronan puts his arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace and a fierce kiss. Not when this moment is so beautiful. Not when he’s finally found somebody to love, who is in love with him, too.

Not when he’s finally got Ronan.

Andi’s stomach rumbles. ‘Let’s order in,’ he says. ‘Pizza? Chinese?’

Ronan smiles. ‘I could go for Chinese.’

‘All right, then. Just give me a minute. I’d like to stay here for a little while.’

Pulling Andi closer, Ronan says, ‘You can stay for as long as you want.’

Andi wishes Ronan could stay, too. Stay here with him, after this week is up. But his lover is right. They’ll worry about that later. For now, they’ll just be together.

Thank you for reading! If you have any thoughts, questions, or critiques, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment.

Copyright © 2019 Thorn Wilde; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
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Chapter Comments

30 minutes ago, Jrmcr said:

Beautiful, bittersweet story.

Thank you! 

Edited by Thorn Wilde
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4 hours ago, Timothy M. said:

I think they're right to live in the here and now and take what they can relationship-wise and worry about being separated later. Flights are getting cheaper all the time and maybe Ronan could start thinking about finding a job in Britain. But the main thing right now is that Andi has the experience of a friend and lover who sees him at he truly is. We all want our lovers to see past our bodily imperfections.

I didn't mean for it to be a sad ending, so I think they're right, too. One day at a time. :) Thanks for reading and commenting! 

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I like this story a lot.  I like that there's unconditional acceptance, a soothing of doubt, and a leap into the abyss of risk.

 

Well done, Thorn.  🙂

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See? You're following the path of your true self, bravely sharing a tale that is near to your heart. Keep talking about it, boy. Let the world read and learn.

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19 hours ago, FanLit said:

Oh my God.  ❤️ :heart:

This was a BEAUTIFUL story.  It goes down a seldom (publicly) discussed path on the exploration of gender and sexuality.

Big hugs to Ronan and Natalie for their unconditional love and acceptance :hug: :hug:and the biggest hug to Andi for being true to himself, in spite of the challenges he may face. :hug::hug:

I’d be A-Okay if you revisited them in the future.

Thank you so much for sharing this tale. 

Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. I think it's an important aspect that people don't get. Not all trans people suffer from dysphoria the way Andi does (I don't, not in that way), but it's so destructive for those who do. I don't think people understand how it actually affects the people who experience it. 

As for revisiting them, it's not currently in the cards, but you never know. :) 

Thank you for taking the time to comment! :heart: 

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14 hours ago, Defiance19 said:

You wrote a beautiful and touching story, Thorn. 

 

Thanks, Def. Glad you think so. :) 

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11 hours ago, Wayne Gray said:

I like this story a lot.  I like that there's unconditional acceptance, a soothing of doubt, and a leap into the abyss of risk.

 

Well done, Thorn.  🙂

Thank you, Wayne! And thanks for your thoughts and comments before as well. :) 

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9 hours ago, MacGreg said:

See? You're following the path of your true self, bravely sharing a tale that is near to your heart. Keep talking about it, boy. Let the world read and learn.

Thank you, Mac! That's very kind of you to say, and I'll do my best. 

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To the best of my knowledge, I don't know anyone who is transgender. Your story brought up several things I'd never thought of, and you did it with two really great characters. Your portrayal of, and dialogue for both felt very real and was done with a great deal of sensitivity. Thank you. 

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6 hours ago, JeffreyL said:

To the best of my knowledge, I don't know anyone who is transgender. Your story brought up several things I'd never thought of, and you did it with two really great characters. Your portrayal of, and dialogue for both felt very real and was done with a great deal of sensitivity. Thank you. 

I'm glad you thought so, and I'm glad it could make you think. Some parts of our community are too often erased. I aim to rectify that, even if just a little bit. Thank you for reading, and for commenting! 

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They’re fictional, but I love them and wish the best for them, and real couples like them. Love is SO hard to find. You have to grab on with both hands and savor it. 

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22 minutes ago, Geemeedee said:

They’re fictional, but I love them and wish the best for them, and real couples like them. Love is SO hard to find. You have to grab on with both hands and savor it. 

So very true! I'm glad you like my boys. Thanks for commenting! ❤️ 

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On 3/18/2019 at 5:26 AM, Thorn Wilde said:

I'm glad you thought so, and I'm glad it could make you think. Some parts of our community are too often erased. I aim to rectify that, even if just a little bit. Thank you for reading, and for commenting! 

I had to look up packers, something I'd never really given much thought about -- the highly realistic silicone STP ones are horribly expensive aren't they?!  I was, however, very pleased to see the site I found had them in 16 different skin tone variations.

When  I was dating my first bf, ages and ages ago, one of his friends was pre-op FTM who still used "she." She couldn't wait to get what she referred to as "the unnatural growths" off her chest. Was lucky enough to be dating a woman who was able to see her as the masculine soul she was.

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10 minutes ago, Fae Briona said:

I had to look up packers, something I'd never really given much thought about -- the highly realistic silicone STP ones are horribly expensive aren't they?!  I was, however, very pleased to see the site I found had them in 16 different skin tone variations.

When  I was dating my first bf, ages and ages ago, one of his friends was pre-op FTM who still used "she." She couldn't wait to get what she referred to as "the unnatural growths" off her chest. Was lucky enough to be dating a woman who was able to see her as the masculine soul she was.

My packer is from Fleshlight. It's called Mr. Limpy, lol! It's one of the cheapest ones on the market, but it's pretty good. Actually, I should say packers, plural, cause I have two, but the first one I got was so much bigger than any flaccid dick I've seen in my life that I felt kind of uncomfortable wearing it. :P So I got a smaller one. But yeah, the really realistic ones are pricy af. One day, maybe... 

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4 hours ago, Thorn Wilde said:

My packer is from Fleshlight. It's called Mr. Limpy, lol! It's one of the cheapest ones on the market, but it's pretty good. Actually, I should say packers, plural, cause I have two, but the first one I got was so much bigger than any flaccid dick I've seen in my life that I felt kind of uncomfortable wearing it. :P So I got a smaller one. But yeah, the really realistic ones are pricy af. One day, maybe... 

The company I stumbled across was Emisil -- their "3rd gen STP" was €417.00; their most expensive was €535 (not a STP) with not only the 16 skin tones but 16 hair colors and "a nice, low-hanging 360° scrotum, with two movable floating testicles." Their cheapest was still about was €200.00.

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9 hours ago, Fae Briona said:

The company I stumbled across was Emisil -- their "3rd gen STP" was €417.00; their most expensive was €535 (not a STP) with not only the 16 skin tones but 16 hair colors and "a nice, low-hanging 360° scrotum, with two movable floating testicles." Their cheapest was still about was €200.00.

Jeez, that's pricy! Honestly, I'm perfectly happy with what I've got. It's just nice to have something in my pants, lol! 

EDIT: I looked them up, and okay, they do look pretty awesome. I can definitely see the appeal.

Edited by Thorn Wilde
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