In this chapter i tried to show the actions of the day out of Nolan's eyes. I hope you like reading it.
The new life
I started the day as always. Get up at 6.30 am, try to pee with my morning wood, get a fast shower, step into my clothes for the day, walk down to the kitchen and chewing in the food my mom prepared every morning. But my whole life changed since I told my dad that I’m gay. He abandoned me without a word. I still feel sad about this. I can only hope he gets his shit together and comes back to us. But right now I’m just happy. I fell in love with this beautiful boy I just met 2 days ago. Mike. Even his name sounds sweet. My stomach makes a front flip every time I think about him. I walked into the new school that day I met him with a really bad feeling in my guts. I was led to the class where the teacher introduced me and the first face I saw was Mike’s. I instantly fell in love with him. I don’t know why but I could feel that he just felt the same. The looks in his eyes said everything I needed to know.
Like yesterday I got out of the house and Dan, Nate and my sweet boyfriend waited for me to step out of the house. That sounds so right. My boyfriend. I can’t say or think that enough and as I saw him my stomach made another front flip. We greeted each other but this time I didn’t kiss Mike. I saw on his face that something was bothering him. As we walked we separated from Dan and Nate and I asked him if everything is ok.
“Yes baby, everything is ok. I was just thinking about something.” He told me.
“Tell me!” I smiled at him.
“I really want to shout to the world that I got the cutest and sweetest boyfriend someone could get and that I love you but I’m scared. This is all new for me and after the incident yesterday I don’t know If I can just kiss or hold you like I can at home or at your house. What do you say about this?” he said to me in a very serious tone.
“I know that this is a really tough topic and I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I can’t really hide my feelings for you in the class or the hallway. And I know that you got the same problem. If you don’t feel comfortable about this we can try and hide it in school. I don’t really care who knows about me but I care about you and your concerns.” I said to him looking deep in his beautiful crystal clear blue eyes.
“Damn it, I really have to think about something stupid like this when you got those issues with your father in your mind. Your problems are way bigger than my little anxious attacks. But let’s just hide it a few days so I can think about it a little.” He said.
“Don’t feel bad about this. The problem with my dad will work out. If he loves me he’ll come back and if not I’ll live on. And by the way, you just make me happier than I ever could have dreamed about. I felt so bad when I first stepped into the school but at the moment I saw YOU I calmed down and I knew everything will work out just fine. Don’t worry about my dad. And if you want to kiss or hug me in school just do it. If not than kiss or hug me at home.” I said to him and he began to smile.
“I really missed you last night. I don’t know why but I really wanted to sleep into your arms. Can you ask your mom if you can stay the night at the weekend? But only if you want to.” He said to me and I smiled at him. Does he want to have sex with me or does he only want to hold me and kiss me? Whatever he wants I’ll do it in an instant.
“I ask her later ‘cause I really want to cuddle with you. Damn it. We already got to school. So, this is the last chance to tell you this: I love you my sweetheart.” I looked around and when I was sure nobody looked I planted a little kiss on his cheek.
“I love you to, babe.” He said to me blushing. I hope this day will work out just as the last day but without the beating I got. My nose still hurts a little. But my knight in shining armor will be on my site the whole day. First period is homeroom like always and we got through it without problems. At lunch after 2nd period we sat together and were talking when a girl approached us I noticed earlier in homeroom. She went to Mike and said “Hey Mike, I wanted to ask you if you want to go out with me sometime.” She blushed a little and added nervously “You know, I really like you.” He looked shocked at what she just said.
“Ehm, sorry Amanda but I’m out of the market.” He looked at her with a shy smile.
She looked surprised at him and asked “Who is she? Or are you saying this ‘cause you don’t like me?”
“I won’t tell you who it is and no, I really like you, but not in this way.” He nervously told her but one look at her says the she doesn’t believe him.
“Liar, just tell me who she is. If not I assume there isn’t anybody and you just don’t like me.” Shit, now he is trapped. What is he going to say? I looked at him and he got this scared look in his eyes that I noticed a few times the past 2 days. But what came next surprised everybody. He leaned in to me and kissed me. He kissed me in front of the whole school and especially the girl who just announced that she likes him. Damn it. Her eyes told everything. There was no disgust but a whole lot of disappointment. She looked angry at him and after we broke the kiss he said “Sorry Amanda, but I love him. I know you’ll hate me from now on but it’s who I am.”
Still with an angry look on her face she said “I don’t hate you but somehow I knew it. Nobody ever saw you with a girl and I really wanted to know if I’m right. Sure, I’m disappointed but I can live with that.” She sat down at our table and after a few minutes she calmed down and smiled at us.
Dan looked at Mike and said “Dude, you just kissed Nolan in front of the whole cafeteria. In fact you just outed yourself and him to everyone in school. Aren’t you afraid about that?”
“I’m pretty scared right now but I knew I couldn’t hide it very long with Nolan around. They would’ve known by the looks I would’ve thrown at him and his looks at me and even I freak out about this, I don’t really care if I tell them all today or next week.” Mike told him and he reached for my hand and he added “I already talked about this with him. He got no problem if the school knows about us but he’ll hide it till I feel comfortable with it. But I doubt I’ll ever feel that way so I just took the opportunity.” He looked at me and kissed me a second time in school. Now I noticed some kids around who looked at us. A few with disgust in their eyes but the most with happy and approval looks in their faces.
After the bell rang we got up and left for next period. Still a little bit shaky we walked hand in hand to our classroom and sat down. We got some stupid looks and someone said a few stupid things but after all nobody really cared. The teacher sensed something was up in class and asked what is going on and someone in the middle row told him that Mike and I are a couple. After a few seconds the teacher said down on his desk and told us to put away our math books. He then talked with us about homosexuality and other ways of life. Within 10 minutes it got into an open discussion and Mike and I were in the middle of it but the teacher fast told them that this is our thing and if we don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to. Finally the bell rang and we got up and left the class without much trouble. There wasn’t a big problem in the class but if 26 other students are talking about your love life it gets annoying.
At Mike’s locker I asked him “Are you ok sweety?”
He looked at me, smiled and said “Yes. Everything is fine. The last 2 days were my happiest but scariest days ever but I don’t regret anything ‘cause I’m with you and I love you.” He blushed and I kissed him for the 3rd time today in school and now in the crowded hallway. We still got some stupid comments but nobody really bothers us.
After we broke the kiss I said “I love you too baby. I ‘m so happy right now. I’m in a new city and at a new school, got the sweetest boyfriend who I really love and I can kiss him in the hallway in school.” We then kissed for another few minutes when the bell rang again and we had to head out for next period. The rest of the day went the same way. I couldn’t believe they all accept us for who we are and my dad who lives in the gayest city in the world can’t even try to accept me. This is really fucked up but I had to live on. Otherwise I would be sad and depressed for the rest of my life and I don’t want that to happen.
After school we teamed up like the last days and walked home but this time mike invited me over for dinner. I told him I’ll ask my mom when we were at my house. On the way we talked about some boy stuff like sports, girls, boys, music and holidays. At my place I ran inside and asked my mom if I can have dinner at Mike’s and she said yes but told me to be home at 8.30 pm. I nodded, ran to my room, tossed my backpack onto my bed and ran back down. I said goodbye to my mom and walked out with a big smile on my face.
Mike smiled at me and we walked to his place holding hands like it’s normal. I can’t get enough of that. At his house we said goodbye to Dan and Nate and stepped in. After tossing away his backpack Mike asked me “Would you help me fix dinner for us?”
I nodded and followed him to the kitchen and we started cooking. We made a big pot of Lasagna and 10 minutes before dinner is ready his dad came in and greeted us. “I see, I have to get used to see you more often now.” He said and smiled at us.
Mike said “Yes. This 2 and a half past days were very hard. Even today something happened. A girl from our class came up at lunch and tried to ask me out for a date and even after I told her that I’m off market she wouldn’t believe me till I got annoyed and just kissed Nolan. I practically outed us in school today and nobody really cared. Even Amanda said she knew it and just wanted to know. I still can’t believe it.”
His dad smiled, shook his head and said “I thought you wanted to wait.”
I nodded but said “I really wanted to wait but it doesn’t matter if I do it in a week, a month or just today. The reactions would be the same and after coming out to Dan and Nate who already knew and you who obviously knew I didn’t want to hide anymore so I took the opportunity and came out at school as well. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe not but I don’t regret it.”
After a few minutes dinner was ready and Mike brought the Lasagna onto the table and we started eating. While eating we talked a bit about family and Mike told me about his mom who died 6 years ago in an accident.
He saw in my eyes and saw how I feel and said “Don’t feel sad honey, I miss her and it still hurts but it happened a long time ago. She would’ve loved you if I could introduce you to her ‘cause you make me so happy.” Tears running down my face he came closer and wiped the tears away, smiled at me and kissed me.
“Sorry sweety, I can’t help it feeling sad about this. The problem with my dad seems so small against that. Damn it, I need to speak to him. What if I’ll never get the chance to tell him how I feel.” I said to him. I really need to talk to him or at least write him a letter. When I get home tonight I will write him a letter.
After dinner we cleaned up together and Mike led me into his room. He turned on the TV and started a movie and laid down on the bed and waved to me to come to him. I laid beside him and we started to cuddle and started a little make out session while trying to watch the movie.
At 8.20 his dad knocked at the door and told me to get ready to go home. I awoke and noticed that Mike and I both fell asleep while cuddling in bed and I really don’t want to stop that. We stood up and he walked me out of the house. Out in the open I told him I’ll write my dad a letter tonight and he nodded and wished me good luck will hugging me. We then said our goodbyes, our ‘I love you’s’ and kissed a last time without bothering anybody could see us boys kissing on the street. After 50 meters I turned around and waved at him.
At home I talked a bit with my mom and told her what I’m going to do. She just said “That’s a good idea but be prepared that you could get no answer or a bad answer.” I nodded and walked into my room and sat down at my desk, pulled out a few sheets of paper and started writing:
I know you don’t want to hear from me but I have to write you. The past 2 months were really hard because you left us without a word but I have to accept that you don’t want to be part of my life because I don’t live the life you wanted me to have. Sorry, but this is so stupid. This is the way I am and nothing could’ve changed that and this has nothing to do with you. If you can’t accept me then tell me what is on your mind and don’t run away like a little girl. Another ‘sorry’ for that but you could’ve just said anything but leaving us without a word is childish and you’re an adult. I still love you and I want you back in my life but if you can’t accept me for who I am you have to stay away. Finally I got happy in California. I like the school and I found a few friends the first days in the new school. I know you don’t want to hear that but I even fell in love with a boy in my class who is my boyfriend now. Right now I am really happy but there is still a big hole in my heart and only you can refill this hole. I never thought me being gay would be such a big problem for you. Damn, we were living in the ‘gayest’ city in the world and you never said a bad word about gay couples. I just hope you get your mind straight.
I love you dad,
I read the text a few times before I put it in an envelope, filled in my old address from San Francisco and put a stamp on it. First thing in the morning I would go and throw it into the mailbox on the way to school. I feel relieved that I wrote this. I never really thought about writing or calling him. I even gave him our new address if he wanted to visit, call or write us. I just hope he thinks about what he did 2 months ago. I really hope. But for now I just want to sleep. I’ll be happy to see Mike again in the morning.