A way of life - 2. The way home
This is the 2nd chapter of 'A way of life' and i hope you'll enjoy reading it. If you have anything that can improve my writing please let me know.
The way home
After school, Dan, Nate, Nolan and I met at my locker to go home. We all live in the same neighborhood and can walk together. My emotions at this point were out of control. I don’t really know what to feel. Happy that I don’t have to hide me anymore in front of my friends or should I be scared that the people I don’t want to know about me could find out? As we walked out of the schoolyard Nolan sensed my feelings and asked me “Hey dude, what’s wrong? You seem very silent the past few minutes.”
“Heh? Ohh. Sorry, my head is driving me crazy. I don’t know what I can do now. My friends know about me and that’s really good. But I’m scared that my dad finds out. I don’t know what he thinks about gays. And I’m his only son. He’ll be disappointed, I know it. That freaks me out.” I told him.
“Don’t freak out. I don’t like the look in your eyes when you’re like that. I like it better when you smile at me. If your father really loves you he’ll understand. But if you don’t want him to know about you, you can still keep it a secret. But what if he is like your friends and knows about you? You can tell him when you’re ready.” He said to me walking close beside me.
“I know. And that’s why it’s so scary right now. If he knows why don’t he speaks with me about it? If he knows why didn’t he treat me like nothing happened?” That’s the only thing I’m thinking about. And I hate it. I shouldn’t be so scared.
“’cause nothing happened, Mike. You’re the same person you have always been. You just like boys instead of girls. You will do the exact same things what you did before you knew. And there is nothing wrong with you. I know those feelings. I was in the same fucked up situation but it worked out and anybody who got a problem with me or my way of life can go to hell. I don’t want those people in my life. Think about it.” What he said makes sense. But it is still a lot to think about. I can’t just go to my father, tell him that I like boys and if he can’t accept it he should go to hell. That’s my father and not someone on the street that I just met. I really need to think about it when I’m in my room tonight.
Dan and Nate are a few meters away from Nolan and me and talking. I don’t know what they are talking about but I really don’t want to know. I really want to be close to Nolan. The fact that I just came out to my two friends is still in my head but so is Nolan. As we walked we spoke a little bit about his life in San Francisco and about living an openly gay life. He told me that he once got a boyfriend back there but they just hold hands and kissed a few times. Sure, it’s the only thing I can think about when I see Nolan. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. But what if he’s not interested in me? I can’t really risk that.
At the next corner Nolan said “This is my house. You guys want to hang out later? If you want you can come by at 5.”
“Sure, sounds good. What do you want to do? Just hang out, listen to music and play video games?” Nate asked.
“Yeah, that would be nice. I got some nice games. Just come by.” Nolan said.
Nolan asked me if he can get my mobile number and I eagerly gave him my number. Then we said goodbye and he stepped closer. I don’t know why but I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek like he did today. He looked surprised like Dan and Nate. I just blushed, said goodbye and walked away with some looks back to him. Damn, I just hugged and kissed him. On the fuckin’ street. It was just a kiss on the cheek. But still, everybody could have seen it. I hope nobody saw it ‘cause I would be in deep shit with that.
I was shaking like I’m freezing. Dan and Nate walked on my sites and looked still a little bit surprised.
“What was that? You just kissed him.” Dan asked.
“I know. I don’t know why I did that. It just felt right.” I honestly answered. It really felt right but after the kiss I got really scared about someone seeing what I just did.
“Do you like him? Damn, what a stupid question. Sure you like him, otherwise you never would’ve kissed him.” Nate said. Yes. Yes. Yes. I like him. I like him very much to be honest. But what can I tell them? But my mouth is faster than my brain.
“Yes, I really like him. Since I first saw him today in class. I never felt like this before.” I said and added with a sigh “I think I’m in love.”
“Wow. That’s fast. You want to tell him?” Dan said.
“What? NO, I can’t just go to him and tell him I’m in love with him. Not today. I’m still freaked out about everything that happened today.” I told him.
“Sure, today was tough for you, but look, I think he likes you too. So don’t waste time. Ask him out later.” Nate said.
We stopped at my house and I said “Maybe. I have to think about it. You want to come in for some time? My dad is still working and I don’t really want to be alone right now.”
“Sure.” Both of them said and we walked into my house and then into the kitchen. I got 3 cokes out of the fridge and gave each of us one. After some of that coke we went up to my room and watched some TV till they had to head home for dinner. My dad is always back home at 3 pm so I have to cook our dinner. I got the chicken breast and the potatoes out of the fridge. I sliced the potatoes and put them into the oven and fired up the grill and grilled the chicken. At 3 pm sharp my dad opened the door and walked in. Dinner is just ready.
“Hey dad, how was work today?” I asked like always.
“Hey son, same shit like every day. Nothing special. What about you? How was school?” he answered.
“Same thing like every day. But we got a new kid to school. He seems nice and Dan, Nate and I got along pretty good with him. We’re going to hang out at his place at 4. He just moved here from San Francisco into the next street.” I told him. I really don’t want to tell him everything what happened.
“Sounds good. But don’t be late tonight. You got school tomorrow. I expect you home at 8.30 the latest.”
I just nodded and played with my meal while thinking about what happened today. As my dad finished his plate he saw that I didn’t even start mine and he looked at me suspicious and asked “Son? Everything ok? You seem a little bit out of place right now.”
I looked up and said “Yes. I just have something to think about, that’s all. Don’t worry.”
“But I do worry. That’s my job as a dad. You know you can talk to me about everything? And I really mean everything.” He said and smiled at me. I just nodded and walked to my room.
What does he mean with ‘I really mean everything’? Does he know? I don’t think he meant sex ‘cause we already got ‘The Talk’ a few months ago. This whole thing is so confusing. Why can’t I just live like I want and don’t have to hide anything? Yes, I like boys and I really don’t like the fact that I have to hide it. It’s who I am. But if I tell him and he can’t accept me for that? What am I going to do? This is so fucked up. I need to know what I have to do. Am I going to hide it any longer or just tell the world? Maybe Nolan can help me with that. Nolan, sigh. Shit, I forgot the time. It’s already 3.55 and I have to change clothes and walk to him.
I changed my clothes as fast as I could and ran to the door. My father stopped me and said “Have fun. And remember, don’t be late.” I just nodded and stormed out of the door and up the street. A few meters before I got to Nolan’s house I stopped and gained some oxygen. As I walked to his door my heart pounded in my chest. Not from running but because I can see Nolan again. I pressed the doorbell and waited till his mom opened the door.
“Hello, you have to be Mike?” she asked and reached her hand out to me.
As I took her hand I said “Yes ma’am, I’m Mike, I met Nolan in school today and we wanted to hang out a little while.” She nodded and led me into the house. The house was not really big but I would call it ‘cozy’. She said Nolan is in his room and I can just walk up. As I walked up the stairs and to his room I got really nervous. I didn’t hear any noises from his room. Aren’t Dan and Nate already here? I’m 5 minutes late. Maybe they will join in a few. I knocked at the door and Nolan said I can come in.
My brain couldn’t believe what my eyes just saw. He sat on his bed in only his shorts. I must have looked very crazy because he said “Don’t drool on the floor, dude.” And grinned at me. This was so embarrassing for me. What do I do now? Should I go to him and sit beside him? Or should I sit on the floor?
“Come here and sit on the bed. Are Dan and Nate on their way?” he said.
“Don’t know. I thought they are already here ‘cause I’m a little late. They’re never late. Maybe Dan’s ‘rents gave him some chores to do.” I told him still a little embarrassed about what happened.
“Ok. We can wait for them. You want to watch a movie? I got some nice stuff on my Netflix list.” He asked.
“Ehhm. Before that, can I ask you something?” He nodded and I told him about what my dad said at dinner and about what bothers me. He listened to everything I told him and sometimes he nodded or smiled at me.
“Ok. First thing, maybe he knows, maybe he doesn’t. But don’t freak about it. He can’t do anything to change what you are. If he really loves you he’ll accept you for who you are. If he doesn’t he can’t just throw you out of the house. He is still your father. And from what you told me he loves every bit of you. You’re his only son. If you don’t feel comfortable telling him then don’t do it.” Nolan said to me.
“But I can’t hide this my whole life. He’ll be disappointed ‘cause I didn’t tell him. Why is this shit so confusing? Why can’t I just be normal?” I just let my emotions free and cried like a little baby. The second time today. That’s so fucked up. But Nolan just smiled at me, came closer and wiped my tears out of my face. His fingers are so smooth and his touch send an electric shiver through my body. He looked me into the eyes and then it happened. Out of instinct I kissed him. Not on the cheek this time. I kissed him on the lips. It felt so awesome. His lips are so soft. After some seconds we broke the kiss and he smiled at me and blushed a little. I think I turned crimson at this very moment. I was shaking like hell and couldn’t believe what I just did. But Nolan sensed my feelings and came closer and kissed me this time. This time the kiss ended after an eternity. At least it felt like that, but in real life it was about half a minute. Now I know I want to kiss him more. But someone knocked at the door and we separated from each other.
“Come in.” he said loud and his mom came in.
“You boys want something to drink? I have cold cokes, OJ and water.” She asked
We both said “OJ, please.” At the same time and giggled about that.
“Ok, I’m back in a few.” And she left the room. After about 3 minutes she came back with some cold OJ and some cookies. At this moment I calmed down a little and I smiled at Nolan. I just have to look into his eyes. Those hazel brown eyes got something why I can’t look away. As he looked up and saw me looking he smiled.
“You know. The first time I saw you today I knew I liked you. Now I learned something about you and like you even more. I don’t know why but I think I’m in love with you. That never happened to me before. Sure. I was in love before but not at first sight like with you. I hope you don’t hate me for that.” Nolan told me and I couldn’t believe what he just said.
Before I could say anything I swung my arms around him and kissed him again. We made out about 4 minutes till I had to breathe at least a little bit. “I got exact the same feelings when I first laid my eyes onto you. Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Did I just ask him if he want to be my boyfriend? What the hell? Like always my mouth was faster than my brain.
He smiled at me a little bit shocked but nodded and kissed me. We didn’t hear the doorbell and the light knocks on the door and we were a little surprised when Dan and Nate suddenly stood in the room looking at Nolan and me still kissing.
Shocked and embarrassed we broke the kiss and swung around to sit on the bed. “Sorry we disturbed the fun. We can leave if you guys want some privacy.” Dan chuckled.
“Don’t leave. We just thought you guys won’t come anymore.” I said to them.
“My mom gave me some chores to do and Nate helped me. Sorry for coming a little late. Looks like you wanted to watch a movie. Let’s get started then.” Dan said
Nolan told them they could sit where they wanted and they positioned themselves in front of the bed on the floor. Nolan started the film and after a few minutes Dan asked “You told him, Mike?”
Nolan looked into my eyes and I shook my head no. The questioning look on Dan’s face was very obvious.
“He didn’t told me anything first. I told him. I really, really like him. And we just got carried away a little.” Nolan giggled to Dan and I blushed a little.
“Seems like you to hit it off at the first day. I’m happy for you two.” Looking at me he added “Are you going to tell your dad?” Why he had to remind me on that? AAAAAHHHHH. My dad knows I got something on my mind. I can’t tell him. Not right now.
“I’ll tell him. But I don’t know when. I can’t just go to him and tell him ‘hey dad, I’m gay and by the way, I got a boyfriend.’ He would freak out. I need to think about it.” At this moment I just wanted to snuggle up on Nolan. While we kissed his body felt so good against mine. His scent was intoxicating. I think he sensed my feelings, ‘cause he came closer to me and hugged me tight. He then looked into my eyes and kissed me again. He kissed me in front of my friends. This is so confusing but this just feels so right.
“Ok you two lovebirds. Lets watch the movie.” Nate giggled and we stopped kissing me. Nolan cuddled beside me and we watched the movie. I’m so happy right now. I got a boyfriend and I got my first kiss today. Ok, I have to deal with my dad but right at this very moment I couldn’t be any happier.
At 8.20 we said goodbye to Nolan and I even kissed him one more time before we left his house. On the way home Dan, Nate and I talked a little about today and they told me that they’ll have my back forever. I am so relieved that the day ended with this happy feeling in my got. When I got home I went straight to my bathroom, brushed my teeth and went to bed. I already missed Nolan in my arms. I can’t wait to hold and kiss him again. Lets see what the next days will bring up.
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