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About this blog

An examination of my own whirling thoughts, opinions, and rabbit holes.  Most if not all posts will center around writing and my motivations for undertaking such work.

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Entries in this blog

Bluegrass Symphony

I miss many things about Kentucky.  And though it took a while, I finally realized what it is that I truly long to experience again.   Let's start with what I don't miss - the people.  Those are the most mixed bag when it comes to my thoughts of my home state.  I've met some of the most honest, hard-working, and caring people there.  Yet, I've also run into some awful apples.  They were judgmental, hardened by poverty and suffering from a lack of opportunity - all of which conspired to
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

21

Ninety Days

I recently went to the doctor. Had some routine blood tests done that I've not had in a long time. My vitamin D levels were low, while cholesterol and a test called CRP (c-reactive protein, a test that shows inflammation) were very high. Even though I work out hard, I'm predisposed to high cholesterol and heart disease. I have three months to knock my numbers down. If I can't do it on my own, then I go on meds for the rest of my life. I've always said that I won't do medication when ha
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

27

Howl at the Moon

I'm pissed. Maybe I shouldn't be. Perhaps I should expect less; I don't know. I post work on multiple sites.  Well, on a different site I've built a reputation as a sort of HEA, feel-good, everybody wins writer.  I guess I should have known to post my aggressive, erotic story Silverwolf there would throw people (even though I put a warning on the first chapter to explain it was very different from my usual offering). I am utterly fine getting emails to say that "Hey, this isn't my
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

29

Fleeting Eternity

I'm a nice guy. I think about how others feel, consider their beliefs, and I try to be respectful in as many things as I can. So when I write I do my best to adhere to those same principals.  Yet, therein lies a limitation. Not rocking the boat of the reader, not challenging their beliefs, not forcing them to grow is a failing.  It's one that I struggle to move beyond, and it has kept me from posting work.  I know some of the things I've written will simply not pass muster for som
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

23

Was it ever Broken?

With all my free time (hahaha!) I've been going through a hard edit of Camp Refuge.  It's sort of the story where I found my favorite subject matter.  It was where I decided I was no longer a writer of "porn with plot", but rather "erotica with purpose". Head-hopping became my enemy after Camp Refuge.  I realized that I did it a lot, and I felt I had to eliminate it in order to improve, and grow.  So I did (mostly). Yet, as I edit and as more players are added to the mix in Camp Refuge
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

27

Dreamer’s Disease

I was driving on the way to our most remote site, and this melody/lyrics began to play in my brain.  So I pulled off, recorded it, then continued on my way. https://drive.google.com/open?id=1kzx9g8bKyTRl4pzA_OC42FGXN42vo5-n I’ll decide later if it’s worth trying to flesh out into a complete song.  Maybe ask my buddy who does Folk singing for a living what he thinks. Till then, is the melody familiar to anybody?  It’d suck to think it’s mine when it’s not.
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

13

Playing God

I never thought I'd be playing God. I manage twelve small clinical labs, including the staff that go along with them. I plotted out minimum staffing levels to run each. I asked for volunteers to go on unemployment while our business contracted, and patients stopped coming in for routine visits. The idea, so beautifully expressed on paper, was to have those "extra" staff waiting - out of the line of fire, and hopefully staying healthy away from the front lines of this epidemic. One of t
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

5

DemiGay

Warning: If relationships that include sex with others apart from committed partners offends you then skip this entry. Like so many of us who have a non-hetero identity, I've done a lot of research on sexuality.  I've also researched for stories I write (particularly the one I'm currently posting, Camp Refuge).  One that I discovered while researching was demisexuality.  Here's urban dictionary's definition of it, and it works pretty well.  https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=De
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

18
Blog

Stinky Nature

As anyone who read my last entry knows, I like to work out. It's something calming, something I control, and it is therapeutic in ways nothing else is in my life. So during today's lunchtime, I strolled out past our garden to our garage. I offhandedly noted that Kevin had been working on the garden, and caught the barest scent of the chicken manure he'd used in his raised beds. No biggie. It wasn't too bad, and I was raised on a farm - I had smelled far worse. I started my workout in our de
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray in Blog

15

Formative 2

"Okay, are you seriously not going to tell me?" I lay in bed with Greg.  He hadn't planned to end up tangled in sheets with me that night, but I can be terribly convincing if a man let me kiss him. I chuckled, and his hand rubbed my chest gently.  "Come on."  He tried to work me, but it wasn't necessary.  I had wanted sex, he gave it to me, so I'd reward him. "Fine."  I took a breath, and he grinned.  Greg wriggled a little closer, and now his forehead was under my arm, w
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

7

Gay Bookstore Goodness

https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/03/group-strangers-shopping-bookstore-suicidal-gay-man-called-shop/#disqus_thread   If you want a feel-good story that will probably make you cry, then click the link.   I really needed something like this when I came out.  I didn't get it, and it was a very rough time.  Maybe I'll write about it at some point, but not right now - I want to function for the rest of the day.    
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

9

Coronavirus COVID-19

The coronavirus is large and in charge in the news cycles right now. Since I work in healthcare, it's sort of center-stage in my world. I'll say this now - though I work in medicine, I am not an expert in virology or epidemiology. However, I have access to both of those types of experts, and I listen very closely to what they're saying. The overall messaging is: It's likely that there will be a worldwide pandemic. It's likely that there will be a huge disruption of services, due to how many
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

24
Blog

Hope

My husband and I had our first night out in over a year in a physically distanced, but indoor dining situation. We went to a spot we love - a little, intimate place with dark, burnt orangey walls, ferrous-stained concrete floors with these glorious cracks filled with rust, and of course a terrific menu. The servers all wore masks, and all the patrons did too until served. Between courses we masked up again, and were all more than six feet apart from other tables. To add a bit of security, I
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray in Blog

16

Allowed to Break

There are days when you just show up.  Days when you do what you must, hating every iota of effort spent, every word spoken, every interaction.  Days when all you want to do is hide, but you can't. So you straighten your spine, raise your head, put on the expected show.  You - "Fake it till you make it."  Sometimes, a smile at a terrible joke from a coworker is so hard, it feels like you'll crack.  But you know it's expected... so you do it.  When someone asks how you're doing, you have to
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

18

Into the Oaty Unknown

tim shared his Apricot-Almond baked oatmeal recipe, and I thought ... "Yeah, there are eggs, cream and butter in it, but ... the oats and nuts will help with the cholesterol. It should be okay if I don't go crazy and eat half the pan. Okay, let's go to the store for ingredients!" Off I go. I spend forty minutes in total driving there, walking around with my barely acceptable "I don't care" hair, selecting stuff, then driving back home. Once back here, I begin the process of prepping the dri
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

15

Good Things are Coming

"Good Things are Coming" I stared down at the carefully written chalk letters on the sidewalk under my feet.  I was on a walk during my break, and I wondered why someone wrote such a message. I continued on my way. "Good Things are Coming" 'Are they?'  I asked myself as I rounded the corner to head around the block and head back toward my office.  'Are they really?'  It's so hard to be positive sometimes.  I'll admit, I felt a little irritated at the blind, uninformed, and ba
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

19

Week Three Begins

I now have two weeks under my belt, and I'm beginning week three of my workout/meal regimen. I'm still getting used to some things, but it's a lot easier to roll out of bed at 440 than it was when I started. So far I've lost four pounds and gained strength on the bench and under the bar. It's rare for me to do both at once. I am enjoying this combination of routine and meal planning. If you're interested at all, here's what I'm doing. I hid the details behind spoilers ... because, frankly,
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

21

Home

It's a drizzly Friday morning on the northern coast of California.  Banks of low clouds blend into fog blanketing the forests of what has become my home.  Big, brainy, loud ravens shatter the quiet as they bicker at one another in the field beside my work.  Still, I'm amazed by the serenity, peace, and beauty of this place.  I love the green, the fog, the wetness and the cool. I love our trees - the tallest in the world.  Walking among them instills wonder in me, even after thirteen years o
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

12

Here We Go

This week I began a new workout regimen.  I was sick of excuses I make when I can't make it to the gym, so I wanted something I can do anywhere.  No excuses then, right? I planned out a mostly bodyweight routine.  I have simple equipment on hand too - two 35 lb kettlebells,  a yoga mat for when I need to be on the floor, push-up bars to keep my wrists happy, and a pull-up bar above our bedroom doorway.  I'm focusing on increasing the work done in the same span of time.  I am not interested
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

6

Broken, but Good

I started rereading a story I wrote a while back. Camp Refuge is such a keystone for me.  It has so many good things going for it, embedded in a package of terrible mechanics.  I'm going to try and explain what I mean. I began it to help a reader who had written while I was in the process of releasing Guarded on another site.  He was recently diagnosed with HIV, and he was wrecked.  I'll never forget the last two lines he ever wrote to me - "Who could love me now?  Who could possibly l
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

14

Proof of Concept

In Fleeting Eternity, Tad, one of the main characters is an artist.  He drew in a graphic novel style, and he depicted many of his experiences in a sequential way - essentially creating a wordless, "novel" of his life over the span of a few years. So many readers asked if the story was based on something I had read, if there was such a book.  It made me think about the possibilities, and mourn my lack of skill with drawing. I'm nothing if not stubborn, so I thought around the problem. 
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

9

Houseboat Adventure

We’re now on the road, headed back from our house-boating vacation. The first thing we did was load everything onboard, then we got a crash course on not crashing the boat.  After our thirty-minute briefing, we pulled away from the dock and onto the open water of Shasta Lake. Our only goal was to have a good time.  To that end, we tooled along on the beautiful and sunny lake until we found a safe, secluded little inlet. We docked by motoring slowly forward and gently kissing the s
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

11

When Skunks Attack

Last night, I wasn't in the best place.  Introverted, still sort of spinning.  But, wildlife doesn't care about my moods. Our chickens were restless.  It was dusk, and we went out to investigate.  I spied a little skunk - small enough to squeeze between the wire that made up the chicken run trying to hide in the darkness of the run.  So we're out there, trying to get this little confused, scared critter out of our chicken run AND avoid getting sprayed.  Kevin grabs a wire door, to block off
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

10

The Strong One

I've always been the helper - the strong one.   I'm the one people go to, to be heard.  I'm the one people know can handle more.  I carry my load, and then yours, and theirs, and the world's too.   But today, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I feel like there's a band of iron around my chest like the world is crushing me.  There's no reason, and if there's no reason then there's no fix.   There's nobody in my life who I can lean on, simply because I've never asked
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray

7
Blog

Aging My Way

I think I've done it. After literally years of tinkering and trying different workouts, this week is the first time since I've turned forty that I've managed to work out five days in the same week, and not ended up with aching joints. My workout of choice had always been weightlifting. I love lifting so much. Change is dramatic, and you get out of it what you put in. There's nothing easy, and you have to push past your notions of what you can do. It's absolutely a mental challenge as well a
Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray in Blog

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