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Depression: A 21 year odyssey

ashessnow

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It really just sucks the life out of you. To be completely honest, Ive been finding it harder and harder to care about things - and this entry will be a bit scattered and Im sorry for that, but I just had to get my thoughts down.

 

I was pretty close to voluntarily committing myself because of all the issues in my head, but I got over it. But now its back.

 

Ya know that saying, time heals all wounds, or whatever? Well thats bullshit with depression. It doesnt get easier to deal with, it just gets harder. Because all I have is time.

 

Im reminded of Satre, or at least I think it was Sarte, (maybe Camus?) who talked about suicide. He said that there was value in it. Or rather, there was nothing that made it inherently wrong, thus it is not wrong. But we consciously reject it everyday because of our natural curiosity with the world. My issue is that I'm losing my curiosity. i am becoming indifferent. I dont think thats a good thing, so maybe I should find some meds or something.

 

Ignore everything Ive said thus far, Im a bit drunk.

 

I just...its just that life sucks.

 

And dont worry about me - seriously - Im fine. It was just a really crappy day. The anniversary of when I was raped. So yeah - never a good day today.

 

Not very many people know that actually. Well, only one, to be exact.

 

And thats not where the depression comes from, trust me. I was...hahaha...born this way. Depression is something Ive wrestled with long before then, Soon enough I will come out of it though. Thats just how it goes.

 

Ive been chain-smoking again. Not good since I was really close to quitting.

 

And if youre really concerned about me I told my best friend/roommate that he needs to get me to talk to him. Hes at his girlfriends place so that will be my tomorrow. Im not one to ever talk about myself so he knows its important. Just another day.

 

I need to start writing again. (Shameless plug for my story https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ashessnow/theharlequin )

 

Did this help...I dont know. Maybe. But now its 5:46 am and I should get some sleep. Night.

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4 Comments

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Y_B

Y_B 635

Posted

I'm not sure about the physiological state of depression but if you ask me, 90% is perspective and attitude.

 

I've been there, so I know what it's like. But you either quit altogether or make things better. Those are your only two options. If you got problems in your life...welcome to the club. You are your problems but you are also your solutions. Of course I haven't a clue of the context of your life but generally speaking, no, life doesn't suck.

 

It's good to recognize and acknowledge your aren't happy but be careful about getting stuck in a state of pity

TetRefine

TetRefine 2,617

Posted

Hmm, I remember being deeply depressed for a while as a teenager. I kept waiting and waiting for something to just magically happen to pull me out of it. After months of months of throwing a pathetic pitty party for myself, I finally realized something that all depressed people should realize. Very rarely does life just throw you a bone for free. You have to go out and take it for yourself and work to improve your own state of being. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to do you any good and will only perpetuate the problem. So, start working to improve your life, because its the only thing that will end the cycle of depression.

 

Seriously dude, it works. Its hard, its a lot of work, and it may take more then one try, but the alternative is to continue having a shitty life. I've been there before and pulled myself out of the dark depths before, so whats it gonna be?

thatboyChase

thatboyChase 235

Posted

yang bang is right. TLDR: stop being a bitch and make life your bitch and own it, noob. also stop smoking, be healthy you'll feel better also take care of a plant, it really balances one out.

ashessnow

ashessnow 24

Posted

yang bang is right. TLDR: stop being a bitch and make life your bitch and own it, noob. also stop smoking, be healthy you'll feel better also take care of a plant, it really balances one out.

 

Hahaha. Thats the kind of nuanced and sensitive commentary I have come to expect. Thanks!

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