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December into January



I have not exactly been enjoying this month. It has been hard for so many reasons. Forgive me, but this is going to be one of those blogs.


1) My job is hell. I work retail and that alone is hell for anyone who has to do it. However I get the added bonus of working customer service. That is its own special type of hell. I've been told I have ruined people's Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, Honeymoon vacation, and Wedding plans because I couldn't or wouldn't return something. Add in the weird hours and hellishly long hours and things just keep getting worse. I have finally reached the point where I know I need to find something else. I have been applying to both teaching positions and other jobs where my degree might come in handy. Please wish me luck there.


2) Health is not where it should be. This applies both to my father and myself. My father just had his cataract surgery last week. He came through with flying colors but this is just another event in what has been a trying year for his health. I nearly lost him this summer. Regardless of how much we fight, and the fact that half the time I feel three inches tall due to his comments, I still don't wish to see him dead. Add in the issues I've had with my mouth, the plantar's fascia, and my high blood pressure and yeah things aren't going so well for me either. My weight loss has gone to a stand still and basically I'm ready to sit down and cry. Oh well.


3) The school shooting. For six years I lived in Bethel, Connecticut and worked in Danbury. Every chance I got I took the ten minute drive to Newtown to go to the second run theater to catch up on movies or visited friends who lived in Sandy Hook. I returned to Long Island three years ago when my mother passed away and my father's health took a blow. Seeing the tragedy that has struck the area I knew so well is heart breaking. My heart goes out to all those who live and work there. I have friends who are teachers there. I'm blessed that luckily my friends were untouched by the tragedy directly, but will now live forever with this branded on their hearts and in the way the deal with students and families forever more.


4) Depression. This is one of those things that strikes most clearly at this time of the year. Whether it is the first year without someone you love, or the twentieth. Whether it is you being alone, or just feeling that way when surrounded by others. For some it is the dark thoughts that are allowed to run wild and take away the light that is all around them. I have so many friends that is affecting. I worry for them. I hope that if things get bad they can find the strength they need or the help they might to keep fighting and living the life they deserve. I'm dealing with a touch of it, but mine is nothing compared to some I know.


5) A sense of tradition. I don't know how to word this to make it seem kinder. I've never been a tic for tac kind of guy. My birthdays are usually total disasters. I've had to wait for people, had fights, been stood up, and had other issues but this one in a way was the worst. There have always been at least two things I could look forward to on my birthday. One was going out to a restaurant of my choice for either lunch or dinner. The second is a cake. Sometimes it has been homemade, sometimes it was just a cup cake but it was something. I got two gifts this year. One was a gift card and one was cowboy boots with a really large heel. Yeah, boots. I don't mind boots but with my plantar's fascia I was told low or no heels and make sure they don't bend and such. I wasn't even wished a Happy Birthday. The gift was left on my bed when I went to the grocery store. There was no cake and I wasn't taken out for a meal. A friend who was supposed to meet to go out, cancelled. I did get a great gift the day after from a close friend which helped, but as far as I'm concerned that was it, there are no more attempts at celebrating. It is just too painful.


6) Christmas - This has always been my holiday. This year there is no tree. There are barely any decorations. My father doesn't want them. I have gotten gifts from friends. I am stock piling them. I guess because I would like something to open on Christmas. It is also partially because after my birthday this month, well I would like to have something to look forward to for Christmas. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess the idea of being single and having to deal with another holiday isn't going to make me jolly. Instead I came across a picture of me dressed up in a Santa outfit and my mother beside me when I worked in a restaurant years ago, sort of reminding me why it was special and what I am missing. In so many ways I just need this holiday season to be over.


7) The New Year - Well the Mayans say the earth undergoes a major change or end. Depending on who you believe that ending was either last year or this coming Friday. If the world doesn't end then I can honestly say I wish everyone health, love, and support in the new year.




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Wayne, I can't think of anybody who seems to give so much of themselves to others on this site. You are truly special to some people on here. That's the first thing to remember!


Secondly, TAKE some time for yourself. I've seen people look after an elderly and chair bound mother, then quickly followed after a death by an elderly, sick and chairbound brother in law, then after death, her own health failed to the point where she had little or no energy to actually enjoy her life. It's commendable - to the point of sanctity, to be honest. But it's not good for you.


I can't offer a lot of advice on the work front, but I can sympathise. Joe Public is rarely right, and never grateful. How about asking your bosses if you can get off the CS point for a few hours each week, just to go stack shelves. Get back to a place where you can just be, rather than perform the fixed smile.


As to your father, is there no possibility of your local social services providing you with some respite care for a day a week, or perhaps two per month? The difficulty is that you could end up hating him. You could end up doing things you'll not be very proud of. Worse yet, you could end up feeling extremely guilty after he has gone. People are not born simply to work under pressure. They need to have their own lives and self directed impetus. It's important for a person. Think a little more about you for a bit.


I've just been telling KC about cracking his mask over someone's head. I'd suggest you take a high heeled cowboy boot in each hand and wrap them round the ears of the person who gave them to you. That might knock some sense in. Unfortunately I sense it might have been your dad, so ...


The other thins is this: Your plantar's fasciitis is a long term condition which probably (I don't know the American law application) defines as a long standing and continuous condition, which makes it a disability. You should have some protection or support under the ADA, so that you can ask your employers to make reasonable accommodations for you at work. This might be as simple getting you a seat, or more complicated by getting physio, or changing your work routine.


Think about it a bit. But the truth is that only you can initiate the changes necessary. I know it can seem daunting, and even too much to contemplate. But a little short term hassle for a longer term relief is definitely worth it - in the end :)

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Wayne you have a lot of insight into your world, now it is up to you to take concrete steps to bring about the changes you need.  Don't just look for a new job, actively seek one and get the hell out of retail. With your skills and knowledge you know you can make better utilization of your skill sets. 


You are in desparate need of a night on the town to a good restaurant and a concert or show.  Grab a friend, make plans and then just do it.


Big hug. 


And oh by the way, I liked what you said to KC on his recent blog entry.  You are a good friend to him and he too is having a hard time. 


This is a hard time of year for many and as a dad and grandpa I can't imagine the devastating loss the parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles are facing in Newtown.  That the loss is a little more personal for you as you are familiar with the area is another burden in this troublesome year.  


Even my 89 year old mother has called 2012 the year from hell and I think most everyone will be glad to put it behind them. 


Another big hug!

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Wayne, I hear you. I'm in a sort of similar situation with my mum now. She needs so much help right now due to her worsening condition that I practically live with her. That is almost kills my already non-existing social life. I love her but it is so hard, she's not easy to be with. To be honest, I am not either.


I wish you the best in your job hunt and Merry Christmas.

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Hey Wayne


I can truthfully say that you have become a very good friend to me over the last several months.  I try to keep up with your life, and your do need some time for yourself.  Maybe that would have an impact on your health in a good way.


My dad died on the 27th of December, but I make an effort to celebrate Christmas and try to make other's a good one because he absolutely love Christmas and went overboard for me and my four siblings even after we were grown and had children of our own.


So, I know you love your father.   You give him you time and all the care that you can.  But you have to look out for yourself. 

I hope you are successful in finding a new job, because if a job is a huge source of stress, then you certainly don't need it.


Hugs, and hope the New Year brings you great things:)

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Oi Oi Bud

All the very best of luck on the job front. I really do hope that things work out for you as there is nothing worse than having to wake up and force yourself to go to work.

I know that you've had a heck of a lot more downs than ups this year, but the amazing thing about you is that regardless of how much pain you are going through you always manage to reach out and brighten someone's day. I find that ability remarkable Wayne.

I admire you for that skill. Yes I think of it as a skill, as it takes effort and dedication and you've perfected it well. Your ability to put others before yourself is honourable, but sometimes we really do need to be selfish and leave some "me" time. Don't let it bother you that you need to acknowledge this and lean back on others from time to time buddy. It'll help to make things a little more bearable as you journey this difficult road.

The trauma of school shootings must be awful and to think it is a place you know well is horrible. I feel for you as much as for the folk that have had this tragedy unfold in their community. I hope that the pain goes quickly.

Bud take care of yourself. Be good to you. You are needed and special and a great person to many of us.

Take care of you for me buddy.

Yettie huggles and seasons greetings.


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