I have not exactly been enjoying this month. It has been hard for so many reasons. Forgive me, but this is going to be one of those blogs.
1) My job is hell. I work retail and that alone is hell for anyone who has to do it. However I get the added bonus of working customer service. That is its own special type of hell. I've been told I have ruined people's Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, Honeymoon vacation, and Wedding plans because I couldn't or wouldn't return something. Add in the weird hours and hellishly long hours and things just keep getting worse. I have finally reached the point where I know I need to find something else. I have been applying to both teaching positions and other jobs where my degree might come in handy. Please wish me luck there.
2) Health is not where it should be. This applies both to my father and myself. My father just had his cataract surgery last week. He came through with flying colors but this is just another event in what has been a trying year for his health. I nearly lost him this summer. Regardless of how much we fight, and the fact that half the time I feel three inches tall due to his comments, I still don't wish to see him dead. Add in the issues I've had with my mouth, the plantar's fascia, and my high blood pressure and yeah things aren't going so well for me either. My weight loss has gone to a stand still and basically I'm ready to sit down and cry. Oh well.
3) The school shooting. For six years I lived in Bethel, Connecticut and worked in Danbury. Every chance I got I took the ten minute drive to Newtown to go to the second run theater to catch up on movies or visited friends who lived in Sandy Hook. I returned to Long Island three years ago when my mother passed away and my father's health took a blow. Seeing the tragedy that has struck the area I knew so well is heart breaking. My heart goes out to all those who live and work there. I have friends who are teachers there. I'm blessed that luckily my friends were untouched by the tragedy directly, but will now live forever with this branded on their hearts and in the way the deal with students and families forever more.
4) Depression. This is one of those things that strikes most clearly at this time of the year. Whether it is the first year without someone you love, or the twentieth. Whether it is you being alone, or just feeling that way when surrounded by others. For some it is the dark thoughts that are allowed to run wild and take away the light that is all around them. I have so many friends that is affecting. I worry for them. I hope that if things get bad they can find the strength they need or the help they might to keep fighting and living the life they deserve. I'm dealing with a touch of it, but mine is nothing compared to some I know.
5) A sense of tradition. I don't know how to word this to make it seem kinder. I've never been a tic for tac kind of guy. My birthdays are usually total disasters. I've had to wait for people, had fights, been stood up, and had other issues but this one in a way was the worst. There have always been at least two things I could look forward to on my birthday. One was going out to a restaurant of my choice for either lunch or dinner. The second is a cake. Sometimes it has been homemade, sometimes it was just a cup cake but it was something. I got two gifts this year. One was a gift card and one was cowboy boots with a really large heel. Yeah, boots. I don't mind boots but with my plantar's fascia I was told low or no heels and make sure they don't bend and such. I wasn't even wished a Happy Birthday. The gift was left on my bed when I went to the grocery store. There was no cake and I wasn't taken out for a meal. A friend who was supposed to meet to go out, cancelled. I did get a great gift the day after from a close friend which helped, but as far as I'm concerned that was it, there are no more attempts at celebrating. It is just too painful.
6) Christmas - This has always been my holiday. This year there is no tree. There are barely any decorations. My father doesn't want them. I have gotten gifts from friends. I am stock piling them. I guess because I would like something to open on Christmas. It is also partially because after my birthday this month, well I would like to have something to look forward to for Christmas. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess the idea of being single and having to deal with another holiday isn't going to make me jolly. Instead I came across a picture of me dressed up in a Santa outfit and my mother beside me when I worked in a restaurant years ago, sort of reminding me why it was special and what I am missing. In so many ways I just need this holiday season to be over.
7) The New Year - Well the Mayans say the earth undergoes a major change or end. Depending on who you believe that ending was either last year or this coming Friday. If the world doesn't end then I can honestly say I wish everyone health, love, and support in the new year.