Increasing body counts vs. long-term relationship

[Kileoli]

Travelling to new places, is one of the most common situation to explore the boundaries, do something new, or just try the same things with new people.  It can be totally fun to expand your sexual portfolio as long as you are single and play it safe. 

But what if you are already in some kind of relationship, are you still going to play but keep it a secret? Are you going to try something together? Or are you already in that kind of relation that is everything open and doable?

So we have been considering finding people who wants to explore the horizon. At first we looked for anyone willing to play with us together, after no success, we decided to play alone since we had different definition of who we want to play with anyway. 

To be honest, the whole idea came from me after I heard the word " body count". Overhearing it from two teenagers in the Boulder gym, I thought at first it was about how many people they had shot during some game, when my husband explained the meaning, I felt extremely unusual compared to that boy talking about his  twenty something body count to my one.

Thinking if we go with the stereotype gay guy in Europe, reaching a hand full of body count till the age of 40 is no big deal, which makes me a total outlier. 

As I was packing my luggage and adding a few extras for a possible meeting, I asked myself is it really what I/ we want? What am I really looking for? Is it really worth it? What if it messes up our 10+ years of relationship we worked hard to make it function? 

 

[Zombie]

1 hour ago, Kileoli said:

What if it messes up our 10+ years of relationship we worked hard to make it function? 

if this is based on your mutual love for each other, and honesty, and openness and full communication with each other on everything you think and do, then why not?

[Kileoli]

16 minutes ago, Zombie said:

if this is based on your mutual love for each other, and honesty, and openness and full communication with each other on everything you think and do, then why not?

That's where the problem starts. I can claim with lots of negotiation and discussion around we have the honesty,openness and so on.

The thing is he knows what he wants and I know what I don't want ( which is exactly what he has in mind). Then I have this unanswered question of how things could be with another guy. Do I really need it, not really. 

So the perverted part of my brain says go for it, why not when he knows. The other part of my brain says " do not mess up a running system." What if something happens and one of you starts hiding things?

So is it weird to freak out and say forget the whole suggestion or let things happen.

And let's not get the head without the brain involved, his answer is clear 😂

 

[Zombie]

21 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

why not when he knows

that’s not enough

I used simple words - love, honesty, openness, communication - but their meanings are anything but simple

unless both you and your partner have complete, mutual certainty about these then you shouldn’t 

But… never underestimate the power of desire

That’s why these words are so important

[Jason Rimbaud]

8 hours ago, Kileoli said:

As I was packing my luggage and adding a few extras for a possible meeting

If that is indeed your luggage, I don't see any undies, so you are already behind the eightball!

8 hours ago, Kileoli said:

Thinking if we go with the stereotype gay guy in Europe, reaching a hand full of body count till the age of 40 is no big deal, which makes me a total outlier. 

Truthfully, I don't think body counts matter. How many or how few? Nor do I think its healthy to worry that you have been missing out due to your lack of partners. 

However....I have two friends who are in an open relationship, let's call them M and F. It wasn't M's idea, but they have been open for almost two years. F had a very traumatic incident when he was younger that all but killed his sex drive. And the older he got, the more it manifested itself into a complete lack of interest. M has a high sex and F began to feel his lack of interest was causing problems in their marriage. So he suggested opening it up so M could experience sex.  

They worked out a series of rules and then redefined them as issues came up. Until they settled on five rules that worked. 

According to both of them, they are better now, that F no longer feels pressure to satisfy M. M is getting that biological need fulfilled, and they are actually going out on dates again. For them, it did wonders. 

I think people put too much importance on sex and monogamy. I've had sex with lots of people but never found the intimacy I've found with my husband just sitting next to one another. 

So if you are wanting to open it up, and your partner seems in agreement, I'd suggest rules, and then be safe but have some fun. 

 

[Kileoli]

3 hours ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

that is indeed your luggage, I don't see any undies, so you are already behind the eightball!

That is indeed my luggage, I thought it would have taken way too many prompts to get a picture of what I wanted so I just took a photo. In the end I didn't take the whole box of condoms since my husband was like " what would your colleagues think about you?!"😂

And I do have undies on the right side, left corner bottom. I can't survive 12 hours of scientific crap without my balls falling off 😂

[Kileoli]

17 hours ago, Zombie said:

never underestimate the power of desire

That was/ is my biggest fear. But you're right. With proper communication things should be fine 

[Kileoli]

10 hours ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

I think people put too much importance on sex and monogamy. I've had sex with lots of people but never found the intimacy I've found with my husband just sitting next to one another. 

So if you are wanting to open it up, and your partner seems in agreement, I'd suggest rules, and then be safe but have some fun.

Finally I got time to answer while freezing on the train station.

Thanks a lot @Jason Rimbaud for your thoughts and the story of your friends.

Your intimacy comment was the best.

Now that I'm thinking about it I'm totally fine with just being with one person, honestly if it wasn't for him and his crazy ideas I could have ended in some creepy straight relationship or more probably dead so I guess I really don't need to try it with another guy, I doubt I'll gain more data or fun than I currently have. So im not going to actively look for anyone besides I read gay bars in Japan are not that great either.

As for my husband, since he's on the other side of the gay spectrum, he wants to try it with a woman ( and include me too). I don't need to try. So I'm gonna take you and @Zombies advice, stay in an open communication, set the rules together and let him have fun alone.

Thanks again for your thoughts, sometimes one need to say things loud to find the solution he already knows. 😂

 

[Kileoli]

Cheating, leading on or simply not saying the whole truth?

After five days in Japan, I have met a bunch of interesting guys. The Japanese are actually very friendly although their English is horrible. So it's almost impossible to have nice conversations and not type things on the phone for translation. The culture is still very different. I can say they are more open to sex than Europe, they see it as something totally natural as long as you keep it to yourself and don't show it in public.

So I decided to stop being a prude and try my chances before the husband is here. So today I texted Masa, the guy I met bouldering , and asked him to meet me at the climbing gym again. To my surprise he accepted. He came a bit later because in Japan most people start pretty late, around 10 and stay till 6 pm. We climbed a bit together and chatted about random things. His English was not as good as I thought and he was way younger than I remembered. He suggested to climb till 10 and then go drink together, the Japanese like going out drinking, but I told him I had my talk early morning but maybe we can meet at weekend. I don't know why but I didn't feel like telling him my husband will be there too. At some point he asked if he could take a photo with me, and to be honest he got really close. We hanged out some more and we really had fun encouraging and challenging each other. Just short before leaving, I asked him if he had Whatsapp so I could text him easier. Obviously it's not something popular here. So when he finally texted me and I told him where I was staying he said he lived not that far and we could hang out at his place being all alone tonight. So I had that feeling there was a good chance that something more could happen. That's when I thought do I really want something more happen. I mean I still had time for an hour or two for him to show me his place.

But when my phone vibrated showing a message from R, saying he was getting on the plane, i thought no, I don't want to explore so I showed Masa my profile picture saying they were my two daughters and my husband. Suddenly he looked very sad. I guess if I had said that was my wife and she's not here so let's have fun he could have lived with it. 

Although I disappointed Masa, he still texted me later saying we could meet at his place on the weekend. So I'm not sure he really understood that my husband will be here tomorrow.

On the way back to hotel i called R and told him about Masa. He said he thought I had already told the poor guy the first time and asked if I didn't have my ring on. ( Something I never have when climbing). For a second I thought was he jealous?! Because after that he was like just wank tonight, we can have hot sex tomorrow. 😂

So thanks to @Jason Rimbaud I made a video for R, doing exactly what he asked and sent him. I hope the police does not arrest him for having porn on his phone 🤣

I guess I'm totally fine with my body count. I really look forward to seeing R and exploring Japan together. And I have a feeling we will probably argue the first two hours but I don't care, make up sex is always good.

[Jason Rimbaud]

3 hours ago, Kileoli said:

So thanks to @Jason Rimbaud I made a video for R,

So Jason Rimbaud & I made a video for R.  

 

There, I fixed it for you.   

[Kileoli]

1 hour ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Jason Rimbaud & I made a video for R.  

No, no, no! I have delete that video not that R takes the flight to San Francisco instead of Osaka!

But thanks for the good sex. 🤣🤣