As I start my long weekend of reading and writing due to the labor day holiday, I've hit upon something I should have done a long time ago, but I feel like I never could do, I want to say "I'm sorry".

Confession is good for the soul and after thinking things over, I've got to confess my soul:

As an author, I've been at GA for many years without a single great hit or an ugly negative story, as a gay man I have been out for 4 years without having a stable relationship for more than 3 months, and as a blogger, I've only recently began to use my blog for more than a few political swipes and rants. There's a lot of things I've done wrong over the years, some out of good reason and others out of conviction for things I strongly believed in at a given time.

While re-reading Jeff Allen's stories recently, I was hit by an epiphany; I've been a horrible friend and horrible gay man. People say, I'd make a great father, if I ever have kids, because I pay close attention to the needs of others, but give them the space to be their own person. My ex-boyfriends thought that was my best quality, being caring without being clingy, but I also have a very ugly nature, I was far too quick to reaction and too slow for the realizations. I am not a rash guy by any means, but I am guy who sizes up a situation on the spot and make quick choices without thinking of anyone else, kind of a paradox in my nature. The older I get the better I am at controlling the worst parts of my personality; if it is a good thing, I am spontaneous, if it is bad, I am unpredictable.

In high school, I let my frustrations get ahead of my reality; I could not beat people up, but I did watch bullying of friends and not react. In one case, I allowed a gay guy I knew to be pushed all the way to suicide, because I wasn't ready to deal with "it". It's kind of funny, I've gotten into fights when people try to bully me due to my disability, a few guys probably still have bite marks on their arms, but I never had the conviction to be proactive defender.

I'm not a coward by any stretch of the imagination; I just don't know how to focus my need to fight for myself into a need to fight for others even when we share many of the same qualities. When I read gay stories about these kinds of kids from my past, I realize that I've always idolized the gay champions and the great crusaders, because they had something worth fighting for, even dying for if that's the case, but with me, I skirt away from fights that don't involve me. As a gay kid, I was a hypocritical closet case. I never really admitted that to myself, but I probably should have. While I idolized fictional heroes, I never did live up to it.

In college, I was a better person overall; especially after the guilt from high school grew on me. I made a lot of friends and went to parties, but College for me wasn't the idealistic vision that my dreams had thought they'd be. It was greater freedom and I had my first real gay experience, but I was also just as alone with my fights. Being a Business student, I joined the Republican party and easily rose up the ranks to Vice chair. I basically took care of a lot of intra-campus organizing stuff, like working with Bible study guys and the alumni network, along with several other groups including the Democrats when we had our annual debates. The LGBT group had approached me to organize a forum with them, but I never brought it to an open vote, it was actually a non-executive member who did. I knew the end results would be that no olive branch could ever be made between us and an LGBT group, especially with students from rust belt and southern states being vocally opposed. The vote was 20 against -13 for - 7 abstain, I was among the 7 abstainers. I am an operational political mind, I know where the votes will likely go and don't believe in fighting a lost cause. Also, only a few close friends knew I was gay, while I was ready to open up that can of worms and did eventually during my last year, I just wanted to keep that chip for a bigger fight or something worth sacrificing for. That was another thing I want to apologize for, because I lack the courage to fight the small battles when I keep pushing back until I could fight for a big one.

The guy who organized that vote was called a RINO and a lot of bad names, including a few homosexual epithets. I don't know if he was gay, but I sure did feel guilty again. He dropped out of school a few months later. I did put down my chips on something big, left them with a warning to my successor "you can't let our "allies" be dictating positions for us, because one day this party will go into civil war due to the excesses of idealism". I've never believed like many of them in the "exceptional principles". I believe in practical principles and operational efficient concepts. I am a Bismark/Burke Conservative, not a Ayn Rand or Ron Paul, or Goerge Bush or Rick Perry.

I've done bad things in between those two events, too, but my crimes are always crimes of neglect and convenience.

Reading those stories again has opened up some old wounds for me, I never lived up to the fictional characters I loved, never protected a "brother" when the gay bashers were on him, never spoke out against injustice when I had the ability, and never took a fight on when I didn't lack courage. I could easily hide behind ignorance as a defense for my actions, cowardice even, but I wasn't stupid or afraid; I just didn't choose to fight despite what I knew and what I believed in my heart.

For all of those things, I am sorry...