2015 kicked my ass, but I've now come to realize I'm better for it. I lost my job, had very little money, and I could see my relationship of 6 years crumbling. So I did what just about every gay man in his 20s does to cope, and turned to partying and Grindr to help me get away from it all. Predictably, it all ended in disaster that even a blind man could have seen coming. I knew it was coming too, but didn't want to face it. To make a long story short, by Christmas I was single for the first time in my adult life and left living alone in an apartment that had been a symbol of so much hope for the future. I guess it all culminated in a weekend trip to NYC with a friend that ended up amplifying everything I had been doing wrong in my life, and by the end of that trip I came to realize that substance-fueled all night parties and anonymous sex weren't going to make my life better. I decided to get my shit together.

My first realization was that I needed to become totally self-reliant. I had given up a lot of what I wanted after graduating college for my Ex to better pursue his career for the promise that it would help us both out in the long term. Then that all ended, and I had given up a lot to gain nothing. That made me bitter for awhile, but I got over it and become determined to never let that happen again. I started creating a life for my single self that catered to me and me only. It was a liberating feeling knowing that I could make any decision I wanted with nobody but myself in mind. If I wanted to just pack up and leave for somewhere else, I could (and I seriously considered doing it a couple times). I also picked up a few new hobbies, and one of those was running. I made it a point to myself that I wanted to run a 1/2 Marathon. I trained my ass off for months and two weeks ago I finished my first Half Marathon and have already signed up for another. The gym has also been another place I have recommitted myself to with a level of focus and intensity I haven't given it in years. The results have been dramatic, and the preparation and focus and dedication that running and the gym require have helped keep me away from the mentally destructive crap I was doing before.

As for dating again, I pledged to myself that I was going to be single for a long time. Finding someone could wait, and I was going to enjoy my 20s as a free man. It took me awhile, but I realized that attitude for myself was more based in anger and frustration at what I had lost then being something that I truly wanted. I've been dating now again for the past several months (almost by accident) and it has definitely been a big positive in my life. My new job will also be starting in the fall, and I'm excited because it pays a lot more, has more perks/benefits, and gives me a larger scope of responsibility and independent work.

Another new thing that I've decided to try (and again this happened almost by accident), is nude modeling. My boyfriend now does nude modeling from time to time, and he took me to meet the photographer he works with. I had no plans of ever doing something like this, ever. We went to go visit him in his studio, and he started showing me all his work. He does entirely traditional black and white film and shoots pretty much exclusively with muscular men of color (Black, Asian, Latino). He then brought up the subject of possibly doing a shoot with me, which was kind of surprising for me considering I was a white guy. I thought about it, and initially rejected the idea, but it was tempting. After a few weeks of thinking it over, I changed my mind and went to go see the photographer. Basically, his idea is to do a 3-way shoot with myself (white), my boyfriend (Asian), and another random guy (black) and theme it around gay racial politics and sexual power and how the two intersect. The idea fascinated me and I he had me hooked. I had to strip naked for the photographer for him to examine me, and tell me what I needed to improve before the shoot. Most of the guys he shoots have a very specific look being very cut and having defined musculature. If you've ever seen me, you know I have much more of a beefy muscular build, and hover around 15% body fat, not single digit % like most of his models. He said that was fine though because my build plays into the role he wants me to play for the shoot. He did give me some things to work on though, mainly cutting more so my abs are more defined. I'm excited because now I have a tangible goal to work towards in the gym and kitchen. My life works well when I have concrete goals set for myself in every-day living. This is something I never thought I'd do, but I'm at the point now where I'm craving new things in my life.

Anyways, I'm hoping to keep my winning streak going. Hoping and praying and wondering about a better future is all bullshit. You gotta take it for yourself. It took me a long time to learn that lesson, but now that it's finally hit me, I see the infallible truth of it.