Prompt #526 may become a one-shot from me soon, but for now it serves as a perfect way to start my stream of consciousness today.

“Damn, where the hell am I supposed to go now?”

I have no idea where I'm supposed to go. None at all. I still haven't found a full-time job. I'm lost and beginning to lose hope for my career prospects. Which I suppose makes me like most millennials. I've definitely given up hope for finding a teaching position where I live right now. Biggest city in the province and there's no jobs. Strange how that works out, isn't it? But, I have an interview on Tuesday! A teaching job, even! Full-time, in my subject area!

What's the catch, you might ask?

The job's about 750 kilometers away, as the crow flies. Or about 1180 kilometers as the car drives.
That's about 462 miles or 733 miles, respectively. My high school community had more people in it than this whole 'city'. Which is fine. I've never lived in a place that small before, but I think I can adjust.

It's a foot in the door... right?

It's more than I thought I'd get or deserve, and part of me is waiting to fuck up the interview anyways. The other part of my mind is quick to point out that if they had *anyone* else, they'd have given the job to them. They're desperate. I'm desperate. It's a horrible match made in hell, and yet it might just work for everyone.

It's not how I thought my teaching career would start. That's for sure. I thought I'd be a substitute for a couple years. Pay my dues. Instead I'm getting close to a dream job. It's my subject and the classes are small and there's a real need for people to come up there and teach. I could make a real difference, especially since it's an area with a substantial First Nations population. I want to make a difference, so it's a great fit for me.

Except I don't know if I can do it. I actually wanted to be a sub for a couple years to give me a chance to build some more/new lesson plans. Perfect my technique a bit and see what other teachers were doing before I had a class of my own. Now here I am, potentially being thrown to hundreds of teenage wolves (not like the show Teen Wolf AT ALL, just sayin'.) Part of me is terrified beyond all belief that I'll fuck things up and make it impossible for these kids to get a proper education in the future. Or I'll turn them off learning and they'll drop out. That's not the difference I want to make with kids.

I suppose my other worry is more personal than professional.

I have nothing up there in DC. Literally nothing. At this point, I don't even have a place to rent prepared for me yet. That's how little I have ready for myself and the potential move I'd be making. It's a mind-numbing thought, and I've grown accustomed to a support network. I'm 26 years old and lived at home my whole life... do I really think I'd be able to survive on my own? Could I do the day-to-day things that make a household run without someone else to do it, or would I crash and burn and make a total fool of myself?
I'd miss people. People important to me... people I love. I don't know what I would do without some of the people in my life and being able to see them every day. I'm always telling people that nothing lasts forever. It's a Buddhist view, the idea of impermanence, and it's very pragmatic. I even convince myself that I believe in it sometimes... but the truth is I believe in forever. There's such a thing as happily ever after. As loving someone until you die and beyond the grave itself. I'm giving up on that, potentially. Is that selfish or stupid? This is my career. Love can come after... but then what's the point of anything if there's no one there to share your victories and your defeats with you?

I'm not particularly religious, though I do consider myself spiritual, after a fashion... if anything or anyone has guidance, I would hear it. I don't know what to do.

I hate not knowing what to do.