Husband comes home tomorrow. It's been a long time, and it seems like forever since I wrote to tell you all he was leaving. Home tomorrow, and it stills feels like forever away. I have to get through another long night with the bed cold and empty next to me until Dashi jumps up onto it and snugs so hard into my shoulder he practically pushes me out. Another morning walking with the Goblin strapped to my back, trying to convince the teething Goblin to eat breakfast. One more moment when I will get up, get out of the house, and pretend I'm totally fine.

Because that's what I've been doing.

"I'm fine." These are my default words, my automatic reply setting. I hate people asking me how I am, because I might tell them, and that's not the kind of person I am.

I think my best moment over the past three weeks was finally getting the double height wall which goes up our stairs painted. It is bright lemon yellow, and the deep inside edge around the window is gold. It reflects the light beautifully, but I tonally matched the colours well enough that it's not glaring and crass.

Worst moment? Oh, that's easy. I call it Tuesday morning. Goblin had a bad night, I didn't sleep. We'd had Young Sir's one year health check the previous day with a woman I hate, who I feel always judges me for my parenting style, which is somewhere between the way I treat the dog, and how I am generally. I'll snuggle and blow raspberries with my son, but when he tries to sit up under the table and bumps his head, I just shrug and go "Well, that's how he'll learn." The woman doing the check wanted to talk the whole time about Cris being away, and wanted to let me know there was help for me. I don't need her damn help. I have friends for that (and they've been amazing).
So back to Tuesday:

• Got to work.
• Got asked 8 times if I was OK.
• Failed three times to print a damn picture I needed to give my students lesson 1 .
• Got asked by my boss if was OK, and snapped at him. got a shirty reply that he was just 'being polite'. Felt like a dick afterwards.
• Snapped in reprographics when said images failed to print AGAIN!
• Realised I had three product analysis lessons and had to products to analyse because I hadn't been out to get them, what with being super tired and having to take Goblin to childminders and Dashi to kennels.
• My head of House Nick came in to ask me something desperately unimportant about chickens while I was super busy dealing with my lessons and trying to rejig the scheme of work. He asked if there was anything he could do. My reply "Unless you can magic up some more hours where I can get some damn sleep and not be the only person worrying about my son, then no!" and then I cried. I cried in front of my Head of House. and he's a nice guy and all, but I do not want to be that person. I don't want anyone I work with to think I can't cope. I trade on being the one people go to because whatever else is going on, you know you can always throw Sasha five more tasks, and everything will always get done.
• and by this time, it was only 8.32am
  

So yeah, I know when my worst moment was. Easily.

People have told me for the last three weeks to make the most of Cris being away and do all the things I can't normally. I don't understand this, we don't have secret single behaviours. We've been together since we were 18, so everything we do we can do together, apart, separately and in the same room etc etc.
what the one thing that's different? I can watch porn without headphones on. (No, we're not one of those couples who share porn, we like different things).

I'm so ready for him to come home.

Hurry home babe, your boys miss you.