Did you know you can be seized with a lethargy? You can, it's an archaic noun, but you can be.
I have been.
Things had been going along great guns for a while. Started taking Natural Calm. Suddenly i was sleeping ... all night ... What a difference not being tired makes. I felt calm, i felt happy. I went to the shrink for my weekly visit. He was happy. A couple of weeks ago he reduced my meds. He said that likely in the New Year we could reduce my visits a lot.
Then this week happened. Michael and i had issues over treatment of my knee problems. I felt myself sinking until Wednesday i didnt want to go home after work. So i didn't. I went to see my nephew. I was frustrated enough with my Husband and home, that i didn't tell anyone where i was going. I didn't care.
I knew i had to come back. i didn't have my hiv meds with me and i know what messing them up could mean. i knew Michael would be worried. He'd call everyone he knew, call hospitals, call the police pals he has ... He called them all. He called our nephew, who just didn't answer for awhile. He spoke to friends on GA.
One of them i was talking to on Hangouts when Michael emailed him. So, after some talking, i called home.
My Husband, while not perfect, is a good man. He can see his imperfections and mine. He knows usually what battles to pick. He will never abandon me, no matter what.
I needed Him and He got in the Jeep and drove downtown to pick me up. If He was angry, He never showed it.
But that was not the end of my lethargy. It stuck with me. While not suicidal, i wished i could be, i was so sick of me. I do not have the balls for that.
This morning i went to the shrink. I told him all of the above. I showed him my diary.
He said you need to learn to deal with your moods. He said it is not abnormal to feel down, even for a few days.
I told him i don't care about writing. He said i'm not interested in what you don't care about. Tell me what you do care about. i talked awhile about that.
He said, "Go home and think about where you head is. Think about what you want, what you love, and who you love. Sit there and wallow for a few hours but then you get up and go bake something, or cook something. Write something, go back to your roots. You are able now to pull yourself out of the trough."
So i came home. I wallowed ... i wrote a couple of poems. I made coffee and ate two poached eggs.
i decided, as i watched the weather turn to crap, that i can do this thing.
Not perfectly, and not alone; never that. But i can do this thing called life.