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No way to describe it


This was supposed to be a good day. It's a Saturday, I only had to work a few hours and I got to go to the movies with Taylor and 4 of our friends. It was just a guy thing. Later we were going to meet up at Taylors and party and kick it in the pool even though it rained here.

Well, when I got home and logged on to GA to see if there was any news about Green, I suddenly felt like I got punched in the belly. I'm sure most of you know by now, and it's probably the worst thing I've read. I want to go to the topic about him and post, but I don't really know what to say because I'm so sorry doesn't seem like it helps anyone.

So I went into Live Chat to see how everyone was and in about 2 minutes, I was crying and had to leave the room. I usually don't talk about my emotions too much, but it was all too much for me. I just can't find a reason why it had to happen. I've thought about it and prayed about it and talked to Taylor about it, and part of me understands that everything in this world happens for a reason, and God's will and His plan is what it is. My mother died and it was God's plan. I was born gay and it was God's plan. That doesn't make this any easier.

So for a few moments, I thought about my online life and what it really means. I mean, I used to say that there were only a few people who I knew from online that I really cared about, but maybe I'm wrong. For that few moments after I left Live Chat, I thought about taking the advice of the people who voted in my poll for me to leave the forum and asking Myr to delete my account so that if this happens again, I wouldn't know about it and I wouldn't feel any kind of pain.

To be honest, this is the first time someone from a forum I belong to has passed away. I didn't ever stop to think about it, but Taylor reminded me that we're all human. Even though we just have screen names here and on AOL or whatever you use, we're all still people and someday we all die. I guess that's just a risk we take when we get close to people online, and even though Green wasn't someone I knew really good, he was still part of the GA family and now he's gone.

Then I had to stop and think about his family and about Chaz. I mean, what now??? I don't even want to think about losing Taylor, and Green's mom and dad and even his no good brother lost him too. Also, there's all of his friends that we've read about in his blog. What about them?? I just wonder if it's really a good idea to let myself get too involved in the forums and in Live Chat.

We lost a brother today here at GA, and it's not going to be the same here without him. Maybe Green doesn't get to see this entry, but I hope that he knew how important he was to Gay Authors and all of it's members. To Chaz, I know you've read this a lot of times already, but I'm really sorry. That's all I have to say now, because if I keep going, I might cry again.

 

 

 

Nick

6 Comments


Recommended Comments

WatchPatRun

Posted

Nick-

 

I understand that you're upset about Green having his life taken from him so abruptly, and I know you don't understand why it happened but listen to me, please. No matter where you go, or who you get to know; eventually everyone passes away. There's no escaping such a thing, and leaving the forum will not prevent this from happening again. I believe that Green was taken for the sole purpse that he was a great person who did outstanding things. He went out of his own way to make others feel comfortable because that was just his true nature. The lords works in mysterious ways; never the less he works in ways that will benifit the greater picture in life. Sure we've lost someone we love and that will never be replaced; but out of every loss we gain something, too. So please don't leave and just remember what you said; you care about everyone here as family. Why would you leave that? God bless and I hope you feel better

 

Pat

Tim the Traveller

Posted

:hug:

 

 

Nick I won't lie to you. Life's a bitch, then you die.

 

 

But you make the most of what you have while your here. Sure you can retreat from people(online, offline), but people are also our lifelines. We can get close to many or few, but the pain when one leaves is always gonna be there, and it is even worse when there is no one to hold you up.

 

We love you here, and would be devastated if you pushed us away for something that might and eventually will happen to any or all of us at any given moment.

 

 

 

Granted i'm in no frame of mind to really say anything at all, but just wanted you to know you are loved here by many people. Again, :hug:

rekop1

Posted

Hi Nick

 

 

When I saw that Chaz had posted the Green and David where in a car accident I immediately posted that info in the forum. I did the same thing when I got home from work I would check to see if he improved any. When I saw Chaz last comment, yeah tears came out of nowhere. The main reason I joined the GA was because of Green and Dom Luka, I was reading one of Greens stories at nifty shortly after that I found one of Dom Luka

Xiang_Xiang

Posted

:hug:

 

...part of me understands that everything in this world happens for a reason, and God's will and His plan is what it is. My mother died and it was God's plan. I was born gay and it was God's plan. That doesn't make this any easier.

 

Dear Nick,

 

I do understand what you are feeling now because I suffered from the same thing as well. Since I lost my boyfriend, I have never stopped thinking of him and his everything. You were right that we cannot decide when we want to die. It just happened. We cannot control it. The only thing we can do is to face the truth and move on our lives. It will be really painful at the beginning; however, I do believe this pain won't disappear forever, but it will decrease.

 

Then I am really sorry about Green. :,( It is really hard to describe my feelings to Chaz. I cannot believe that he just suffered what I suffered two years ago.

 

Is life just like what Tim say?

Life's a bitch, then you die.

 

I would say 'yes' two years ago because I was quite angry and sad. However, I realised that it all depends on what you think of your life. We will still remember the people we love, but we still need to make our lives better because we have the ability to do it. We cannot give ourselves up and let the bitch life destroy us. Nick, you are still very young; in theory, you will have a lot of time to experience a lot of things. THAT IS LIFE.

 

Do take care, Nick.

 

Colin

swoop67

Posted

Hey Nick,

 

I am sorry that you have lost a person you cared about. Life is hard that way.

 

I do know that you taught me that it is worth the pain we go thru to let people into our lives and let that wall down.

 

My sympathies go out to his family and friends.

 

Bret

Mark_l

Posted

:hug:

 

It is strange how easily you feel for people online that maybe you never even spoke to but you said it well, he was part of the GA family and that is enough reason to feel his loss and feel for Chaz and his family. But I hope you don't shut people here out.

 

Mark

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