This is less a blog than a straight up rant.

As many here on GA, I've been struggling finding my place in the world while trying not to be a complete asshole to everyone around me. 

I've heard about a few methods of madness from life coaches, inspirational speakers, and psychologists about the importance of gratitude...of being grateful for what you currently have. I've also noticed that the more upset I am, the less I focus on feeling grateful. For example:

Yesterday, I was called out and shamed in front of my boss by a frazzled co-worker overwhelmed with work after having returned from vacation for a week (which I helped cover for her). My embarrassment was greater than indignant anger all day long. I thought "Why would she think I have not been trying to help her? Am I not doing enough?" So, I did my best to "fix" her concerns and tried to mitigate things that way. 

Girl was still stewing in anger hours later. I don't know if she was listening to my suggestions on how to try to get ahead of the work or if she was too busy wallowing in "I'm the only person that does any work around here." 

And then our boss, which was right there, didn't even bother to pacify her or defend me, having seen me covering for that coworker all week on top of my own duties. It was just the definition of toxic, and wholly unnecessary. All of it could have been resolved with one follow up email asking for an update on the tasks (which I could prove I had done twice over). Considering it was also during the week that we lost 3 staff members (not just one), I prioritized more important things. 

I did feel some anger long after the fact, on my commute back home. I understood where all the stress was coming from and how overwhelmed both my coworker and boss are and have been. But they are not the only members of the department. Antagonizing me is not to their benefit whatsoever, they will be down yet another team member. Then, she had the audacity to say the words "stay until five to get the work done" when she shows up 2 hours late in the day most days?  I get a good chunk of my work done before 9am when I can start making some calls (most places aren't even open until 9am).  

I've been trying to teach myself how to feel and let go things in the moment rather than let them continue to roll out of hand or to bottle them up. I think I've been doing relatively okay with feelings like despair and sadness. I am still working on figuring out how to manage anger. But to know that embarrassment and shame are stronger than anger or sadness for me is shocking.  

And then I behaved like my people pleasing self, stopping whatever tasks I was working on to "fix" whatever loose ends they were talking about. Despite knowing that the tasks I was working on were more important. It's like I betrayed myself? 

But then I think, even if I was prepared with a way to defend myself and showed all of the paper receipts I had (because I did do what was asked, twice), it would not have been enough. The results would have still been the same. I'd have been gaslighted, manipulated, and ignored just the same. 

I keep forgetting it's not your skills and expertise that promote you in the US, it's who you know and who has your back. Corporate games are always rigged against the low income, non-white. How you present yourself is always more important than your education and talent. 

There isn't a day I didn't wish I had a best friend or family member in Canada I could move in with.