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He really hates me

AFriendlyFace

Entry posted by AFriendlyFace

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...I didn't realize that until tonight.

 

So everyone remember the friend former friend who ended our relationship coldly and completely with a letter? Well, it sucked alot, and it hurt like hell, as I'm sure you've all gathered from my blogs. It didn't help that the events transpired while I was physically as sick as I've been in years, and shortly before I quit my job and broke up with my boyfriend. In fact I think there's some old adage somewhere about striking someone with your foot while they're already in the prone position that might apply here. No matter, I got over it.

 

I went through a great deal of Sh*+ during that period of time, but I survived and I'll be damned if I'm not healthier, happier, and more secure in my other relationships than I was prior to it all. I did the whole, shocked-sad-angry thing; then I accepted it. At this point I can truthfully say he rarely enters my thoughts unless someone else brings him up, and even in those instances in which he does, they are immediately followed by a slightly wistful, but very much dismissive "oh well".

 

So, I just sorta thought it was over. I just figured "okay, so he's out of my life now". Only he isn't. He's damn well making people I care about, one in particular, sad because of our old issues.

 

The way he justified this whole break in our relationship was, "before things get bad and we hurt each other and our mutual friends..." He was exceedingly clear on the point that he intended to be pleasant when our paths were forced to cross because of similar social circles and recreational activities. And silly me I took him on his word. Fast forward two and a half months later, and I couldn't care less about what he does, where he does it, or who he does it with. I'm completely comfortable going to parties, clubs, meetings, and any other events at which he might be present. I'd be fine if someone said, "how about if the two of us, X, Y, Z, and {him}, all go grab some dinner and watch a movie?"

 

For the most part I thought he was there too. But he's not. Tonight I had a very long, emotional conversation with my best friend (yes the one I blogged about who mentioned "what if we were dating?") about how upset he is that he can't hang out with both of us together. How much his friendship with the other guy has suffered since all of this happened. etc, etc. I guess I shoulda known that. I mean we're together alot so logically I should have realized that he mustn't be spending very much time with the other guy, but I suppose I sorta blocked that out, or just ignored it as "none of my business anymore".

 

It all came up because he's planning a party for Monday, and we were thinking up a guest list. Naturally he said, "but I want X to come". So of course I said, "so invite him". "He wouldn't come because he knows you'll be there" And so the conversation went...Turns out he's been declining all sorts of invitations and avoiding all sorts of events because I'll be there. We all go to one particular thing every month (the same get together I described earlier in that other blog entry), and I thought that was going pretty well. I was proud of how well we were doing. So I asked, "what about that?" And that's when I found out that his stance is "I already have to see Kevin once a month, so I'm certainly not going to hang out with him anymore than that". :blink:

 

And I feel sorry for the bastard. I can well imagine that the more he isolates himself, and stews on it all the more angry, hurt, and resentful he gets. I also felt bad because the last time he ended up sitting by himself while the rest of the group sat with me. I even said to my two closest friends "maybe one of you should go and sit with him". I don't want him to feel left out. More than that, I don't want the others to feel like they have to "choose". And basically I guess that did happen. The more we discussed it, and the more my friend rattled off a list of people that were affected by all of this the more I realized I was able to mentally go, "his friend, my friend, his friend, my friend, etc. etc."...they used to just be our friends. I was elated last night to run into and spend time with one person I haven't seen since "the letter", who, to be truthful, I'd been purposely not calling because I was trying to make sure that they remained friends.

 

This is just ridiculous! Incidentally another guest to the before mentioned party planed for Monday will be my actual ex-boyfriend. Only, that's just not a big deal because for all the tears and pain, we actually managed to break up and stay civil to each other (for real!!). In fact I'm truthfully very much looking forward to seeing him, and I'm genuinely glad to hear that he's with someone else now, and happy.

 

*sigh*

 

So, now I'm just going to have to suck it up and fix this for the sake of the people I care about. When it happened he said that he never wanted to have purposeful contact with me again, and I agreed to honour that request and respond in kind...guess I lied.

 

I really don't have any desire to be close with him again, indeed I think I'd have a great deal of trouble trusting him. Nevertheless I'm going to have figuratively thump him over the head until he quits sulking and gets on with life. Otherwise, evidently, no one else can either :angry:

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  • Site Administrator
Graeme

Graeme 16,834

Posted

  • Site Administrator

That sucks, Kevin. You've had to move on with your life, and now you're being forced into making sure he does the same. However, knowing the sort of person you are, I'm not really surprised that you're doing this -- you're taking responsibility for ensuring your friends are comfortable, because at the moment they clearly aren't.

 

Good luck! :)

NaperVic

NaperVic 161

Posted

Good luck Kevin :)

 

It will probably be good to have a one-on-one conversation, to let him know how you feel and how you don't want your common friends to have to choose.

 

But remember, there's only so much you can do to 'fix' things. At some point, if he wants to be a bitter b*tch and sulk, the friends will choose.

 

Anywhoo, despite the drama with this ex-friend, I hope you're well otherwise.

 

Take Care®,

 

Vic

viv

viv 687

Posted

Hey Foxy,

 

It seems to me that he is making the choice for them by choosing to not attend events and distancing himself from them, and that's fine, his choice, right? Except... I know how this goes down, and he'll blame you, and he'll call you selfish and inconsiderate for not making the same sacrifices as he did so he could go sometimes instead. It never ceases to amaze me how totally Jr. High some people can act even though it's been about ten years since they've been there.

 

I guess I could share my best friend horror story here if you're interested. We were best friends since I was like... four or five years old. We lived three houses down the street from each other. Played together every day, sleepovers, shared clothes, the whole deal... until I met Rich. She didn't want to share me with anyone... and so I had to choose. I tried to be fair, to include her, to make time for her that didn't include him, but how fair is that when I can't talk about him and she doesn't want to know about it? So finally she just decided I was a huge bitch, <_< and that was the end.

 

But wait, there's more... So about that time... she was pregnant, and a year after she had her daughter, I had mine. She still lives 3 houses down from me, and our kids still play every day and are best friends, sleepovers, sharing clothes, the whole deal. And we rarely speak... and if we do it's because she called here to find her kid and all I say is 'Hello' and all she says is "Is my kid there?" and I say, "Yeah, hang on..." and that is how we have survived the last fourteen years basically.

 

TOTALLY LAME if you ask me... but it was her choice. I've always been right here and she's always been the one making excuses and calling names and placing blame. Her loss... I went on, and if she wants to exclude herself from things because of me, that's her choice, but I won't do it.

 

My only advice is that you make it clear he has a choice to make. You already made yours... and whatever he chooses, you'll respect it, but it would be nice if he could respect yours, too. PS... Try acting like an adult...

 

Hope that helps...

Viv :hug:

 

PS. Thanks for the card! I didn't have your address so I couldn't send you one :( but I miss you like mad! :wub:

AFriendlyFace

AFriendlyFace 191

Posted

That sucks, Kevin. You've had to move on with your life, and now you're being forced into making sure he does the same. However, knowing the sort of person you are, I'm not really surprised that you're doing this -- you're taking responsibility for ensuring your friends are comfortable, because at the moment they clearly aren't.

 

Good luck! :)

 

Thanks, Graeme!

 

I think things are getting a bit better now actually :)

AFriendlyFace

AFriendlyFace 191

Posted

Good luck Kevin :)

 

It will probably be good to have a one-on-one conversation, to let him know how you feel and how you don't want your common friends to have to choose.

 

But remember, there's only so much you can do to 'fix' things. At some point, if he wants to be a bitter b*tch and sulk, the friends will choose.

 

Anywhoo, despite the drama with this ex-friend, I hope you're well otherwise.

 

Take Care

AFriendlyFace

AFriendlyFace 191

Posted

Hey Foxy,

 

It seems to me that he is making the choice for them by choosing to not attend events and distancing himself from them, and that's fine, his choice, right? Except... I know how this goes down, and he'll blame you, and he'll call you selfish and inconsiderate for not making the same sacrifices as he did so he could go sometimes instead. It never ceases to amaze me how totally Jr. High some people can act even though it's been about ten years since they've been there.

 

I guess I could share my best friend horror story here if you're interested. We were best friends since I was like... four or five years old. We lived three houses down the street from each other. Played together every day, sleepovers, shared clothes, the whole deal... until I met Rich. She didn't want to share me with anyone... and so I had to choose. I tried to be fair, to include her, to make time for her that didn't include him, but how fair is that when I can't talk about him and she doesn't want to know about it? So finally she just decided I was a huge bitch, <_< and that was the end.

 

But wait, there's more... So about that time... she was pregnant, and a year after she had her daughter, I had mine. She still lives 3 houses down from me, and our kids still play every day and are best friends, sleepovers, sharing clothes, the whole deal. And we rarely speak... and if we do it's because she called here to find her kid and all I say is 'Hello' and all she says is "Is my kid there?" and I say, "Yeah, hang on..." and that is how we have survived the last fourteen years basically.

 

TOTALLY LAME if you ask me... but it was her choice. I've always been right here and she's always been the one making excuses and calling names and placing blame. Her loss... I went on, and if she wants to exclude herself from things because of me, that's her choice, but I won't do it.

 

My only advice is that you make it clear he has a choice to make. You already made yours... and whatever he chooses, you'll respect it, but it would be nice if he could respect yours, too. PS... Try acting like an adult...

 

Hope that helps...

Viv :hug:

 

PS. Thanks for the card! I didn't have your address so I couldn't send you one :( but I miss you like mad! :wub:

 

Hey Viv!

 

Oh wow!! :hug:

 

That sucks so much :(

 

I'm so sorry :hug:

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