Green,

If I were there I would give you a big giant HUG:) At least you can say that you expressed your feelings to your Dad. As you said, now its his decision to come see you and hopefully begin a healing process. I spent several years not speaking to my Dad but over the years we reconciled. I did my own therapy for me. I also started to speak to him to learn about his upbringing and what shaped him in his life experiences. He had a horrible upbringing and didn't get many "parenting skills". His Mom died when he was a small child, he was thrown from household to household, my mother's family rejected him because of he was family was from the wrong part of Italy, my Mom died when I was a baby, etc.. Sometimes, in my opinion, if you can get to the root of figuring out a person and what made them who they are, you can start to unravel and learn about the pain caused to you because they just didn't get those life skills. Indeed, when I pointed out to him he never learned to say "I love you" to any of us, he now does..that was BIG..AND I FEEL and KNOW he means it...he just never got those skills....or instincts or was a huggy feely kind of Guy (and he never got that as a child...which is very sad)

I am not sure that helps. But then again in time maybe you and your Dad over time can work on issues. (and it sounds like it may take you doing your research to learn about his background before you were born to help you in trying to work out issues with him)

You are a smart, loving Guy with a big Heart..don't lose track of that...and long as you know you made the effort but when you are ready and equipped to deal, then that's all that counts....hey, even, in time maybe you can gather the family (Mom and your siblings, if you have them) to work on things.

Your tremendous heart and good soul and instincts and brains will guide you. I have faith in you:)

Michael

Green

I don't know what to say so I'll just give you this

Green-

I had to think about this before I responded.

You've been a good friend to others so I hope that you are open to someone returning the favor.

A great many gay men have big time issues with their fathers and they can take a lot of different forms.

For many gay men, their fathers treated them like s**t because of their sexuality. Others bust their ass to live up to or gain acceptance from a father that will never grant it.

Your's appears to be different from most because it is about abandonment.

This is a serious issue and it wouldn't hurt you to explore it with a therapist. This isn't going to go away for you. It's going to stick around and rear its ugly head and affect other parts of your life where it is completely unwelcome like relationships, professional life and self esteem.

That anger that you are feeling now: I'll bet that it has always been with you. It's not hurting him. It is hurting you.

Green, do yourself a big favor and find a good therapist and work through this before it works you over. All you've got to loose is the pain.

Peace,

JS

Green-

 

I had to think about this before I responded.

 

You've been a good friend to others so I hope that you are open to someone returning the favor.

 

A great many gay men have big time issues with their fathers and they can take a lot of different forms.

 

For many gay men, their fathers treated them like s**t because of their sexuality. Others bust their ass to live up to or gain acceptance from a father that will never grant it.

 

Your's appears to be different from most because it is about abandonment.

 

This is a serious issue and it wouldn't hurt you to explore it with a therapist. This isn't going to go away for you. It's going to stick around and rear its ugly head and affect other parts of your life where it is completely unwelcome like relationships, professional life and self esteem.

 

That anger that you are feeling now: I'll bet that it has always been with you. It's not hurting him. It is hurting you.

 

Green, do yourself a big favor and find a good therapist and work through this before it works you over. All you've got to loose is the pain.

 

Peace,

JS

I'm glad you brought this up. I have been seeing a therapyst for two years now to deal with this. It's gotten me this far just to get me to speak with him. He seems to make me angrier every time I do. I have tried to be nice about it but he knows my limits and he constantly pushes over them. Even my mother has tried to get him to take it easy on me but he doesn't. He thinks his ways are the best and he's very stubborn about it.

Thanks Green

Green, I dealt with abandonment issues in therapy (probably some of my biggest issues.) All I can say is keep at it. My biggest abandonment issue is feeling abandoned by the fact that my Mom died when was one years old. The end result is I ended up growing up feeling abandoned by my father, my mother (yes, I feel abandoned and cheated and robbed by her that I never got to know her and feel her love the way my sisters did) and feel abandoned by my Mom's family (who actually did abandon us for dead and we have reunited when I hit my 20s but I feel a disconnect to them in too many ways) and the pain with all of that. (My father remarried a very abusive cold woman who raised me....I deal with that too..but the pain/anger/co dependency issues I deal with do have resolution). All I can say is (without interfering with the integrity of your therapy) is keep at it.

I send hugs, good karma and hopes that you are keeping at it, which you clearly are.

For me, writing, listening, feeling, thinking, time alone etc and doing life day by day helps....

You are a strong, loving, caring person. I have faith in you and that you will get where you want to be and need to be:)

Hugs and thanks for sharing as you always do with us:)

Michael