Well, I don't suppose that's true. Very often I seem to be able to liven them up. Tonight though I definitely killed it.

I went out to dinner with Scott and Brian then we went for coffee (btw, hottest guy in the WORLD, working behind that counter! ). Anyway, we usually have fairly serious discussions, which is one of the things I enjoy most about hanging out with them. We discuss philosophy, death, politics, religion (ad nauseum), and pretty much anything else.

Anyway, last night one of the blogs I didn't post was about my thoughts and feelings on John leaving and people moving on with their lives in general, so I thought it was a perfectly acceptable topic to bring up. ...yeah not so much. I swear I thought they were going to both cry...actually Scott did cry a bit in the car on the way home.

My opinion is that it's okay, important even, for people to do what the need to do. I think that the most important thing about a relationship is living in the moment, enjoying it, fully experiencing it, giving and sharing, and then having happy times to look back on and always being able to think of the person fondly.

I've 'left' or 'been left by' quite a few people over the course of my life. I've lived in three cities, and had friends I loved a great deal. A few people I've stayed in touch with, to some degree or another, but most are only a happy memory. I think of them and I smile, and I remember what we had, what we went through together, and I wish them well, and I wonder what they're up to. It's nice. It fills me with a warm sort of happiness to know that I have people all over the country (and outside of the country) that I love and care about and with whom I've shared my life. It is not sad for me.

But I got on the topic, and we talked about the possibility of our own friendships ending (not a stretch for Brian and me in the first place given that ours is already in it's second life), and the next thing I knew they both looked near tears and Brian made up an excuse to leave. Scott cried a bit on the way home and wouldn't talk very much.

What he did say is that I had a different perspective on things because my family accepts me...which I guess is true, and it definitely made me feel like shit.

I tried to be nice, I tried to lighten things up, I tried to tell them how much I cared..I think I made the hole deeper.

I guess I do have different perspectives than they do. Brian doesn't trust people or open up very easily. That's probably why he ended our friendship in the first place. It's probably also why he made an effort to reconcile it. I guess he concluded that he still trusted me to some extent that was rare and important enough to work on. Telling him I'd probably leave some day wasn't exactly a comfort.

I do see things differently. The only reason I was open to working out our problems is precisely because I can live in the moment and try to set the past and future aside. Here we are, right now, and I care about you, and I'm happy, and that's enough.

I thought about it and I realized that even given the shit and pain he put me through I was still very grateful for our friendship and I'd had a lot of good times. I still cared about him as a person. So even if we'd never spoken again I could have gotten to a place where I was happy it had all happened and could look back on him fondly (indeed I did get to that place before he decided he wanted to make up). The reason I decided it was okay to have another round wasn't because I thought he'd changed and I didn't expect him to do it again. That isn't the case at all. I think there's a damn good chance he'll do it again, and a damn good chance I'll get pretty f**kin hurt again, but I know we'll have a lot more good times (indeed we already have), and I strongly think that if we do 'break up' again, I'll ultimately be able to appreciate the second go around again too. Besides that I'm pretty confident in my resilience. I get knocked down, but I always get up again.

So yeah, I flubbed with Brian, but despite all that I know I screwed up much worse with Scott. I think the more I told him "I care about you" the more he heard "but I'm still going to leave you anyway." I guess it is harder for him if he feels like his friends are the only family he has. I suppose it didn't help that for most of the discussion I was too fixated on trying to make my own point to see that I really should have dropped it. I kept trying to point out the various things which might cause us to separate, things like jobs, partners, death, sick family etc. Gee I wonder why pointing out that death and serious illness were real possibilities didn't cheer him up?

The truth is I hope we do grow into little old queens together, but somehow it doesn't seem very likely to me that we'll still be living in the same city, or if we do that we will have always done.

Is it all my fault? I guess I am more likely to be the one that leaves. Even if I'm not I'm probably the one who'll get hurt less, the one who'll bounce back more quickly.

I've been around more than a little. I haven't been all over, but I've had varied experiences in many different places. I've had a wide range of friends. Online I've been in several communities, I've known people through tons of jobs, hobbies, and chance encounters. Honestly, I don't think I'm going to stop any time soon. It's not that I'm discontent; I'm not. It's just that there's a lot out there and I like poking around.

As most of you have noticed sometimes I'm here a lot, and sometimes I'm no where to be found. Well, the truth is that I love it here, I love the community, I love the mission, but some day I probably won't be back. I'm not planning it, not anymore than I'm planning to leave Houston, but realistically it'll probably happen. When it does I'll have a lot of happy memories and people to look back on fondly. I'll also have a lot more adventures waiting for me and the sincerest of hopes that everyone is okay, and happy our paths crossed.

I could have lived my life quite contentedly in the city I grew up in. I could have literally kept the friends I had when I was 8 until I or them died, and that wouldn't have been bad at all. But I'd sure have hated to miss out on my life in Baton Rouge. I can't stand to think that I wouldn't have done the things I did, met the people I met, gone through all that. I sure as hell could have lived my life happily there. Yet, of all the times I've spent, I think the best have been in Houston. To think that I'd have missed the experiences I've had here is beyond tragic.

Sometimes I do think I might stay though. Sometimes the certain and familiar are pretty damn appealing. I guess at some point, somewhere, they'll be so appealing I'll just stay. I don't think I'm there yet though, and I don't think I want to be. Not just yet anyway.