There's a point where people have to take ownership of their problems and solve them. I find that once someone is in that mode and they seek my help, I'll do whatever I can. Prior to that point, they're just a dead weight, trying to push all of their woes onto you, and that's just bad karma.

The most interesting thing about that type of person, though, is that they don't really seem to want their problems to be solved. It's as if they thrive on crisis and drama, so they create it even if it doesn't exist.

My advice: RUN!

I've been known to use my problems as a crutch, but I have been trying really hard to not do so as much, and I found out that solving my problems instead of blaming everything makes everything so much easier.

I also learned that you can only help people so much before they lose their self importance. Sometimes you just have to cut off help and sit back and see what happens.

That was alright to read.

Agrees with mark and lacey, I see it in about every group especially with divorced people as well. I do that too at times when I see it says closed using it as a clutch doesn't help the person at all.

you are soo right about divorced people . i wish my mum would shut up about my dad and 'get over it', but that really isn't going to happen. But i think she is starting to try to deal with it, and the hurt she feels. i just wish she wouldn't try and embroil me in it, which still does even when I have told her countless times I am not interested in even her trying to get me to lay blame on my dad, let alone anything else. it seems an instinct she has , always.

but yeah I get what you are saying kevin, I have a friend like that at the moment, and I agree with the some people don't seem to want to solve their problems. i can do some much, and I think she now knows some of what she needs to do to get on with her life, but I still doubt she will even begin, and some of it is not hard or tasking.

The most interesting thing about that type of person, though, is that they don't really seem to want their problems to be solved. It's as if they thrive on crisis and drama, so they create it even if it doesn't exist.

I think that's a really good, sad point

Sometimes it does seem like people are creating drama just to have something to bitch about.

I do think the primary motivation is sympathy or general attention.

I also learned that you can only help people so much before they lose their self importance. Sometimes you just have to cut off help and sit back and see what happens.

I think that's a wonderful point! Sometimes I feel like I'm "enabling" people by always trying to help or being predictably sympathetic and supportive whenever a problem comes up. Maybe I am conditioning them to hold on to their problems by reinforcing this behaviour with my attention. That's why I have been trying to take a firmer stand when it's apparent the person isn't really "trying" to make the situation better for themselves, but it just makes me feel like a big jerk a lot of the time.

That was alright to read.

LOL, thanks

Agrees with mark and lacey, I see it in about every group especially with divorced people as well. I do that too at times when I see it says closed using it as a clutch doesn't help the person at all.

I hadn't really thought about it in terms of divorced people. Whenever I think of divorced people I usually think of my mom, and I don't think she's like that at all.

I guess you've got a point though; I suppose it is something that some divorced people do as well.

but yeah I get what you are saying kevin, I have a friend like that at the moment, and I agree with the some people don't seem to want to solve their problems. i can do some much, and I think she now knows some of what she needs to do to get on with her life, but I still doubt she will even begin, and some of it is not hard or tasking.

Well, I think that's the other side of it. Not only does there seem to be a desire for attention in sympathy IMO, but there's also that general "talking about it is easier than doing it" thing. I guess taking that first step is pretty tough sometimes. I know I'm guilty of talking about how I want to go back to school and how I have all these degrees I want to get, and how I need to look into it and start applying....but then I never actually do. I just keep talking about it periodically. No, it wouldn't be hard to fill out a few applications, look into what sort of Master's programs the universities around here have in my areas of interest....it's just easier not to. I just always seem too lazy to actually do it. I really do want to though, I just kinda want someone to hand it to me on a silver platter. Like do all the leg work for me and tell me exactly what each school has, and hand me the forms I need to fill out. LOL, don't guess that is going happen though.

This is all so true. I've friends who make themselves into victims to varying degrees -- some on a personal level, just feeling sorry for themselves, and some belong to a minority group and feel sorry for themselves for that reason, while some desperately try to fit into a minority group, or several, just to they can feel sorry for themselves collectively rather than on their own. I think it makes them feel more important.

Anyway, I plead guilty to at least two of the above -- I've certainly resorted to self-pity when it wasn't justified, and I've felt like a victim because of my sex (though not that often I have to say, and I think it was justified in most cases) -- but I think most people have some time done the I'm-to-be-pitied thing because they needed attention. And if it happens once in a while, I think it's okay -- we're only humans, after all, and we may feel down and need someone to pat us on the back even though there's no concrete reason for it -- so we make up a reason.

But then some people go too far, they do it too often, too regularly, and some minorities do, too. When there's so much whining that you get sick of it and can't take it seriously anymore, then it's not healthy, not for the person doing it and not for the people around that person. And really it's only the person him- or herself who can do something about it, although as a friend you can probably try to help them... in some way. Of course, when it's gone that far you're usually really sick of the person, so yeah.

You're so right about the whole of society feeling sorry for themselves, too, that was really the best part of your blog entry. We shouldn't resort to excuses, we should *do* something... excuses are fine, in moderation, but when they turn into whining and passiveness they're bad for you.

Anyway, I plead guilty to at least two of the above -- I've certainly resorted to self-pity when it wasn't justified, and I've felt like a victim because of my sex (though not that often I have to say, and I think it was justified in most cases) -- but I think most people have some time done the I'm-to-be-pitied thing because they needed attention. And if it happens once in a while, I think it's okay -- we're only humans, after all, and we may feel down and need someone to pat us on the back even though there's no concrete reason for it -- so we make up a reason.

I think that's a really good point! I don't mind cheering someone up, or being supportive to people periodically, even if they are exaggerating. I think everyone does feel that need for attention and sympathy sometimes, and that is fine. It is only annoying to me when it's recurrent, and it's the same thing (or same type of thing) over and over again and the person doesn't seem to want to do anything to actually make it better.

You're so right about the whole of society feeling sorry for themselves, too, that was really the best part of your blog entry. We shouldn't resort to excuses, we should *do* something... excuses are fine, in moderation, but when they turn into whining and passiveness they're bad for you.

Yes, I very much agree. Doing it in moderation is one thing, but when it does take over, especially on a societal level, it gets really unhealthy