I blame the fact that I cannot feel my hands. Our heater hasn't worked for like... 4 or 5 years now and it's 45 in here. I literally don't need a refrigerator for my food. Also, if we ever meet and you wonder why my skin is so well preserved and I look far younger than my 32 years... that would be why. Between working and living where the average temperature is WAY TOO f**kING COLD, I maintain my youthful appearance apparently.

Last blog I mentioned that my house is in foreclosure and so I thought I'd explain that. So, when my mom died my brothers and sister inherited the house we grew up in. About 3 years ago we refinanced the ridiculous loan my parents had and pulled out some of our equity and Rich and I bought my sister's share so then we own half. When we refinanced, it was an adjustable rate mortgage that happened to adjust up to $1800 a month last year when Rich got laid off. We worked it out with our mortgage company and did a loan modification that lowered our payments to something we could pay. The third month into that agreement we got our bill, but it was $400 higher than the afreed upon amount and we called to find out why. They said it was an escrow account for property taxes and we explained that we aren't the only owners and that we pay the mortgage and they pay the taxes and could they please remove that charge from our bill since we clearly cannot pay that ammount. They said sure, just send in a request in writing so we did, but they never removed the charge. Each month I would send in the agreed upon amount and noted specifically on the stub you send in with it how to apply the money.

As it turns out, they don't actually care what we want and once they have our money they can do whatever they want with it, oe something. So after months of this, our account went into default and we received 38 letters... thirty-eight! saying that our house was in foreclosure. I called my brothers, and we've decided to sell it, but not without some bitterness and anger between the four of us involved, which probably makes it a good thing overall that it won't be an issue between us anymore in another couple months. Rich and I and the kids will be moving into an apartment somewhere nearby and for the fist time since I was 3, I'll have a new home.

So why the bitterness and anger? Well, a few reasons really. One is that one of my brothers said we should have sold the house 3 years ago when we refinanced instead, and I suppose given the market now and how our house is suddenly worth over $100K less, we should have. Also, we bought my sister's portion for what is turning out to be about 3 times what they'll get to split. Additionally, my one brother seems to think that saying "this isn't an investment for me" absolves him of all responsibility which is both untrue and rather frustrating.

There are few things I let myself hang onto anger and bitterness about because it just takes too much energy and life is just to short to waste on being angry, but one of the few I allow myself is tied into this situation. 12 years ago my mom died and Rich and I decided that the best thing we could do for Tony was to take care of him and raise him in our family with our kids, in the same house he had been growing up in, at the same school with the same kids he had grown up with. I have no regrets or bad feelings about that decision, at all. Not one. What does bother me, though, is that my older brother took off out of here as soon as he could. Right after graduation, he got about as far away from this all as he could and went to college for 10 years. He's got a PhD in astronomy and lives on the other side of the country fromthe rest of us. When it was my turn to go to college, instead I was taking care of Tony, and then a sick mom, and then dealing with her dying and leaving Tony, and here we are 12 years later and I've never been able to go to college. Now Tony has graduated and has his Bachelor Degree and is in law school, and our brother is so proud and just throwing money at him and it BOTHERS me.

At Thanksgiving he and his wife were here for the first time in years because he happened to be in town for work, and I told him during some comversation that some of us get the chance to go to college and make the life they want, and some of us clearly just don't. It's really easy to sit over on his side of the country and act like it's so easy to do that when he has no one he's responsible for but himself. When he offered to pay for the food I bought for Thanksgiving, that I shpped for and I prepared, I almost told him to f**k off.

Needless to say, I'm ready to move on and make our own way in this life now that Tony is basically out on his own, too. My brother is a smart, nice guy... I just don't think, no, I know, that he doesn't even get how much we have saacrificed so that he can have his life with no responsibilities, where he just cruises into town for a few random days a year and throws money at us.

Anyway...

So, we went to a funeral today. Fun times, right? It was for my dad's cousin. We didn't really know her well and had only recently become reacquainted with her and her kids, but she was a great lady. She was buried in the same cemetary as my dad, just around the corner from him so for the first time in 15 years, I visited his grave. I don't really have any good reason for why I haven't gone except that I think that when you die, that's not you anymore and I don't actualy have to go anywhere to visit you. I visit you in my memories and in my heart and so... whatever, I never go. But my sister was there, and she wanted to go, and since we were there anyway, why not, right? She tells us she has this 'tradition' when she goes, that she always lights a cigarette for him because he was a smoker, like she is. So today, I watched her light a cigarette and lay it down in the grass next to his headstone... in LA... while silently hoping she doesn't light the cemetary on fire. Then she decided that we should also go visit the grave of someone else we love very much at another cemetary and alright, why not. Also haven't been there in the 6 years since she died, but we went, and I'm not joking when I tell you that she THREW HER BODY DOWN on this gravestone. I'm not sure how we ended up so different, but I'm really glad that I don't have all those what? Issues?

In much more fun and exciting news... I spent 4 hours on a bus on Saturday with 49 teenagers going to San Diego and back for the SCSBOA Championships where my daughter and her band and colorguard won FIRST PLACE!!! Not without a little drama, courtesy of my kid, but all is well now that she's wearing a first place gold medal around her neck and is part of the best 5A band and colorguard in Southern California!

So yeah, we'll be moving in a few weeks and anyone who happens to be in the area and wants to help... I'll be happy to feed you and give you many hugs and smiles and snuggles and you can stare at my amazingly hot husband for the day... see:

Davey is sick and it's his birthday tomorrow! Get well, happy birthday wishes anyone?

Hugs,

Viv