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Davey

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About Davey

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    27
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    UK

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  1. THE DARKEST NIGHT By Davey I sat looking out the living room window, watching the rain slowly snake its way down the glass. Tonight was Halloween; I’d been invited to my friend’s party across the street. Christina, my friend, had excitedly told me that tonight was to be the night I would open myself up to people again, saying I’d shut myself off from the world for too long. I just silently agreed to save any argument. Two years had passed since the night that changed my life. It had been Halloween then too. My partner, Jamie, and I had decided to head across town to a party being held in a warehouse club. We’d caught the city bus; dressed in our costumes; Jamie as Mr. Potato Head. He was in this ridiculously over sized foam suit and complained the entire time how he would end up a baked potato by the end of the night in that damn suit. Mine was much simpler. I’d dressed as a cowboy, suede leather waistcoat, plaid shirt, and chaps completed my outfit. We sat close together on the bus, talking quietly to each other the entire ride. The whole time drawing amused looks from the other passengers. We rode too the nearest stop, three streets from the warehouse. This close to our destination, we noticed other fools who’d braved the cold weather dressed in a variety of silly costumes for a night of fun. Within the crowd of people there was this air of excitement that seemed contagious. People here knew this was going to be a good night; the atmosphere was simply exciting to be in. Jamie had been a very open person. He’d never hidden his sexuality, not from the moment he’d realised it. He was proud to be my lover and showed it every opportunity he got. I’d had a harder time in my teens accepting my sexuality, but after university, and finding Jamie, I too had opened myself fully. I held the same pride in him as he did in I. The pride he felt was the thing that led him to wrap his arm lovingly around my waist as we walked, making me forget about the cold air that swirled around us. I always felt fulfilled when he made contact like that. I loved the bond we shared and such simple contact would brighten my day instantly. I instinctively leaned into his touch as we walked, needing to further the warm contact he provided. We stopped at a crossing, and as we waited for the light to change to green allowing us to cross; he leaned across and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. It was such a simple gesture, one he’d presented me with so many times that it could almost seem practiced. The only thing was, it never felt practiced, each kiss he gave me always felt fresh, new, and exciting. He could kiss me forever more and I’d still loose all my thoughts, allowing only his presence to overtake my mind. That was the last time he kissed me, the last time he touched me, at least in the physical sense. That was the moment he assigned his own fate. I awoke three days later in a hospital bed, my last memory being Jamie’s kiss. I could still feel him on my lips, as though it had only been seconds before, and as if by instinct, I lightly licked my tongue over my lips, they felt dry and chapped, the taste I craved was missing. I tried to move only to feel the immense pain my body was suffering; every bone in my body felt uncomfortable. The smallest of motion, even just trying to sit up, provided a sharp searing jolt. All I could remember was Jamie kissing me; curious as to why I felt so bad, I spent the coming hours trying to get information from the nurses about what had happened to me. Nobody would talk to me; if I asked a nurse why I was there, they’d look everywhere but right at me before answering. I tried asking where Jamie was, and again was brushed off with annoying comments like, the doctor will be here soon to tell you everything. The doctor did eventually arrive, and in that short visit, he ended my life as I knew it. He was cold and calculated in his description of my injuries; only after he’d told me all my ailments, did he tell me Jamie was gone. I had thought Jamie and I would be together forever. I honestly saw us being old men, bitching through our retirements about the youth of the day. I never, even for a second, saw the chance that I’d be alone. I was visited by doctors, nurses, and eventually by police officers. They told me of the attack that had happened. I’d been beaten so badly they honestly thought I wouldn’t make it. Jamie had been attacked second; he’d seen them beat me and, according to their witnesses, had tried to fend off the attackers. For his actions, the whole group had set in on him. He’d died on that street trying to protect me; he’d died for me. I could only wish at that time I’d gone with him. The knowledge that he died saving me was nearly as painful as it was comforting. I never made it to his funeral; the doctors had to practically tie me down to ensure I stayed where I was. I argued my case; that I needed to say my final goodbye to him, but sadly, even I knew my body, let alone my mind, wasn’t in a fit state to make that journey. Just the thought of a final goodbye had me at point of a break down. My recovery was slow, but I guess that was mostly my fault because I really didn’t have the heart to recover and go on living alone. My parents, along with Jamie’s, did their best to encourage me to carry on, but I just didn’t want to. Christina was the person that broke through my barriers. She reminded me that Jamie had wanted me to live; in trying to protect me, he’d shown I needed to carry on, however hard that was. I spent a long time thinking, then re-thinking what she’d told me. I tried to imagine, if our roles had been reversed, I knew instantly that I’d want Jamie to fight to regain his life, yet the reality that he’d want the same for me was so much harder to accept. I made a promise to him that I’d push my recovery and live on for his memory. The two years leading to now I spent mostly reclusive. Keeping that promise had been the hardest thing I had faced. So often, I’d just wanted to bury myself and forget the world. I was mourning my lost love and really didn’t have the energy to face the prospect of life. Christina was the biggest constant in my life, she held me when I was at my worst, and through her efforts, slowly lifted my spirits to the point where I’d realised I needed to make the effort to live, to keep my promise. That was the reason I now stood looking out my living room window, dressed in my very own blazingly hot Mrs. Potato Head costume. I’d thought up the costume, knowing it would have made Jamie laugh if he was, as I believed, looking over me. I heard my phones message alert, and checking it, I already knew who the sender was. Christina simply sent, ‘get away from the damn window and come have some fun!’ So following her instruction, I walked though my door, and out across the street to her house. As was our custom, I opened her door with out knocking, and walked right into the middle of her party. I was faced with a wall of surprised faces; people I hadn’t seen or talked to since that night. In that few seconds, I realised just how reclusive I had become. I decided I needed to embrace these people who had been so important to both Jamie and I before. I’d missed so much of their lives through my own pain. I just hoped it wasn’t too late to rebuild what we had. The first person to approach me was a guy called Chris; a tall, strong, built guy. Without words, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I smiled to myself, I really had missed his hugs! “Pete, I missed ya.” Were the only words he whispered out. “Right back at ya man,” I replied A weird thing happened in that moment; I felt a warmth return to me that I’d been missing ever since Jamie had gone. I tried, in that moment, to process what that meant to me. I felt a sudden fear swell up inside me. It felt like I was cheating on Jamie. I quickly ended the embrace, trying to seem as natural as possible, before making my escape to the kitchen. I raced through the crowded room, trying to get to an open space. I needed time to think about what was happening to me. I opened the back door and slipped out. Christina had a large open garden, and at the far end she had an old oak tree which had a tree swing hanging off it. I sat on the swing, squeezing my large foam ass into the small seat, and gently rocked my self, allowing the gentle back and forth motion to alleviate my deep feelings of fear and guilt. Guilt? That realisation hit me like a freight train. I was feeling guilty about enjoying the comfort of another man. It had been two years, twenty four months to the exact date, since I’d felt any comfort in a man’s touch. Deep down, a part of me knew I deserved to feel it, but the layers closer to the surface really didn’t agree. I sat looking down at my feet, allowing my body to slowly rock on the swing. I could hear his footsteps as he crossed the lawn heading towards me. I didn’t look up as he got closer; I was suddenly feeling shame for my reaction to his touch. He stopped in front of me, And I could see the black leather shoes he wore, less than a foot away from my own, yet I still didn’t raise my head. “Pete,” was all he said. I quietly grumbled a response that ended up being an ‘mmhmm’ while keeping my eyes firmly focused on the ground between our feet. “What’s wrong? You took off just as we were starting to talk,” he sounded hurt and I hated myself for making him feel like that. I lifted my head slightly; I was now looking right at his crotch, probably not the best place to focus my eyes in my current frame of mind. “I... I... I was talking to you, then we hugged, and I thought of Jamie. I think I came out too soon. I still really miss him,” I said with tears welling in my eyes. He crouched down and I couldn’t help but think he’d ruin his expensive jeans kneeling in the dirt. His eyes were now focused on mine and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t look away. “Listen sweetie, it’s okay to miss him. You love him; I know how right the two of you were for each other. I hope you never stop loving him because, I loved him too. To me, he was my friend, and I know that was never the same as your love for him, but I promise it’ll never go away.” I looked into his eyes, I could see not just the concern he held for me, but also the love. I knew he was just concerned about his friend when he’d hugged me, and that made me feel good, but I still couldn’t shake the fact I’d felt more. The house’s door opened and then slammed shut, attracting both of our attention in that direction. “You two get your asses back in here; we’re supposed to be having a party!” Christina shouted from the door step. Chris looked back at me asking, “You okay? I can deal with her if you want to head home?” I smiled the best smile I could before shaking my head, “I’ll be okay, thanks though.” He smiled back at me before leaning forward to kiss my cheek, as he leaned back he gently wiped the tears away from my eyes. He stood offering his hand to help me up. I stood, using him as a support. before walking my way back towards the house. As we got closer, Christina must have noticed the puffiness around my eyes as her expression turned to worry. She reached for my hand, pulling me aside, “You okay honey?” I rolled my eyes at her in mock humour only to get a slap around the head in response. I actually laughed at that, feeling a little of our older relationship coming back. My mood lifted we entered the house again; Christina in front, followed by myself, and then Chris. As we walked through the door, Christina reached back to clasp my hand lightly in hers. I gave her a gentle squeeze to let her know I appreciated all the support she’d given to me now, and in the past two years. She turned slightly as she walked and gave me a smile. Chris kept a comfortable distance between us as we walked through the kitchen; I couldn’t help but feel on display as I took in the concerned faces I passed. I looked in every direction I could to avoid making eye contact with any of them as we passed, the last thing I needed to see was their pity. I knew deep down what people were thinking, but given that everyone there had been quiet and polite to me, I’d been able to ignore it. That is, until we walked into the living room and I heard their voices. It’s amazing how sometimes you can seemingly lift from your body and view what’s happening around you from all angles. In that very moment, when we entered the room, with people’s backs to us, I felt like I could see their faces, the laughter on them. Sure I could hear the words they said, but the imagined image of their smiles as they talked of how pathetic I was for being so concealed after all this time; that hurt more. I kept hearing the discussion of my loss and subsequent withdrawal from society over and over at an alarming pace. I needed to get away from there. I turned to look at Christina and saw the horrified look on her face as people I had once cared for called me pathetic. She looked mortified, terrified, and furious all at the same time. I smiled at her before turning and walking to the door. I suppose it was the shock that delayed her reaction, but I knew she’d follow so I made my way quickly, running out into the street, determined to escape their hateful words. I darted as fast as my foam coated body would allow me to across the road to my own front door. Just as I opened it I heard her shouting for me to stop; to wait for her. ‘Let’s talk’ she shouted, Talking to anyone at that moment was the very last thing I wanted to do. I stepped in, slamming the door behind before turning the lock. With my back pressed against the door, I slowly lowered myself, allowing myself to gently slide down the polished wood. She was banging on the door, the vibration travelling through my whole body. She was shouting for me to open it and talk to her; trying her hardest to stop me from closing myself off again. With tears streaming from my eyes I came to the conclusion that I could never be happy. People couldn’t understand the loss I felt; a feeling I knew would never leave. I dragged my ass off the floor and stood, mentally blocking the noise coming from the other side of the door. I walked through the house towards the bathroom, roughly ripping my costume off as I made my way forward. Reaching the sink, I ran the tap before splashing the water over my face to clear the tear streaks that stained my cheeks. With both hands on each side of the sink, I lowered my head , sighing as I did. As my eyes dropped, the sheen from the metal caught my attention. Could I carry on with this pain? Could I forgive myself if I did this? Could Jamie? I wondered if I’d find the answers to my questions as I lifted the razor………Could I break my promise? END © 2006 Davey
  2. Davey

    Alright so...

    ...Update time I found out today that: My Dad has cancer. My Mum is a basket case. We're moving for the fourth time in 12 months. Chris is an ass, but I love him. and to top off a great day I bruised my ass. Thats all.
  3. Davey

    If there are any typos...

    I'm still alive I got told off by my doctor for not taking action earlier, it seems asthma attacks are an issue you shouldnt wait on.... well my blood oxygen levels are back to normal levels and my lung capacity has increased by 78% seriously when he told me that I was like huh? How was I still breathing? lol anyway Im alive and I got a neat aero chamber thing outta the deal
  4. Davey

    I like to complain!

    Do you ever feel that you're the only one to make contact? I'll use my mother as an example, I decided that I wanted to see how long it would take her to phone me, so I held off calling. Three weeks later she calls to tell me off for not keeping in touch. I ALWAYS make the call. It happens online too. Like with some friends if I don't bother to send the hi message it never gets done. I've left it with some contacts before for weeks and finally I get a message all pissed off asking why i'm not talking to them. As you can probably guess i'm in a bad mood lol Anyway this blog made very little sense, but I think I like that
  5. Here in the UK when speed cameras were first installed it was all about safety. Since then we've moved along a little, now the police are using them to boost they're funding. We have the standard roadside versions along with the average speed ones on motorways but now we have these great moving ones that are hidden in vans. All they have to do is pick a layby, park up and start collecting the cash! They publish the locations online here, however they dont actually say which ones will be in service. I've also never heard what they do with the money collected, I would hope they spend it on accident prevention or something like that, however I doubt it. They probably have the best Christmas party ever! lol
  6. Has an Important meeting in the morning and should be sleeping..

    1. Zeoanne

      Zeoanne

      Happy Birthday ~!!~ I'm leaving a message here since you don't have your comments section up. Hope you have a fantastic day!

  7. Davey

    ugh

    Haha yeah, seems it's coming back to me... Hey.. you heard from Vance at all? Ive not seen him in like 6 months?
  8. Davey

    ugh

    I should be sleeping... But I'm not UGH! back to work in 5 hours Thats all
  9. Davey

    Amazing people

    So just for the record before you read/ watch this I'm not American. I may not agree fully with the war, but I have the up most respect for all the service personnel, regardless of the country they come from. I saw this and it touched my heart, I hope it does yours too. The way we get by As I'm in the UK, I don't get PBS programming, so the trailer and story are all i've seen, but its still pretty amazing I think. Enjoy.
  10. Davey

    Moving.... Again

    We're moving again because of my Job, which sucks. I like living here, its a good place with good people that have been great with us. I've never heard a single negative comment about gays the entire time we've been here and that's pretty great I think. But sadly the time has come for me to move stores again and where I go Chris is sure to follow lol So we're back to not knowing how people will react. I hope that it'll be an easy transition again, but time will tell. --- My Dads a plumber, always has been ever since he started working. I never really thought about it but I've come to the conclusion that he was disappointed I never followed in his foot steps. The other day we were talking on the phone and he mentioned something about my brother in law going back into college as part of a plumbing apprenticeship he's doing with my Dad I don't remember what he was talking about but he followed it with something like, ' I'm so glad I'll have someone to pass the company over too, I was worried what would happen to it.' Ugh. My Dad rarely tries to guilt me (that's my Mothers game) but this time he was out full force. I of course didnt rise to the bait and just said, 'Yeah Im glad too Dad.' haha I could hear the hmph come out over the phone and had to stop myself laughing at him. I almost felt like telling him to go ask Mum how to guilt me, She's great at it. My Sister is moving back to Australia, She's waiting for the Immigration department to confirm their resident visas again and they'll be off. They own a house in south east Melbourne already from when they lived there before and have been renting it out since. The last renters left a few weeks ago so they're all set. I think i'll blog again soon and not wait months lol ttys David
  11. Davey

    Instinct...

    Oh my..! I find that.... disturbing.
  12. Davey

    Ramblings

    Hey, It's been a while since I last wrote anything in this. Mainly because I can never think of anything I want to say. I feel like I've lost touch with this site, that's all my fault I know, I guess I've just allowed myself to get distracted. I'll write this out and if I can be bothered I'll post it, if not meh well at least I'll have written SOMETHING for a change! I guess I should update on a few things. Chris is doing good. He's busy pretty much all the time but then so am I. We make time for each other everyday so we're still as strong as ever. When we moved here for my work it seemed a good idea. A new exciting challenge to explore, a new place with new people to meet. We'll it's been both those things and more. I think the hardest thing to deal with living here is traveling. In my old store when I had a meeting to attend I'd just jump in the car and drive there, then be home by dinner time. Now its a three day travel event. I've been away from home far too much and being seconded for three months earlier this year didn't help. Three months of hotel living with trips home only ever couple of weeks, I about went crazy! Thankfully Chris and Viv kept me semi sane with regular phone calls. My sister is still living in our old place, she's had a massive amount of shit to deal with this last year or so, they're paying the mortgage on the place just now but i think we'll maybe just let them buy out the rest of it If they want to. We don't need the place and it'd probably be good for them to have the security of their own place. Oh man so, I've been doing interviews for new staff at work this last week. I've gotta ask, what happened to all the normal sane people? It's retail, so I get that the starting rate really isn't all that great, but come on! I had this one woman in, I looked over her application and noticed that she'd failed high school math. So, I flagged this up as a discussion topic to see if she'd done any home study or anything to further herself. So we're in the office and I ask the question. ' I see from your application you failed to pass your highschool math course. Have you done any further study to improve on this?' her reply... 'No! But I can spell!' Huh? Did I ask if you could spell?! To make it worse my note taker 'K' snorted a laugh out at this point causing me to barely stop my self laughing at her. Im not asking for people that can do degree level math, however when they're handling cash I'm responsible for I'd like them to at least be able to count to ten! I interviewed four people and gave three of them Jobs, needless to say the woman above failed in her application. I kinda wish we could rewind time back to the days when I didn't need to worry what I wrote on the interview form, I doubt writing IDIOT! In the reason for rejection box would be appreciated by my head office. Meh, I'm bored now so i'll leave it at that. Love, kisses and all that shit, David
  13. Much like Colin said, Chris and I are in love, its that simple, we're committed to each other in sickness and health. So regardless of circumstance we stay and work with it. I'm in this for life. Davey
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