Are you violating your S/O's privacy?

[Tipdin]

If someone has nothing to hide, who cares who sees their stuff?

 

My partner looks through my stuff all the time. I have no secrets. I have done nothing to bring dishonor to myself.

 

Why would someone feel a need to have secrets from someone they profess to love? Circumstances play a role, obviously. If you're dating, there should be boundaries. If you're in a committed relationship, why would you even want boundaries?

 

And what message are you sending when you keep secrets?

[old bob]

If someone has nothing to hide, who cares who sees their stuff?

My partner looks through my stuff all the time. I have no secrets. I have done nothing to bring dishonor to myself.

Why would someone feel a need to have secrets from someone they profess to love? Circumstances play a role, obviously. If you're dating, there should be boundaries. If you're in a committed relationship, why would you even want boundaries?

And what message are you sending when you keep secrets?

I quite agree with Tipdin's comment.

Its much easier .

If you have secrets to hide, take care of it. Protect your computer and erase your messages .

[AFriendlyFace]

If someone has nothing to hide, who cares who sees their stuff?

 

My partner looks through my stuff all the time. I have no secrets. I have done nothing to bring dishonor to myself.

 

Why would someone feel a need to have secrets from someone they profess to love? Circumstances play a role, obviously. If you're dating, there should be boundaries. If you're in a committed relationship, why would you even want boundaries?

 

And what message are you sending when you keep secrets?

 

Well for me, as I said in my earlier post, it's not about something being a 'secret' it's about my partner respecting my privacy. If he wants to know something then I want him to ask, I don't want him to snoop through my things. It's not that I'm hiding anything, it's simply that I would consider it disrespectful and evidence of a lack of trust on his part. In the first place he should trust me not to be doing anything that would purposely hurt him/us/me and in the second place he should trust me enough to talk to me about his feelings and concerns if he is worried about something.

 

As for not keeping boundaries, I personally completely disagree. I think it's very healthy for some boundaries, as well as a strong individual identity, to remain for the people in a relationship.

Edited March 7, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[kitten]

If you're in a committed relationship, why would you even want boundaries?

 

And what message are you sending when you keep secrets?

 

As others have said, every couple/relationship is different. They each have to set the boundaries with which they are comfortable. Asking why someone wants particular boundaries is like asking them why they like some foods and not others, why they don't like going to parties, why they like reading gay fiction, etc. It's just how they are and there should be no need to justify it.

 

There is a difference between privacy and secrets. For example, I insist on privacy when I use the toilet, but this does not mean I'm trying to keep it secret.

 

Another example is if my best friend confided in me some important and/or embarrassing secret - it would be wrong to give that secret to others, even my SO, without first asking my best friend if that would be okay. Yet another example: if my work (legal, medical, military, etc) involved confidential information then by going throgh my emails without asking my SO might breach that confidentiality.

 

If I had a SO and he wanted to read my emails, then all he would need to do is ask and I'd be happy to show them to him. However, if he went through my emails without asking, I'd be very annoyed. Because (apart from any other considerations) the fact that he didn't just ask would indicate to me that he doesn't trust me and that he thinks I would be hiding something if he did ask. By showing that he didn't trust me he would be causing damaging our relationship.

 

Kit

[Sir Galahad]

The only time I have ever gone through any S/O's things was when I was told by my best friend that he was cheating on me. She saw him making out with this guy at a club, whilst I was working.

So, when he was sleeping I went through his mobile phone, & found the proof. There were only a couple of messages on there, but it was clear what was going on. He hadn't deleted the delivery reports for some time & were texts to this guys number going back 3 months.

Then I went the whole hog & hacked his e-mail account, explicit e-mails, pictures, u name it, it was there.

Needless to say, he was out on his ass the next day.

Now the dilemma, did I have the right to do that? I still say yes. He had betrayed my trust & total fury can blind you to any ethics.

Would I do it again in the same circumstances, damn straight I would.

 

In my current relationship D & I answer each others mobiles & read the texts anyway, it doesn't matter to either of us. Neither of us have anything to hide. And no, his e-mail is perfectly safe. I don't think either of us is particularly interested in what's there.

Edited March 8, 2009 by Sir_Galahad

[writeincode]

If someone has nothing to hide, who cares who sees their stuff?

I agree. I have nothing to hide. If your SO finds something you would have wanted hidden then maybe you shouldn't have done it and maybe they have a right to an explanation?

 

And I go through my S.Os phone but only in front of him and not because I don't trust him but because I just like a quick brief on what goes down in his week because I don't usually get to see him on weekdays. Also it prompts him to give me 'the goss' on any current dramas. A little gossip is always fun

Edited March 8, 2009 by writeincode

[kitten]

Now the dilemma, did I have the right to do that? I still say yes. He had betrayed my trust & total fury can blind you to any ethics.

Would I do it again in the same circumstances, damn straight I would.

 

And if you'd found no evidence of cheating?

Would you have carried on looking? Would you have still mistrusted him? Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Regardless of 'right' or 'wrong', IMO the fact you'd distrusted him so much that you went behind his back, hacked into his emails, etc, shows the relationship was over. If he'd not been cheating and you did that then he'd not only be 'right' to dump you but would be very wise to do so.

 

I agree. I have nothing to hide. If your SO finds something you would have wanted hidden then maybe you shouldn't have done it and maybe they have a right to an explanation?

 

Are you confusing the concepts of 'hiding' and 'privacy' (see my post above)? If he doesn't want you watching him in the toilet, do you think he's hiding something?

 

Do you think that it's okay for governments to monitor all your mail and phone calls, to know where you are at all times, to know all your purchases, to keep records of who you meet? They, too, use the argument that if you've nothing to hide then you should not care if they monitor everything that you do.

 

And I go through my S.Os phone but only in front of him

 

So hopefully you feel it would be wrong to do it without his knowledge?

 

KIt

[Sir Galahad]

And if you'd found no evidence of cheating?

Would you have carried on looking? Would you have still mistrusted him? Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Regardless of 'right' or 'wrong', IMO the fact you'd distrusted him so much that you went behind his back, hacked into his emails, etc, shows the relationship was over. If he'd not been cheating and you did that then he'd not only be 'right' to dump you but would be very wise to do so.

 

Nope, regardless at what I'd found or not found I'd have dumped him, so you were right on one thing, the relationship was over. I just needed to see it with my own eyes, don't ask me why I just did. My friend had already confirmed that he was cheating on me, & she had absolutely no reason to lie. I've known her all my life & trust her 100%. When someone you know that well tells you something like that, you listen! Plus my trust in her was vindicated, she had told me the truth when no one else would.

I had never gone through his things before then, even though something had been niggling for a while.

Everything seems so cut & dried looking in, people turning their noses up at your actions. It's ok to sit on a pedestal all holier than thou, and pass judgment, but until it happens to you, you will never understand. The feeling of betrayal is unlike anything I can describe, I just hope that one day you don't end up going through a partners mobile to confirm what you already know.

[writeincode]

Are you confusing the concepts of 'hiding' and 'privacy' (see my post above)? If he doesn't want you watching him in the toilet, do you think he's hiding something?

Yes.

 

Seriously though, I get what you mean here I guess to some extent although I can't really explain :wacko:

 

Do you think that it's okay for governments to monitor all your mail and phone calls, to know where you are at all times, to know all your purchase, to keep records of who you meet? They, too, use the argument that if you've nothing to hide then you should not care if they monitor everything that you do.

Actually I do think that'd be alright. As long as it wasn't an evil government and as long as it wasn't available to the public (might take away my mystique ) I wouldn't really care.

 

Why would you care if people who you don't know and probably never will have the opportunity to know what kind of food you buy and what kind of people you're friends with? If the government being given access to all of this information could help keep you and your family and friends safe then wouldn't you think that that'd be a small sacrifice?

 

So hopefully you feel it would be wrong to do it without his knowledge?

Only coz if he saw me doing it behind his back then he might think that I'm doing it because I don't trust him, which I do. Kind of like what you said in your previous post about your S.O reading your emails.

[kitten]

Actually I do think that'd be alright. As long as it wasn't an evil government and as long as it wasn't available to the public (might take away my mystique ) I wouldn't really care.

 

In that case, IMO you are far too trusting.

 

All government is evil. It may be a necessary evil, but it's still evil.

 

Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

So the more power we allow a government to have, the more corrupt it will be.

Knowledge is power.

From a governmental POV information about individuals is power.

So the more information they have about us, the more power they have, and the more corrupt they will be.

 

Kit

[AFriendlyFace]

The only time I have ever gone through any S/O's things was when I was told by my best friend that he was cheating on me. She saw him making out with this guy at a club, whilst I was working.

So, when he was sleeping I went through his mobile phone, & found the proof. There were only a couple of messages on there, but it was clear what was going on. He hadn't deleted the delivery reports for some time & were texts to this guys number going back 3 months.

Then I went the whole hog & hacked his e-mail account, explicit e-mails, pictures, u name it, it was there.

Needless to say, he was out on his ass the next day.

Now the dilemma, did I have the right to do that? I still say yes. He had betrayed my trust & total fury can blind you to any ethics.

Would I do it again in the same circumstances, damn straight I would.

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you

 

In my current relationship D & I answer each others mobiles & read the texts anyway, it doesn't matter to either of us. Neither of us have anything to hide.

LOL, on a complete side note - totally unrelated to issues of privacy or secrecy within a relationship - as someone who might be calling or texting one or both of you, I find that pretty annoying. Not that I myself would specifically be calling or texting either of you, but in general I don't like it when couples I'm friends with do this.

 

One of my oldest and dearest friends used to have a girlfriend who would frequently answer her phone, log on to her AIM (this was way back in the day when I used to chat), and respond to her text messages. I hated that! It would drive me completely crazy. It's not that I didn't like her girlfriend, in fact now that they've been broken up for several years I have more nice things to say about her than she does, nor is it that I was trying to get my friend to keep secrets from her. It was simply that when I dialed my friend's number or messaged her screen name she was the one I wanted to communicate with.

 

I have a couple of other lesbian friends with whom I'm equally close who also do this a little bit from time to time. It doesn't bother me as much since I have a close friendship with both and since in all honesty if I call one and don't get her I generally try the other one anyway, but nevertheless on a few occasions it has annoyed me. Occasionally I've felt specifically like having a conversation with one of them. Since I am friends with both, that means that I can't really immediately say, "oh hey, can you put her on the phone for me?" without first having a chat with the other one. I mean I can and it wouldn't be a problem, but it feels rude to me and makes me feel like I'm keeping secrets. Occasionally I want to text one of them in particular. It has nothing to do with privacy or secrets, it's just that my dynamic with each of them is different and the things I share with each of them is different.

 

To me it kinda goes back to why I prefer cell phones so much over landlines. When you call a landline you never know who's going to answer. It could be anyone in the family. When you dial a cell phone you can reasonably expect that the person you wanted to speak to will be the one who answers. Personally, I like to know who I'm going to get when I make a phone call, or who's going to be reading my message when I send a text.

 

Eh, I feel like I went off on a bit of ranty tangent there. I'm also not trying to specifically criticise what you and Dave do (in fact obviously I'm more annoyed by what my own friends do/have done ), I'm just saying that generally I don't like being the third party who means to communicate with one half of a couple and gets the other.

 

Actually though, I think that brings up another point to this whole conversation that hasn't been explored very much. Is it right to go through a SO's phone/email/messages etc. from the standpoint of violating the privacy of the person communicating with them? If someone reads their boyfriend's text message that I sent isn't that violating my privacy as well?

 

I try to respect that couples have a special sort of connection and share things with their partner, but there are a lot of personal things that I might confide in a close friend that I simply wouldn't want his boyfriend to know. I can think of tons of examples in my own personal life. I usually get along really well with my friends' boyfriends/girlfriends/family/other friends, but that doesn't mean I want a direct transmission of information to these people! There are a lot of things that I might want to share with my close friend of three years that I don't want him to discuss with his boyfriend of three months. If said boyfriend goes snooping then I feel like my privacy is being violated.

 

 

Anyway, just some thoughts. Take care all

-Kevin

Edited March 9, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Sir Galahad]

lol. Yeah I can see how that could be annoying. But he only answers my mobile of vice versa if I can't get to it! The txts are a different matter, then he'll only really look at it once it's been opened. If someone has told me something personal then he respects that.

[writeincode]

Actually though, I think that brings up another point to this whole conversation that hasn't been explored very much. Is it right to go through a SO's phone/email/messages etc. from the standpoint of violating the privacy of the person communicating with them? If someone reads their boyfriend's text message that I sent isn't that violating my privacy as well?

 

I try to respect that couples have a special sort of connection and share things with their partner, but there are a lot of personal things that I might confide in a close friend that I simply wouldn't want his boyfriend to know. I can think of tons of examples in my own personal life. I usually get along really well with my friends' boyfriends/girlfriends/family/other friends, but that doesn't mean I want a direct transmission of information to these people! There are a lot of things that I might want to share with my close friend of three years that I don't want him to discuss with his boyfriend of three months. If said boyfriend goes snooping then I feel like my privacy is being violated.

Privacy and confidentiality within a couple situation is always a complicated subject. For example, in my degree we had a lecture on client confidentiality and it was like "don't discuss it with anyone even without the name because any information might identify the client" but then they added "well you can talk to your spouse about it but keep it between you." I don't really understand that rationale. I don't talk to anyone about clients because no matter what my relationship is with the person I'm discussing it with I feel that still violates client confidentiality.

 

That might've gotten a bit off track but what I'm kinda saying is that yeh, I'm more inclined to be concerned about the privacy of the person communicating rather than the spouse in a txt/email/whatever situation.

Edited March 10, 2009 by writeincode