Malcolm and the Rent Boy by Sendraguy

[Greedya]

Malcolm and the Rent Boy by Sendraguy (link)

 

EDIT: To other readers: I have to add that I LOVE the story. The story is good, and I had a really good laugh so far. Don't be shocked by the sheer volume of criticism here. I just wanna be a useful (and annoying) reviewer.

[Greedya]

Ch. 1

Malcolm glanced down at the kitchen table where his favourite magazine

Young and Horsehung

lay open.

Weak opening sentence. Don't expect the reader to get hooked by the magazine title since you don't reveal Malcolm's reaction much (is he bored? does he feel aroused? is he crying why glancing at it?). Nor did you lace the images of 'young and hung' into your words. Consider these opening sentences:

(a) I glanced down at the Italian dish that is known as Delico Lasagna Maxima.

(b ) Hot steam flying from golden-brown lasagna, the dish heated the dining room with a sweet-spicy scent of herbs and fresh cheese.

(c ) My stomach groans with gluttonous lust.

I advise against (a). The tone is neutral and the visual is weak. (b ) sets up the scene and the mood in a slow, building pace. (c ) gets right to the action and gives the feel of the moment. You may use strategy (b ) or (c ) or come up with something else that fits your style. But remember to (1) pack a punch in the opening sentence, (2) set the right tone at the right pacing (well begun is half done), and (3) make it visual.

He flicked casually through the serried, fleshy delights, until a vague stirring in his pyjamas signalled that it was time to break from this penile perusal, and have breakfast.

I feel this sentence awkward for two reasons. One, the temporal order isn't well set. Surely, the 'vague stirring' and page flicking goes hand in hand. But you make it sound like the stirring didn't happen, or wasn't noticeable, until a certain point. This weakens the tone of the 'fleshy delights' a little, methinks. Two, I assume that the 'stirring' is also a form of pleasure. Human instincts don't run away from pleasure unless they have to. A natural signal to remind someone to eat is the stomach, or the amount of saliva, NOT the penis. Sorry, this sentence isn't convincing at all. Is awkward and contradicts my common sense.

I love this term 'penile perusal' - alliterative and witty. Um, if you wanna be a little poetic, try 'penial perusal' (the word 'penial' may be confusing to some readers, though).

Unpeeling his banana, the old Yorkshire man reflected on how much his life had changed recently; he was now free!

Bad transition. From reading casually to horniness to hunger to self reflection in a three-sentence paragraph? This is crazy, man. You need smoother transitions. A better flow. The story sounds right, but I believe the problem here is narration.

his parents' shock decision to quit the family home

Are there signs that he notices just now but didn't notice before? Just a thought.

But today, he decided, it was time to snap out of it: he needed socialisation

I am a little confused here. In previous para, his hobbies (watching porn, spying on local boys, watching films) imply that he prefers solitude. So, recent incidents at the railway station are external stimuli that change his preference? Sounds like there's a mystery here that you don't wish to unveil yet. I will read on.

He rummaged idly through his mother's toiletries, then he picked up a box of her hair dye, eyeing it wistfully.

I make a mental note - that box will appear again in the story.

as an educator had hated children

Now I understand what politicians hate. LoL!

date-expired food lay festering

rugby-tackling some of those heavyweight women

The rugby-tackling action could make another great scene! I have something nasty in my mind now, but I'm too lazy to write (*sighs*).

Egg ran down Malcolm's chin as, with trembling hand, he wrote down the contact number on a napkin.

What a picture to image! This is great.

He'd return it [newspaper] to the kiosk and get his money back.

Man, I heard a rumour that there's a student who bought a heater and then returned it after winter to get his money back. Also, there is a newspaper rental business. The economy is complicated because people are complicated. BTW, did the story take place in the 21st century? The Internet would be my first-choice library of classified ads (plus, there are photos and rich media to help making decisions). Again, older guys may prefer doing things the way they feel comfortable.

The Polish waitress busied herself...

How could he know that she's Polish? He didn't even know her name.

with irritation that, it being a mobile, it would cost him more

Ok so Malcolm uses either home phone or prepaid mobile phone. Um, these days most phones are bought with contracts. I'm on a 24-month plan (gee). Speaking of escorts, some escorts state in their profiles that they don't read text messages, they don't answer private numbers, and they are * friendly and intelligent *. It doesn't sound right to me. Some of them frequent the chatroom on Gaydar and I can feel they are extremely delighted when contacted. This means some escorts are popular and real busy, and the others have to sell hard.

Malcolm felt faint. His first motor car had cost less than a night with Stryker.

He choked back the urge to ask if the escort did concessions for the over 60s.

My body roared with laughter, man. 'Inflation, inflation', I chant.

Eighty quid was at stake, money that one of them needed to earn, and the other wanted to keep.

Excellent line. You may have noticed that I'm very fond of dualities.

'I'm out of here. Sorry we've wasted each other's time

. You won't be seeing me again

. And by the way if you're planning to hook up with anybody, here's some advice. Check the bathroom mirror'

What an anti-climax. I really wanna know how Colin says it. Sure, he's more polite than Glenn Roberts. But as I can't visualise the climax scene, I can just assume that Colin acts like he is pissed and disgusted and shouts at the old man's face (perhaps slam the door shut). In physics, * hem * there are two components of "momentum," mass and velocity. Momentum is a measure of motion in physics. So is writing. Is the scene supposed to give you a heavy heart? Are the actions supposed to be fast-paced? Momentum is like flow of a story. Before introducing a climax, it would be great if you could build up the momentum first. But if building up the momentum isn't appropriate because the climax is planned to be abrupt, then try to electrify the reader. Don't just describe the scene. Make the reader feel it.

The ending paragraphs are hilarious! I love the way you pick up details like egg and hair dye. The hair dye stuff is a bit too obvious and weakens the effectiveness a bit, just a wee bit. But still, I have a really good laugh. Bravo! Thanks for lighting up my night.

----------

Anyway, come to think of it, most of my comments here are not valid for your current piece. Please feel free to discuss with me. After all, my opinions are pretty much coloured by my taste.

[Greedya]

Ch. 2

 

 

The Roy character - what a clever thing to do. You create a character that possesses similar stinginess. You know, according to classical economics, competition is good for the consumers. As the two characters fight to death (not paying the bill), the winner is obviously the reader! Awesome.

- God! It isn't optimal to carry too many coins, as the weight of the coins would wear out the calorie reserves and hence the need to refill energy.

- Your switching back and forth between points of view interrupts the flow of the story.

he was describing rationing during World War Two to a young conductor at the train station when he stopped him midstream and called security.

I have an impression that you witnessed something like that before, and many times. I remember my flight from Frankfurt to somewhere in Asia (doesn't remember); a fifty-ish Englishman sat next to me and started conversing. He first asked where I was from and bla bla bla.. and when he talked about politics, I couldn't stand it 'cause he talked much more than he listened.

'Not open yet, it's nearly ten!' Malcolm was unhappy.

Ineffective. The obvious 'unhappy' should be replaced by his face or the way he says it.

'She's my mother' Malcolm blurted out. Then he turned to face Miss Freddy Scrope.

'Mother!'

 

Oh my god. WTF!! This is a horrible thing to do, man, but.. but.. I'm laughing like a hyena.

Dignity urgently needed to be restored. The humiliated official turned to Malcolm and said,

The pace of motion doesn't sound 'urgent' lol. The tone is quite neutral.

'Where are my papers, my accounts, my catalogues? And why are the only items in this folder

Railway Modeller

and

Frat Boys like it hot and hard?'

I wish she said it out loud. *feigns a frown*

[Sendraguy]

Ch. 1

Malcolm glanced down at the kitchen table where his favourite magazine

Young and Horsehung

lay open.

Weak opening sentence. Don't expect the reader to get hooked by the magazine title since you don't reveal Malcolm's reaction much (is he bored? does he feel aroused? is he crying why glancing at it?). Nor did you lace the images of 'young and hung' into your words. Consider these opening sentences:

(a) I glanced down at the Italian dish that is known as Delico Lasagna Maxima.

(b ) Hot steam flying from golden-brown lasagna, the dish heated the dining room with a sweet-spicy scent of herbs and fresh cheese.

(c ) My stomach groans with gluttonous lust.

I advise against (a). The tone is neutral and the visual is weak. (b ) sets up the scene and the mood in a slow, building pace. (c ) gets right to the action and gives the feel of the moment. You may use strategy (b ) or (c ) or come up with something else that fits your style. But remember to (1) pack a punch in the opening sentence, (2) set the right tone at the right pacing (well begun is half done), and (3) make it visual.

He flicked casually through the serried, fleshy delights, until a vague stirring in his pyjamas signalled that it was time to break from this penile perusal, and have breakfast.

I feel this sentence awkward for two reasons. One, the temporal order isn't well set. Surely, the 'vague stirring' and page flicking goes hand in hand. But you make it sound like the stirring didn't happen, or wasn't noticeable, until a certain point. This weakens the tone of the 'fleshy delights' a little, methinks. Two, I assume that the 'stirring' is also a form of pleasure. Human instincts don't run away from pleasure unless they have to. A natural signal to remind someone to eat is the stomach, or the amount of saliva, NOT the penis. Sorry, this sentence isn't convincing at all. Is awkward and contradicts my common sense.

I love this term 'penile perusal' - alliterative and witty. Um, if you wanna be a little poetic, try 'penial perusal' (the word 'penial' may be confusing to some readers, though).

Unpeeling his banana, the old Yorkshire man reflected on how much his life had changed recently; he was now free!

Bad transition. From reading casually to horniness to hunger to self reflection in a three-sentence paragraph? This is crazy, man. You need smoother transitions. A better flow. The story sounds right, but I believe the problem here is narration.

his parents' shock decision to quit the family home

Are there signs that he notices just now but didn't notice before? Just a thought.

But today, he decided, it was time to snap out of it: he needed socialisation

I am a little confused here. In previous para, his hobbies (watching porn, spying on local boys, watching films) imply that he prefers solitude. So, recent incidents at the railway station are external stimuli that change his preference? Sounds like there's a mystery here that you don't wish to unveil yet. I will read on.

He rummaged idly through his mother's toiletries, then he picked up a box of her hair dye, eyeing it wistfully.

I make a mental note - that box will appear again in the story.

as an educator had hated children

Now I understand what politicians hate. LoL!

date-expired food lay festering

rugby-tackling some of those heavyweight women

The rugby-tackling action could make another great scene! I have something nasty in my mind now, but I'm too lazy to write (*sighs*).

Egg ran down Malcolm's chin as, with trembling hand, he wrote down the contact number on a napkin.

What a picture to image! This is great.

He'd return it [newspaper] to the kiosk and get his money back.

Man, I heard a rumour that there's a student who bought a heater and then returned it after winter to get his money back. Also, there is a newspaper rental business. The economy is complicated because people are complicated. BTW, did the story take place in the 21st century? The Internet would be my first-choice library of classified ads (plus, there are photos and rich media to help making decisions). Again, older guys may prefer doing things the way they feel comfortable.

The Polish waitress busied herself...

How could he know that she's Polish? He didn't even know her name.

with irritation that, it being a mobile, it would cost him more

Ok so Malcolm uses either home phone or prepaid mobile phone. Um, these days most phones are bought with contracts. I'm on a 24-month plan (gee). Speaking of escorts, some escorts state in their profiles that they don't read text messages, they don't answer private numbers, and they are * friendly and intelligent *. It doesn't sound right to me. Some of them frequent the chatroom on Gaydar and I can feel they are extremely delighted when contacted. This means some escorts are popular and real busy, and the others have to sell hard.

Malcolm felt faint. His first motor car had cost less than a night with Stryker.

He choked back the urge to ask if the escort did concessions for the over 60s.

My body roared with laughter, man. 'Inflation, inflation', I chant.

Eighty quid was at stake, money that one of them needed to earn, and the other wanted to keep.

Excellent line. You may have noticed that I'm very fond of dualities.

'I'm out of here. Sorry we've wasted each other's time

. You won't be seeing me again

. And by the way if you're planning to hook up with anybody, here's some advice. Check the bathroom mirror'

What an anti-climax. I really wanna know how Colin says it. Sure, he's more polite than Glenn Roberts. But as I can't visualise the climax scene, I can just assume that Colin acts like he is pissed and disgusted and shouts at the old man's face (perhaps slam the door shut). In physics, * hem * there are two components of "momentum," mass and velocity. Momentum is a measure of motion in physics. So is writing. Is the scene supposed to give you a heavy heart? Are the actions supposed to be fast-paced? Momentum is like flow of a story. Before introducing a climax, it would be great if you could either build up the momentum first. But if building up the momentum isn't appropriate because the climax is planned to be abrupt, then try to electrify the reader. Don't just describe the scene. Make the reader feel it.

The ending paragraphs are hilarious! I love the way you pick up details like egg and hair dye. The hair dye stuff is a bit too obvious and weakens the effectiveness a bit, just a wee bit. But still, I have a really good laugh. Bravo! Thanks for lighting up my night.

----------

Anyway, come to think of it, most of my comments here are not valid for your current piece. Please feel free to discuss with me. After all, my opinions are pretty much coloured by my taste.

[Sendraguy]

Your critical powers are impressive and I'm indebted to your perseverence. Now it's time for me to MAN UP! This chapter 1 started life as a one off about an old, dysfunctional guy living with ancient parents. Magazines ran screaming from it LOL, but I didn't want to lose the material, so I switched it around. BAD MOVE, you'll always get caught out. If I re-read the whole thing and think it's worth it I'll do a re-write, but my objects of attack and bitter humour aren't shared by eveyone, as I now know. You are smart enough to see where I'm going, but for others here it is,

 

I hate meanness ( US = cheap) and in the UK, the residents of Yorkshire are famous for holding on to their money

I hate old people shafting the young. The Malcolm story has the kids coming out ahead. This isn't a stunt.

I can't stand aristocracy. My characters here are simple, and silly stereotypes, but the real thing still exists in the UK, trust me.

 

Love the food references, btw.

 

Dave

 

Ch. 2

 

 

The Roy character - what a clever thing to do. You create a character that possesses similar stinginess. You know, according to classical economics, competition is good for the consumers. As the two characters fight to death (not paying the bill), the winner is obviously the reader! Awesome.

- God! It isn't optimal to carry too many coins, as the weight of the coins would wear out the calorie reserves and hence the need to refill energy.

- Your switching back and forth between points of view interrupts the flow of the story.

he was describing rationing during World War Two to a young conductor at the train station when he stopped him midstream and called security.

I have an impression that you witnessed something like that before, and many times. I remember my flight from Frankfurt to somewhere in Asia (doesn't remember); a fifty-ish Englishman sat next to me and started conversing. He first asked where I was from and bla bla bla.. and when he talked about politics, I couldn't stand it 'cause he talked much more than he listened.

'Not open yet, it's nearly ten!' Malcolm was unhappy.

Ineffective. The obvious 'unhappy' should be replaced by his face or the way he says it.

'She's my mother' Malcolm blurted out. Then he turned to face Miss Freddy Scrope.

'Mother!'

 

Oh my god. WTF!! This is a horrible thing to do, man, but.. but.. I'm laughing like a hyena.

Dignity urgently needed to be restored. The humiliated official turned to Malcolm and said,

The pace of motion doesn't sound 'urgent' lol. The tone is quite neutral.

'Where are my papers, my accounts, my catalogues? And why are the only items in this folder

Railway Modeller

and

Frat Boys like it hot and hard?'

I wish she said it out loud. *feigns a frown*

[Sendraguy]

If you've made it through Ch 2, the rest gets easier, cos you meet Colin and Rupert and they are much more fun. Btw, for the benefit of non-UK readers, the references to 'big houses' and the posh folk are not idle. In the northern part of the country, there are literally thousands of such houses, and the rich and very rich are a real presence in daily life. I'm pleased you like Roy, D .. He's the genial, smiling face of Yorkshire!

[Greedya]

If I re-read the whole thing and think it's worth it I'll do a re-write

Up to you, but if I may request, I'd request that you spend your precious time writing Marc Jesmond.

 

You don't owe me anything. I wasn't happy that earlier I didn't give Marc Jesmond thoughtful reviews that the story deserves. So I'm repaying the debt. Usually readers should feel grateful that they read free stories, but in this wicked world, what we do is quite the other way round.

 

Anyway I wish that there are points that you disagree lol. I love it when someone points to me that I'm wrong. I hate being right all the time. (nah, meanness = extreme stinginess)