Coming Out

[Bumblebee]

I was just wondering who has come out yet, and what your experience was like.

 

and if you have any advice on coming out it would be appreciated.

 

Edit: Fixed the poll btw

Edited February 14, 2011 by Bumblebee

[Marzipan]

I have a feeling, that nobody is gonna say anything bad to my face If/when I tell them. I'm kinda scary I guess... My friends were not surprised, they had already suspected I might go for ladies too, even before me, lol

 

But I really am such a private person, that I only tell to those that really matter to me. Who'se business is it anyway who I like? If I'm gonna have a girlfriend, I'm not gonna hide her from anyone. Just as if I have a boyfriend.

 

Just be you, hon! It'll work out fine I'm sure.

[Caedus]

Bumblebee, you need to add an option for the voters who said "no" or else they can't vote.

 

My advice would be to way the benefits and risks of coming out. Circumstances may vary and the decision Is yours to make, but for better or worse there's no real turning back once you start to out yourself.

 

Just make sure you make a decision that benefits you first. imo, you shouldn't do it because you feel pressure to do it from someone else. Here in the US there isn't that great protection for discrimination based on sexual orientation, and while I know most people don't advertise their private lives at work, there's always the risk of having your employer somehow finding out and it effecting you negatively.

 

Anyways hope this helps.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Caedus

[Agaith]

Ill mention my experience but mine wont neceassarily fit your situation but hey ho.

I first told a friend that id known for years and she accepted me no problem I told a second friend later on and she was great about it as well.

I then told my parents i was gay just before I started university. They were a bit shocked but mum said that it doesnt matter whether Im gay or straight they still love me.

Nothing's changed after that, its life as normal when I go back home.

Actually mum said that if I ever meet a guy then I should be able to talk to her about it as if I was telling her about a girl I liked. So my experience was pretty positive.

 

Im guessing you've gauged or you should gauge the reactions to gay people of the person who want to tell, I know i did for a while before i told anyone.

 

Whatever you do Bee hope it works for you

[Cyhort]

I'm a pretty private person in real life so I never really felt the need to shout it to the world or anything, but I did tell my parents. I couldn't really get around that one, lol. I told my mom in an email when I was 500 miles away and told her to tell my dad so I'm not sure what their initial reactions were. They're perfectly fine with it though. My dad is actually more cool about it than my mom. He has no problem asking about my boyfriend but my mom never knows what to call him. It's always something like "So how's your..um, friend?". lol.

[Raijen]

Coming out is an extremely personal decision. What works for one person might not work for another.

 

The best advice is to slowly warm people up to the idea. Maybe talk about a friend who recently came out (make one up if you have to) and gauge your family's reactions. As for real friends and coming out to them... If they freak out, they were never your friends to begin with.

 

Thankfully, in most places being gay isn't looked down upon as much as it used to be. Just use your head, be smart, and be prepared for any heartache that may come with it. I'm sure you're a strong person though.

[Zolia Lily]

Pretty sure my mum's been expecting me to come out for a while now.... which is weird. I keep getting all these lectures about how parents love their children no matter what, and how all parents really want is for their children to be happy... and IF either me or my sister was gay, while she wouldn't have chosen that for us since it's a hard road, as long as we're happy then she'll be happy too.....

I've sat through this lecture quite a few times now. It's kind of funny, since i'm not gay (i don't think), but i do write gay fiction. Haven't told her that yet.

I keep thinking i should put her out of misery, but i think she's given up on me for now.

 

My sister's best friend recently came out to his family, knowing they wouldn't react well, and promptly got disowned and kicked out. He hadn't planned on doing it until he could move out, but he didn't feel like he could lie to them any more. Not telling you this to strike fear into your heart (his cultural background may have had a lot to do with his parents' opinions), but because i think there is a point at which telling the truth, or needing to be yourself and be honesty, becomes a priority. (He has since moved back in, but they don't mention it. They ignore it as much as possible. It sounds like a pretty crappy situation to me). I think weighing up the situation is important though.

 

but it is a deeply personal decision, and no one knows your family and friends like you do.

 

One thing i would do is plan carefully. For all eventualities.

If things go wrong, do you have somewhere you could go? Someone who'd help you out?

If they're ok, then great, but i've heard of people being met with disbeleif too, or being told they're not gay...

I'd write things down, plan what you're going to say... think about how they may react, think about how you'd react to their reactions, and be prepared for anything.

More than anything, i'd say just not to walk in blind. To be prepared.

 

I hope this helps. I'm not really in the same position, but i am always here to talk if you need someone to talk to. Apparently i'm good to talk to

 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

[Bumblebee]

thanks everyone for the advice... its given me a lot to think about

[DragonMando]

I've had very, very mixed results with coming out.

 

With the friends I actually wanted to come out to, and finally did, it was no big deal to them--some already knew something was a little off, and they just couldn't put their finger on it.

 

With parents...I came out to my mom on accident, really. I had no intention of telling her, but it slipped out. It ended with me getting kicked out with $40 to my name and nowhere to go that I knew of at the time, so I did the only thing I could--I started borrowing people's phones and calling people from college I barely knew or knew they were some level of homophobic because they were the only people nearby I knew.

 

When I finally got hold of someone that would take me in for a few days, and came out in the process because they needed to know why I was suddenly on the streets, I was treated...well...not as openly as they'd like to believe. Yeah they let me stay, but every day was filled with "You need to get this right with God", and "Why are you not in counceling to cure this?".

 

So I've had most of the spectrum of reactions now.

[TrevorTime]

I told my mom when I was 15. I had just gotten my hair cut like one of the TV boys I liked at the time (Reese from Malcolm's show). So I figured I needed a valid reason to tell her why I suddenly changed my look.

 

It actually went very well. One thing in my favor is that since she was divorced, I figured she would not risk losing two men in her life. Yeah, I know that's a crappy reason, but kids of divorced parents play them against each other all the time.

 

After years of sneaking around, I finally told my dad last year. Again, that went better then I had thought I would go. The details of that coming out experience are in my blog.

 

Yeah they let me stay, but every day was filled with "You need to get this right with God", and "Why are you not in counseling to cure this?".

Grrrrrr, I won't even allow myself to be around people like that. I'm already "right with God". I believe he made me gay for a reason; so why should I go against what He wants? I actually enjoy being gay; it's liberating.

[Marzipan]

I've had very, very mixed results with coming out.

 

With the friends I actually wanted to come out to, and finally did, it was no big deal to them--some already knew something was a little off, and they just couldn't put their finger on it.

 

With parents...I came out to my mom on accident, really. I had no intention of telling her, but it slipped out. It ended with me getting kicked out with $40 to my name and nowhere to go that I knew of at the time, so I did the only thing I could--I started borrowing people's phones and calling people from college I barely knew or knew they were some level of homophobic because they were the only people nearby I knew.

 

When I finally got hold of someone that would take me in for a few days, and came out in the process because they needed to know why I was suddenly on the streets, I was treated...well...not as openly as they'd like to believe. Yeah they let me stay, but every day was filled with "You need to get this right with God", and "Why are you not in counceling to cure this?".

 

So I've had most of the spectrum of reactions now.

 

 

Soo sorry to hear that your mum is idiot for treating you that way. What is wrong with people ???? I'm just asking. Grrrrr.... Nobody should kick their kids out, no matter what reason.

 

Just be you, hon!

[Marzipan]

 

Grrrrrr, I won't even allow myself to be around people like that. I'm already "right with God". I believe he made me gay for a reason; so why should I go against what He wants? I actually enjoy being gay; it's liberating.

 

 

Good for you!

[Marzipan]

Pretty sure my mum's been expecting me to come out for a while now.... which is weird. I keep getting all these lectures about how parents love their children no matter what, and how all parents really want is for their children to be happy... and IF either me or my sister was gay, while she wouldn't have chosen that for us since it's a hard road, as long as we're happy then she'll be happy too.....

I hope this helps. I'm not really in the same position, but i am always here to talk if you need someone to talk to. Apparently i'm good to talk to

 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

I'm with Lily on this! Her mum sounds so amaxing, actually my mum is cool too. She is trying to out me all the time, but if I give it to her, she won't ever stop asking and discussinga and just being nosy.

 

And Lils, mums know best, so....

[Tipdin]

My family and friends had no problem with my being gay. I was the one that had a problem with it. I got over it - eventually.

[Former Member]

I came out to my two best friends first, and they didn't expect it, but they accepted me without a second thought.

 

I came out to my parents a few weeks later, and they were also a bit shocked, but they accept me as well, although I think it took them a bit longer than my friends. They aren't homophobes or anything, so it works out fine ^^ My brother and I talk about it sometimes, and it's like a conversation about the weather! It's so easy! I'm really happy about that.

 

I haven't really told any of my other family members, but it's not like I'm hiding it either. I just don't think it's necessary for me to just walk up to them and say, "Hey, guess what? I like girls!". After all, it's not like other people walk up to me, saying "Hey, guess what? I'm straight!". So if they ask, I'll tell them that, yes, I'm bisexual. But they haven't asked (yet), and I'm fine with that too.

 

Although, now that I think about it, the girlfriend of an uncle of mine knows of my sexuality as well, and she was a bit surprised when she heard about it, but she was very nice. She asked me some questions about it, she was genuinely interested actually.

 

But I have to admit I'm kind of scared to tell my father's family. You see, a (female) cousin of mine also isn't straight, and I've heard that she was very scared to come out, being the "shame of the family". I don't really know how most of that part of my family thinks about homosexuality. I know my grandmother is against, but I'm hell bent on telling her one day.

 

As for my mother's family, they are a bit more relaxed, so I think they won't mind too much, if at all.

 

Okay, sorry for blabbing, I guess I got carried away ^^'

[James Hiwatari]

In my case, everyone was kind of expecting me to come out as lesbian...

 

And then I came out as trans.

 

 

The whole "I'm actually a guy" made my family pretty confused at first (apart from my mother, who knew from very early on and was always extremely supportive). They're slowly getting used to it, though they still mix up pronouns and names (I can't really blame them, though. They knew me for 18 years before I came out).

 

And then I came out as "bisexual, mostly gay" and it was probably too much for their poor brains to process...

 

I think they are still pretty confused, but they all said they love me and if it makes me happy being the way I am then it's ok for them.

[Docile]

When I came out no one actually believed me. I live in an area where gay men are expected to be perfect molds of the stereotype, and often are. I'm tall, athletic and mild mannered, so there's no way I could be gay as those people are slim, short and flamboyant. I'd like to be able to say "be yourself, it'll all work out for the best" but I can't do that in good conscience if I don't know where you live. Canada is one the countries more forgiving to gay relationships, but even still not very far from me a gay couple was recently burned out of their home while they were inside sleeping. It isn't fair for you to have to hide any part of your identity, and I'm not saying that you do. Only you know your situation well enough to be the judge of who you should or shouldn't tell. If you are at all concerned, you could perhaps first talk to someone you know not to be homophobic, or someone who has an implicit confidentiality agreement (a councilor, a student adviser, a doctor, etc.). and ask for their advice.

Edited February 11, 2011 by Docile

[Jon T Lappin]

If I had one tip, it'd be for people to wait until they are 18 if they can. That way, most of the negative consequences can be avoided.

 

I'm completely out to everyone, except my dad, who I don't really have a relationship with anyway. I actually had a good experience with coming out. All my friends were completely supportive, which doesn't suprise me because I'm drawn to open minded people. I don't think they would have been my friends to begin with if I ever thought they'd have a problem.

 

My mom took it okay. When I told her, I was already moved out, on my own, and really didn't care if she accepted it or not. I didn't really have a good relationship with her to begin with, so when I told her, it was kind of like, meh, you either deal with it or don't, I don't really care. She deals with it, our relationship hasn't changed, although we don't discuss it ever, which is fine, because I really don't want to discuss my love life with her to begin with. She'll find 1000 things to bitch about anyone I'm with, anyway.

 

 

[TetRefine]

Mine kinda happened unexpectedly. I got asked the question after a giant fight, and while I didn't say a straight 'Yes', I said it. I couldn't and still can't bring myself to say 'I'm gay'. If someone asked me, I'd say 'Yes', but I wouldn't say 'Yes I'm gay'. That 3 letter G-word makes me cringe every time I say it when its referring to me. I remember I didn't feel any relief at other people knowing because it didn't really change much, and I got severe depression for about 6 months after it. My parents were the first to know back in April '09 (I was 17 at the time), and my when I went to my doctor for an annual check-up I got the 'are you sexually active' question. I said yes, and she said 'with guys or girl' (a question they have to ask nowadays I guess), and I shocked myself and her by saying guys. She definitely wasn't expecting that answer, since I don't in any way, shape or form fit into the typical gay stereotype.

 

My brother, who started getting suspicious as to why I was leaving on weekends (I was going to see my boyfriend) took my phone and went through my text messages. He found some rather obvious text messages to my boyfriend and he was shocked. He couldn't believe that his macho, sports-playing, not in any way gay brother could actually be gay. He got angry and sent threatening texts to my boyfriend while we were out on a date, and that got me above the highest ager levels. I was going to go home and crack his skull open with my fists, but a very wise person convinced me not to do it. My brother and I (who have had a very rocky relationship for the last couple years for other reasons) stopped speaking completely after that, and we still haven't really talked to each other since. There was one incident over Christmas where he called me a 'Nelly Little Fag' and he readily caught my fist in his cheek and was knocked to the ground.

 

My parents accepted me for who I was, as I knew they would, and my brother was shocked at being blind-sighted and reacted with anger. I enjoy a good relationship with my parents, and enjoy (yes, I enjoy it) a minimal to no relationship with my brother. Now that I am in college, we have essentially gone to nothing, related by mutual parents and thats about as deep as we consider our relationship: One of unfortunate coincidence, not family.

[Y_B]

Your poll makes it impossible to vote "no"

 

Now, onto the topic....I guess "coming out" means different things to different people. I think of it as implying that you've allowed the people who matter in your life to know that you're not straight....and I don't plan on making that happen, at least not on a large scale and absolutely not on a full scale. Something that's always bothered me is that amongst lgbt, coming out is made to be this universal next-step-up kinda thing that needs to be achieved I don't see it that way. This is private and it doesn't make me feel guilty or unhappy to not disclose of that fact. Contrarily, I live with the satisfaction of knowing that I'm closeted. A few people know but they're long distance friends/acquaintances and I don't mind. They and GA provide me enough outlet.

 

And of course...I know that all this will lead to some problems later on but I'll cross that bridge when it gets there.

[Marzipan]

Mine kinda happened unexpectedly. I got asked the question after a giant fight, and while I didn't say a straight 'Yes', I said it. I couldn't and still can't bring myself to say 'I'm gay'. If someone asked me, I'd say 'Yes', but I wouldn't say 'Yes I'm gay'. That 3 letter G-word makes me cringe every time I say it when its referring to me. I remember I didn't feel any relief at other people knowing because it didn't really change much, and I got severe depression for about 6 months after it. My parents were the first to know back in April '09 (I was 17 at the time), and my when I went to my doctor for an annual check-up I got the 'are you sexually active' question. I said yes, and she said 'with guys or girl' (a question they have to ask nowadays I guess), and I shocked myself and her by saying guys. She definitely wasn't expecting that answer, since I don't in any way, shape or form fit into the typical gay stereotype.

 

My brother, who started getting suspicious as to why I was leaving on weekends (I was going to see my boyfriend) took my phone and went through my text messages. He found some rather obvious text messages to my boyfriend and he was shocked. He couldn't believe that his macho, sports-playing, not in any way gay brother could actually be gay. He got angry and sent threatening texts to my boyfriend while we were out on a date, and that got me above the highest ager levels. I was going to go home and crack his skull open with my fists, but a very wise person convinced me not to do it. My brother and I (who have had a very rocky relationship for the last couple years for other reasons) stopped speaking completely after that, and we still haven't really talked to each other since. There was one incident over Christmas where he called me a 'Nelly Little Fag' and he readily caught my fist in his cheek and was knocked to the ground.

 

My parents accepted me for who I was, as I knew they would, and my brother was shocked at being blind-sighted and reacted with anger. I enjoy a good relationship with my parents, and enjoy (yes, I enjoy it) a minimal to no relationship with my brother. Now that I am in college, we have essentially gone to nothing, related by mutual parents and thats about as deep as we consider our relationship: One of unfortunate coincidence, not family.

 

 

I think I really do understand some of your opinnions better after reading this. Thank you for sharing.

 

The waiting untill you are 18 advice is a good one, in more than one reasons.

[thephoenix]

I think I really do understand some of your opinnions better after reading this. Thank you for sharing.

 

The waiting untill you are 18 advice is a good one, in more than one reasons.

 

I think it's also important to be fully financially independent if you aren't already.

 

There really isn't much harm in waiting to tell someone (even if their time is almost up....with some exceptions..), but there is a tremendous risk if you tell someone too early.

Edited February 13, 2011 by thephoenix

[Guest Jesse_James]

Coming Out for me was pretty easy. My gay uncle paved the way, I guess. He was one of the first gay people to come out in my family. I told him first, because I sent him a letter and told him what I feeling and asked some questions and he called 9 days later (cuz he lives in the south) and said it made him cry and then proceeded to answers all my questions. Then I came out at the age of 14. I never went through a denial phase or anything, once I had figured it out I came out. Thankfully I had a great support system. People at school accepted it, minus a select few who made it thier mission to pick on me. But it was whatever, I fought back. Overall, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, compared to other people's stories. I mean my dad was a homophobe and over the last 7 years he's grown to accept it. Makes me happy.

[sucre]

Well, I have one foot out the closet, one foot in, I guess.

Since I don't get to see my friends in real life anymore, I'd been open about my orientation over the Internet to them (and everyone else) for a long time, and I would always just elude my mother's questions about my sexuality, so for years I was not lesbian, nor straight, nor asexual, but "wink wink nod nod". So, when I actually told my mom, it just sort of slipped out. She was driving me home from class, and I was all fired about gay rights and whatnot and was ranting on and on about it, when she suddenly pulled a fast one and asked me if I'd figured out what I was yet. She tends to do that. The conversation went like such:

"Have you figured out what you are yet?"

*Grunts* "Bisexual."

*Claps hands to mouth; mother loses control of steering wheel but regains hold.*

"Oh, okay then."

"Yeah."

Awkward, yes? However, I still say that I'm partway in the closet because I've never mentioned it to my dad. I think he'd be okay about it, but sometimes I'm unsure of what his beliefs really are. And, well, I'm starting to doubt more and more whether I'm that bisexual at all, hence, my confession wasn't entirely accurate.

[Marzipan]

Well, I have one foot out the closet, one foot in, I guess.

Since I don't get to see my friends in real life anymore, I'd been open about my orientation over the Internet to them (and everyone else) for a long time, and I would always just elude my mother's questions about my sexuality, so for years I was not lesbian, nor straight, nor asexual, but "wink wink nod nod". So, when I actually told my mom, it just sort of slipped out. She was driving me home from class, and I was all fired about gay rights and whatnot and was ranting on and on about it, when she suddenly pulled a fast one and asked me if I'd figured out what I was yet. She tends to do that. The conversation went like such:

"Have you figured out what you are yet?"

*Grunts* "Bisexual."

*Claps hands to mouth; mother loses control of steering wheel but regains hold.*

"Oh, okay then."

"Yeah."

Awkward, yes? However, I still say that I'm partway in the closet because I've never mentioned it to my dad. I think he'd be okay about it, but sometimes I'm unsure of what his beliefs really are. And, well, I'm starting to doubt more and more whether I'm that bisexual at all, hence, my confession wasn't entirely accurate.

 

 

Thanks for sharing! *grunts*

 

Are you thinking you lean more and more towards gals then?

 

You don't have to decide what your sexuality is, sometimes it can change, take turns. I´m not at ease with the bisexual box either since there is so much more in me that defines my sexuality.