Depression

[Mark92]

I know Suffolk well My mum's friend Kate used to live there, She's Yorkshire too, like me. But moved to Ipswich, then Bury St Edmonds and now In Ely Cambridgeshire.

[Mark92]

This is me venting, I just have to tell someone, just need to get it out, you don't have to read if you don't want.

My oldest pig Cher died last night. I have had her from a little runt piglet , and have lots of babies from her. She was almost 8 a fair age for a breeding sow. And she died snuggled warm with me holding her head. I cried until 8am. I haven't told Stuby, he's got lectures all day to day and needs to concentrate not worry about me. Some of you might think it's strange to mourn a pig? but she was my friend and greeted me every morning. She never lost her temper or bit me or anyone. She was the most laid back pig imaginable.

This comes two days before the aniversary of my mum dieing. Not that I will mourn her. I just feel the great burden she left with me. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have, my animals, my farm and my land and wood, yeah having money is good too. But the house has mum in it, will always have mum in it. And the responsibilities are so heavy sometimes.Thats why when I do get through the gate I'm selling up and moving. Still somewhere remote and with land, I still want to do self-sufficiency just not here. Thats all, I've vented.

 

Hugs all round

[joann414]

Oh, Mark, I am so sorry. Any pet that you live that long with becomes special. Your vent made me cry. I have always been thankful though to be there with some of my pets when they passed. At least maybe they can feel you giving them the last bit of love and affection that you can. Hugs guy, and vent anytime. It you need to talk more pm me. Will be thinking of you.

 

Hugs over and over,

 

Jo Ann

[Mark92]

Thanks Jo I don't have any tears left. So angry with myself too for being such a wuss and not getting out of here.

So sorry I made you cry, it wasn't meant too, honestly by the million too.

[CassieQ]

So sorry Mark. I was devastated when I lost my two kitties, and I had only had them for a few years. It is like losing a member of your family.

[Mark92]

Thanks Cassie, yeah it is like losing a family member, I told Stuby when he called me this afternoon. Can't wait to see him later.

 

Hope everyone else is good

[Conner]

I can only hope that when I pass, my head will lie within strong arms.

[joann414]

That's a wonderful thought because there are some humans that die alone also, with no one to care.

[Yettie One]

Hey Mark, and the rest of ya wonderful gang.

I haven't been into the thread here for a while, kind of got caught up in my own world of activities and stuff recently, and it has been a bit of a welcome break from being constantly faced with woe and worry.

I get so bloody selfish at times it saddens me. I forget that the world is still spinning, and the people that have reached out and helped me when I am down, are still there, some still needing support, others just wanting a bit of a cuddle, or a simple hello.

Meh

I am the first to admit that all too often I get caught up in my own little world, and it seems I suddenly forget those that matter. Right now at this time in my life, I am lucky in that I have a friend who brings me down to earth in the kindest possible way, and prompts me to do this or check up on that, and so after a quick message, i realised i needed to stop by and say hello.

 

Mark I am so sorry about the loss of the beautiful Cher. I don't consider it sad or silly that you mourn a pig. Pets are personal things, a character, a loved on, a special companion in times when human companionship just doesn't cut it. Just coz for you it was a friendship with a pig makes it no more trivial or less impacting for you, and non of us would consider any less of you for feeling the loss of such a close and constant friend.

 

I think most of us at some stage in our life have had to endure the loss of a pet, and they say it is good preparation in learning to deal with loss period. Not sure that I buy into that theory, but I do know that it does hurt.

So for what it is worth, I hope you feel good for having shed a tear, and been suitably moved by the loss of your cherished companion. I respect you and wish I could be there to tell you that it will be alright one day, that things will hurt less, but as I can't please accept this hug over the miles.

 

To those here, the ones that are faithful friends, and loyal followers of the thread, its many contributors, and the people who come and communicate so openly and freely, I admire you all. Talking about the things that trouble us is never easy, and we feel even worse for admitting that we are weak or broken or lost. Putting words to feelings is really scary, and each of us has a different battle to face, a different challenge to tackle, a different monster to bare. Yet we are all similar in that we need each other, and it is this community spirit that I so admire. People coming together to be there for one another. Not all of us for the same reason, yet we open up, we share, we communicate.

 

This is such a wonderful place to meet people, learn to not feel so alone, and it is each and everyone of the contributors of this thread that make it so. No judgement, no jumping to conclusions, no looking down on one another. Is this not what being human is all about? I am grateful for this thread, and for the people that use it, are a part of it, and that have learnt to accept me and support me in ways I never considered possible. Thanks.

[Mark92]

Conner thank you I hope so too

 

They were lovely words Jo

 

And Rob, my man thank you too.

 

Having someone to listen and care is so vital to me. And I have it here in spades.

[comicfan]

Mark,

 

I know we talked for a bit on messenger, but I am still going to write here as well. The loss of animal is nothing to gloss over. We have seen how that affects various people. The affection and love of a pet is unbiased. They love you whether you are mad, smell bad, smell great, have good hair or bad.They are there when you are sick or well. They don't have to be cute, but at some point they worm their way into your heart and enrich your life.

 

Perhaps the most touching and important part of your whole story is at the end you held Cher. If nothing else you were there for her. I will admit to being a coward. I've had to put down more than one beloved pet who was either riddled with cancer or unable to move due to great age. When the doctor came in and asked if I wanted to be there I fell to pieces and no matter how I loved Ruby or Fawn, in the end I couldn't do that for them.

 

Let the ghosts rest and do what is best for you, Mark. Remember, if you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, or even someone to scream at, I am here.

 

Wayne

[Mark92]

Hey Unc, I know your there, and it is much appreciated

These few days will be tough. But, I have Stuby, and my studies to keep my mind busy and not slip. So heres to a quiet uneventful weekend

 

Hugs all round everyone

[Yettie One]

Oi Oi Gang

 

I just felt like popping in and saying hello. Been feeling a little bit lonely today. Not really sure why. Probably the fact that in the middle of really busy days a kinda boring one comes along and your sitting there wondering what to do with yourself.

 

I created work for myself in the end, but still felt a lot out of sorts.

 

Mom's results at the hospital on Thursday too, which is also weighing quite heavily on my mind. Really not sure I want to know if its too serious, but at the same time I need to know. Its a bit of a catch 22.

 

Had some really typical winter weather, not too cold, but cloudy, foggy of note, damp and grey. The stuff that makes the UK famous. It reminds you why the British love to talk about the weather when you see days like that, and I kind miss the sun already. Damn its only autumn and I feel like that already. Heaven help me.

 

Anyway I am just rattling really. I don't wanna give my mind time to sit and ponder or over think things.

 

I'ma going to do down the list and see if I can remember everyone.

 

Marky hope ya doing better big guy and things are going well at the farm. Big huggles as always, and I am gunna get you back about your music boio!

 

Wayne I hope you are having a good week and not working too hard buddy. Smile lots and chill.

 

JoAnn, hope ya having a great one after your wonderful weekend of partying like a 16 year old! I'm surprised you made it in to work on Monday, but yeah sensible thinking to stop at 10 on Sunday. Hope the week is going well. xx

 

Roan, best news ever to hear your back with ya hunk and happy buddy. It is always worth the effort to make things work when they do, so glad you stuck it out and fought for what you want. Hope you're doing well health wise too.

 

Breeze, hunni, I hope your well and having a blast. Haven't see you for a while, so hope all is good your end.

 

Cassie hope work is going well, and the new house is as much fun as you hoped. Keep smiling hun, and have a limited eddition Yettie Snuggle.

 

Connor how ya going fella? Good as ever to see ya posting. Hope all is well with you. xx

 

Harcallard long time no speak man. How you going. Really hope that things have settled down for ya and your in a good place. Drop me a line when you can an lemme know whats up! xx

 

Henry_Henry you still hiding under that bed!!!!! Damn dude. Long time bud. Hope you are well and getting through things.

 

Hi Joe, Hope things with the girlfriend are going well man. Happiness is such a great thing to find, and love and happiness makes for the best place to be. Smile lots man, and let us know how things go! x

 

Billy Brat been so long since I've seen you post buddy. Miss ya. Hope that things are good and going well. Take good care mate. xx

 

Mr Laing! How you going Mike? Hope that your well buddy, and fighting fit. hehe. What ever have you been up to of late? xx

 

ZolaLily sending you massive hugs and thoughts of you bud. I hope you are well, and enjoy the good days when you can. x

 

Jamesavik I love the humour I often see in your posts around the place. Your so whitty sometimes and it cracks me up. Thanks for the smiles and cute kitties! x

 

KC How did things go at work! Sounds hetic there for you at the mo, and sometimes it is good to be busy, so I hope that in its own way it has a positive effect for ya bud. Big hugs over the pond man. x

 

It's cool to go back through the posts I've missed out on and catch up, but it also prompts you, and reminds you of people you haven't had a chance to speak to, or think about for a while. I mean there are so many great people here who have special little ways of saying things or doing things that just make random days cool. I love it, and when I am not able to be an active part of it, I suddenly really miss it.

I mean there are names I am sure I've left out of the list above, people that just as importantly deserve mention and recognition, so hey if you read and think "Oi you hairy rollock, you forgot my hug!!!!" well here is one for those that I missed.

 

Hey thanks for putting up with my ramblings and swings from good days to bad days. It is good to be able to just write, and get it all out somewhere, the good the bad and the ugly. So yeah. Where ever you are, what ever your up to, hope that the skies, the world, the stars, the sun are smiling down on you and your having a good day. xxx

[Mark92]

Thanks for that Yettie And you can't get be back for my music, cos it's too damn good

I'm having a big move round here so everything is all over the place, I've moved my bed into the living room where my PC is, so I'll be snug for the winter. Its only when you start moving stuff, you realise just how much stuff there is. And my poor back, victorian furniture is good but it's piggin heavy.. Besides that a lot of the big books I got to research for The Legacy, and before I actually knew I was gay. Are books on women.So if anyone wants a hardback Playboy or Asian nudes also hardback. let me know and I'll send them too you

 

all round

[harcallard]

I am doing pretty good Yetie One.. Things have picked up at work and I have gone on several auditions, and things with the Bf are going smoothly and I am not on my computer as much as I use to be.

 

However, I am sad....when I first joined GA I was looking to make some on line friends. Grant you, looking back, I may have went about it the wrong way. The result of this was not being able to be in the chat room.. Which may not be such a bad thing in itself....I admit I have an over bearing personality. This is who I am and I cant and wont apologize for it. I am grateful for the friends I have made on here and I hold them close to me...

 

I have worked through some personal stuff. To be honest, I didn't like what I found with most of it. IT was a real eye opener for me. Even though it was painful, I feel it was needed.

 

I tend to be less sad here lately but every now and then I have a bout of it....My friends that I have around where I live have grown accustomed to it and the give me my space until I get over it... It makes me feel bad at times....

 

Even though I may not be on as much as I have been in the past, I hope that whoever wants to keep in touch with me.... will do that.

 

I appreciate each and everyone of you who gave me encouraging words and prayers. You will never know what it means to me.

 

I must close now and get my lazy butt in bed.. work calls in the morning... I praay that each of you have a great day and the rest of the week.

 

Keep a Smile on your face and Love in your heart,

 

Harc

Edited October 29, 2012 by harcallard

[Celethiel]

*kisses Har's Forehead* You found a freind in me

[joann414]

Hi Har, Mark, Yettie, and everyone.

 

Good to hear that you are still doing good Har. Miss seeing you. Will holler at you sometime.

 

Mark and Rob, I see you around pretty much everyday, and try to keep your pulse checked regular, making sure that things are going your way:P

 

Wayne, my friend, I hope you are still great, and keep your head down from the storm, and stay safe.

 

Breeze, Bee, Joe, Conner, Roan, hope life is treating you all good and that thigns are going well for all of you.

Celethiel, good to see you here, and hope you are ok also.

 

Cassie, hope things are getting better for you and that you are enjoying that new home.

 

to all of you.

 

Jo Ann

[Arpeggio]

Spending my birthday alone mostly. I don't know why that depresses me. I guess it's my first birthday with no parents.

[comicfan]

Lacey,

 

Sorry to hear you are alone but it is your birthday so enjoy it however you like.

[joann414]

Lacey, sorry you are alone, but you have all of us here. Wishing you a great birthday, happy thoughts, and many happy years to come to such an awesome young man.

[Mark92]

Hey Lacey, I know how you feel

 

I've just kept myself busy most of the morning. I really know how you're feeling. Throw yourself into your party, enjoy

[Xtro]

Lacey, the one thing which can never be taken from you are your memories of happiness. So go wild - but not crazy, okay?

[JOeKEool]

Well hello friends,

I have been away too long again. I quickly browsed thru' the posts.

I wish the best for all of you. I saw a few new "faces". Welcome to the thread.

I'm sure you will find it beneficial if you need help and always welcoming if you are offering help.

 

Things have changed dramatically in the last month. I stopped in to see Cathy early one morning.

She had just had to fire two people and was leaving on her vacation in a few days.

I jumped in and went to work as a cashier at the store/gas station she manages.

I got 2 days training by people who had only been there a few weeks themselves. We ran the place

quite efficiently for two weeks while she was gone.

 

I still work 2 to 4 hours at night plus working full-time at the store now. I don't always get

enough sleep.I didn't before either.

 

I had to give up watching the grandkids. It seems like I never see them now.

We all go swimming and other fun things when we can. I can relax about my finances now. It was getting

hard to stretch the part-time pay out enough to get by.

 

And-after a lot of yes, no, maybe's-my ex-wife decided to move in here. The original plan was for her to

help me financially. Now I am able to help her a bit. So far things are working quite smoothly. She's been

here a few weeks now.

 

Cathy and I have still NOT been able to arrange that second "date" for dinner and a movie.

I tho't it might be awkward to be friends and me work for her,but so far it is working out well.

I'm very happy with the job and we still get along great. Just no time to get together for anything but work.

 

I'm still not ready to "get involved" so the slow pace of it is fine with me.

 

That's all I have time for. Time for a nap and then maybe take the kids out somewhere after school.(my day off)

I will try to keep in touch more often.

 

Stay strong,

 

Joe

[Mark92]

Hugs all

 

Well that is a much happier post Joe So glad things are coming together for you.

It's been very quiet here of late, I think everyone is just too busy to have time to think.

For me, I'm seeing a shrink, it's sort of unofficial yet because he doesn't want to push me, but he's pretty cool.

I had my assessment by the DSA from the Open University, and because of my circumstances I can have tutorials and my exams at home.

Apart from that its being with Stuby whenever he can, and doing the free online courses the University provides. And right now I'm loving every bit of it.

Hope everyone else is good?? Yeah?? Lets hear it then

 

Hugs

[JMH]

For me I ended up depressed at a very early age. Got to the point when I couldn't remember when I felt different. Of course being in elementary school feeling abandoned and hated it is very hard not to assume being so unhappy is normal or well deserved. Wasn't allowed to eat with the family let alone be in the same room as them. They blamed me for everything. Made every good deed or accomplishment into some monstrous crime.

 

Got to the point that I tried to end my life when I was 12. To help protect myself I develop an iron hard shell to separate myself from the rest of the world. Made it very hard for me to try to make friends. Even when people saw me as a good friend it was and still is very hard for me to accept. By the time I went to college I assumed that the rest of the world would treat me with the same contempt as my family. Spent those four years going weeks without saying so much as a word. Eventually suffered a psychotic breakdown that put me in the hospital for five months.

 

The meds can be hard to deal with. The docs pretty much select them by random and see how they affect you. Taken years before coming up with the right combination that doesn't leave me a zombie or in a state where I cannot feel my true emotions... such as wanting to cry only for the drugs to not let you fall that far. Still tinker with the meds even after all these years. I hate having to take them but I also know remember the physically destructive harm I was doing to myself before I was on them.

 

Still battling my demons. PTSD and night terrors leaves me pretty much an insomniac. Thing though have gotten better over the last few years. I not as bad as I was trying to be a people pleaser to point where I don't take proper care of myself. Still hard to accept compliments and understand I do have people in my life who see me as a good friend but I'm getting there.

 

Anyway, at least in my case I don't think I will ever be free of depression. Just hope to get to the point where it doesn't have total control over my life.