The hilarious story of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'

[Foopy]

First day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

Thank you so much for the partridge! You know how much I love birds. It looks great in the pear tree. I have named it Ronald. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Second day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

Wow, two turtle doves! And another partridge! You're right — Ronald would have been lonely. I'll call her Nancy. They are all singing beautifully together. Thank you so much for a lovely gift.

Third day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

Thank you for the three French hens! One French hen would have been impressive enough. I guess the first two turtle doves would have been lonely without another pair, so thank you for those as well. Ronald and Nancy seem a little confused by their new friend, whom I am naming Mikhail, but I am sure they will grow accustomed to him in time. Thank you again.

Fourth day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

Thank you for  the four calling birds. You really took it to heart when I said that I liked birds. I only got you a sweater, so, please, don't feel obligated to get me anything else. Certainly not more birds. There isn't that much room here, and I am quite happy with the 20 you have already given me. Also, I'm not sure why you brought three more French hens today. Those can't be cheap, and, as you know, I already have three.

Thank you for the wonderful thought. Please, no more birds.

Fifth day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

I so enjoyed our lunch today and your gift of five gold rings. Please tell me it is not true that you came by the house while I was gone and dropped off four more calling birds, three additional French hens, two more turtle doves and another partridge. I explicitly told you not to. I am a little frightened to go home.

Really, your presence is gift enough.

Sixth day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

GEESE? What am I supposed to do with six geese?

I don't know where you are getting all these animals. I worry that you are a bird hoarder. One of my neighbors has complained about the noise. Yesterday, Partridge 4 made a mess on my favorite rug. My house smells like feces.

I must go — one of the geese just laid an egg.

Seventh day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

Please stop. I never did anything to you. Look: I do not want you bringing any more birds to my home. I don't know where you got this tank of swans. They are vicious. They bite. The 12 geese are frightened of them. Partridges 5, 6 and 7 make threatening noises whenever I try to make them go outdoors. My house has become a hell. Stop this, please. No more birds.

Eighth day of Christmas

Dear True Love,

When I said "No more birds," I never thought that this would be your response.

I don't know where you got eight milkmaids. Do I want to know? I do not think so. At first when they showed up I was sure they had the wrong address. But the UPS guy knows me because I had to sign for all those miserable birds.

I tried to find them hotels, but they insisted they would "just stay and milk." I don't want them to stay. I don't want them to milk. I never asked for this. Can you come take the milkmaids at least? I will figure out the birds on my own.

Ninth day of Christmas

Dear Love,

Today I turned off all the lights and hid upstairs in case anyone came with a package I had to sign for. I would have gotten away with it, too, if that turtle dove hadn't bitten me.

There was a small crowd around the house when I came out. Nine ladies were dancing on the doorstep, and eight more milkmaids were with them. When I looked in the tank the number of swans had tripled.

I called you six times. I need to understand why you are doing this. Did someone tell you this was the way to impress a woman? If so, he lied.

Tenth day of Christmas

Dear You,

There are 10 strange men jumping up and down in my house. They claim they are lords. I don't know. I don't know anything any more. They are frightening the birds.

This morning I tried to hide from UPS again, but one of the milkmaids signed on my behalf.

I have left my house. Do not try to find me. Do not send me anything else. Your persecution must cease.

Eleventh day of Christmas

You:

I don't know how you found me. Did I do something that made you hate me? I have been rethinking my whole life, trying to understand what I did to deserve this.

I said I liked birds. Maybe I even said it would be nice to see ladies dancing. But I never said I liked pipe music. Of this I am certain.

Yet there are 11 pipers, piping, outside my window. One of them is holding a partridge. I think the partridge is mocking me.

Twelfth day of Christmas

DEAR MOST LOATHED AND LOATHSOME OF ALL BEINGS:

Today I returned to my home.

Here is what I have: 12 drummers, drumming. Twenty-two pipers, piping. Thirty strange men jumping up and down. Thirty-six ladies, performing an elaborate drum-pipe dance. Forty milkmaids. (They have a cow with them, but I do not like to count the cow.) Forty-two swans, crowded into a tank built for seven. Forty-two geese and more goose eggs than I can shake a stick at. Forty gold rings, which I intend to sell to pay for the removal of all these animals. Thirty-six calling birds, calling. Thirty French hens. Thirty! Twenty-two turtledoves, including the one who bit me. Twelve highly agitated partridges.

You are sick, sick, sick. I never want to see you or speak to you again. I have been reported for animal hoarding and noise pollution.

YOU ARE A MONSTER AND I HATE YOU.

 

http://m.denverpost.com/denverpost/db_/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=WbfdAJPn&full=true#display

 

[hh5]

Here is a Hawaiian 12 Days of Christmas

not sure if the Obama's know this one

 

 

my family loves this song ... many mainlanders don't know this one

Edited December 26, 2012 by hh5

[Maximoff]

Personally I thought the french hens were a reference to old french ladies gossiping... 

[layla]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yasSkqJBytk

this one is my favorite 12 days parody.

Edited December 27, 2012 by layla

[Wicked Witch]

I must admit Foopy, that had my laughing out loud and almost choking on my drink when I begun reading that. I never thought of that song like that.

[Yettie One]

Classic Crimbo Satire.

[Guest rckclimber2772]

Foopy -- I loved this. It made me laugh...