Relationships and Romantic questions

[W_L]

I freely admit, I suck when it comes to romance and relationships. I can guess at other other people's motivations, their desires, their needs, and their wants, but I do not know how to express real emotion beyond just meeting objectives.

 

I think I have done everything right in being a dedicated lover and supportive partner, but I just can't seem to stick in relationships. I am not clingy or overly distant as I can reasonably anticipate what other guys want or need before they ever ask or poses the thought as some of you probably notice I possess a gift of interpretational empathy.

 

I know that I don't express "real" random emotion easily or offer spontaneous warmth, but I really don't know how to do that. I might not try to control a relationship, though I try to control my feelings.

 

I have gotten in and out of so many relationships in the last few years, I am getting close to giving up on dating.

 

Anyone got advice to help?

[TetRefine]

I'm a little confused. Are you saying you are more of a cold and calculating person? Not in the mean, nasty way, but in the way that you can only work toward something if there is a clear objective? Thats what I got from what I read, but I could be totally misunderstanding. 

 

My best advice is to go into a relationship with no future expectations and just see what comes out of it. If it works out, then great. If it doesn't, then theres a whole lot of others out there. By what you say, it seems like your problem isn't finding people to date, but getting things to last. In my opinion, if its meant to be then it will naturally last. If it wasn't mean to be, then it will die naturally. Don't go in at the beginning thinking it will be the guy you end up marrying and you buy a nice house on Beacon Hill, pop out a couple kids, and grow old together. I'm not saying you do this, but just something to keep in mind.

 

Finding the right person, I think, is 10% putting yourself out there, and 90% just pure, random luck. For example, I joined GA with no intention of trying to find a boyfriend. When I first met Camilo on here and we decided to go out, I didn't expect it would end up as it did. I thought it would be like most other teenage romances. Lots of hot sex, overly passionate, and short lived. Now after three years and a whole lot of lucky breaks, we are still together and have begun planning a possible future together. With my first and only boyfriend having turned into a serious relationship, I don't think I did anything "more right" then others. I just got lucky in finding him, and getting the chances to stay together even as our lives changed rapidly as we left home for college.

 

A lot of people look for some magic step-by-step plan to try and make a relationship work. But I don't think there is. Its just getting the lucky break in finding someone and then a combination of luck and just natural flow to allow it work for the long haul. But what do I know, I'm only 20.

[W_L]

I guess I am a cold person and calculating (Accountant stereotype ), though to be honest, I am just really set on objectives and getting things done. I seem to get all the small things right (like noticing details about the other guy like work or family stuff, then giving him support), but can't quite get the big stuff right. I don't expect to be with a guy forever, just as long as I can. It's weird to explain my problem, every guy I dated says I am a great guy and nice. They also said I will find someone better. 

[hh5]

it can be random ... but not always ...

 

it can also be who you know who helps you find your match ... then its left to hope that the chemistry works

it can also be a matter of social convinence ... mutual acceptance ... but not romance ... not love

 

we all witness these permutations ...

in observation ... it can be puzzling if u met someone who can't find his mate ... when u know the person is a wonderful guy

[Finn]

... You remind me of me. I think I'm pretty good at reading people, and /knowing/ how to react to that. That's about it, though. I'm terribly out of touch with /my/ emotions, which is strange, considering that it seems I can give ample console/advice when I'm actually baggered for it. That's the thing though, if I'm not pressured, I don't often do. I really hope it'll be as different as I'm imagining it'll be, in a proper relationship (haven't been in one in a sold one in, like, /so/ many months...).

 

Kind of getting of topic, though, I think. I agree with Tet on "if it's meant to be, it'll be", though that doesn't means you shouldn't try to make something last; just, don't kill yourself in the process. You probably know that, already, though. From your post, it sounds like you're a solid person. Maybe it is just bad draws? I mean, you've still a long life ahead of you; shouldn't get to fazed over your early years in this wide battlefield. ;P

[Y_B]

You failed to mention the most critical thing...

 

Do you give good head?

[rustle]

Are you doing anything for yourself in these relationships, or are you so focused on reading another's wants and needs that you neglect your own, and fail to enjoy the moment? Are you more attuned to your partner's needs than he is, so he doesn't even realize he wants something before you serve it up on a platter?

 

Is Yang on the right track?

 

Relationships involve giving and receiving, both. Did your partner give good head?

[W_L]

Depends on which one, some gave great head and a decent rim job. I also love doing it for them as well depending on the circumstances. On the flip side of things, I have never done anal with any of them as a bottom, fingering is as far as I went.

 

Hope that's not TMI for you YB

 

Rustie, to be honest, I don't know if I received and gave equally. I mean it wasn't bad to be with them, but I tried to be an attentive lover and balance that off with distance. Part of me just didn't want to give too much or too little. I don't know how to explain it completely.

[Y_B]

On the flip side of things, I have never done anal with any of them as a bottom

 

 

After deeply psychoanalyzing the causes of your past failed relationships from a holistic approach, I'm lead to believe the problem roots itself in your failure to have provided an adequate amount of...

 

 

Edited December 30, 2012 by Y_B

[Xtro]

<quote> I don't expect to be with a guy forever, just as long as I can. </quote>

 

I think the above quote - rather than anything physical/sexual - is your underlying problem. 

 

What do you want out of a relationship? 

 

Are you looking for someone interchangeable in regard to casual - or do you want to have a fully functional partnership?  How much are you prepared to forgive in order to maintain the commitment to the relationship?  By forgive, I don't mean a spilled glass of Merlot on the sofa that you know will never come out, or the fact that when he's feeling depressed you end up with some serious crap from QVC (and have to say you really love it - even though you know that, four or five months down the line he'll condemn it as tasteless junk and throw it for you.)  I mean, forgiving him when he forgets his medication, or pays for glasses that are totally wrong but he's too embarrassed to say at the time, or when he forgets an appointment you've spent days setting up with someone...

 

The bedroom is only a tiny part of things if you're looking for a fulfilling long term relationship - the rest is down to the two of you learning how to forgive each other whenever either of you pisses the other off.

[W_L]

I forgive almost anything, especially betrayal (not only infidelity type of betrayal, if I can't trust you, then I can't really open up to you). I am really understanding and if the guy has a problem I usually patient waiting for him. I might be cold, but I am not unsympathetic. It's a paradox really, I am open to others, but reflexively closed in my own heart and thoughts.

 

I want to be with them, but know that they have their limits and that it's likely that things will end eventually. I guess at the start of all my relationships despite what I hope for, I also prepare for the pessimistic outcome.

 

By the way, YB is that an invitation

Edited December 31, 2012 by W_L

[Graeme]

I'm by no means experienced in relationships, but I've got some questions for you:

 

1. How much do you let the other person in your life please you? I'm not talking sex - I'm talking about doing things that will make YOU happy? That can be as simple as a surprise gift of a box of chocolates....

 

That leads to subsequent question:

 

2. How easy is it for the other person to get to know YOU? Do they know what YOU want from the relationship?

 

I'm asking those questions because it sounds like you're doing the reciprocal part - but are you allowing them to do their share of maintaining a relationship, or do you make them feel like they're walking all over you because you bend over backwards to do what they want?

 

There are a number of types of relationships. There are those that are complementary, where each partner brings things to the relationship that the other person lacks. There are those where each is similar and they build off each other. There are clingy relationships, where they seem to have to do things together, and there are balanced relationships where there's a mixture of togetherness and individuality. There are also relationships where one person dominates (or appears to dominate) the other.

 

From what I read, you seem focused on doing what the other person wants - and some people may find that off-putting. It puts pressure on them to make the important decisions, because it's not a shared responsibility.

 

I could have it wrong, but from what you wrote, I get the impression that you're trying too hard, and your partner's may think that you're either "false", or that there's not enough of a two-way street in the relationship.

 

Hopefully this may trigger some thoughts, because only you know all the details of your relationships

[Maximoff]

[W_L]

I don't really let them please me beyond a certain point, I guess well, I don't know how to really let them do it. I want to open up my heart, but I don't know how to. A box of chocolates or a stuffed animal is awesome, but I don't know how to respond to that except reciprocation with chocolates and gifts.

 

Come to think of it, almost everything my past lovers give me, I basically give respond with reciprocal gifts of a similar manner if not even more.

 

Two things about me, I hate owing people things and I don't want to feel dependent on other people. I don't know maybe it's a lot of complex stuff with me or something as simple as just not accepting gifts without giving back.

[TetRefine]

You definitely over-think this whole love thing. Seriously, just go with the flow and don't overanalyze everything. 

[Graeme]

Two things about me, I hate owing people things and I don't want to feel dependent on other people. I don't know maybe it's a lot of complex stuff with me or something as simple as just not accepting gifts without giving back.

 

Maybe this is the problem. A relationship involves give-and-take, but if you're viewing it as owing and dependency, that's where things break down. You don't have to be dependent in a relationship, but you do have to depend on the other person doing things as part of the relationship. If they don't, the relationship will break down. Similarly, being in a relationship means owing something to the other person - even if it's only affection. If you can't accept that your partner has done something for you (ie. you see that you now owe them something), then the relationship will be difficult to maintain.

[Y_B]

When I was with my ex, towards the end of the relationship, I strongly felt like he was taking advantage of me. Whether it was unintentional cuz he's clueless or intentional cuz he's a SOB, it crossed the line and got ridiculous. I did everything, he did nothing, I took him out, he got taken out, I cooked, he ate, I bought him shit, he took shit, etc. At the beginning I didn't mind at all but eventually I looked at the situation and wondered why this was happening and if it meant anything. I thought about it for a long time. It's not that with everything I did, I felt he owed me back. Giving is part of every relationship and giving made me happy. Everything I did, I did cuz I wanted to but it would have been nice if he returned the favor, and he did, but it was extremely unbalanced. I casually brought this to his attention once, he got pissed off. It got to the point where eventually every time I did give, it did start to feel like he owed me. Like I'd keep a mental tab and that's when things really started to fall apart.

 

So like Graeme said, relationships are give-and-take but it's not owing-and-crediting and if you feel that way, you're not gonna get far.

[methodwriter85]

I've never been in a relationship, and one reason is because I know that I'm too self-centered to be in one. I've had a long and hard life that shattered my ability to trust in and believe in people, and I simply don't feel like taking on a relationship while I'm still trying to figure myself out. I spent so long worrying about the state of my dysfunctional family that I neglected to really focus on myself and what makes me tick, and I've only started doing that in recent years. I'd love to have a boyfriend someday, but right now I know that I'm not in any kind of emotional place for one.

[Former Member]

Relationships are a lot of work and right now I don't have the time for one. Thats why anyone i'm with is just casual and nothing too serious.

[Yettie One]

They say that to be loved you have first got to be able to love yourself.

 

I often wonder about that statement, as to me it sounds awfully vain and self centred, but then again I know that it is partially true in that in order for someone to be able to get close to the real you, you have to like yourself enough to let them into that safe/private zone. Sometimes we go into a relationship trying to hide the stuff we don't like about ourselves, creating dead zones within our personality, places where our personality is closed down and prevents anyone getting close to the things we are hiding. Now if we find that in others, it only frustrates us right? So it has got to be the same for someone that find these things in us?

 

Relationships are very defiantly about give and take, and sometimes it is enough just accepting that you are loved by someone without expectation or want of anything other than your love in return. Another thing I've kind of picked up on is your sense of independence in that you never want to feel indebted to anyone.

 

Well personally for me, I think a real relationship is kind of about being able to incorporate your sense of independence into the relationship, and in some ways letting that sense of independence go. It's ok to be needy or want attention. As long as it is not OTT I think it is good to lose some of that "I am completely self reliant an can stand alone in any circumstance" way of thinking.

 

That is the trick though. Letting someone into that safe zone we carefully craft through experiences as we grow up is something that in my own experience only gets harder with time. All kinds of people will hurt you, use and disappoint you over and over again through life, and each time it happens it is like another notch on the bedpost to make you more and more cautious of the next person.

 

Look, relationships take huge amounts of work, and I think that often this is something that we never really give enough consideration to when things are in that "Honeymoon/Happy" stage at the beginning  It is easy to meet someone, fall in lust with them and fail to realise that while yes, they may be great in bed, look the part, and be such a great guy, there are going to be things about them that make them difficult, things we dislike or don't agree with, and stuff in the long term we are going to want to change about them. But think about it, if that is how you feel about them, what stuff about us (me) do they see and feel the same way about. It is when you realise that the very same things/thoughts/issues that we go through, are much the same that the other person will at some point go through, that we are able to open channels for communication, and therein lies the key. It is my humblest opinion that communication is the corner stone of any relationship, and being able to sit down and really talk, and be open and honest with each other is where and how problems/issues/difficulties are identified, put out on the table for everyone in the relationship to see and understand and then together find a solution to make it right.

 

You are young, full of life, full of excitement and enthusiasm and curiosity. It is good to wonder about these things, but as Matt has said above, don't spend too much time over analysing things. I am a victim of this habit myself, and far too often, I talk myself out of situations that could have been wonderful and meaningful if only I had given it a chance, instead of thinking the hell out of it, and scaring myself off in the first place.

 

Good luck with it buddy, and I hope that you work it out and find someone one day where it all just clicks and you realise, all these questions, when it is right, don't matter at all. 

xx

Edited January 11, 2013 by Yettie One