horribly abusive humor thread

[JamesSavik]

She had a face that launched a thousand suicides.

 

He had the kind of voice that that made you want to kick his ass and then kick his daddy's ass.

 

She was so ugly as a child that her mother kept her on a leash because vultures kept mistaking her for carrion and trying to carry her off.

 

After reviewing the casefile on the Hanson murder, the only mystery left for Detective Carson was why it took so long for for someone to wack the miserable SOB.

 

The only use I could think of for Carol was to put her at reception to scare off anyone who wasn't serious.

[Kurt]

I am just a little confused. What?

 

Kurt

[JSmith]

Are we allowed to use 'Yo mamma' jokes?

[xander]

Are we allowed to use 'Yo mamma' jokes?

Oh c'mon, yo momma jokes have to be allowed, right?

 

Yo mamma is so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon!

 

Yo mamma is so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

 

Yo mamma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Edited July 31, 2006 by xander

[JamesSavik]

Her behind was sooo fat that during aftermath of Hurricane Katrina helicopters started landing on it.

 

She had to quit going to the beach. People kept pouring water on her and trying to roll her back out to sea.

 

She tried to fly once but the only planes she could get on were flown by UPS.

 

She is required by law to always use the freight elevator.

 

She has so many rolls of fat that every time she moves, another roll is exposed creating a new oder.

[JSmith]

Uh oh... I don't like Kitty's response She's going to start pulling all these guys don't ask for directions and crap like that

• I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
  
• Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?
  
• Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
  
• Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
  
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  
• Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either!
  
• Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
  
• Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
  
• He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  

Joe

[Drewbie]

Uh oh... I don't like Kitty's response She's going to start pulling all these guys don't ask for directions and crap like that

• I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
  
• Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?
  
• Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
  
• Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
  
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  
• Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either!
  
• Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
  
• Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
  
• He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  

Joe

 

Lol.

 

It's not about you Kitty

[Caipirinha]

Yo mama so ugly she uses a line of cosmetics called "Why Bother."

 

Yo mama so fat she doesn't have belly button lint, she has sweaters.

 

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

 

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

 

Yo mama so fat and stupid, she brought her best spoon to the Superbowl.

 

Yo mama so old, her social security number is 1.

 

Yo mama so fat her blod type is Ragu.

 

Yo mama so ugly, if ugly were bricks she's have her own projects.

 

Yo mama so dumb if she gave you a penny for her thoughts, you'd have to give her back change.

 

Yo mama is so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

 

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.

 

Yo mama so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

 

Yo mama so fat and nasty, I had to take 2 planes, 3 trains, and a cab to get on her good side.

 

Yo mama so poor, she had to go to KFC to lick the other people's fingers.

 

Yo mama so old, Moses signed her year book.

 

Yo mama so ugly, yo daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

 

Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down and right gaurd turn left.

 

Yo mama so fat her year book photo was an aerial view.

 

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed at a shoot out.

 

Yo mama so fat that yo daddy has to roll over twice to get off of her.

 

Yo mama so nasty she has to sneak up on the shower.

 

 

 

I'm going to stop now. (I've played the dozens once or twice before, can you tell?)

[Wind Dancer]

COMEBACKS FOR COMEONS

 

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

 

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

 

*all genders are interchangable

[JamesSavik]

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

A variation on this one:

 

Drunk Guy (slurring): Hey baby, guess my sign and I'll buy you a drink.

 

gender-neutral disinterested party*: You are definitly a feces.

 

 

 

 

 

*- trying to be politically correct for Kitty.

[Umbathri]

Your family tree is nothing but a resting stop for dogs.

 

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

 

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

 

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

 

We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

 

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

 

Yo momma's so fat her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.

[rknapp]

An elderly couple sat across from each other at the breakfast table on their fiftieth anniversary. The woman says to the man:

"Do you remember what we did fifty years ago, right this minute?"

 

"No."

 

"We were making passionate love, right here on this table... do you think we could do it again? For old time's sake?"

 

The man agreed, and some time later, the couple once again found themselves across from eachother at the breakfast table, minus anything resembling clothing. The woman says to the man:

"Oh my, I'm getting the same warm feeling in my nipples that I did fifty years ago!"

 

The man looks at his darling wife of fifty years and says:

"That's because your right nipple is in your oatmeal, and your left nipple is in your coffee."

[xander]

Shut the hell up! If I wanted your opinion I'd tell you what it was.

I've heard a variation on this one that I like better...

 

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you." lol

[Caipirinha]

Also:

 

Yo so ugly, your momma got morning sickness after you were born.

[Matthew]

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

...

*all genders are interchangable

 

Those are interchangeable?

[shadows]

Q: Are you free tonight?... Or do I have to pay?

 

I love that line.

[Gregoire]

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out.

 

Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for murder.

 

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

 

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.

 

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

 

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

 

Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up.

 

Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.

 

Yo mama's so fat, the bitch jumped in the air and got stuck.

 

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear daisy dukes, she's gotta wear boss hoggs

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

 

Yo mama's so stupid she starved to death in a grocery store.

[Bill W]

Does it bother you that your age his higher than your IQ?

[JamesSavik]

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!

 

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

 

They just invented a new coffin just for you. It goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.

 

Your short-comings don't bother me nearly as much as your long-stayings.

[xander]

How many times must I flush before you go away?

...

Shut that flapping trap of yours before I staple your top lip to the ceiling and watch you spin around like a fart-powered ceiling fan.

...

I swear I'm going to put on my sombrero and dance the La Cucaracha on your testicles if you don't shut up.

lmao, I love those!