Bleu

Ummm, interesting. Definitely skewed towards the US in terms of "celebrities" ; there were lots I'd never heard of. I was surprised to see that they had an entry for Jan Palach. Paya should be pleased.

@Yang: Thanks. I've really been outside the gay world and culture so far, so I'd be surprised if I turned into a super fag, especially as I don't think I would be comfortable with it. But I'll keep your warning in mind . And maybe I'll be better at reducing the number of false positives. @H: I don't know whether I'm having a harder time than a gay guy, but I'm definitely out of practice. I'm bolder about looking and staring than I was before though .

I must admit I read "chewing on penis" too. If I'm stressed I'll go for a long run with some Jack Johnson or something similarly soothing in my MP3, or something more brutal and full of energy like the RHCP. Depends on the type of stress. There's this quite big hill next to where I live: after running like hell to climb it, there's nothing like fresh air on my face on the way down to calm me down.

So, as planned in my last post, I did come out to my siblings over the Easter week-end, while we were all together with their respective spouse and children. Everyone proved really supportive and understanding. It was apparently a big surprise for my brothers, until they realised that some of my past started to make much more sense seen in this light. Not so much of a surprise for my sister, because of things I had hinted at in the now distant past. And also because she's now very close to my best friend from junior high whom I kind of lost touch with after I went to boarding school and then moved to Paris to go to college. I wasn't around when he came out at 23. He now is in a civil partnership with another guy. Anyway... he spotted me on his gaydar some time ago and voiced his suspicions to my sister. It's a relief to know that my siblings will be there to support me when I decide to tell my parents. I believe that my parents would be more ready to understand now that they would have been 15 years ago when I almost told them. They've somewhat evolved along with society, even if society changes more slowly in rural France than it does in the cities. Anyway, I've been changing a lot too. All my gay sensors, that had been decommissioned in 1997 are back, more or less in working order. I suspect they're trying to make up for lost time, and getting on overdrive. The other night, I was with a group of American and Brits (men and women alike) in a bar, just trying to know each other better. I talked to 3 different guys and each time got convinced they were gay. It turned out that #1 had a daughter, #2 had "kids", #3 was setting up a surprise anniversary party for his wife. Either my gaydar is really screwed up, or I'm meeting a lot of bisexual guys like myself. Looked up "gaydar tuner" in the Yellow pages but didn't find anything. *sigh*

Well, let's just say that I now have a much more precise idea than when I first posted on this thread

Thanks Dargon, I've only ever had one relationship, and it proved to be a very meaningful one, so I don't know how a relationship can possibly not affect you, but theoretically I can imagine it. Fortunately, when the change is not for the better, you either realise it and get away, or the relationship breaks apart because love no longer finds something to fuel it.

Any decently-long relationship, say of more than 6 months or a year, will definitely change you. A relationship is a constant compromise between your and your partner's tastes, likes, dislikes, ideas, education, way of life, etc. Every day you have to leave the comfort of your own beliefs to try and find common ground. And you also take pleasure in this process, the pleasure of discovering the other one's universe. Maybe I've been lucky... In my case I've seen plenty of change for the better, like an opening onto a greater reality than what life on my own was. Of course, that change is only as good as what both partners gain from it, and in most situations it only works gradually without anyone realizing. If one is set on changing the other, then the relationship might be doomed (unless the change is radically for the better, like Lacey's second relationship). Once that relationship is over, you might readjust and rediscover your own tastes and mindset. I know I have. But then, you might miss dearly that common ground which was the embodiment of your love.

Yes, hh5, it is a second chapter. Might not look or feel like the first one, only time will tell. I wish for you to find a bf, and to have your own happy coming out one day.

@Paya: I think coming out to girls/women is probably easier. That's how I feel anyway... I'll have to think about something for my closest male friends. No rush, though. @Cia: Yes, I think I can tell my siblings and not my parents. We're all in our 30s now, and setteld down. They're not going to run and tell my parents. But it's only a matter of time until I tell my parents anyway. It's just that when I do I would like to know I can count on my siblings' support. Thanks for the good thoughts. @Sam: Hey! Thanks for stopping by! Cheers, Bloopy

I have decided to open this blog because I am no longer the person I was a month ago, and I need a place where I can chart my journey into self-(re)discovery. I have been keeping another friends-only blog elsewhere for 4 years but don't feel like going into too much detail in it. Some stuff might just be TMI there, while it would find its natural place here. So here goes the background info about myself, pretty much copied and modified from my About me page: I started accepting myself as gay when I was 18. I almost worked up the courage to tell my family but since I wasn't in a relationship I never felt compelled to do it. Shortly after, I met a gorgeous and absolutely amazing girl (I'll call her "B" here). We became friends very quickly and I came out to her. But by that time she had already fallen in love with me, and over the course of the next few months she successfully pulled me to the dark straight side. We spent 12 fantastic years together. I had put my gay inclinations back into their closet but was absolutely fine with that. It was simply a non-issue, as love filled every need I might have had. As couples go, we were extremely close, always together, whether working or having fun. We were going to expand our little family when cancer decided otherwise and, after two years, took her away from me. This was now more than two years ago, two years of grief and pain. But time works relentlessly and pain slowly made way for deep sadness. Before she died, she had made me promise to try and find love again, and I now need to hold this promise. Now I know how this might sound weird, opening a gay blog to pay tribute to my lovely wife. But there is simply no way I can do otherwise. She was just truly amazing and had she lived, I honestly believe we would have gone on as a couple until old age. ***** I came upon GA at the end of January. I read a couple of stories, then cleaned my history and cache, and closed my browser, not expecting to return. Yes, I still felt guilty about going on a gay site, as if I were cheating on my wife (even though she had always been fine with me being Bi). But I must admit that the stories were so enthralling that I came back. And then I realised that I kept going back to the coming out stories. I dug up my diary from when I was 18/19 and tried to figure out why I hadn't come out to my parents then, although I had made plans to do so on my 19th birthday. I looked at how things are different now from what they were then and I realised that, contrary to what I thought, my gay feelings are indeed different today. I had left things where they were when I was 21 and I thought that all those years the object of my lust had not altered, in the sense that it meant nothing more than my teenage fantasies for another teenager. Lust, not love. My recent awakening is that it CAN be love and not just lust. And so the idea of a long-term relationship with a man suddenly has stopped looking utterly preposterous but instead become a distinct possibility. My gay experience is so pitiful it doesn't even qualify as experience if I am to believe what I read on some forums. But I won't deny the attraction anymore. As far as sexuality is concerned, I am aware that only B's love kept these gay leanings in the closet. In my current situation, they have been resurfacing and I have decided that it's time they leave that closet. I cannot ignore who I am, and I won't maintain a facade. I don't think I could start another relationship with a woman by pretending to be straight. If I tell her how I feel and she's fine with it, then we may have a shot at it. Same goes with a man. That's why a few weeks ago I decided to come out to people around me. From there, things seem to have gone very quickly, even though at times I wanted to speed them up even more. I came out to my best friend on March 10th. It went fine, just as I knew it would. She's a happily-married mother-of-two but we have a few colleagues who are openly gay and she was always fine with them. Then a week later I came out to another friend/colleague. She's a lesbian so I knew she would be sympathetic to my situation. We had never discussed intimate stuff before, but of course this discussion brought us much closer. Last week, I came out onto my other blog. My friends there have been amazingly understanding as well. They are online friends that I met through a forum, totally unrelated to the gay universe I should add. I have met some of them in real life, though, when I travelled to the UK and the US. All of them are female and they were as much my wife's friends as mine. So after all this I'm feeling quite relieved with the way things have been going forward. I'm planning on coming out to my siblings this Easter week-end. I already breached the subject with my sister back in 1996 when I had been with B for a short time. But we never discussed it further. I'm not expecting any difficulties from my brothers either. I can't say the same from my parents and extended family, though

Yes, I figured it was "court" but it was still a good pun. Overall, you're right. You can't expect people to go and travel thousands of miles for that. Most of the time the patient cannot be moved at all, so it's not even a question of how far. Law has to change but I'm afraid it will take quite a bit of time... especially in Tx.

I agree with both of you. I watched my love die of cancer and I'm just glad no decision had to be made about ending her life. Her parents and I didn't view the situation in the same light. Basically they were in such denial they saw a miracle as the only possible outcome even though the doctors were finally (!) being honest about her chances. If she had been on life support I don't know how long they would have wanted to keep her that way. They were not ready to let go. There is no legal right to die over here (France) either but the issue keeps being pushed in the media and I think the law will eventually change. At the moment, those who can and dare go to Switzerland. By the way, "pull the plug with a cord": was that an intended pun?

I'm adding another cheer for January!

Also : by Annie Lennox and by Dido

Music has been my drug for the past 2 years. My MP3 player is full of sad songs. To a few that have been mentioned already, I would add: - Ben Folds Five - David Gray - James Blunt "And I still hold your hand in mine when I'm asleep... I'm so holllow" The Rose - Bette Middler. - C

Hi everyone! Another newbie here. I just updated my About me page to give you some background info on myself. I've been enjoying the GA stories for a few weeks, and the general tone of the forums combined with the extraordinary quality of the stories I've read so far just made me want to join.

I would add Eva Cassidy who died of cancer, aged 33. She had such a mesmerising voice.