Andrew Q Gordon

Kavrik Love the story, very imaginative and well written. I am glad I waited to post my comments - well got busy is more like it so it wasn't a conscious decision - because the beginning of Chap. 4 answer my burning question - if Kian is immune to magic, how did the priest hurt him like that - and well that was the first scene in Chap 4. Okay, couple comments - and I prefaced these by saying I am sure others on here - her resident vampireness specifically - will disagree with me on at least one. I think you hurt your story using Dolmani's perspective. As most who read my comments know - and Nephylim and I did agree here - I don't like multiple perspectives in a story. Most published works are restricted to one characters perspective unless it is 3rd person omniscient. BUT in those cases were there are more than one perspective, it is usually limited to one group - good guys or bad guys - here you are - IMHO - ruining the suspense by letting us know Dolmani has it in for Kian and Kragar for that matter. It would be better if Dolmani's thoughts were not included and we got the story from Kian's perspective only. This is not to say you can't narrate scenes where he is not, only refrain from giving us his thoughts. For an example in current popular fiction - Harry Potter - there were scenes through out the novel that focused on Snape where Harry was not present. We saw/heard what was said as if we were flies on the wall but we never heard Snape's thoughts. If we had we would have known he was a double agent for Dumbledor and not Voldemort. Had we heard his thoughts that would have ruined the suspense. Here we know Dolmani is out for Kian and he is out for Kragar because we heard his thoughts. hence, leaving the parchment with Kragar's seal - we know why that was done, where had we not gotten Dolmani's perspective, we wouldn't know it was to frame Kragar, we might think it was a message or part of the plan or whatever, until the trap was sprung. Second, Kian's character changes dramatically from the first chapter to the second third and forth. His deference, nay subservience to Dolmani is an almost 180 from how he treated him at the first meeting. I got the part where he tells Tenander that he sees Dolmani as the voice of Tethyr but it seems a bit dramatic, maybe it was just me, but I didn't expect him to ask 'how high' when Dolmani said jump when they were eating in the common room. Just seemed out of Character. BUT that said, I could be jumping the gun again. Third, I really like how you fill us in bit by bit. Slowly we find out more and more about your characters, the world and the important events. I like that you don't just cram it on us all at once. Even with this slow addition of information I had to re read things a couple times to keep things straight, because there is a lot to digest. Great job with that, highly imaginative. I also think you do a great job of creating your characters and keeping them in character - the Kian deference thing aside - we can almost predict how most of the character will react - even Kian, because know we know he is deferential to the priesthood. I am very interested to see where you take this next. Darker? Really? Wow, I might need my hellion repellent to read on. Andy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!!! Make sure you do something fun.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARI ENJOY IT AND HAVE SOME FUN!

NO I m rather behind in my reading but I found time for this, one of my favorites and while it was worth the wait, it was too bloody long between chapters Nice chapter, I like the development of the two. Billy's 'progress' had the potential to be 'rushed' but you handled it well. He isn't perfectly fine with who he is - a danger some authors might make - but he is trying to get better. I like how his change affects David - in a good way. I really like how David is handling this - clearly he is conflicted - he totally wants to jump Billy yet knows how bad it will end if he does. At first I thought it was all because he really cared about Billy - which he does, but this chapter you really flesh out that he is worried about himself too. Go too far and they will both get hurt. Nice Candice is a piece of work, just how you meant it. Billy's discomfort at her boobs touch him made me laugh. Written by a gay man for sure is all I will say. Last - I was going to comment on something via a spoiler but then I realize I read them even when I don't want to know what people thing or I don't want the plot given away so I will comment via PM - just give me credit later if someone else claims to have spotted it first Andy

Well I can't help you like Benji can, given how far away I am, but I hope you are back soon. Andy

No sorry, I wasn't clear, I removed everything from the site, this story and all my others. Waiting for the new site to re-post. Anyone who missed 19, let me know and I will email it.

Actually I pulled the entire story from the site. So not a problem anymore. [No I am not getting published, much as I wish] Andy

Anyta, I almost decided to title it 19 and 19.5 but that didn't do much to get around the whole issue either. Not sure you would recognize the revision because I didn't send it to you for beta yet. But there will be a part that addresses Benji's persistent comments on how the Grandparents will be the white Knight ridding to his rescue in their white 1948 Bentley Classic car Hope Date night was fun. Andy

CIa, You once said I could say the good and the bad in here, so today I want to offer an observation that is not going to fall into the good category. But first the good. Charlie has a girlfriend? Thank GOD!! Everyone can't be gay - but it does seem that in many of the stories - not all but more than a few - EVERYONE who is cute, or important, or new or whatever, is secretly, openly or whateverly gay. So thank you for that little twist because it sure seemed like you were hinting he was gay at first. Oh Tap - if I were - er er , younger - yeah let's go with younger [hey no snickering and adding 'much' before that ] I would be so heart broken. Given Tap's [sneeze, Josh sneeze] taste for smaller guys like Dane [cough Cia cough] I would have no chance, given I was/am somewhere in between the two [tall and lanky was how i was described as a kid]. But this chapter just reasserts what a sweet - if somewhat naive - kid he is. Mature - whatever, he is just a nice guy. Okay having sweet talked you a bit, time to get to the meh comment. I am not sure I like the Alan Kendrick point of view in the story and here is why. On the one hand there is a sense of suspense - we know Alan is up to something but not sure what. I think that when writing, the author usually limits us to a single perspective or at most two. By giving us Alan's you are building the suspense on the one hand but ruining it on the other. Moreover, if we are getting his perspective, we should be able to get his entire perspective, not just snippets to build the suspense. I guess in a way it is the easy way out. It would be a lot harder to have either Tap or Dane see what they think is his father, or to have the attorney or someone tell Dane his dad is doing this or that. By giving us snippets of the Dad's life, you are - well not cheating - but cutting corners or avoiding the work of doing it through the main characters. I think this is wrong for two reasons, the first is either we should get all his life or none of it. Sort of like Dane and Tap, we sort of get their whole life not just little, important snippets. But the other reason is we are supposed to be reading about this from one or possible two perspectives. If Dane isn't feeling this angst, neither should we. If Tap isn't aware of this, neither should we. In a way this is more like a TV or Movie script than a novel. This is how they do it on TV because it is easy and they have a limited amount of time. It would be better for us to suddenly be shocked by Alan's actions and then get filled in after the fact. Then the clues you dropped along the way would make sense. Like the whole Shrub scene - perhaps Tap thought he heard or saw something when leaving. Or maybe Charlie asked Tap if he recognized Alan's car because it seemed to act odd, something like that. Instead you spoon feed us the suspense. Obviously it is too late for this story, but it is something to consider when you write something else. Then again, maybe I am just a whack job and you should ignore me. :wacko: I still love this and I still wait for the chapter releases so please don't cut me off Andy

I will have you know Benjamin J. Moderator, that because of all your grandparent comments, I had to revise a part of what is to come - because all that you said made sense and what I wrote did not. LOL I won't tell you when and where but if you spot it, raise your hand and shout out I wanted to make the next chapter, 19a but I gave Anyta crap about how there are 'a' chapters so I can't do that, so I thought, maybe 19b, 'b' as in bonus, but same problem. Then I figured I could name it dinner for schmucks but that was taken. I think what I am going to do is break up the mammoth chapters I write, most tend to be over 7-8k words, and post twice a week instead of once. This chapter was actually 8400 but I broke it up so expect the Dinner with the in-laws later this week - Thanks for reading and reviewing, you are my most faithful commenter [maybe reader but I can't track that.] Andy

Chapter 19 is up. This one and the last chapter were two of my favorites to write, there were and will be a few others I like as well, but this was rather easy to write. I have always liked old cars, not that I ever had the money to collect them. But I remember once going to an antique car auction with my uncle - he on the other hand has the money to indulge. My cousin and I were about 13 when we went. However, I have zero idea how realistic the auction scene is, or the 'pretender' Ernie Smith. No idea if what I wrote happens or not, so no flames on how it is not realistic if I am wrong. Andy

fooplaya Generally I am NOT a fan of so called Fan Fiction, but honestly, yours was really good. For the most part you keep the characters in character which is hard to do when you are dealing with the characters of someone else. You do a good job with detail, not too much but not too little, it was easy to see what you were telling us. As you allude to in your end note to chapter three, there were a few grammatical/spelling issues, but really, they did not take away from your story - hell almost everyone has mistakes, its only when they become crazy excessive that they are an issue. I don't know that I have any bad comments for you. I hope you keep posting. Andy

Although I would not like to be 18 again, [well maybe I wouldn't mind being 18 now but in 1982 things were even harder for gay teens than they are now.] I like their energy and fresh approach to life. Sometimes we older gents and ladies forget that life is not all about work, the job and taking care of the house and stuff. We forget what it was like to go out and enjoy ourselves just because we can. So I for one can take a bit of know it all, cocky swagger, look at me I am da bomb attitude, - Matt's farcical post not withstand [oh and by the way Matt, since that is how you see everyone over 55, I hope all those ailments plague you when you are that age, just for spite ]. Then again, what do I know anyway, I am not 18 anymore.

Happy Birthday Nighthowl!!!!! Make it a great one!! Andy

Wow! Do I feel stupid. Despite everything Benji has said, until he spelled it out, I had no idea mom was involved like that. Talk about just not seeing the trees for the forest. Geez now he spoiled the surprise. Thanks Benji - JK.

Arana, Read Chapters 1 and 2. First the picky stupid comment - the NJ/PA is no where near the Hudson river. The Hudson runs through NJ/NY. The Delaware runs between NJ/PA. Is Chapter 2 a flash back? I assume John is well let me hide my thoughts in case someone else doesn't want to know what I think: So far there is nothing to be brutal about - this is good stuff - short chapters but still good stuff. One thought that went through my head reading chapter 1 is, Remi is a tad too calm for the serial killer having his mom. Did he call anyone? Like his superiors? Or is he freelancing on this so as to keep them out of it? Just seems to me, he would want to call it in, then go to the crime scene to find out what if anything they could glean from the mom's place. Can't image he could or would go to sleep once he got that call. But that is just me and I certainly don't have full knowledge to work with. Perhaps he just knows how pointless it is at this point but still - to go to sleep seems a bit off. Just me. Your writing is easy to read, it flows well and I didn't find myself have to re-read things several times to understand what you were saying. Interested to see where you go. I take this is gonna be a bit of 'dark' story. Not too many of them on here that I have read so far. Andy

UFFF!!!! WOW! That was longer than the chapter - JK. Most everyone to date who has been introduce as a character with more than a paragraph or three will be returning in the future chapters. Darryl & Co will have a major part in what comes next. Ethan has a smaller role but he and Jason will remain good friends, though . . . er nuff said on that. There is a bit more on the Henry's but they would be a tale all in themselves and I am not sure I have the imagination or the knowledge to fill in the gaps with their lives. Dad is in a bind and that will be come more evident in a few chapters. Wife or Kid, whose side do you take? Mom, well sometimes with someone like that it takes a life altering event to bring you around - hmm, could there be such an event on the horizon for her and her son? Would it change her perspective on things?? IDK, stay tuned Bat fans, this ride ain't over by a long shot Oh and a big thank you and back snap for writing all you did, I love this kind of stuff. Andy

Do Vampire Queens have Birthdays????? Happy Birthday Nephy!!!!! Make it a good one

Perfect sense, I probably didn't read it well enough - thanks.

Woo Hoo I get to the first person to comment on chapter three - um, well . . . yeah, it's . . . like okay man. Honestly I like it a lot, though you are a great big tease with how you give us just enough to hint at something but there is SO much more we don't know that you won't tell us yet - very nicely done. The Karate scene was good, but I have to confess I wasn't quite sure what was going on at points. Probably because I was reading too much into it. I didn't know what this meant: He completed two blocks in the space of time it would have taken for me to throw one at best, At first I thought he was chopping 'blocks' of something he was causing to fly at him, sort of like a live action drill, then I thought it was a move - based on reading further. Then I just wasn't sure. Sorry. I do have a question: and if you can't answer it without giving something away, don't give anything away - the part where he takes the drink and has to go through a ritual, was that a dream or did he really undergo that in his room? Beyond that, I like how you are developing the two lead characters but spicing it up with Sam and Gary and others along the way. Keep it up. Looking forward to chapter 4 and beyond. Andy

Benji, Benji, Benji, I can't say it enough but they are not going to be Jason's white knights. Even if they knew - and I will not concede that - Jason doesn't know they know. They are far too proper to bring it up if he doesn't. But as for their taking care of Ethan, given their knowledge of the death of his father and how that messed up Aaron for a bit, it not a stretch for them to find out what was going on to make sure he was okay. That knowledge is what would prompt an inquiry. Why reason would they have to at this point to poke around their grandson's personal life? So, while it might be common knowledge or at least mentioned in Barbara's social circles, in my world, Ray and Flora are not privy - yet to this information.

Just when I am sure I know what Alan is going to do, I don't. Seems he is waiting now for the trial? What is he going to do, spit venom in Dane's face? Also it does seem his attorney is not exactly eager to go after Dane, sounds like he believes Dane was beaten - then again, a mountain of medical evidence does have that affect on one's thinking. Two last comments, one story related one semi funny. Dane's fear of being outed seems IDK off? I mean Tap is totally out, Tap is all over him, 1 +1 doesn't equal 5 so folks ought to figure it out. Of course, being in the closet is a one way ticket to Da Nile, as we never think we are as obvious as we are. While Dane might want to live in Da Nile, those who are close to Tap totally see it - sort of like Dave. So, the humorous - or at least semi lame attempt at humor - Tap likes smaller built guys [Cia] Dane like's em big and burly [Mr. Cia - Josh right?] A big of self projection here??? Okay so I lied one last point - did you notice who my GA character crush would be??? If not go find the thread. Andy

Chapter 18 is up. A bit different from the other chapters, more about Jason and his family and his brother - which of course is part of his family right??? Not really sure how to take what is happening. Clearly folks are reading, as I am not padding the read count - now maybe someone else is, but since I am not paying anyone, that is a very unlikely scenario. But for as many people as have read it, there are very few comments - which is also normal I know. So no more begging, cajoling, prodding. Nope I am shifting gears - I m gonna threaten everyone with violence: Comment or else - :2hands::ranger::sword::axeman::battleaxe::fire::mace: And if that fails, there is always the 'nuclear option!" :nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke::nuke:

First let me say, Glad you caved in and posted now rather than later You do a lot of really good things in just a couple chapters. We know Matt has powers, but not sure what exactly they are - what is this business of releasing his power? under water? in a park? Good, don't give it away too soon. Dan is evidently someone people trust, why? He seems drawn to Matt, more so than others, again, why? More good, don't let us know everything, keep us interested and wanting more. There is so much I want to know, so while I commend you on your good work, I hate you for leaving us in the dark One minor technical issue, the transfer from your copy to the e-fiction was not the smoothest [and I am not blaming you for that - just pointing it out]. There should be spaces between paragraphs in many places, esp in chapter two that seems to have gotten lost in the transfer. You might want to use the preview feature before you finally post it. It just made it a bit hard in spots to keep track of how was speaking. I know that is not how you wrote it, just letting you know that it would be easier to read if you clean that up. On whole I really like it so far. Andy

Since most of the characters tend to be in their twenties or younger, I want to qualify this by saying, IF i were about that age I would have a crush on: Astrian from Hostage - who wouldn't? Rune from (In)visible - just because Tap From Escaping the Pain [big thing for hot baseball players ]