Andrew Q Gordon

Louis, You need to be careful and very afraid now that Anyta has taken a shine to your tale. She is about as insightful a reader as you are likely to find - which is almost always a good thing. She will be sure to keep you on your toes. I haven't had a chance to read the latest chapter but you can be sure I will make a comment or two - [maybe not appropriate comments but there will be something ] Andy

I idea of killing a character is massively hard, in some ways it is like cutting off a part of yourself, especially if you have spent a long time working with him or her. It is incredibly hard to let go - and incredibly moving as well. I am not sure if you read "Front Runner' by Patricia Neal but if you haven't I suggest you do so. I don't want to spoil it, but it is a tear jerker. Louis thinks it is the best gay sport's novel ever written, and I am not sure I can disagree - while sports is a theme, the sports part will not put you off if you don't like sports. Anyway, I know what you mean - how it is a huge struggle. In the end only you can decide what to do - yeah I know that is a lot of help.

Wow, do you want the answer in a spoiler? I will do it that way just in case.

Great Chapter, Nice to see Scott didn't forgive and forget - though I suspect he will when he has time to process things. Right now his pain is more because he was more upset over Rune leaving than his dad's passing and before he had a right to be mad at himself for those feelings. Now he realizes Rune's leaving was not meant to be hurtful and painful as it still is, he knows it was out of concern - and he knows Rune still cares for him still. Thus there is no anger toward Rune to stop the pain of his feelings of Guilt over not mourning his dad properly. [Can you tell I have studied psychology a bit - or at the least had it practiced on me ] I say we send Scott to this guy: On a different note, Scott totally up ends Rune's world - in the real world he can just be invisible and watch people, follow them etc. With Scott he can't do that. So he can't hide behind his invisibility to avoid things. He has to confront them with Scott and that has him back on his heels. As for enough to keep going, depends really. If you are going to spend the rest of the chapters keeping them apart yeah probably this would be the time to end it. But as there are so many more things to deal with and I am sure this is not the end of their interaction, then well let me say this in a spoiler: Great Chapter. Andy

Happy Birthday Kev!!! Do something fun on your day, but make sure you remember it so you can fill us in on all the details

Holy Crap Batman, Emu is 20!!!!! Happy Birthday!!!!

Oh you tricky minx, you think you are SOOOOO clever with that last commnet BUT [This is the aha moment ] read the part I highlighted and remember who you were speaking about when you made the 'what straight guy does that.' comment and you will see what I was implying

Chapter 14 was interesting more for what it didn't say than for what it did. By that I mean, for most of the chapter it was a furtherance of the bond between the two - and more of Dane's fears. It is interesting, in a good way, how given time to reflect on things without the impending sense of fear - has changed Dane's thoughts about what he fears. That might not be as clear as I want it to be, so let me try it this way. When he was at home, the sense of dread was still there, but it was tempered in part by his fear that Dad was gonna walk in at any minute to beat the snot out of him. In the hospital, the same basic fear exists - his father - but it is a bit more remote given his Dad can't visit. And yet, he is still in fear of going home again, just like before. As I said above, what this chapter didn't address has me nervous. Dad is lurking, manically I might add. What is he doing - you are not telling us Cia - darn you. All this kissy huggy stuff is nice, yeah yeah yeah but c'mon, what is the nasty old antagonist doing - what are you doing? Trying to build suspense hehehe. Seriously, I like the absence of it, it adds to the build up to what we suspect is coming. I also liked the info on Tap. Showing us a bit about his day - or better said his other interests besides Dane. But it raises a question - I assume the team knows Tap is gay, and I assume they know there is more to Dane than 'just a friend' so to paraphrase a certain author's comment on my story - what straight guy asks to hang out with a gay teammate and his boyfriend? Then again maybe I am missing something or there is something more to this. Guess I will find out soon enough? Andy

5b!?!?! Is there such a thing as a chapter 5b??? C'mon Okay, seriously? 5b would have been fine as just six - sure they are connected, but there was a lot going on there for such a short chapter. Sometimes chapters can be short if they say all they have to say. So, there really was a lot going on there. the confrontation, the Teresa 'let's make whoopee twice' [do me twice is just so trashy - I love it.], the realization Rune was lying, Scott's decision to get closure, everything. Oh yeah I love Scott even more now that he has impeccable taste in vehicles

Yes, I know this and frankly there is not going too much MA action in this for several reasons - 1) Soccer is my real passion - hence the soccer sequence of which there will be more, 2) this is wrtten from Jason's perspective not Peter's so unless Jason is there, I am not sure I want to tackle the whole issue of writing from Peter's perspective, especially not for something as intense as Martial Art action, 3) I couldn't begin to really get too far into a martial arts action sequence with Peter given my own experience is somewhat limited AND I take what is a relatively new and hard to find discipline - Krav Maga. It would be highly unlikely that he would take Krav Maga given he is not centered around a big city or big university campus, but even so, there are not many Krav Maga tournamens/competitions so there wouldn't be a state championship kind of thing. There will be a few scenes involving this but again, I don't know enough yet to really write about it with any degree of comptence. God you are good with this stuff - you hit all the weaknesses - this is so love/hate you know Andy

HOLY CRAP Chase - 21! Oh well it's just a number. Have a great day - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

In reading these comments I started looking to see if I made any of the same, then realized I forgot to post my thoughts. I knew you were on holiday and not going to read them right away so I took my time to read it a second time before writing, then I forgot - **Hangs head in embarrassment** Okay - Since others have commented already, I will work my thoughts in around those. Scott is about what I expected, thought the obsession with Rune 4 years later was not exactly something I saw coming - it seems like it set up the later part of the Chap 5 quite well however - more in a second. It was clear as day to me they sold the farm - got that loud and clear. I was sad when I read how Scott's first was a trick in public bathroom, and I could feel his anger toward Rune for that - the whole Scott sleeps with woman - is it because he is afraid to have feelings for men? or because he is afraid to fall in love again and knows he won't fall for a woman? I guess I missed this in Chapter 4 but I thought Dad suggested pancakes and Scott agreed. I didn't think he asked/begged/demanded them. Of course that might be the point - he didn't do any of the above but is blaming himself nevertheless. Gotta read these two chapters again. One of the things I am most struck with when reading this is the depth of Scott's emotions you are giving us. Wow is an overused word for me with your work, but it fits. Your ability to put into words his angst is amazing. I feel it but more than that I understand it - hell I don't always understand my own angst that well. Last thing, there are things I see that I won't comment on because in the past when I post stuff I either give something away or don't get it yet because it is a set up to what is to come. Leave it that I am intrigued as to where this is going and am damn glad you are back from holiday to keep us enthralled Andy

The concept that 'rules' are meant to be bent when necessary is so you - I love it. Now that you say it, I can see where you employ the above advice in your work, but it worked so well I can't say I noticed at the time - add this piece of advice to my advice bank Sadly life is never easy all the time and these two are not going to escape their share of hardship. Thanks for chiming in - always my pleasure. Andy

Gonna cheat a bit more and respond to Louis' comments - partly because he is putting me to shame with responding to each chapter when I just gave him one big review Chapter 12: Grumble grumble...excellent scene tho. Jordan's a real meat ball. Had my ears and eyes rivetted to the screen. Couls actually hear the fight. Writing rocks bro Jordan is more of a meat head than a meat ball - I tend to like meatballs so he can't be that The thing I worried about most with this, was could i pull off Jordan the jerk without being too comical, trite or one dimensional. Hopefully that worked. Chapter 13:lump lump in the throat. tearjerker hell this is. can't even find the tissues right now. I am devouring this and loving it. man o man... Here again, the hardest part for me was getting the characters to stay in character and act the way they would react. I had some help keeping this on track, so it is better than it was when I first wrote it. Hopefully his reaction was in keeping with what we expected from him. Chapter 14: Barbara has to deal with her insecurities in her own social environment. Royce is a dad and a half. what a dad. He's logical and sympathetic. Almost as if he understands. Nice chapter Andy. very nice. You got the emotions right. My emotions. Way cool. Thanks Louis, the only issue I have with this chapter, is Dad's reaction might cause problems for the plot later on. The person who is beta reading is concerned his reaction here is not in character with Royce's character later on. That was not artfully stated but the idea is, how I portray his character here, might be in conflict with how he is portrayed coming soon. Hopefully it will all work out. Thanks for taking the time and effort to give me so much feed back. I am trying to assimilate all the comments into my coming chapters, I think all the help has improved the story. Andy

Going to cheat a bit and response to a review(s) here instead of on the eFiction site - I figure this is where we are going to do them going forward so get in the habit here. Cia wrote:I like this chapter. You have laid the groundwork for a lot of interesting plot interactions to come. Jason's family seem very 'money' and of course that makes this a rich kid story in some ways, obvious by the cars However, you've written Jason and Darryl in ways that they don't seem to be the rich, BMOC jerks that they could be. People think they have it all but sometimes the more you have the more you risk losing. I can understand Jason's hesitation to risk being outted. My only criticism is having the parents named by mom, dad, their first names and other times their last names. It made it more difficult to keep track of who was who in this initial chapter. Otherwise, great work! I know it is bad form to answer a question with a question but I need some clarification. when you say the names are confusing, are you talking about the speech tags or in the dialogue. If by the speech tags, I agree, it is something I am working on going forward. In working on this, I read and had explained to me by a friend who is helping me that I need to use one name with speech tags or one title for example, dad or father, I need to learn to keep things like that to a minimum. i,e. don't do Coach Slewman, his coach, the coach, jacob - I need to find one tag and keep to it the vast majority of the time. If by use in dialogue, I was trying to use names to introduce folks, so i am fairly sure you were referring to speech tags, if not, let me know. You wrote: Jason is in a bit over his head it seems. He kept his composure pretty well with Darryl though. I really like who you wrote that scene, it was really believable. Jason wants to be with Peter and he's trying to be subtle but how well he's managing is iffy. Maybe if its in real life it is but on paper it's like, wow... not really. He's willing to ride on the back of a motorcycle of a guy he doesn't really know very well when it's against team rules. Do straight guys do that? Hmm... Great chapter. Again, a question - 1) By 'iffy' and 'wow not really' I get you are referring to how subtle he is being, but what parts? The asking to dinner? the inviting him in? The motorcycle riding - which you reference, all the above or just the motorcycle? Well as for the motorcycle ride, I didn't know my law school room mate to well when he suggested we go for a ride on his bike to get food the first week we were there. He was definitely straight, and I was not out or anything and did NOT have the hots for my roommate. SO I guess it does happen. As for not knowing him too well, I tried to get across they talked - albeit briefly - exchanged numbers, send each other texts, had dinner in the student union, I didn't want to go into every detail while conveying they had contact over the intervening weeks. So in my mind, he was not that unknown, but your point was one I never thought about so I can't say it was a conscious decision. It sounded cool - at least to me, I have this fascination with motorcycles, I want one but was given a choice by Mike, I could have a kid or a Ducati. I thing I chose wisely opting for a kid. Also when I originally wrote this, the motorcycle ride home occurred the first night they had dinner at the student union. At that point, Jason was tired and was like what the heck, I don't want to walk, it is a short distance and this is my dream man. Keeping the ride in might have been too much as you hint but there it is. Nice pick up, I hadn't thought of that - obviously, esp the part about - do supposed straight guys do this, even though as I mentioned above, I think the answer is, yes some do. Thanks for the comments, I always seem to learn something new from your comments so thank you very much. Andy

I think you found Avy's voice quite well. His voice lacked the detached amusement of Kiba who had seen it all done it all, was afraid of nothing. Avy's voice captured his tense, serious nature, his lust, his fears. This is the Avy Kiba described when he first saw him. That he has reverted to his old thrill seeking ways is in keeping with what you left us with at the end of corrupted. Can I offer one - suggestion. At the end you sum up everything with Avy sitting in his bedroom. Is there a better way to deal with this other than just going back and 'thinking' about what happened? I say this because while he might sit there and have regrets, it is unlikely he will go back and review the details you went into. Maybe instead of telling us the employee wanted to bar code him for the ring, have Avy say that to the body before it drops, almost apologizing, saying something like, 'You were too strong in your element, this was the only way I had the upper hand' Maybe have Cass's cell phone or whatever Etian used to text him, fall before he dies and Avy picks it up and there is a message he reads about 'when are you bringing him to the pit' - or 'should I spread the word he is going to be fighting tonight.' That could prompt him to reflect on the fight club. The idea that he will sit there and reflect on all the details helps us, helps us a lot really, but it is not what someone would do. Avy would surely reflect on Kiba, but the other details? Well not without a prompt. Either way it works. I had zero clue what Cassius had in mind when reading this. I expected him to be similar to Kiba, wanting Avy as his pet [ Kiba wanted more than a pet, which is why I said similar]. When he kills Cass was I a bit taken back. After how much he enjoyed him, that was NOT what I expected. I mean I caught the hints, the guard's sign to Etian, his keen eye assessing the fighters in the fight pit, etc, I just thought Cass was excited because Avy would be a huge prize, not a huge draw to excite the crowds. So kudos on that. I can see why you would want to shrink this down to a much smaller flash back, but am glad you posted it as a short story. You should have saved it for the fall anthology, it was perfect for the haunted theme. Andy

Louis, Okay, Alex's power was a shocker, I didn't realize this was a sci-fi story - or at least had an element of paranormal. Not a complaint, but i can't decide if it detracts from the story or not. I need to wait for the rest to be able to say one way or the other. Here is why I say this - and I hope you understand this is more me musing that bitching, I really like this so I am just blabbing The notion that there are 'super' people like Alex opens a Pandora's box of questions that could threaten to overwhelm everything else if you need to delve into it too deep. OTOH, in you DON'T go into details, people start to say - 'well why didn't Alex do this or that?' I mean in theory Alex could 'gift' Keegan with enough power to win every race. Better than 'roids because it would be undetectable. I am guessing that the focus is going to be on their romance, with a strong presence of running. So whatever detracts from that is - well a distraction. Now here is a comment that might be a tad bit critical - take it for what it is worth considering the source, i.e. someone not as talented as you. Thing progressed REALLY fast. Three weeks in, they are telling each other they love each other more than life (my words not yours), Keegs comes out to everyone, and that conflict is basically over. One reason I am NOT saying this doesn't work is the Alex factor. Alex seems to know who Keegan is, what he is, and is deeply in love with him almost without ever meeting him. There is a story there. There is more to Alex than even what you revealed so far. Now that we know about his powers, many things make sense. The healing, the fact he 'knows' all about Keegan, the comments about how he knows what a good person Keegan is, etc. Clearly there is something more we haven't learned. SO, with that as a back drop, it is possible for him - Alex - to be absolutely certain of his feeling given his greater knowledge of Keegan. Keegan's reaction would be unbelievable were it not for the certainty of Alex's feelings. So again, this can and does work so far, but you are going to need to flesh out Alex a bit more before the end to get me to say, 'yeah this was good and right.' As for your questions, 1: Characterisation; 2:Dialogue; 3:Setting; 4:Point of view; 5:Development; 6:Pacing; 7:Mechanics. Let me answer the easy ones first. Dialogue, great, the characters speak as we expect them, their conversations are believable and useful, POV, what is there to say, this is perfect. Pacing, great, Mechanics, also great. Setting - I left this off the easy list because it requires more than a few words. You do a great job of painting the setting. I mean I know this is in SA but it could be anywhere, and that is the point. The setting, while important, shouldn't command the story. So I like the details - even where I don't always understand them - like some of the words used. The food and drink is unique to the region so I like that you keep them as they would be in their setting. Development - see my comments above about how fast things happened. I think that addresses this topic Which leaves us characterization. I think you do a great job of dealing with Keegan, Alex, Coach, Marx and De Beers. Jean is okay, she is his best friend, so there might have been a few more scenes with her to flesh her out a bit more. Same with Patrick. Both were dealt with and well developed, just would like to know a bit more about both since these are his best mates. Perhaps more about is struggle to tell them but not. Then again, things move along quiet fast and it is hard to have time with your mates when you spend most of your time with your new love. So while I might like to see more, I am not sure exactly where to plug that in. BUT, if you could find a way, it would help flesh out both Keegan and Alex. A scene or two more with Jean and Keegan and perhaps a scene or two with Alex and Patrick would help give depth to both. After writing that, I am going to say, another Jean/Keegan scene is probably not needed. Her defense of him speaks volumes. It shows the depth of her character and her feelings. So maybe a Patrick/Alex scene to give us a bit more insight to both. Okay last - spoiler time So I am hooked, now reel me in. Andy

Not that Mina getting the Frisbee isn't very cool - I never get enough of watching my dogs do stuff like that - but where were you doing that? Looked like a very cool setting with the hill/mini mountain in the background.

Jasmine, First let me address the spelling and grammar gripe that has you so hot - I am sure there were some there, but it didn't prevent me from enjoying your story. Seriously, I can't say it was a distraction because I don't remember any specific examples. Just roll with it, don't get upset. Just use it as motivation to fix thing. As you go along you will get better at seeing the typos. As for the story itself - which is what you really want to hear about - I like where you are going with this. In truth, Wade should not be doing what he is doing - i.e. resolved to lie to Robbie - can you say heart ache express? But he is doing it and now we will get to see the consequences. Cody is an enigma right now; Why Wade? Why does he think dating Melinda will get him Wade? Why does he have it out for Robbie? I mean other than Robbie kicking the crap out of him, because that is what it seems like he is doing - try to get to Robbie. And why isn't Cody worried about being outed? Robbie, Wade and Shelly saw him all but raping Wade. So many interesting threads you are weaving here. Good job. Andy

I second Benji, great story - looks like it will be an interesting read for chapters to come. Don't fret about being conceited - the idea is to promote your story and get a following and have people give you feed back. As I said in the brief review I gave you - that was an awesome ending - the one word 'Anger' was great. It summed up perfectly the reaction Cameron had to Mark's suggestion. I like the way you bring out things through the conversation between characters. It is so much easier to read than paragraphs of detail. Slowly you are teasing out the details of your 'world.' Keep it up. Looking forward to the next chapters. Andy

Very cool James!! Keep on going strong. Andy

Well frankly all of it wasn't spot on - though when you ask if the G-parents are accepting I will say that is true prediction - Grandma is a hippie chick at heart despite her wealth. But as for the rest - one should always keep one's cards close to the vest [figured the gambling metaphor was apt for a Vegas man]. Once I get the next set of chapters up you will see your answers to most of those questions. I suspect you will be able to divine much of the rest at chapter 5 or so but then again who knows? My brain isn't wired the same as most I am told LOL. Andy

Wow Benji, that spoiler was interesting - completely wrong but interesting Part two will be very different from One. Just leave it at that. But that won't be evident until the 4th or 5th chapter. But thanks for reading and commenting, I hope you still like it after all the changes in the second half. Andy

Chapter 16 is up and it is what I would consider the end of the first part - part two is going to be decidedly different so if anyone has any thoughts or comments on this half, let me know. Most of the the second half is written, and I actually have two different endings written, not sure which way I want to go. I have a few details to add to the second half and a few decisions on what to add/not add. That and a lot of editing. When I started posting I thought I had this sh!t down but 16 chapters later, I read the stuff I wrote before with a rather critical eye. SO that said, comments on the first half? Thanks Andy

Rise Against - - and Metallica - Unforgiven II Sum 41 - Social Distortion - & Unless I have my iPod on shuffle then who knows LOL