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viv

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  1. viv
    Once upon a time… That’s how these things start, right? The line that starts the whole story. After that, nothing else even matters but getting to the happily ever after. I used to think I could see mine, out there on the horizon, but each time I think I’ve got it in my sights, something happens that shows me differently.
     
     
    The settings and circumstances change, characters come and go, and there’s plenty of romance and drama to make it interesting. Even if you could predict how it ended, it’s so much fun to get there that you wouldn’t want to miss a thing, wouldn’t change a thing. And in the end, that’s what matters… that you lived and loved with your whole heart.
     
     
    No matter how much or how well I plan, no matter how much I might work toward it or want it, the truth is that happiness is elusive, evolving, ever-changing. It’s conditional and comprehensive and you haven’t got a chance at actually attaining it without perspective. It’s different for each person, without justification, and the same. We’re all searching for it.
     
     
    We pack up our hopes and dreams in our knapsacks, swing them over our shoulders, and head out into the great big world in search of it. Things happen on our quest, as they inevitably will, that make us change what we think will make us happy. Force us to examine our original plan or dream and decide if it’s still worth pursuing, if it’s still the thing that’s going to make us happy and whole.
     
     
    So often, people hit a wall, and instead of figuring out how to get over it or around it, they just turn around and go back the way they came. We justify it to ourselves, the giving up, by telling ourselves that we were mistaken, that we didn’t really want that after all. The truth is it was too much work to learn to climb the walls. It was easier to just walk away.
     
     
    That entire idea is absurd. Of course, we don’t know that then. Not only are we walking away from our dreams and our potential happiness, but we leave little pieces of ourselves behind every time we do. Living our lives as a fraction of our whole selves isn’t easy or conducive to finding the happily ever after we’ve been looking for. Worse, it’s actually more work in the long term to continually have to convince ourselves that we happily left those pieces behind.
     
     
    Sometimes, actually, a lot lately, I wonder how much one person can take before they give up. It’s been said that you’re only given as much as you can handle at one time. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I’ve been given an extraordinary amount. Definitely more than any one person’s fair share, then again, as I was often reminded as a child, life isn’t fair.
     
     
    My life has fallen apart so many times now that I’ve lost count. Not really, but I don’t like to recount them. It’s not a contest and no one knows the rules. Does the scoring work like golf or like bowling? Does the survivor of the worst situation win, or is it the person who never had to find a way to exist in spite of the worst happening?
     
     
    Being a party to the first group, having set aside my dreams repeatedly for the good of the cause, literally learning things the hard way, and learning to breathe with a broken heart makes a good case for the people in group number two. Still though, I wonder. In return for survival, I’ve earned an appreciation for making the most of each moment, for putting my whole heart and self into everything I do, being genuine, and the value of true happiness. That’s definitely got value, and it’s something the people in group number two will never have.
     
     
    Without perspective, and a heap of optimism, it’s fair to say that a lot of people who have suffered some upheaval in their lives miss the things they were supposed to learn at the time. And that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Learning the lessons, learning from the experiences, growing as a human being, and finding happiness. Not that it’s easy to remember that in the moment.
     
     
    Often it comes to us in flashes, tiny pieces of clarity and knowledge that we grab on to and use to pull ourselves out of the ugly hole of despair. It’s a slippery slope, and for some, it takes years and a Sherpa to find their way out. Even with a trail of breadcrumbs and trail signs, it’s one of the most difficult journeys a person will ever make. One would think the third or fourth, or even the fifth time, you’d know the way out, but it doesn’t work that way. No one ever said life was for the faint of heart.
     

    …


     
    I rummaged through one drawer in my mom’s old, cherry wood jewelry box that sat atop my dresser before moving to another until I found it. It wasn’t in great shape when I pulled it out from amongst the old watches, the matching one I’d gotten for him a month later, and the shamrock pin I wear once a year. Tarnished and so scratched from years of wear, you could barely make out my name where it had been engraved on the front.
     
     
    Still, I turned it over and read the inscription on the back of the very first gift he’d ever given me. It was to celebrate my 16th birthday and our one month anniversary. An ID bracelet, simple and silver, with a message straight from a heart experiencing those first delirious moments when you fall so crazy in love for the first time.
     
     
    I wanted to wear it again, to remind me of what we once had, what we could have again, if he can find his way back to me. A reminder to soothe myself with hope when I’m so scared that we’ll never get it back, and because it’s the closest I’ve been to feeling his love in weeks.
     
     
    I squeezed a little toothpaste into my hand and rubbed it between my palms a second before cleaning the bracelet the best way I knew how in the absence of any silver polish and wondered if he’d even remember giving it to me, remember what it said. Eventually, I silently admitted to myself that I hoped it reminded him of what he’d promised me all those years ago.
     
     
    Forever yours. Love, Rich.
     
     
    Hours later, when I was serving dinner, our daughter, Annemarie, just weeks from turning sixteen herself, noticed it and asked, “What is that bracelet?”
     
     
    Unsure if I was relieved that she wasn’t complaining about the peas I was putting in front of her, or suddenly nervous that Rich had taken notice now also, I vaguely answered, “It’s mine. I’ve had it a while,” and handed Rich a plate of beef stroganoff that he eyed cautiously. He doesn’t like mushrooms or sour cream, but he’d have to actually speak to me to find out if it contained either. Instead, he just ate it.
     
     
    Like any typical teenage girl who is all wrapped up in her own life, she let it go, and in an effort not to let me down, went on to complain about the peas. It was a welcome piece of normalcy, something I could count on in the chaos that had become my life. Besides, I like peas and beef stroganoff.
     
     
    It’s equally horrifying and comforting to know where Rich and I were in our lives at her age, and knowing that she’s so far from that place. We were so sure at sixteen that we had it all figured out, or if not, that we’d conquer the world together. We’d show them, prove them all wrong. What the hell did we know?
     

    …


     
    There are two types of people in this world. The type who crumble in the face of a crisis, who panic and act without thinking, who let their fear and their emotions control their behavior and decisions, and then there’s the other. These remaining people are the logical type. They keep their heads when times get tough, are always thinking their way through several scenarios until they find the best one, and easily separate their emotions from their thought process.
     
     
    That’s not to say that these logical thinkers don’t have emotional reactions to things. They certainly do, it would be inhuman not to. They just typically don’t act on them. As it turns out, intuition and emotional responses don’t usually lead us down the smoothest or the safest path. Certainly not the smartest.
     
     
    Typically, it’s the outbursts of anger, the confessions of love made with such bravado, and the feeling as if you’ve just had the wind knocked out of you leaving you with a horribly painful sadness where you would normally find oxygen that can create the biggest opportunities to make the worst moves. I would have said decisions, but to be decisive requires thought, consideration, and evaluation.
     
     
    Being a logical mind can be both a phenomenal power and a crippling weakness. To know that you’ll always know what to do and how to go about getting it done, to take things literally and to be able to count on that as a constant, and to feel the comfort that logic is your default setting can be immensely comforting in a world that changes faster than many of us can keep up with. Consequently, it makes it a major difficulty to let that default setting go and find enjoyment in basic things.
     
     
    Personally, I can’t make it through most cartoons. Even if I could overlook the fact that there are talking animals who can lift anvils that weigh twenty times their own body weight or drive cars along the ocean floor, what I cannot discount is that the responses those cartoon characters have to whatever circumstances they find themselves in, become moot, ridiculous, illogical.
     
     
    Instead of being entertaining, it’s frustrating. Possibly as frustrating as being the person on the couch next to me watching a movie or a TV show. Perhaps it comes from my depth of life experience, or because I’m a writer and a storyteller, or because, as logical as I am, I’m more in touch with my emotions and the emotions of those around me than most people, but whatever the reason, when I can predict the ending, most people would say there’s no point in watching anymore.
     
     
    I disagree, for it’s there, in that moment when we’ve connected with that character enough to know what will happen in their future, that we learn about ourselves. How would we act or feel in that situation? What would we do? What would our next move be? Little lessons and explorations that can be learned and taken without consequence. A free pass.
     
     
    Logical people watch everything, analyzing, organizing, forming patterns. They are supervisory and certain about what they feel is right or wrong. These people are easily adaptable and energetic, have a keen eye for details, and typically, a logical person is the decision maker. They are realists.
     
     
    I’m not sure anyone but a logical personality could understand what it feels like to be faced with a situation that is anything but logical. To be able to do nothing to make it right or organize it so it can be dealt with. To be the one not making the decisions. There are no ‘right’ answers; there are no ways to best this dragon. The only thing there is in bountiful quantities is a frightening feeling of helplessness.
     

    …


     
    After 19 years, Rich has decided he's not in love with me anymore, started sleeping with a girl he works with, and has destroyed my dreams, my marriage, broken my heart, and crushed my children's entire existence with his selfishness.
     
    After 19 years, I've crossed more things off my 'I Never Want To Experience This' List than my bucket list. Here's one more: I'm getting divorced.
  2. viv

    I Need A Favor...

    By viv,

    If you're fluent in reading and writing Spanish, good with spelling and grammar, and have a couple spare hours and would like to help me out with a project, let me know!
     
    Thanks!
  3. viv
    Gay Rights- What’s So Right About Them?


    “The true civilization is where every man gives to ever other man every right that he claims for himself.”- Robert Green Ingersoll. According to this quote and our Constitution of the United States of America, our country is not a true civilization, but a country where bigotry, hatred, and discrimination are chosen by its citizens. One in ten people are gay, which means everyone knows a gay person, they just might not know it yet. These gay citizens are mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, children, friends, co-works, teachers, bosses, strangers, and more. These citizens are a part of the people that make up our country and they should have every right to the same freedoms, benefits, and rights as everyone else in this country. As things are today, gay people aren’t allowed to be married to the person they love. Some gay people aren’t allowed to adopt children, while others who fight to protect the rights and freedoms they are denied aren’t even suppose to tell their country and their fellow soldiers that they are gay.
    For a child born today in 2010 that is raised in an average two-parent family, the cost is about $300,000. For every child that we deny the chance to be raised by a loving same-sex parent family, the cost falls on the tax payers, just as it does when we deny those loving same-sex parents the chance to have a family of their own. “Nature vs. Nurture” suggests that how, where, and by whom you are raised will affect the outcome and product of what a child will become. “There are arguments for both sides, but from experience, I’ve seen it work both ways, typically with the child taking the good moments with them, while learning what not to do from the bad things, and in the end, a child will be raised in a family that loves it.”-Vivian Barlund.
    “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is the policy of the U.S. military restricting efforts by the military to try and find out if a soldier is gay, while at the same time stopping these same soldiers from openly being gay while serving their country. If they talk about being gay or about their same-sex relationships they will be discharged and removed from the military. What’s worse is the fact that these gay soldiers are fighting to protect the rights and freedoms that U.S. citizens love and enjoy while they are being denied some of the very same rights.
    Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote during the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to over-turn Colorado’s Amendments 2 referendum, “We cannot accept the view that Amendment 2’s prohibition on specific legal protections does no more than deprive homosexuals the special rights, to the contrary the amendment imposes a special ability on those persons alone. Homosexuals are forbidden the safe guards that others enjoy or may seek without restraint.” A private moral or religious view that same-sex couples are inferior to opposite sex couples is not a proper basis for legislation.
    Currently in America, five states and the District of Colombia issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples- Massachusetts, Iowa, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Vermont. Along with those marriage licenses, the states offer protections granted to married straight couples who cannot be married, like hospital visitation, social security benefits, immigration, health insurance, estate taxes, family leave, nursing homes, and pensions.
    All of these things I have discussed, serving you country as part of the military, having a family, being a parents to a child that needs one, being able to marry the one you love, and take advantage of the benefits that come with those things should be among the basic rights for every citizen in this country. Since the beginning of time, different minorities have fought for rights, whether it was a woman’s right to vote, or Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on a bus, and today, the minority that is fighting for the equal rights are gay people. Society might call this a fight for gay rights, but not much is right about them as they stand today. A gay person is no different from a straight person, and it’s time for people to start putting their money where their mouth is. “It’s not about gay rights anymore, it’s about human rights.”-Vivian Barlund.
  4. viv
    Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives. - Frederick F. Flack
     
    That time for me is now.
     
    It feels like I have spent a lifetime, at least all of mine thus far, waiting for someone or something to come along and recognize me for the person I am and the things I have to offer the world. Recently though, I've realized that I will wait my whole life, until I have exhausted every breath and every sunrise, and in doing so, I'll have been the most loyal and devoted to some unknown expectation or faith, more than I have ever been to myself. There's a malfunction there, a breakdown, for if I cannot count myself among the best I know, then I haven't lived up to my potential.
     
    Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. - Barack Obama
     
    I have a lot of new things going on in my life, and I couldn't be happier. I'm working on a special project. It's a temporary assignment, and because of that, I'm on a leave of absence from my daily job. It's a tough assignment, but I'm proud to be part of the team making history. It puts a lot of things into a very clear perspective for me. It makes me grateful for what I do have, but more, it makes me hungry for what I want. Things I know I can have if I take some chances instead of sitting around and hoping that my dreams will come true if I just wait around long enough.
     
    I've always been pretty rational when it comes to concepts like money buying happiness, and that some things, like the love and respect you have earned from good people and the friendship and support you have offered in tandem, are worth more than any dollar can be, but I've always operated under a belief that things happen as they should, and so if I just wait long enough, my life will turn out as it should have.
     
    Now I just think that's naive and crazy.
     
    I'm always encouraging other people to go after their dreams. That if they are unhappy, to change things. That if they are talented or good at something they're passionate about, that they should share that with the world. That we each create our own happiness and therefore are responsible for our unhappiness. Somewhere in there, I forgot to tell myself the same thing.
     
    If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou
     
    A while back I said that I applied for a mentorship program. After submitting a written entry, participating in a phone interview, answering a written questionnaire, and having an in-person meeting, I've been selected. ::applause:: I know, I know...
     
    The reason there is such a mentor program is because of this man, Ryan Blair. If you are over the age of twenty, you should absolutely watch this video.

    I can't tell you how many ways I related to the things he says, but I'm really very thankful that I have this chance to work with him and learn from him.
     
    So, I have these mentors now, Troy and Rich, who are both successful, smart, motivated, friendly, genuine human beings who have taken me under their wings and are helping me to be a healthier, happier, more informed, and hopefully wealthier person. Outside of the fact that it's always good to know people who have done the things you're looking to do, and been very successful at them, I think it's amazing that there are still people out there that could be spending their time and money doing literally anything they want, and they're choosing to spend it helping other people achieve their own success and realize their own dreams.
     
    These are my kind of people...
     
    The premise of the mentor program, and one of the reasons I'm so excited, is that I really have nothing to lose. I already have a crappy, unfulfilling, and completely unrewarding job that my family can just barely survive on. I have about 90ish pounds I could do without, and a family medical history that is chasing me down. I also have a whole life ahead of me still, and I have dreams of helping people, helping them achieve their own dreams, and I couldn't be more excited to have grabbed onto this opportunity with both hands. Most importantly, I'm finally DOING something about fulfilling my own.
     
    Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. - John Kenneth Galbraith
     
    As part of the mentor program, I've started my own business and if you want more information about it, I'd love to talk to you about it. http://www.vivianbarlund.bodybyvi.com/
     
    Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. - Howard Zinn
     
    I'm changing mine. Team Lifestyle!
  8. viv
    To the Birthday Boy:
    I figured it made sense to start with you since I could take the opportunity to write this to you on your birthday and I know how much you love having it made into some big thing. I really wish I could be there to celebrate with you and make you some birthday cake while you hug me from behind. Instead, you
  9. viv
    Viv: knock knock
    Viv: i come to fixing the pipe...
    Viv: okay?
    Viv: zoey just came running in all WHAT THE ACTUAL f**k!?
    Rich: ?
    Rich: the rapist is back?
    Viv: cause there are strange men and plastic and ladders and the couch and table are moved and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Rich: ok
    Viv: water's off now
    Rich: ok
    Viv: why do all repairmen smell like oil and paint?
    Rich: standard issue cologne
    Rich: eau de manuel labor
    Rich: manual
    Rich: well i suppose manuel probably fits most of the time
    Viv: haha exactly
    Viv: oh, a painter now too
    Rich: that is comedy gold right there
    Viv: totally
    Viv: and so we have a saw again
    Rich: he has to make an even shape
    Rich: rectangle or square
    Viv: meh, who needs this insulation? ::throws over shoulder::
    Viv: oh it's raining and not men
    Rich: um...good
    Viv: joykill
    Rich: well i don
  10. viv
    Help my friend Ron recieve a $15k scholarship, which he could really use. Any help is greatly appreciated.
     
    The URL to his submission is: http://fastweb15years.com/entries/3697/
     
    Please go there and vote for him. You can vote once a day, I believe.
     
    Thanks so much!
  11. viv
    I think I might be having a mid-life crisis. Except, if you do the math, that means I'll only live to 66, although that's 10 years longer than either of my parents made it, but still, not nearly long enough. I keep running from it, like if I can put it off for another decade or two then that must mean I've outsmarted death somehow. It's inevitable. Death, I mean, but that doesn't mean I'm going willingly.
     
    Do you know that it's less than 1200 days until my daughter graduates from high school?
     
    I really can't stop it from happening, and for a control freak like me, nothing is scarier. I have so much I want to do, accomplish, see before that happens and lately I feel like I'm running in circles because I can't decide where to start, what to focus my energy on. I want to write, I started on something I think I'll try to get published, which sadly means I won't be posting it here, but I'm in love with the idea/plot. I wrote a song, actually two, but the first one is... not my story, just my interpretation of someone else's so I'm leaving it up to him.
     
    I am in love with words and the affect they have on people, what they can mean to someone, how they can make someone see something or feel something new or differently. I read like crazy, I sing all the time, and I have music on as much of the time as possible. I dance around and people I love make faces at me, but I want to dance. I get attached to people because I invest myself and my emotions in them. I'm real, and I don't waste time pretending to be someone I'm not.
     
    I feel like I see and hear so much talent every day and I wonder what makes me so different? Is it cause I'm not 18 and blond, even if I do have the rack for it? Not that I want anything that way, cause I don't. I've spent a lot of my life working to get peoople to look past it to my brain. Is it because I'm not skinny to the point of anorexia? It certainly can't be because I don't love it or put my soul into everything I do. Maybe I'm scared. I think that's a safe assumption.
     
    I've been listening to Parachute a bit lately. They have a full sound I really like and the lyrics are just interesting enough to make me to pay attention. Pictures of Spencer Smith smiling from behind his drum kit make my heart swell. Rich has been playing his guitar again, but only when I'm not here to witness it.
     
    I'm going to be Tony's date to his friend's graduation from college. These are kids I've watched grow up, and maybe at some point they'll stop being kids to me, but time is just flying by me and at some point it's going to be upsetting that I can't rein it in, slow it down. It might already be. I used to say that I don't feel any older, just that the kids are getting older. That is still mostly true, but I know (logically) if I take better care of my body, it'll last longer. That's one way to think about it.
     
    Dear Death,
    I'll trade you one workout for one more day of life. If these terms are acceptable, please sign below.
    Sincerely,
    Viv
     
    Knowing myself, I'd spend all day doing that and miss everything else. It's a fine line to walk. I'm secretly hoping that if I admit this here, it'll stave off the impending implosion for a while. I decided the other day that I think Diablo Cody would be an awesome choice to make From Behind Those Eyes into a movie.
     
    On Monday, Rich and I will have been together for 17 years. Longer than we haven't been together, actually. Time is just kicking my ass, it seems like yesterday. Some things never change. On Mother's Day at work, I had this older man ask me if I was going to get to see my mom after work. I told him no, since she passed away 12 years ago. I asked about him, would he be seeing his mom? He said no, same... So I told him we should hang out then. He laughed.
     
    How do you like it here in my head?
  12. viv

    This is my life...

    By viv,

    ... and I'm still laughing!
     
    I just got home from work and Rich and I are eating dinner and I'm talking to my fourteen year old daughter and she tells me that her colorguard instructor told them all they should watch some movie she can't exactly remember the name of because it's FUNNY! After much nonsense, we figure out the movie is Pee Wee's Big Adventure...
     
    This is what happened next:
     
    Me: Didn't he go to jail?
    Rich: In real life? Yeah...
    Me: Tell her what for.
    *insert uncomfortable pause*
    Rich: Uhh, well... He was in an adult movie theater...
    My daughter: Where they show pornos...
    Rich: And he was touching himself...
    My daughter: Masturbating...
    Me: *pointedly not saying a thing cause this is going to be great*
    Rich: STOP SAYING GROWN UP WORDS!
    Me: ::hysterical laughter::
    My daughter: Dad...
    Rich: *pleading SOS look*
    Me: She pretty much told you...
  13. viv
    ... and, oh, how I hate the game.
     
    If I were six or seven, you might 'let' me win, and if I was ten, I'd take my proverbial ball and go home. Around thirteen, I'd try to revise the rules in my favor, and at sixteen, I'd hold you to every literal word of them and use them against you. At some point, you realize that if you don't get caught, sometimes it can work out in your favor to do things the way you want to as long as no one gets hurt.
     
    The laws are made for the lesser of our society... the idiots who need to be told to put their kid in a carseat or a seatbelt, to put a helmet on before they ride a motorcycle, not to take from other people, that it's not okay to punch someone. But it's not these laws or rules I'm talking about. It's the unwritten rules, the things that get left unsaid, but are expected, obvious.
     
    So, here's the thing...
     
    Why is it that the expectation for all of us, I'm even guilty of pushing my children into it, is that we all go to school, grow up, go to college, and miraculously end up with some great job we hopefully love? We ask them what they want to be when they grow up, and we laugh when it changes daily, and then when it stops changing, we're glad, like at least something is decided. Ready for the next step.
     
    I have such a hard time swallowing the idea that I have to give, at the very least, four years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars, if not more, and play 'the game' so that I can emerge from the other side, allegedly educated, with a very expensive piece of paper in my hand that offers me no guarantees. The only guarantee is 'they' want you to have one. Sure, they put it in a snazzy cover for you, and hold a ceremony, complete with motivational speeches, shake your hand, and send you on your way, but that's it... no guarantees, You're on your own.
     
    Now you're in debt, you can't make as much money starting out as I make now working in a grocery store for thirteen years doing mindless work and garnering amazing health benefits for my family, and you start the same competition over again. Isn't that what it always is? A competition. Intelligent and eager vs. participants who operate on a balance of expectations and laziness? Rich vs. poor? Who you know vs. what you know?
     
    As a fairly intelligent person, I have always found fault with this 'system'. It's extremely frustrating and it makes me truly sad that there is some 'kid' out there whose daddy is rich and paid for the new computers in the library, or the auditorium at the private school he also pays for, and this kid doesn't know any different. He shows up every day, along with all the other kids in ties, as if that makes this better, whose parents pay for their spots, and at the end of it all, his dad is going to call his old 'friend' or his favorite professor from his alma mater and before you know it, this kid has a spot in the Ivy League and he doesn't even know what that means, what it could mean, what to do with it.
     
    Meanwhile, across town...
     
    There is a kid who goes through the public school system, collecting his free lunches along with his non-descript education, and even if he, like me, loved school, did well, had a great GPA, was involved in a variety of extra-curriculars, and passed his AP tests, is still struggling, hoping that he qualifies for some obscure scholarship that is going to help him pay for what is supposed to be next. He doesn't though, or maybe he does, but even so, he ends up at some JC, sitting next to every other less motivated, less intelligent kid still living at home, getting his half-credit experience and education for a third or fourth of the price.
     
    Either way, what happens after that ceremony, complete with the handshakes and speeches is the same. They write their resumes, they email, one from his macbook in his bedroom which is as big as the other kid's whole apartment, and the other from the public library with the free internet. Then Mr. Corporate Guy is looking through this stack of applicants and, gee, how ever will he choose between Ivy League Kid and Junior College Graduate?
     
    The stigma, the discrimination doesn't stop, not even after you play the game... so why even play?
     
    What happens if you don't play? Can't play? What happens when you're 32 and you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up? I suppose that's not actually an accurate statement. I do know a few things I'd love to do. I guess the better question is... what happens if what you want to be doesn't require some degree, your participation in 'the game'? What if what you want to be actually is based on merit and talent and you get what you should?
     
    That's a whole different game, I guess, but I'm much more willing to play that one.
  15. viv

    Make a mosaic... I did!

    By viv,

    Rules:
    a) Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
    Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
    c) Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker.
    (Change rows to 3 and columns to 3.) (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php)
    d) Save the image and post it!
     
    The Questions:
    1. What is your first name? (Vivian)
    2. What is your favourite food? (Pasta)
    3. What is your favourite colour? (Green)
    4. Favourite band? (Panic! at the Disco)
    5. Dream vacation? (Italy)
    6. Favourite hobby? (Reading)
    7. What you want to be when you grow up? (Someone who changes the world)
    8. What do you love? (Writing)
    9. One word to describe you. (Caring)
     

  16. viv

    If there are any typos...

    By viv,

    I blame the fact that I cannot feel my hands. Our heater hasn't worked for like... 4 or 5 years now and it's 45 in here. I literally don't need a refrigerator for my food. Also, if we ever meet and you wonder why my skin is so well preserved and I look far younger than my 32 years... that would be why. Between working and living where the average temperature is WAY TOO f**kING COLD, I maintain my youthful appearance apparently.
     
    Last blog I mentioned that my house is in foreclosure and so I thought I'd explain that. So, when my mom died my brothers and sister inherited the house we grew up in. About 3 years ago we refinanced the ridiculous loan my parents had and pulled out some of our equity and Rich and I bought my sister's share so then we own half. When we refinanced, it was an adjustable rate mortgage that happened to adjust up to $1800 a month last year when Rich got laid off. We worked it out with our mortgage company and did a loan modification that lowered our payments to something we could pay. The third month into that agreement we got our bill, but it was $400 higher than the afreed upon amount and we called to find out why. They said it was an escrow account for property taxes and we explained that we aren't the only owners and that we pay the mortgage and they pay the taxes and could they please remove that charge from our bill since we clearly cannot pay that ammount. They said sure, just send in a request in writing so we did, but they never removed the charge. Each month I would send in the agreed upon amount and noted specifically on the stub you send in with it how to apply the money.
     
    As it turns out, they don't actually care what we want and once they have our money they can do whatever they want with it, oe something. So after months of this, our account went into default and we received 38 letters... thirty-eight! saying that our house was in foreclosure. I called my brothers, and we've decided to sell it, but not without some bitterness and anger between the four of us involved, which probably makes it a good thing overall that it won't be an issue between us anymore in another couple months. Rich and I and the kids will be moving into an apartment somewhere nearby and for the fist time since I was 3, I'll have a new home.
     
    So why the bitterness and anger? Well, a few reasons really. One is that one of my brothers said we should have sold the house 3 years ago when we refinanced instead, and I suppose given the market now and how our house is suddenly worth over $100K less, we should have. Also, we bought my sister's portion for what is turning out to be about 3 times what they'll get to split. Additionally, my one brother seems to think that saying "this isn't an investment for me" absolves him of all responsibility which is both untrue and rather frustrating.
     
    There are few things I let myself hang onto anger and bitterness about because it just takes too much energy and life is just to short to waste on being angry, but one of the few I allow myself is tied into this situation. 12 years ago my mom died and Rich and I decided that the best thing we could do for Tony was to take care of him and raise him in our family with our kids, in the same house he had been growing up in, at the same school with the same kids he had grown up with. I have no regrets or bad feelings about that decision, at all. Not one. What does bother me, though, is that my older brother took off out of here as soon as he could. Right after graduation, he got about as far away from this all as he could and went to college for 10 years. He's got a PhD in astronomy and lives on the other side of the country fromthe rest of us. When it was my turn to go to college, instead I was taking care of Tony, and then a sick mom, and then dealing with her dying and leaving Tony, and here we are 12 years later and I've never been able to go to college. Now Tony has graduated and has his Bachelor Degree and is in law school, and our brother is so proud and just throwing money at him and it BOTHERS me.
     
    At Thanksgiving he and his wife were here for the first time in years because he happened to be in town for work, and I told him during some comversation that some of us get the chance to go to college and make the life they want, and some of us clearly just don't. It's really easy to sit over on his side of the country and act like it's so easy to do that when he has no one he's responsible for but himself. When he offered to pay for the food I bought for Thanksgiving, that I shpped for and I prepared, I almost told him to f**k off.
     
    Needless to say, I'm ready to move on and make our own way in this life now that Tony is basically out on his own, too. My brother is a smart, nice guy... I just don't think, no, I know, that he doesn't even get how much we have saacrificed so that he can have his life with no responsibilities, where he just cruises into town for a few random days a year and throws money at us.
     
    Anyway...
     
    So, we went to a funeral today. Fun times, right? It was for my dad's cousin. We didn't really know her well and had only recently become reacquainted with her and her kids, but she was a great lady. She was buried in the same cemetary as my dad, just around the corner from him so for the first time in 15 years, I visited his grave. I don't really have any good reason for why I haven't gone except that I think that when you die, that's not you anymore and I don't actualy have to go anywhere to visit you. I visit you in my memories and in my heart and so... whatever, I never go. But my sister was there, and she wanted to go, and since we were there anyway, why not, right? She tells us she has this 'tradition' when she goes, that she always lights a cigarette for him because he was a smoker, like she is. So today, I watched her light a cigarette and lay it down in the grass next to his headstone... in LA... while silently hoping she doesn't light the cemetary on fire. Then she decided that we should also go visit the grave of someone else we love very much at another cemetary and alright, why not. Also haven't been there in the 6 years since she died, but we went, and I'm not joking when I tell you that she THREW HER BODY DOWN on this gravestone. I'm not sure how we ended up so different, but I'm really glad that I don't have all those what? Issues?
     
    In much more fun and exciting news... I spent 4 hours on a bus on Saturday with 49 teenagers going to San Diego and back for the SCSBOA Championships where my daughter and her band and colorguard won FIRST PLACE!!! Not without a little drama, courtesy of my kid, but all is well now that she's wearing a first place gold medal around her neck and is part of the best 5A band and colorguard in Southern California!
     
    So yeah, we'll be moving in a few weeks and anyone who happens to be in the area and wants to help... I'll be happy to feed you and give you many hugs and smiles and snuggles and you can stare at my amazingly hot husband for the day... see:

     
    Davey is sick and it's his birthday tomorrow! Get well, happy birthday wishes anyone?
     
    Hugs,
    Viv
  17. viv
    These words are absolutely a figment of your imagination...
     
    I've started to write a blog here about fourteen times in the last month, and every time I click 'Add Entry' this overwhelming feeling comes over me that I won't be able to do it justice because my brain is focused on about forty-seven different things and so, I quit before I even start.
     
    In case you were wondering what actually happened to me... High School Marching Band and Colorguard ATE MY SOUL. No lie.
     
    In addition to that I've been sick, recovering from being sick, having visitors (Jeff and Thorben), my house has gone into foreclosure, gone to Disneyland twice, and working.
     
    I'm not really sure I can tell all of what has gone on, nor am I sure that more than a few people actually want to read it, but I'll try to sum up and include some pictures.
     
    I was sick, a small little sinus thing that didn't feel too bad, but kicked my ass in the feeling tired for weeks department. Now I'm well... no big deal. (That was easy...)
     
    Jeff and Thorben came to visit over Halloween weekend!! They arrived late one Thursday night and we sat around and talked for an hour before we all gave up and needed to sleep. On Friday, Jeff flew to Sacramento to see his VERY pregnant sister he almost never sees, and Rich and I took Thorben to The Block to shop, see the Vans Skate Park, and have his very first Jamba Juice!! We picked kids up from school, baked oatmeal raisin butterscotch cookies and a pineapple upside-down cake, went to TGIFriday's for dinner where there were several men dressed as angels with wings and halos for Halloween. We went back to my house and Jeff arrived from the airport and we carved pumpkins and had cake and then all passed out.
    Saturday was Halloween and we went to Santa Monica Pier where Thorben stuck his toes in the Pacific ocean, and then much more than his toes. It was the farthest he's ever been from home and pretty exciting for him to get to see things like the Hollywood sign and other things he's only ever seen in movies or on TV.

    We dressed Matty up as Anakin Skywalker and dressed Annemarie up in her costume and make-up for her performance and dropped her off at school. We took Matty trick-or-treating and Thorben got to do that for the first time in his coordinating Darth Vader t-shirt. Then we QUICKLY drove over to the stadium to catch Annemarie's performance and Jeff got to be a big marching band geek again for a few hours. Annemarie's school has been consistently winning and it was awesome to have them see it. (I'm going to put a link here to the show, and I'm going to make serious threats about anyone even THINKING about doing something stupid regarding my kid and her school. Also excuse the screaming, but this was a football game...)
    We got to bed after midnight and then dragged out butts out of bed again early to go to Disneyland. Jeff and Thorben briefly met my sister and then we were in and waiting for a certain Steve that may have overslept... We had long cinnamony goodness and watched fireworks. The next morning I worked and Jeff, Thorben, and I had a quick goodbye breakfast at the local IHOP.
     
    Anyway, the drama with my house is both a good and bad thing, but I think that in the end, everything will work out for the best and we'll finally be on our own. Either that, or I'll be asking to come sleep on your couches...
     
    I've been reading bandom. There's, like, a SERIOUS lack of good stuff to read out there lately... said the one who's not contributing at all.
     
    Rich has a sort-of beard going on. It's not long, more like a scruffy, hasn't shaved in a week thing, and it's alright. We'll see how that goes and if I can deal with it.
     
    I spent last Friday at Disneyland where my daughter and her band and colorguard were in the Disneyland Parade and that was pretty cool. My sister and Rich managed to get along all on their own for a few minutes, and for the whole morning in my presence. GASP! Then we met up with Steve again and had MORE long cinnamoy goodness. I might be wrong, but it feels a little like he keeps eyeing me like he wants to cuddle and is afraid to. Jeff is a BIG cuddler, and so am I, and Thorben is working on it, so I think it was an interesting thing for Steve to see... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong and cuddle me if I'm right!
     
    We didn't get ANY Smarties in the Halloween candy this year so I had to buy some from the markdown section. Contrary to popular belief, they do not actually make you smarter. Also, I didn't even sort the candy this year (GASP) cause I was SO busy doing a zillion other things, and since Annemarie was performing, she didn't get to trick-or-treat this year so Matty just shared with her... unheard of, I know. But it was really cute cause he kept leaving her little stacks of candy on her bed and then she'd come home and find them and smile.
     
    I haven't talked to Davey, outside of a random text message, in weeks cause he's moved to a new store again and living out of a hotel again. Last time we talked, he seemed much happier and told me a hilarious story I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I shared with you. Just as a refresher, he is a manager of a big store for a big chain. He told me that he has some guy working for him at the new store he's out who is totally obvious with his flaminess and also, is a lazy excuse for an employee. Several times he's had him in his offie talking to him and discussing how he needs to be trying harder, working faster, priorities, etc... and this last time, the guy told Dave he was going to report him for harassment, based on the guy's sexuality. Dave picks up the phone and calls Chris and tells the guy to tell this person on the phone what he just told Dave. So the guy, trying to stick to his bravado, repeats it and then all he hears is Chris LAUGHING. He demands to know who he's talking to and Dave says, "That would be my boyfriend..." PS. WE LOVE CHRIS!
     
    One last funny story for the road...
     
    Our trip to Disneyland with Jeff and Thorben and Steve left us with an odd number of people and so, to make sure no one would have to ride alone, I asked Annemarie to see if she had any friends with an annual pass who might want to come along. She asked this boy, J, who entertained us with MUCH Disney trivia and card tricks while we were there. Anyway, before we went, J tells me his mom wants to meet me, which, cool, cause too many parents don't give a shit where or who their kids are with these days. Turns out I had already met her at another parent meeting so we did the whole 'I know you. And I know you' thing. So she's asking if I want her to bring J over in the morning before Disneyland and I say that I' be happy to come get him, no need for her to get out of bed early on a Sunday. She asks where we live and I tell her the cross streets and she asks what street specifically like she knows the area. I tell her and she tells me that she grew up on the same street... turns out she lived four houses down from me when I was a kid, and she's much older than me, since I'm like... the youngest mom of a high schooler, but I'm trying to remember who else lived there. I remember a boy named Josh that I played with a lot, and I mention his name and she tells me he's her nephew and I say, "Oh wow! I totally kissed him by the pool when we were 6!" And of course, Annemarie and J are like ::groan:: Parents!
     
    From my own side of this very small and very big world,
    Viv
  18. viv
    The reason for the poll is that there seems to be a sexual orientation thing happening with my daughter's new group of teammates. There is H, who is a lesbian. There is D, a guy, who is bi, but seems to exhibit typically female tendencies like shaving his legs, having long hair with bangs and then wearing it up in a ponytail like girls tend to. Then she said another girl told them she was bi, and now a freshman, M, has said she's bi, too, and when I walked in there last Friday she was all cuddled up with another girl holding hands. Annemarie thinks that M is just saying that so that people will like her, and I found myself wondering when being gay or bi was the cool new trend. I know plenty of people who have struggled for years, or who are still struggling with being gay and I can't imagine someone thinking that claiming to be gay or bi would be an easy way to make friends. Additionally, I began to wonder how much H, D, and M can actually be sure they know what they are/like at such a young age.
     
    I'll admit that I was quite young when I started getting sexually involved with boys. Too young, for sure, but I knew then what I liked, and I know today that I still like it. Personally, I would rate myself a 2 on the Kinsey Scale. I've never actually done anything sexual with a girl beyond figuring out how certain parts work while next to each other, but I can admit that I definitely find some women attractive. How far I would get sexually with one, I'm not sure. I may be a 'gay above the waist' type of person. On the other side of this argument, I have been having sex for about 18 years now, and there are plenty of new things I've found out I like that I didn't know back then. So anyway, I'm interested in what you guys think and have experienced. I know these are personal questions, so feel free to remain anonymous, or if you like, let's discuss it further.
     
     
    As promised, here is a portion of Underneath This Big Ol' Sky - Part 6 that I have been working on... hope you enjoy it and THANK YOU all for being SO EXTREMELY patient with me while I deal with the hardest part of writing, for me.
     
    Underneath This Big Ol
  19. viv

    I'd ask for a do-over...

    By viv,

    but I'm not sure if it would actually get better so I guess I'm going to remind myself that it's just stuff...
     
    So, I was literally all over Earth yesterday trying to get ready for this birthday party we're having on Sunday, which, on a side note, I'd like to take this time to bitch about people who don't RSVP, f**king DO IT people, it's hard to know how much stuff to buy... ANYWAY, I bought a pinata, I went to the party store to buy candy and stuff for some games we'll play, I went to this place I hate but happens to be in the same parking lot as the party store and bought a couple random items, I came home and emptied the car out, went to the car wash, the bank, picked up Matty, whose birthday it was, brought him home THE dirtiest I have ever seen him, made him immediately take THE fastest shower he has ever taken and get dressed, picked Rich up from work, had my first thing to eat at 3pm, picked up Annemarie's dance leotard, went to my store to buy food for the party and order a cake, which I would make, but since I have to work till 10 tonight, no chance that is happening, and then came home to put all this food away, so then we could pick Annemarie up from practice, bring her home to shower and then take the birthday boy to Chuck E. Cheese, and of course we HAD to visit Toys R Us next door, and then Rich wanted frozen yogurt, and who am I to say no to some pomegranate yogurt with strawberries and rasperries on it?
     
    Somehow before I even made it to the pinata store, I manage to bump my car into someones else's... nobody was hurt, my car is a little more or less ugly, depending how you look at it, but what's worse is, I STILL really have no idea how it happened. Also, at some point during the ridiculousness that was my day yesterday, I lost one of my diamond earrings that I've worn for like... 10 years. Rich gave them to me as a Mother's Day/Birthday/Anniversary present. I was in the car on the way home from my store, so if you followed the crazy timeline above, close to the end of my trek all over Earth, when I felt something fall down inside my shirt. Turns out it was the back to my earring, which makes me think the earring can't be far, but I called the store, had them check the parking lot where we parked, we went back there to check ourselves also, seeing as these things cost a LOT, and then everyone inside is on the look out, Rich checked the car, I checked the grocery bags... no earring.
     
    Additionally, my pal Gregg from work had his last day there yesterday so that's a :sad: too.
     
    I'm going to go cook a crazy amount of food, do a ridiculous amount of laundry, wake a grumbly Rich to wash a kitchen full of dishes, take a shower, go feed a teenager mid-practice, get some party games set up, assign Rich and Matty the job of figuring out how to fill the pinata, while making sure there is some actual candy left to put inside it, and then go to work till 10.
     
    Here's to my day being better than yesterday...
    Viv
     
    PS. I would like it very much if, from now on, all books I buy could manage to be ones I haven't already read half of... kthxbai.
  20. viv
    There has been craziness afoot this past week in my life and there is so much to tell... grab your popcorn and settle in. This is like when your mom told you that you better go before you leave the house cause it's gonna be a long ride.
     
    In no specific order:
     
    Annemarie came home from her first day of band camp with a gift. Tradition, she says, for the seniors to give the freshman a gift. A notepad and pen to mark where she is supposed to be in each set on the field, a chapstick, a band aid, a tampon, and a condom... "You can't tell dad, he'll FREAK out!" I'm trying not to freak out myself. I tell him anyway. I'm not down with that keeping secrets nonsense. Randomly, there happened to be a mandatory parent meeting that night so after the meeting I hung around a few minutes until it cleared out some and then I went up to the band director and said, "As the paranoid mother of a thirteen year old girl, and I'm probably the coolest mom out there when it comes to this stuff," and he smirks at me, "I just wanted to let you know that she came home today with a gift," and he's nodding. "This gift was a notepad and pen, a chapstick, a band aid, a tampon... ::dramatic pause:: and a condom." From the look on his face, he clearly didn't know that happened and pulls out his phone and starts typing. I continue, "While I appreciate the spirit of the message they're trying to convey, my daughter doesn't even know how to use one of those." He looks up and says, "I hope not!" I'm not finished yet, "I think it's only half the message. You can't just give a thirteen year old a condom without the how and why and when part of the lesson, and if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give that to her myself." He's still typing, but says, "I'm not ignoring you, I'm putting this at the top of my to-do list for tomorrow." That's enough for me, so I thank him and leave.
     
    I get home from work the next day, and I'm not even out of the car yet when Annemarie is running outside to ask, "Mom! Did you call Mr. B and freak out about the condom?" So, I go with the need-to-know verion of the truth, "No, I never called him. Why?" So she tells me that he came in to talk to them that morning and says that some moms had called and freaked out at him about that and then basically repeated verbatim what I had said to him. By this time, Rich is listening, and I'm making ask-her-what-she's-talking-about pointed looks at him, but he won't, so I say, "Annemarie, Dad wants to know what you're talking about." She turns a pretty shade of pink and suggests that I tell him, but I refuse. Now, with her back to him, and after she's told him he's not allowed to look at her while she's talking, she tells him about it. I point out that if all this nonsense is necessary to even talk about it, then she's certainly not ready to be having one in her posession.
     
    A few days later, I'm volunteering at the pool party for 150 teenagers and I ask if Rich wants to come along and he says he better not, what with our daughter being in a swim suit and the ratio of boys to girls being at least 2:1. It was alright, and no drama, and she introduced me to a bunch of her friends and called me Mommy in front of them, so I think we're safe for another two weeks, maybe. While I was there, a girl showed up, and one of the booster moms filled me in on how she's a junior this year and missing marching season this year what with the way she's about to give birth and all... but next year she'll be back. So this is both the reason to give out condoms, and the reason that I want to give her the how and when and why talk because clearly, this 16 year old doesn't have it down.
     
    We got a letter asking if we wanted to send our Jr. High student, Matthew, to Japan. Clearly they have misinformation since he's only about to be eight, but I think it has to do with him passing the GATE test in the 98th percentile and his almost perfect STAR test scores. They just want him for his gigantic brain, but they can't have him!
     
    I spent my whole paycheck this week registering Annemarie for school and paying for part of colorguard. $100 for the yearbook/ASB card, $35 for pictures, $5 for the mandatory school planner, $160 for the first part of the participation fee, $60 for equipment, $45 for half of one uniform, $23 for the family preview night dinner. I still have to pay the other $45 for the second half of the one uniform and $120 for the other uniform, and supposedly she can raise the rest of the money selling stuff. Fair warning, everyone may be getting cookie dough for Christmas this year. I can selfishly say it's worth it though, cause when she comes home and says, "Mom, we learned a new routine today. Come outside so I can show you," and I go, she's smiling. And when she doesn't get something, I help her, cause I did this, too... 18 years ago. But then she passes over the rifle or the flag and I'm tossing it and spinning it and she's impressed and, "How did you do that?!" and Rich is telling me not to hit myself in the head... no faith!
     
    Two videos for you to check out that made today a very good day before even 9 a.m. New Perspective and Brendon Urie - f**k her Gently
     
    So, there is this HATE van that is parked in the parking lot where I work and I can't get over it! I've seen it a couple times before, but it's so ridiculous that I can't wrap my brain around it, so yesterday I took some pictures for you. It's like... at least he hates everyone equally, but I can't believe this idiot actually paid money for a personalized license plate that is a threat... Side of the HATE van and Back of the HATE van This guy parks and goes in the pizza joint next door and drinks for a couple hours and then drives home in his HATE van. Apparently drunk driving is perfectly acceptable to him and his God. WHATTHEf**kEVER!
     
    So a while back when I switched stores, got new bosses, etc, my company decided to try out a pilot program for safety in our district. Typically it was some responsible, knowledgable associate who worked in conjuction with management to make sure that the store is following all the OSHA requirements and that everyone is trained and so on. So this was my job for years, and at this same time, the regional safety manager took an early retirement because both her parents have Alzheimer's Disease and are to the point they can't be home alone anymore. I applied for the opening, she even gave me a recommendation, and I'm definitely more than qualified, but I knew I wouldn't get it because they were downsizing at the time and had all these hgher up bodies they had to put somewhere, but I figured that the worst that happens is I get my name out there and they tell me no. At my new store, the new management has since seen my resume and know exactly what I am capable of and are attempting to use it to their benefit, which I understand, but I'm not into getting f**ked over again by them. Currently, the pilot program states that the Assistant Store Manager is the one who is to be responsible for all this now and he's asked me repeatedly if I'm interested in helping him and I decline every time and have said on a few occasions that if he wants to give me his paycheck and position, I'd be happy to be the Assistant Store Manager, and he can stand in the checkstand and make $16/hour. He doesn't like that much.
     
    Well, the other day, he pretty much TOLD me I was going to help him because the District Manager and the woman who did get the job I applied for, but didn't get, were coming to the store for a big safety meeting since this store is a focus store. So, I did... can't really say no, and I spent a couple hours that morning walking the store making sure everyone had their slip-resistant shoes on, knew the safety topic of the month, that it's been 255 days since our last accident, and that they had a TIP (Towel in Pocket). I checked to make sure everything was as it should be, which, of course it wasn't since he hasn't been doing what he's supposed to for months now. We're sitting in this meeting and she's talking about how we can build a safety culture in our store by using communication, training, environment, etc... and she asks how we can do that with communication. I usually try not to talk much for a couple reasons. 1) then no one else speaks up, and 2) it seems like they don't know, and they do. So she's asking about how we can communicate safety to our associates, and inevitably, someone says 'lead by example' which is the thing drilled into your head when you become management. So she says, "Okay, how do we do that? How many of you have TIP?" Now, since I had been around that morning carrying a box of towels with me, every one of us pulled one out of our pocket, and their faces were priceless, and my boss leans over and says to me, "That was pretty sweet!" Yeah, you're welcome.
     
    Someone, please publish me so I can make a living writing porn... I'm good at it, I swear!I won't let you down, legit!
     
    Well, I think that's enough for now... I'd like to thank All Time Low for singing to me all blog. Check out their song Weightless. Pretty good lyrics. Their album Nothing Personal is teen pop rocky, but they have some good messages and lyrics and if you like to dance like I do, it's good for that.
     
    There's one other band I've been following. They aren't signed yet, but will be... they're good, check them out. Play For Keeps
     
    This just happened and amuses me greatly:
    Viv: ahhh crazy moth!
    Rich: ruuuuuun!
    Viv: he can fly faster... i gave in and hoped he wouldn't attack me and make me flaily
    Rich: flaily?
    Viv: yeah, you know, arms flailing and ahhhhhhh
    Rich: right!
    Viv: we calls those adverbs
    Viv:
    Rich: i call it a made up word
    Viv: like unswayed.... we all know how this turns out
    Rich: :|
    Rich: i am not swayed by your arguement
    Viv: then you remain unswayed...
    Viv: say it with me now, victory...
    Rich: we are done with this
    Viv: agreed *cough*loser*cough*
    Rich: hey whats this ignore button do.
    Viv: ahh the denial stage... sweet
    Rich: i cant see you
    Viv: because we're not in the same room, dear
     
    Hugs,
    Viv
  21. viv

    NOH8

    By viv,

    Like Rock the Vote, We Are the World, Live Aid... somehow when Hollywood and the music industry get involved, people listen.
  22. viv
    What happens when my kids are grown and off living their adult lives and no one really needs me anymore? This is something that has been worrying the little corners of my mind for a long while. I am usually too busy to think about it, or wallow, if you will. The lake of self-pity seems pretty deep lately. I'm an overachiever like that. If I'm going to do something, I do it right. I don't mess around with little twinges, I dive in, and so far I've managed not to drown.
     
    Rich took the kids camping this weekend for our niece's birthday. As usual, it was a last minute invitation, the kind my brother and sister-in-law are notorious for, and so I couldn't go. Happens every year, it seems. Poor thing probably thinks I either have an aversion to birthday parties or her. Anyway, so with Rich and the kids away, I had the night to myself, after I finished working all day, and I got an invite to go see some band with another sister-in-law, but I wasn't really interested in the band so I told her I'd pass, but thanks. Instead I made plans with another friend and I got off work, came home and showered, changed clothes, etc. and just as I was about to leave, plans got cancelled which happens.
     
    So, the question became... what am I going to do with my night now that I'm all dressed up with no place to go. I sat here and thought and thought, and I realized that I have no one to call and go hang out with. Not one friend, other than the one I had plans with. I considered Tony, but he was already gone so I assumed he was out with his friends, being a Saturday night. I have one local friend, and when plans fall through, I have no one. That's a lot of responsibility for one person, don't you think? More to the point, I have almost no friends I can hang out with.
     
    What I did end up doing was going to The Block to see a movie, but when I got there, the movie I wanted to see had just started and the next showing wasn't for another two hours. Either I'm too impatient or too chicken to go to the movies by myself and instead I ended up at The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory buying a Caramel Apple Pie Apple, and some candy for Rich and the kids. The girl working there said she liked my sweater, I said thanks. I went to Borders and bought three books. Got a burger at Angelo's and came home to drown in my lake.
     
    Tony came home and called me Ms. Emo right before he issued me a pity invite to some party he was going to with his friend. What party? A co-worker of his friend. Basically, I wouldn't know anyone else but Tony and his friend, which might be okay, it's not like I have trouble talking to people or being around strangers. In fact, I'm pretty good at it, but somehow, standing around with a bunch of people I don't know, getting halfway to drunk, and then having to wait around until they were all the way to drunk and then wondering how we'll get home safely didn't seem appealing either, so I declined... good thing too, since he didn't get home from said party till 11 a.m. the next morning.
     
    One person said to me, "That happens when you have kids."
     
    I think it can happen, but is that the norm? I'm not unhappy by any means... until I'm left to my own devices. I spend so much time being Vivian the mom, Vivian the wife, Vivian the employee and co-worker, Vivian the football/girl scout/colorguard mom that when it's time to just be Vivian, I have no idea who that is. What happens when it's time to be just Vivian and she's so lost or buried that I can't find her anymore? What happens when it's my turn?
     
    How do I find her and hang on to her so that when that time comes, I'm not getting tossed off a pier by a guy named Fat Sal in my new designer cement shoes?
     
    Treading water with my floaties on...
    Almost Vivian
  23. viv

    Take My Hand...

    By viv,

    I think that I'm ready for this week to be over. That okay with everyone?
     
    A run down, if you will...
     
    Panic At the Disco lost two members this week. Ryan (guitar) and Jon (bass) and they are off to try and pursue their own creative goals or something like that. Good for them, I guess, but it's really sad to me for a lot of reasons. Anyway, Brendon and Spencer, the remaining members appear to be working their asses off while dealing with all this before going on tour in a couple weeks with Blink 182 and I'm really glad that they are doing so much to make us feel like everything is going to be alright.
     
    So, Rich and I decided that for our birthdays/Mother and Father's Day/our anniversary, we were going to get each other the new iPhones. Except everywhere in California south of San Francisco was sold out... except Santa Monica. So I went... alone. HOLY CRAP! I had to take 6... SIX freeways, and I'm doing great until I am supposed to turn left on Arizona and there is a police blockade and now I'm in an alley and oh God, but then there is a guy with a map at the end so after evaluating his craziness factor I roll down the window and ask him where I can park and he tells me how to get to the parking structure. I drive six levels up and manage to find someone leaving and steal her spot. Take the elevator down six levels, walk through an alley, jay walk across a street, walk down another alley, past the police blockade, through the Farmer's Market, and find myself in the midst of the papparazzi attacking poor Alyson Hannigan from American Pie who is out with her baby and UGH! I find the 'you are here' map and find the Apple store and walk there.
     
    Then I have to go in, find someone to help me and get two phones and pay for two phones... MAN! I told Rich to text me the directions to get home, cause they aren't always just the reverse of how you came when you're in LA, but when they turned our new phones on, it makes the old ones inactive and then I have to wait while ATT catches up with Apple so now I have no phone and no directions, but that only matters if I can actually find my car again.
     
    I get the phones, and leave the Apple store, back to the 'you are here' map, past the Farmer's Market and the police blockade, down the alley, jaywalk across the street, down another alley to the parking structure, get in the elevator, go up six levels, find my car, holy f**king shit, thank God, and then I have to find my own way home cause I have no directions and no phone... I did... six freeways later.
     
    Anyway, that was my iPhone adventure.
     
    I have a ton of things to do before I go to work today, so I better run...
     
    Hugs,
    Viv
  24. viv
    Answers here I come...
     
    So for the past few weeks I've been feeling different/not great after I eat and since diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc. all runs in my family, I decided I better go to the doctore for the first time in... since Matty was born. I told her my symptoms, I said family history, and she sent me directly to the lab for a whole bunch of tests and said to make an appointment for the following week to have a physical and discuss the results.
     
    That was today. Apprently I'm fine, everything is in normal range, except my triglycerides are slightly high, but losing some weight and exercising should help me avoid my genetic predisposition. I asked her why, if nothing is wrong with me, do I get this headache, lightheaded, not feeling so great feeling after I eat anything sugary or sweet? She said, "There is no medical explanation for that." I'm not sure if that translates to 'It's all in your head' or 'Trust your instincts/cravings/what your body is telling you'.
     
    Anyway, it is some of a relief to know that I'm not ridiculously unhealthy or anything like that. That said, anyone know an easy way to lose like... a whole person? I'm pretty sure I have a spare 100 pounds here if anyone needs it. UGH! (No I'm not exaggerating) I think I'll think skinny, healthy thoughts.
     
    HOLY ARRRGH!!!! My speakers on my laptop are cutting in and out and it's SO pissing me off! But taking it in to have it fixed is like... SO f**kING PAINFUL!!!!
     
    I was up till 3:30 am last night/this morning having a discussion/debate with Tony's friend who is visiting from out of state. It started with Prop 8 and should same-sex couples have the right to be married? From there we went on to should same-sex couples have the right to 'raise' kids. In his defense, he's a good guy who was raised in a good family who I love. He is somewhat religious and when I asked him if he actually knows anyone who is gay, he said no, so I think him not being at all exposed to the situation and the realities same-sex couples and gay people face daily is sort of a hinderance.
     
    He said, initially, that 'marriage' as far as he knew, was a religious term, and so if you follow religion, then no, same-sex couples shouldn't get married, but they do deserve all the rights and perks. So we went the separation of church and state route, followed by the we're not religious, so does that mean we shouldn't be married either route. Once religion is off the table as an excuse, there's not much to hide behind really.
     
    So then he said he thinks, in general, that people who can't 'have kids' shouldn't be able to 'raise' them. So we went the infertal couples/single person who wants to be a parent route. He said he thinks "that if a child is raised by same-sex parents then they will grow up to think it is okay to be gay..." Tony and I said, "It is!" and he agreed. Then I pointed out that straight couples don't always raise straight children and then we got into instinct and attraction on a fundamental level. Are you born gay or do you become gay due to exposure? Anyway, in the end, I think he learned a lot and likely has a new outlook on a lot of those topics.
     
    Amazing what a little gay exposure can do for a person, eh?
     
    Hugs,
    Viv
  25. viv
    Twice something like this has happened, and I'm really starting to wonder when recycling started to require this much organization by the masses. The first time I went with Rich and the kids, and we probably had about seven trash bags full of cans and bottles and there was some crazy line of people waiting to use the self-service machines. Additionally, there is a guy working there who will weigh large amounts of stuff that you separate into big trash cans. Well the first time, we used the machine because that's what was available when it became our turn, but that wasn't without some instruction and aid from fellow recyclers who seem to have felt the need to add their input. This time, Annemarie and I went with thirteen trash bags and this is what went down...
     
    I park the car and get out and get seven of the thirteen bags and walk over to the back of the short line of people waiting, followed by Annemarie with three more bags. Annemarie heads back to the car to get the last three bags, and this man... jeans, t-shirt, open flannel shirt over that with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow, beer gut, trucker baseball cap... this man who's been sizing me up since I walked over asks me how I'm doing today? I reply that I'm fine, thanks, and normally, I would ask about him in return, but intuition tells me not to provoke conversation with this man. He takes a dramatic two steps backward from where he's watching me and then walks over and says, "Are you gonna be using the machine, or are you gonna weigh?"
     
    "I think I'm going to weigh," I say, arched eyebrow and all.
     
    "Okay, then you'll be behind her," he regulates as he points to the other woman already separating her items into the big trash cans to be weighed.
     
    Okay, I think... thanks for that clarification. Annemarie gets back with the other three bags. So I start to move all of our bags over closer to where we will ultimately be separating them into bins, and this guy comes over to help us and Annemarie is looking at me like what the hell is this creepy dude's deal?! I say, "Thanks, that was nice of you."
     
    We're now on the other side of a small planter waiting our turn and when the woman in front of us finishes, Annemarie and I both grab a bag and step over and begin to separate cans and bottles and then this man comes over and moves all the rest of the bags over to the other side of this planter. Then, as we get the bins filled and need to move them over so the guy can weigh them, he shoves over empty bins.
     
    I don't know... he was helpful-ish and I said thank you, but really? Like we couldn't have figured out our place in line all on our own? Whatever, $29.94 and a cut on my finger later, I was drinking Strawberry Surfrider and watching a grown man randomly skipping across the crosswalk and down Orangethorpe Ave.
     
     
    Also, I'm semi-irate that The Principal's Award that Matty got has a major grammar faux-pas on it. Is that wrong? I'm sure the principal, who is a PhD. has a secretary type these things up... but still, it pisses me off when it says ... is being presented the Principal's Award for taking on the 'witches' role in one day and giving an amazing performance.
     
    Really? Sigh... Also, am I really editing the awards my kids bring home from school? I did it with Annemarie's yearbook, too.
     
    All attempts made to rescue me from my 2-11 pm shift at work will be appreciated and rewarded.
     
    Hugs,
    Viv
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