ashessnow

I had a shrink. A few actually. From when I was 12 to about 16. It didn't do much for me. Tried some different medication, but it just made me hazy, which wasn't helpful. Plus, I found the whole process to be shallow and manipulative. It just wasnt for me.

Yes! Its brilliant. It is actually what I was going to say. Its amazing! Far more realistic and truthful than most. Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkC7xHAfxm4

Stop smoking. Try sushi. Write more. Not be slutty. Not be a drunken mess. A few of these ive already accomplished. A few...not so much. Ive never been a resolutions kind of a guy, but Ive been thinking about these things for a while.

Bottom. Umm...yeah. I tried topping once. It didnt work out.

Hahaha. Thats the kind of nuanced and sensitive commentary I have come to expect. Thanks!

I stayed away from this topic since I started it, I partly wanted to give others a chance to talk, but mostly I have a hard time talking about something I've had to deal with for so long. I used to take medication for it but all anti-depressants have the annoying affect of making me feel...fuzzy, if that's the right word. I voluntarily committed myself a couple of years ago when I found that I was slowly being less able to function and having some pretty serious problems. I had dropped out of school for a while, but Ive been able to go back this semester. Still depressed, but it is not as bad as it was. I always write more when depressed. Which is helpful.

I wrote an entry for a blog about depression and the comments that I got back were facinating to me. The thrust of it was that it is a depressed person's fault that they are depressed. That everyone has problems, that it is self-pitying and such. So I was wondering...what do you think? Is depression a form of self-pity? Serious mental illness? Is it the depressed person's fault or not? How does one get out of it? Also, considering how LGBT youth are 4x more likely to kill themselves than their straight contemporaries, does depression have a larger place in LGBT culture? Thoughts?

It really just sucks the life out of you. To be completely honest, Ive been finding it harder and harder to care about things - and this entry will be a bit scattered and Im sorry for that, but I just had to get my thoughts down. I was pretty close to voluntarily committing myself because of all the issues in my head, but I got over it. But now its back. Ya know that saying, time heals all wounds, or whatever? Well thats bullshit with depression. It doesnt get easier to deal with, it just gets harder. Because all I have is time. Im reminded of Satre, or at least I think it was Sarte, (maybe Camus?) who talked about suicide. He said that there was value in it. Or rather, there was nothing that made it inherently wrong, thus it is not wrong. But we consciously reject it everyday because of our natural curiosity with the world. My issue is that I'm losing my curiosity. i am becoming indifferent. I dont think thats a good thing, so maybe I should find some meds or something. Ignore everything Ive said thus far, Im a bit drunk. I just...its just that life sucks. And dont worry about me - seriously - Im fine. It was just a really crappy day. The anniversary of when I was raped. So yeah - never a good day today. Not very many people know that actually. Well, only one, to be exact. And thats not where the depression comes from, trust me. I was...hahaha...born this way. Depression is something Ive wrestled with long before then, Soon enough I will come out of it though. Thats just how it goes. Ive been chain-smoking again. Not good since I was really close to quitting. And if youre really concerned about me I told my best friend/roommate that he needs to get me to talk to him. Hes at his girlfriends place so that will be my tomorrow. Im not one to ever talk about myself so he knows its important. Just another day. I need to start writing again. (Shameless plug for my story https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ashessnow/theharlequin ) Did this help...I dont know. Maybe. But now its 5:46 am and I should get some sleep. Night.

The Distillers - Beat Your Heart Out

I have now had this in my head...ALL DAY. Love it though!

Mine is just a beautiful combination, don't ya think?

Gummo. Gummo creeped me the f**k out.

Spatula. Its just an ugly word.

Dockweiler beach is known for the bonfire thing. Everyone I know always goes there for bonfires.

Yay! Now go read it. Here.

The Harlequin Chapter 1 accept your place I floated on waves of pain and exhaustion. I didn’t know how long I had been here. A few hours? A few days? It didn't matter. Blood trickled down my chest. Which would I die from first, blood loss or thirst? The thought made me smile. You always knew it would end this way. At least it's honorable. A Proud Death as Thorn would say. But he was dead. Like Mother Blessing and all the rest. It took all my training to stay conscious, but

A war is being fought. The world is falling apart. But there may be a few that could change everything.

Wax play! Mmmm. Nice. And I love cuffs too. I have a nice pair of that I wear everyday. Simple. Discrete. Made of leather. I love 'em.

Its been a while. Hi people! Um...some new things that's happened... I got new tattoos and piercings. School is going well. Got new roommates. And a boyfriend. Still a ProSub. (If you're wondering, see my last entry). Found an old story that I started, so now I'm editing it and looking for editors/readers. Um...that's pretty much it. Oh...hahaha. Uh...new meds. I was hospitalized for a while. 2 weeks. Fun! But that was months ago. I'm okay again. There's a few other things but the moderators dont like me discussing my other...extracurricular activities so I wont. At least not publicly. So that's it for now. Until next time. Oh, and if you want to help me out, with being a beta reader/editor, then let me know. I would really appreciate it. Love!

Oh no babe. You want my job.

I'm definitely a control freak as well, which is why its so fun giving up that power, see? Haha, but I understand what you mean. To play for the very first time took months to be ready with this guy and even after we worked out the details, I still had someone there to make sure I was ok. I love floggers. Thuddy, not stingy. And I now wear small leather cuffs full-time. Its great, cause if you know what they mean, then you know. But if you are vanilla and don't, you just think it looks cool. Best thing Ive ever played with - fire. OMG. Fire-play is INTENSE. Its on the edge, but incredible.

Its on the right side. Like, if you wear a regular t-shirt, it comes right above the collar. I LOVE it. I go to BDSM clubs but I don't work out of them. Just go to have fun/show off/meet potential clients. And its all part of the same thing. (BD=Bondage/Discipline DS=Dominance/Submission SM=Sadomasochism) But they all get blurry depending on what you're into.

So I'm a sex worker. Yeah. "Schedule" is a funny looking word. I think its the "sch" and the "du". It looks German. Or Yiddish....Sorry... I have a job now. I'm an intern in the legal department of a medical research company. I got another tattoo. It's on my neck. It says "Howl." I love it. Got it on Halloween afternoon. My weird mind wanders...sorry. And catchy title, no? Back to the point! I have no problem talking about my many sexual exploits but I have yet to really speak on my emergence onto the BDSM scene. The scene is difficult to describe if you've never seen it. But as soon as I saw real playing, not that shit I have seen in...those movies, or really in any form of popular media, I knew it was where I belonged. I am a ProSub. If you know nothing, it would be best to explain it like this: a Dominatrix is a Professional female Dominant (aka ProDom) Both men and women could be ProDoms. And the opposite would be a Professional Submissive. (ProSub) So men hire me for a few hours to dominate me. Sexy, no? Why? Cause I'm good at it. Cause I like sex, and I like money. And I'm really good at it. And cause I really, really like it. Is it Prostitution? Not....really. Well...maybe. A bit. A standard example: If I was paid for a 3 hour session then we would play really hard, and not have sex. If sex occurs during the time paid for, then yes, that's prostitution. But if sex happened after the time paid, that's totally fine. Two people having sex happens all the time. Get it? How much? Depends. After a discussion of hard limits (things I or he will absolutely not do. Watersports for example, is a hard limit for me. Pee is not fun.) and if the session is fairly standard, its xxx$. DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to get "clients." Just explaining how it all works. Any questions?

I'm totally out. To family, friends, work, and school, the whole thing. But I'm pretty...obvious. But I don't care. Do I get shit for it? Yeah...until they realize that I may be a fag, but I won't hesitate to beat some ass.