ashessnow

I started reading the book few months ago. I think like, the next day I had heard there was a show coming out. Weird how that happens. But I will try to catch the show online.

I have several actually. But for now I'll just go with my two absolute favorites. Howl by Ginsberg, and The Hollow Men by Eliot. The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot. Mistah Kurtz -- he dead. A penny for the Old Guy I We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men. II Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind's singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star. Let me be no nearer In death's dream kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer -- Not that final meeting In the twilight kingdom III This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man's hand Under the twinkle of a fading star. Is it like this In death's other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone. IV The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms In this last of meeting places We grope together And avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death's twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men. V Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o'clock in the morning. Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For Thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. And my other favorite, which is WAY too long to post the entirety of it here, but I will post the beginning: HOWL For Carl Solomon I I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machin- ery of night, read the rest here

Beverly Hills High was pretty snobby.

^Personally, I like Rostropovich's playing better. I will say Im surprised by the music choices, some people actually have good taste. Favorite musician? Can't say. But just a few would be... Pixies, Morcheeba, Masive Attack, Nina Simone, TV On The Radio, Gogol Bordello, The Thermals...and either The Misfits/The Cramps for some punk. But I could add sooo much more.

Babe, you really shouldnt just dismiss everything from the past 20 years. Some great stuff has emerged. But stick with Weezer's old stuff. Their latest stuff is trash.

Ugh. I have started this entry at least 21 times since my last entry. But I really dont know what to update you on. Dunno if a lot has changed since then. f**king depressing now that I think about it... Reread a series called The Doctrine of Labyrinths by Sarah Monette. It's completely queer and fantastic. Her writing is so immersive (is that a word?). And the characters are as complex as...something really complex. But I mean, truly. These are some f**ked up people. It is fantasy, and for a person like me who HATES fantasy, it was amazing. The first book in the 4 book series is M

Son trumps nephew. Simple.

My favorite song in the world: Philip Glass. Metamorphosis 1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il4VDf-ugPI

The complaint: http://www.scribd.com/doc/30256295/Clay-Greene-Complaint

Hal Duncan is a Scottish SciFi writer whose first book, Vellum, is about war between heaven and hell. To be completely honest, the book is unlike anything Ive ever read. Its a difficult, maddening, arrogant piece of writing, but it works fabulously well. Hal is also unabashedly queer and when he gets the following email: From: barry [mailto:atruejew@******.com] Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2008 7:03 AM Subject: sodomite True or False.... 2 males placing their penis up each others rear ends, know that their penis is covered in dung. Then place their penis in each others mouths with their dunged penis to ejaculate..! Proves the 2 males prefer the smell and taste of dung..!! THE....Sodomite Hal Duncan is a DEFINITE dung lover..!! p.s. please post this, so thers may comment ((((( shanks-lot ))))) ...he responds. Now the response is a bit long so go to the following link to see it in its entirety. It is wonderful though. And the book is called Vellum: Book of All Hours: http://notesfromtheg...hal-duncan.html

Yeah, I remember this. I just cant remember what any of it was about. I dont think I ever understood exactly what was going on, but I do remember liking the show.

I...honestly dont care. At all.

God, I have been listening to TONS of new music lately. And I have been making a list for the past month or so of all the new music I need to buy, so here it goes: And I put what type of music they are if youre interested: The Dear Hunter - Indie experimental/progressive rock The Triggers - Spanish Ska/Punk The Thermals - Indie Pop/Punk White Denim - Garage Rock/Acid Blues Slang Chickens - Alt Folk Punk (What Im listening to as I make this list) No Age - Experimental/powerpop/punk Pity Party- Alternative/Experimental/Rock Neutral Milk Hotel - Psych folk/Indie rock PJ Harvey - Alternative/Indie/Powerpop The Cramps - Punk The Hush Sound - Indie Rock/Pop The Dirty Projectors - A'cappella/Experimental/Indie Fever Ray - Black Metal/Folk/Electroacoustic The Presets - Industrial/Psychedelic/Techno Also: Matt and Kim, The Noisettes, Pixies, Secret Machines, TV On The Radio, Peter Bjorn and John, Passion Pit, Cage the Elephant, Phantom Planet, Phoenix, Cage --Guess I went a bit overboard.

Muse. Love it.

Foundations Thursday night, everything's fine Except you've got that look in your eye When I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring You're thinking of something to say You'll go along with it, then drop it And humiliate me in front of our friends Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' And say something like: "Yeah, intelligent input, darlin' Why don't you just have another beer, then?" Then you'll call me a bitch And everyone we're with will be embarrassed And I won't give a shit My fingertips are holding onto The cracks in our foundation And I know that I should let go, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't You said I must eat so many lemons 'cause I am so bitter I said: "I'd rather be with your friends, mate 'Cause they are much fitter," Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive And I must admit that I was a bit scared But it gives me thrills to wind you up My fingertips are holding onto The cracks in our foundation And I know that I should let go, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted What a surprise Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick You've gone and got sick on my trainers I only got these yesterday Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this Well, I'll leave you there till the mornin' And I purposely won't turn the heating on And dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one My fingertips are holding onto The cracks in our foundation And I know that I should let go, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't My fingertips are holding onto The cracks in our foundation And I know that I should let go, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't And every time we fight, I know it's not right Every time that you're upset and I smile I know I should forget, but I can't -Kate Nash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9Xl9rdCPbE Just to let you all know: Yes, Im still alive. But everything seems to be getting a little bit worse.

So J is in a mental hospital and has been for a week or so. But its not my problem cause he isnt my friend. A while ago he went behind my back and talked shit about me to a mutual friend, who I was, at the time, messing around with. That person then told me and I confronted Jon about it. He said that everything he told Shawn (the guy I was f**king) was the truth, that I really was insane and untrustworthy and evil, and that he wouldnt ever mess around with anyone like me. Lets ignore the fact that Jons tried to make me sleep with him and when I said no, he says things like, "Doing this will keep me alive for the night." He says tells his psychiatrist that Im the reason that hes in the hospital and wonders why I dont visit. And lets forget that he WANTED to be put in there in the first place because hes so weak he cant deal with the average stuff everyone deals with everyday. He asked to do this, like it was a f**king vacation. Im getting death threats from his family which is really nice cause they blame me for his pitiful attempt at suicide, if it could even be called that. This shit is just annoying. Listening to: Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks Ive decided to move to New York City in a few months. Formed a band. Well they were looking for a singer, and then we jammed together and they found that I can write songs, pretty much on the spot if need be, and they were like, youre in. I havent had sex in like 2 weeks. Im practically a virgin. Im not liking this at all and its going to change. Ive been really down for the past few weeks and Im not sure why. Working 10-12 hours a day sucks. Listening to: Nirvana - The Man Who Sold the World Ive been writing a lot. About random things too. Big social issues (ie privacy in the 21st century) or musings on quantum mechanics. Meaning string theory. (I love string theory.) Ive decided what my next book will be about. Its a epistolary novel. About love. This will actually by my first story with "love" as a major theme, but its about how love has become too domesticated. That the only way to be in love is to truly embrace it, that we must let go of security and embrace the radical alertness that comes with the fullness of feeling. At least thats the idea. I had a slight outline in my head but that went out the window halfway through the first letter. 4 are done so far. The idea came to me after a BIG fight with John Paul (it got very bad.) But it started out about love in general, but now its kinda about him too which was unexpected. But inevitable I suppose. And John Paul...yeah, I dunno what the hell were doing. Although getting into a fight so big the cops are called on you puts a damper on your relationship, if thats what we had. And I finished my first series, The Harlequin. Im very happy about it, although the ending is the best. It took the longest time, by far, but its really good. Listening to: Mama Cass - Make Your Own Kind of Music My parental unit (the male one) has lung cancer or something. Im still working on getting full details. My feelings toward his probable impending doom? Indifferent. I havent slept for more then 2 hours in the last week or two. Its great. But Im not sure why. Thats it for now. Later.

I like to bottom, giving fellatio is fun and I like older and taller guys. So there ya go.

Old guy? 27? Please... Anyway. As for me, Ive never actually topped before. But Im ok with that. I guess it will happen when it happens. But whatevs.

Well Im pretty "flaming" (I mean if I was any more gay Id have fire shooting out of my ass) so no one really expects anything other then men for me. Meaning that coming out has never been a problem for me.

But first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQF0ZuL8vus A hilarious commercial. Anyway. If you know me, one thing you can count on, is that Ill tell you the truth. People know Ill tell them what I think. And I try to be as honest as possible. Now, one of the things that comes with that is telling the things that have happened to me, not so much for the few who read this thing, but more for my own sanity. So here we go: But first, some background: My parents kicked me out of their house when I was 15. They basically packed up all my shit, put it in some garbage bags and put it on the front stoop. At the time I was become more and more aware of my mood fluctuations. I was partying til 4am, coming home and sleeping for 2 hours and then going to school. (Id like to say in my defense that I was maintaining a 4.0 at the time) They called the cops on me several times to bring me back home, but I never listened. A few days before they found me in bed with some guy, all I really remember of him was that he was older, 19/20 maybe. I knew they would find us so it was kind of my way of coming out to them, though they had already known, this just made it official. When I say they already knew, I mean to say it was something not discussed, why there were no girls in my life, they just chose to ignore it. So when they caught me, they didnt really say anything, but a few days later I was out on the street. A few weeks of couch surfing and trying not to overstay my welcome at random friends houses led me to the house of an acquaintance. He told his parents my story and they let me stay there. It was at this time where I figured out I was bipolar and, well, thats basically it. So now, here we go: Attempt 1 A few weeks after staying with Stephan I came to really understand the severity of my situation. There was no, forgiveness on either side and one day I realized that this was what my life would be like now. Completely on my own, without any family, or really anyone to help me out. I actually remember the exact moment. It was near winter break. I was sitting in class which was nearly over, and the teacher was talking about how we had to get a parental signature for some movie we were going to be watching. I normally would have signed it straight away but for some reason I just kept staring at the paper. The thoughts of never seeing my parents again hit me and I had to leave the class before I started crying. I ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and told myself to stop crying. Which I did. I cleaned myself up and went back to class and on the way there the bell rung signaling that the day was over. I got back to class, gathered my stuff and left as quickly as possible. I ran to Stephans house dropped all my stuff, grabbed a knife, and left. For several hours I wandered around the city, half crying, being all pathetic. Eventually I ended up in a park. It was near 10pm, and I was exhausted. I dont remember much, but I know that I cut both wrists and passed out. I woke up in the hospital. I had found out that I was found, luckily minutes later, by a cop patrolling the park. He came to close the park at 10, found me, called an ambulance. I dont know much, like what exactly Stephan and his parents did to get me out of there, but I was in no mood to ask. End. Attempt 2 I was 17. Things were going pretty well. I was doing well in school, I had a steady boyfriend, and everything was going well. As embarrassing as this is to admit, this attempt does relate to the boy. We were doing okay, but I was beginning to feel lost. And numb. The relationship went downhill. We had been together for a year and a half and we were living together. But it was like something out of a Pinter play. We werent really talking to each other anymore. It was all just games. Looking back, I didnt really understand it at the time, but I now realize it was all a power play. The back and forth, the anger and resentment. Eventually we got into a huge fight. Throwing things and screaming had happened before. But we never actually hit each other. But this time things were different. Something had snapped for both of us. I wont go into the details, but I will say that we both ended up bruised and bloody and exhausted laying on the living room floor. After the fight, I cant really explain why. Maybe it was just to f**k with him. Maybe it was just me not wanting to deal with anything anymore. But i went into the bathroom, locked the door and swallowed whatever I could find. He broke down the door and made me throw up. Then he took me to the hospital and left. I got checked out and stayed with some friends. The next day when he was at school I gathered all my things from his place and left. End. Ok. Well I was going to talk about something that happened a few days ago: a club, a shooting, and a drag race, but I think this is enough for today. Currently listening to: Living Room - Tegan and Sara Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs Here In My Room - Incubus Shout Me Out - TV On The Radio She's a Lady - Santogold Dissolved Girl - Massive Attack Alone In Kyoto - AIR Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers

So back in november I filmed a few scenes for a pilot. I was just a performer, and only in like 2 scenes, but it was fun. So now the pilot of the series, Glee, is finally premiering Tuesday, May 19th after the American Idol finale. From the FOX website: From Ryan Murphy, the creator of "Nip/Tuck" and "Popular," comes GLEE, a one-hour musical comedy that follows an optimistic high school teacher as he tries to transform the Glee Club and inspire a group of ragtag performers to make it to the biggest competition of all: Nationals. Will Schuester, a young optimistic teacher, has offered to take on the Herculean task of restoring McKinley's Glee Club to its former glory. Everyone around him thinks he's nuts. He's out to prove them all wrong. Now glee club is something I was actually involved in in high school, though it was called something different (show choir) and I got to do the pilot because of it. So Ill watch. And cause I performed in it and got major paid. So yeah. Watch it. And Im betting that even though I danced and sung for like, 9 hours filming one f**king scene, I totally wont be seen. But theres a second of my group wearing orange at around the :39-:40 second mark. Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ea2pMx1lYw

Ok. So Im not a Scifi person. For example, Ive never seen an episode of Star Trek. I havent seen all of Star Wars. And I was really not interested in seeing it but some friends dragged me along. And I was very surprised. Its really good. Like, really. And it was funny. Didnt expect that. Favorite people: the doctor and whoever Simon Pegg played. Some scottish guy I think.

An awesome routine to Janet Jackson's Feedback:

While that may be true, many of the thoughts that pop into my head are, um, not appropiate here. So I will just keep them to myself.

I will be keeping all thoughts to myself.