Parker Owens

You offer us a vivid description. I could not pull my eyes away from the text. The reality you give us - I was just me / weird - was a perfect way to play the reflective music of what transpired. And your coda - never asked his name - still echoes.

TP / Wally can't avoid concluding that his desire to control, and his life that was built on that is a barren tree. He sees Javi and Oscar, experienced Marc and Lee; and this reveals a deep chasm inside. I think he recognizes that Javi is off limits, but rational knowledge doesn't always guide the emotional self successfully. Many thanks for your response and review - and for reading the story so far.

Congratulations! Great reading...

This poem doesn't merely speak to me, it haunts me. It's almost chantlike quality means the words and phrases float in and out of my consciousness, and will continue to do so. The title phrase, I tire of me, talks with my voice, calls up my own thoughts. The image of circles; endless, encompassing, circles, delimiting the space for our souls and selves is indeed both despairing and frightening. Yet another mundane, yet powerful image reinforces this: old songs on repeat – like bad, pre-programmed radio, we are doomed to hear it all over again. I nearly wept with the next two stanzas, for the pit in the stomach and the yearning you speak of are mine, too. The last stanza makes me feel as grey as I know I look in the mirror. You write a great heartache, my friend, and if it is any comfort to know at least one other person shares it, then you can do so. Many thanks for sharing this with us.

Wally / TP has been changing ever since Ted raped him, but with this chapter, he seems to face those changes. More than that, he appears to have chosen too accept them, and to look at his past with real regret. He does not want to go back there. Javier and Oscar show him what he might have had, it hurts just as much as it did with Marc and Lee. And now he understands why. At the very least, his fantasy about Javier reveals a mind that might accept a connection in which he is not in control. Thanks very much for your insights and your kindness in continuing to read this story. I very much appreciate both.

Your chapter notes will stand you well in the seminar discussion! The subconscious often acts more swiftly than the thinking brain. Javier is perhaps safer, but the you hit on the important thing - Javier is desirable for more than sex (though Wally would be the first to admit that he is, in fact, horny). Many thanks for your interest and insights into this chapter - P

So Liam turns Alek away a second time, and at an even more difficult juncture. Liam has some difficult days ahead, merely trying to make his way around, let alone sort out his feelings again. But Alek, too, ought to face some soul searching. Wonder if either one will find what he needs? Great setup in this chapter. Now, please tell me the next chapter posts tomorrow....

You've made a very perceptive observation. Wally surely craves a kind of safe haven, someone with whom he can be the real person he is. Marc might have fulfilled that, but only very partially. And certainly, Wally has avoided situations in which he has had to let go of control for any length of time. Many thanks for your thoughts and remarks!

I am consistently delighted with the range and breadth and depth of the music shared here. I am especially indebted to all of you who help me grow musically. Thank you.

This is a big change for TP / Wally. He enjoyed his swim, although his period of reflection dimmed the sun for him. You are quite right that his fantasies could get him into trouble, especially if he doesn't think through what they might really mean. Many thanks for your review and for your thoughts.

He woke late, the sun streaming in through the blinds in his bedroom. Life in the Cabrera-Quintana household seemed relaxed, even though it was the middle of the week. He threw on some shorts and a moderately clean tee and stumbled his way out to the kitchen to find Javier sitting at the table, a tiny, empty coffee cup in front of him. "Morning." "Morning yourself," Javier smiled. The man really did have a lovely smile, when it happened. "Coffee?" he inquired, yawning. At that moment, Oscar

How can I not like this lovely tale? It's a classic! I want to see the illustrations! The evil Toad Warlock and Black Jack - I almost feel for Jack, for ugliness makes us do awful things. You've done this up wonderfully - can't wait for part 2...

Liam and Alek. How I have been waiting to hear about these two. And now that I have, it is in then form of a heartbreaking rupture between them. One cannot blame Liam for his stance; being in a tight closet for someone else for a year would be brutal for anyone. Perhaps Liam just snapped, but this must have been coming for some time. Is the next chapter coming in a few minutes? Please?

I am glad you caught the wistful, drift into sweetness in Daydreams. It surprised me, in that I originally thought it was going somewhere else. Remorse could have had several titles, including the two words you felt most difficult. I was terribly aware of time passing, of having wasted days on stupid stuff, when I could have been doing something more worthwhile, more real. Thanks for your encouragement and insights... - P

A wonderful chapter, and an informative one. We actually get to see how Kellar's healing seems to work, and how the concentration of mind and power makes his so effective. That, and the support of Tobyn seems essential. Thank you for letting us see them in action. It seems perhaps that the tumor in Logan's brain is a bit of a metaphor for the destructive isolation that the shifters have been undergoing. Even as Kellar cures Logan, there is a question of lasting damage hanging in his mind; even as the shifters emerge from their malaise, the same question occurs to me. Many thanks for this chapter! Now I want another!

It is hard to bear reading it; it was difficult to write. I trembled as I did so. But as I said in a previous reply, if this chapter helps us all to stand up for those who are abused and beaten, then it was worth the heartache to write and to read.

It was incredibly hard to write, too. Yet, I know this happens to some kids, some place, every day. If it helps us to stand up for them, then maybe it was worth the pain to read and write.

I am happy you enjoyed this one, too. They will have their tradition ingrained in the neighborhood, surely. And don't worry, I have not forgotten Christmas...

They did indeed find love. Tomas is completely surrendered to it, and Fletcher has somehow found a way to get past all the terrible guilt and hurt. I hurt for Tomas, but I have confidence in Fletcher, too. And they are very lovely together. I am glad you enjoyed this chapter!

Wally is undergoing real, sustained changes in his life. You see very keenly how his eyes are opening, how he is beginning to recognize what is true and what is false in his existence to this point. His outsider's viewpoint isn't easy to inhabit now; he can't be the cool predator anymore. But who can he be? I am glad you liked this chapter and I appreciate your excellent insights. Many thanks! Parker

There are hints here and there of who Wally might have been. He doesn't tell us too much about his past. He certainly seems to have discovered something deeply compelling in both Marc and Lee and now with Javier and Oscar. Perhaps it is affection he craves, or perhaps connection, or maybe it's just a chance to be someone more human. But his past has certainly made that a harder task. Many thanks for your kind and insightful response.

You make some very thoughtful comments here. If more of Wally emerges from the travesty he made of his university life, it will be a result of examples like Lee and Javier and Oscar and Marc. His emotional scars from his own abuse are there, and I think he knows more and more the pain he inflicted on others. For now, he cannot see beyond his return to the Feigenbaum. What happens after that is well past his ability to consider. That may not be all bad; living in the moment, and living for something other than himself, may be healing. Many thanks for your thoughts and comments, and for reading thus far in the story.

TP / Wally now observes another wonderful couple. Oscar and Javier love one another, and also care for others in a way Lee and Marc were not yet able to do. Even as people change, people retain who they were - they are at least the sum of their parts. Wally must bear the burden of who he became, even as he has changed. You are very good to pick up on traces of a distant self, the sense and innocence that might have existed long ago, along with the remnants of a more recent life. Thank you for your very perceptive comments, and for your patience as you read this story.

Wally is slowly remembering how not to live in rage, or fear or for himself. Seeing real functioning couples, gay men who love and are loved, is having an effect. What is Wally really like? That may take a long time to develop, if ever.

You devil. But I agree that this chapter shifts the focus so that Wally becomes prey, pure and simple. This happened on board the Feigenbaum with the sicko scientist, but Javier ended that. Now, there is nothing Cabrera can do, and he will be looking over his shoulder every moment until he can get back aboard ship. The damn video will probably haunt him for a long time, until he can find a way to change, or the spotlight moves on to someone else.