Danners

Yes, things between Chase and Hank are forever changed and it’s up to each of them to decide if it’s for better or for worse. I’d say for better, myself. Despite his heartache that Hank tripped and fell cock-first into Cave-In, he confirmed a most valuable truth he’d only recently uncovered: Hank is only human. Hank is flawed too and he is capable of making mistakes even when he has the best intentions (like following Christine’s wishes). He’s also learning to hold himself accountable and can offer compromise instead of stubbornly burying his head in the sand. Hank proved that by acknowledging Chase might’ve been right about his mom. This time Hank needs Chase’s forgiveness and Chase is the one feeling betrayed. Hank is likewise learning how damaged Chase was after Christine’s death and how long lasting the effects were. More importantly, Hank has been made aware just how blind he was to Chase’s devastation. MOST importantly, Chase is proving how much stronger he is now than when they were together, that he can and will stand up for himself and is capable of handling his own problems, of staying strong. He truly isn’t that guy anymore — he’s so much more. Moreover, while he doesn’t need Hank anymore, Chase never stopped wanting Hank. Instead of bemoaning how he doesn’t want Chase, it’s time for Hank to confess how much he needs him in his life. Charles shouldn’t see his efforts as a failure. He may not have succeeded in the way he expected but succeed he did. He armed the boys with facts they didn’t have before and allowed them to touch in subjects they wouldn’t have otherwise. He gave them the strength to admit each was wrong for reacting a certain way and even got them to share small moments of tenderness. I don’t think Christine could’ve asked for more. She’d be proud of him. It was a great chapter to fall asleep thinking about. Dawson’s spin-off could make it better though. Oh, and if you posted that on Thursdays while keeping to Endings on Mondays, that’s almost like posting the same story twice a week without actually doing so. Loophole!

Your shoulder, you mean . . .

So, after everything Gary did to paint a portrait of Cave-In as damaged (and bitter), I think it’s true to some extent. Subconsciously, Cave-In set his sights on Hank because he embodied everything he had and lost with John. Hank was the strong one, remember, upon whom Chase and others could count on for support and who supported Cave-In after John cheated. To prove to himself he wasn’t weak — moreover, that he wasn’t the reason John strayed — Cave-In needed Hank to lean on him, to need him, and in Hank’s vulnerable state, that was easily accomplished by encouraging him to isolate himself. Likewise, his delusional sense of justice demanded Chase be punished for his indiscretion. When Hank revealed it was a kiss (and only a kiss) after Hank proposed, Cave-In decided both consciously and subconsciously to double down — steal Hank away and rub Chase’s nose in it by pushing Hank to sleep with him, thus making Hank’s presumed revenge that much more painful. Lastly, because Chase and Hank had a relationship everyone was envious of and because their love for one another was undeniable, the gnarled and twisted jealousy inside Cave-In wanted to prove them and everyone else wrong. He needed to ensure Hank and Chase couldn’t overcome this mistake and continue together, stronger than ever. Gary kept reiterating that Hank sleeping with Cave-In was the nail in the coffin of their relationship and that’s exactly how Cave-In saw it. An ongoing relationship with Hank, however, would provide a constant reminder, just like Cave-In’s constant influence would ensure the former couple never, ever became friends, let alone think about reconciliation. What has him angry is equal parts Hank’s hesitation to take their relationship to the next level and his newfound willingness to communicate with Chase and Charles. I’m sure he sees Hank meeting with Charles as an inroad to forgiving Chase and ruining his designs on Hank. Beyond that, in a twisted way, Hank became John and now John is waffling, which means it’s only a matter of time before Cave-In loses him again. Cave-In is all sorts of fucked up and it only makes me despise him more. To someone like me who is painfully self-aware, being so blind to the results of your actions and being so selfish and callous to do what Cave-In did is inexcusable. We could find out later he was off his meds or brainwashed by a nefarious doctor running a social experiment, and I’d still hate his guts.

So many things to say. Definitely need to collect my thoughts and read this chapter again before going further, but the one thing I’ll say for now is: so much of Hank’s behavior makes more sense now, especially his reaction to seeing Chase with Dawson. Hank slept with Cave-In to forget about Chase but discovered over time that he wasn’t able to. A part of him did it to hurt Chase but he also was punishing himself for everything that went wrong with the proposal. Had he not gone along with Christine’s wishes and proposed earlier, maybe Chase wouldn’t have reacted so poorly and ended up kissing another guy. (We know it was a bad idea and that more was at stake, but Hank didn’t.) On top of it all, he started feeling guilty. No matter how badly he treated Chase, Chase kept trying. Despite trying to convince himself otherwise, he still felt something for Chase — something other than anger and betrayal and something more than he felt for Cave-In. That came to a head when he saw Chase with Dawson and assumed his ex-boyfriend had no trouble moving on. Hank got so incredibly angry because he’d beaten himself up over his relationship with Cave-In and started doubting himself, but also because he got jealous. So, once again feeling wronged, Hank redoubled his efforts with Cave-In until, once again, things came to a head just prior to their trip to the cabin. Chase made a very compelling case and suddenly all of Hank’s doubts came crashing down again. Up until that point, I don’t think Hank considered he’d been the one to throw away their relationship. He’d convinced himself of that. However, with that called into question, so too were Hank’s other decisions. Had he given up? Is this where they stood? Is this what he wanted, who he wanted? The subdued Hank mentioned in last chapter and the curiously warm Hank we met at the condo today, they speak of someone who’s done a lot of thinking. That Cave-In is angry with Hank gives me the impression he pushed for a decision Hank want ready to make and didn’t get the answer he wanted. Had Chase’s anger not gotten the better of him over dinner, their conversation could’ve been constructive instead of dissolving into the now familiar — and almost comfortable — rehashing of past slights. It’s almost like they’d settle for being enemies because it’s safer emotionally than trying for friendship or reconciliation. If Hank doesn’t follow Chase downstairs, I hope he has the guts to stick around until Chase returns. They have a lot they need to talk about and putting it off isn’t doing them any favors. Oh, and fuck Kevin Cave-In. Fuck him with a rusty chainsaw. I joked about disliking him before but I loathe him and what he helped happen after this chapter. Having been cheated on, he knew how vulnerable Hank was and he took advantage of that. The silver lining is Hank has begun to recognize what a bad idea it was and just how much it may have cost him. Charles’ heart was in the right place. The story about the diamonds was beautiful and poignant and despite appearances, I think it had the desired impact. Again, not in the realm of immediate change but it planted the seeds — recognition that a kiss is only as big a mistake as you make out to be and the understanding that, while a mistake shouldn’t be forgotten, it doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship. Since Hank rebuffed Chase’s attempts at reaching out in the past and tonight it seemed like Chase reflexively flinched when Hank made his own clumsy attempt, I hope they can accept one of Charles’ hands each and allow him to bridge the gulf between them. Whether or not they get back together, becoming friends again is a step in the right direction and something Charles can help them with. (And once they get to know the “new” Hank and Chase, maybe they’ll find the old spark is still there.) And Dawson. He’s kind of damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. He needs closure if he’s going to pursue a relationship with Carter, but closure comes with the pain of knowing Brent moved on and is happily married. If he doesn’t call Brent, Carter will forever be associated with guilt and they can’t be together. Of course, what happens if Brent is married but unhappy or recently divorced? (Brent and Dawson deserve a novel of their own, Gary. Think of all the heartstring you could pluck!) Oooookay, it’s late and I’m riding high on cold meds. More tomorrow. Er, today.

Another lovely chapter, Drew. As first gay films go, Brokeback Mountain wasn’t a bad choice. A heavy film to be sure but one that lends itself to conversation over coffee afterwards. I don’t quite remember my first gay film but Get Real rings a bell. It’s My Party does as well but for entirely different reasons. (Unless you consider ugly crying a spectator sport, only watch it in private.) Simon’s take on the film didn’t surprise me. He's got a fairly straightforward way of looking at things and sometimes glosses over the subtler details. It’s understandable he’d focus on the oppressive mood of the film over the underlying love story. Love, Simon may have been more his speed. He and Jeff could see that together — you know, on their first date. I kept hoping Simon would turn his hand over and lace his fingers with Jeff’s. They’re already so cute together. If you ask me, it’s time to draw up the anchor, unfurl those sails, and send this ship off toward the horizon and its happy ending.

Jin-Ha is a delight. Theirs would be an interesting pairing if Kiorl were to allow himself a partner who didn’t punish him in some form or fashion. The kitsune’s polite resolve might help offset the panther’s natural pessimism and, oh, the sex! I bet it would give new meaning to “unrestrained,” and it could so passionate it’s beautiful.

Pence in the White House is a gay bomb, wouldn’t you say? 😉 Besides, I’d rather believe many of us, as adults, managed to retain the playfulness of our childhoods and are thus able to more freely and affectionately express our comradely. If more men felt like Wayne’s friends, or Aaron and Brian, there’d be a lot more laughter in our lives.

Because Wayne is purrrrrfect. Duh.

Sure, blame it on the pot. Meanwhile many of my former coworkers behaved similarly and, having worked at a medical clinic, they were stone-cold sober. They did drink a lot of coffee though. Maybe too much caffeine in a heterosexual male’s system tilts them further down the Kinsey scale. Or they’re comfortable fooling around with each other because they know nothing will come of it. Or they’re just frisky and can’t resist playing grab ass. Whatever their motivation, it’s kind of refreshing. Entertaining too. To me at least. The fewer uptight men in this world, the better!

On the other hand, Grant may find allies in the group. While they may not agree with his decisions regarding the journal, each of them has recognized how much Troy means to Grant. They’ve seen it for themselves. Brian was satisfied that Grant, when asked and without hesitation, confirmed he loves Troy. We can safely assume he won’t keep that a secret from Natalie, who also knows that Grant makes their friend incredibly happy. Georgette watched Grant put Troy’s needs before his own and saw how devoted they were to each other. She won’t hesitate to share her observation with her husband and Aaron, I’m sure, will agree the boys are good together. There’s also her pregnancy, the hormones that come with it, and the maternal instincts it instills or strengthens. Grant sort of completes their little circle and I want to believe they’ll go to bat for him if Troy reacts badly when the truth about his journal comes to light. They want Troy to be happy and Grant makes him happy. I’m almost 100% certain Wayne will punish me for my optimism but whatever. It’ll be worth it in the end.

Fine, you got me. I like Georgette. Damn it. I think it’s because of her self-awareness; how conscious she is of the disconnect between her mind and her mouth. She’s genuine and that translates, even when what she says doesn’t quite match the thought behind it. Aaron and Georgette’s situation struck a chord in me. A friend and her husband tried for the longest time to get pregnant without success. It took time and one devastating miscarriage but now they’re the proud parents of two beautiful little girls. Jen was born to be a mom and it shows. That’s how I know Aaron and Georgette will be super parents: that child means the world to them. (Hell, my own parents tried for years until a trip to Vegas did the trick.) Thank you for sharing their joy with us, Wayne. Better yet, thank you for the Brian and Aaron fan service. Not having read the original text, I’d like to think you threw in some extra shenanigans after seeing how much we adore their bromance. Next stop: a brojob? Speaking of Brian — dude, I like the guy more and more with every chapter. That he believes in Grant enough to take him at his word is amazing. Maybe that will lend Grant the courage to confide in him about the journal and together they can figure out the best way to return it to Troy. And the sex — woof! But beyond that, the intimacy between Grant and Troy continues to grow and it’s absolutely heartwarming. The dinner and the massage really cemented their relationship for me. Grant’s cooking, I feel, is almost like a metaphor for his devotion to Troy. He’s trying new things and growing as a person, not only for Troy but for himself as well. The more he trusts himself, the more comfortable he becomes and the more comfortable he becomes, the more he succeeds. Troy’s influence — actually, is love, it brings out the best in him. With the massage, Troy demonstrated how much he trusts Grant. His willingness to be vulnerable. He needed Grant and by accepting that, by accepting Grant’s help, it reinforced that his lover wants nothing more than to comfort him. John’s approval — in this case, perhaps the form his subconsciousness took — speaks of Troy’s readiness to move forward and to let go of any guilt he felt about loving someone other than John. Troy’s in it for the long haul and that, after feeling lost and alone for so long, is no small miracle. This chapter was so much fun — truly a pleasure to read.

Yeah, it was all about Michelle Williams for me. Jen was amazing. As for the boys, how could you overlook Kerr Smith? Woof.

I don’t know. If I was chaste, I’d rather have a hanky on hand. Or in hand. Let Carter paddle up Dawson’s Creek and leave Chaste free to rediscover the delights of Hanky Panky.

That’s better. I was getting ready to compare Cave-In to a clown car for all the men he’s had stuffed in his back seat, but now I don’t have to. He thanks you, I’m sure. Just be careful — that isn’t seltzer he sprays friends with.

So I’m a clown now?!

Pffft. The gutter is my skylight. You’ve only begun to plumb the depths of my depravity.

Don’t look at me. I’d rather munch on dill pickles than popcorn. John couldn’t be responsible either. Cave-In kept the bucket in his lap when they were together and there always seemed to be a hole in the bottom, because it wasn’t butter coating the kernels in John’s hand. Not surprisingly, he developed a taste for malted milk balls instead . . .

Shhhh. Don’t question him. Let’s accept the double chapter as the gift it is or, in your case, recompense for lost or stolen popcorn.

It’s only a tragedy if it ends badly. Are you trying to tell us something, Gary? Has something wicked this way come? As long as Cave-In stays the PUCK out of Hank and Chase’s lives, they should be alright. Did you decide to hamLET us read the next chapter early?

An excellent point to convey when/if Charles talks to Hank! I’m sure Charles and Christine had their share of problems over the years but it took Cancer to separate them. For a couple with that much love to recognize the same thing between Chase and Hank, that says something about what they could have when — not if — they overcome this.

Sure, there is! Take Occam’s razor to all the bullshit and make an appointment with a couples therapist. Even if the most they can be is friends, they owe it to one another to help resolve the issues between them. That’s far in the future though. For now, all Chase can do is follow his dad’s advice and keep trying. Maybe build on their mutual love of Rex and suggest they take him for a walk in the park. Hank, well, he can introspect and work up the courage to talk to Charles. If only we didn’t have to wait until next Monday . . . but I understand. Posting early, much like Cave-In’s muddy backyard, is a slippery slope. (Tee hee hee.)

Ah, but is it irreparable? Hank thinks so, and Chase suspects so, but there’s a small part of both Hank and Chase that feel otherwise. The fix is so simple too. An “I’m sorry” from Hank — not even a full apology, just “I’m sorry for how I acted” — would open the door for a longer conversation, which could lead to coffee, more conversation, and a better understanding of both where they were then and who they are now. But it hinges on Hank, and Hank needs Charles’ advice as much as Chase did.

I beg to differ! (And we know how much you love when a guy begs.) It made Chase wonder what was going on with him, but when he asked if he was okay, Hank had given a low-key, “I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Bring Rex back whenever you want.” On that note, he’d turned and disappeared back into his building. Hank’s was more of an implosion but no less significant. Like mayday said in a previous comment, Hank spoke volumes with one simple sentence: “Bring Rex back whenever you want.” Rex was the one aspect of their former partnership Hank had input in and he relinquished that. Also, as Chase realized, if it weren’t for shared custody of the dog, they’d never see each other — something else Hank quietly let go of. Maybe it was his attempt at making up for “taking Rex to the cottage” (which I still claim he didn’t do), but to me it seemed like a sign of resignation. He pulled away — retreated — which has become Hank’s M.O. lately when something goes wrong, but the subtext was this: it’s up to Chase to decide when they next speak. The more I think about it, the more it seems like Hank is resigned to the fact he was wrong about how he reacted and that it cost him any chance of reconciliation. He (subconsciously) wants Chase to continue reaching out but he doesn’t have much hope left to cling to. Or it’s a sign I need to stop reading into things so much. Hehe.

I had a similar impulse to give Cave-In a second chance after what Hank said about them going to the cabin to figure out “where we go from here” because Hank didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence. He could’ve said they were going to the cabin to discuss what to do about Hank and Chase’s relationship. But I don’t buy it. At any rate, this time Hank didn’t give the impression of guilt. He was subdued, diminished, and reminded me of someone who felt absolutely alone in the world, someone who doesn’t know where or to whom to turn. Hence his initial excitement about Charles’ return. He sort of reminded me of Chase at the beginning of the story to be honest. That leads me to believe Cave-In is no longer in the picture. I’m thinking they didn’t go to the cabin and Hank hasn’t seen him since, having isolated himself as he did before. But, say they did and say they slept together. Nothing good came out of it or Hank wouldn’t be so miserable.

You know it’ll come up eventually. Hank may not report on the events directly, and not to Chase, but what did or didn’t happen will be revealed. I personally imagine a bitter Cave-In throwing stones at Chase for ruining Hank. It’d be fun if he did so while confronting Chase but Chase hearing about it secondhand from Stacy or someone would satisfy me just as well.