rich_e

When I first met you I knew you were special. I can still see your dirty blond hair, your warm hazel eyes, and your silly goofy smile. Being around you made me tingle. When I was with you I was exactly where I was supposed to be. You made me feel alive. I remember our playful banter. I remember the smile you gave me when you saw me. I remember looking off the railing while we were together. The feeling of absolute happiness and joy I felt when you hugged me from behind and we just stayed there in silence. I remember the way you made me absolutely crazy. When I tried to make you see that I was hopelessly in love with you you pulled away. When I told myself I was going to move on you didn't let me. I remember you sitting on my doorstep when I came back from a date and the look you gave me. I will remember how you kissed me. I was sitting and you came up behind me and tilted my head back and smiled as you kissed me. Inside I was sure that I would never let you go. I still keep that memory with me. You broke my heart. You didn't feel as strongly for me and deep down I knew it. When you said goodbye I held myself together and acted like everything was fine even though I was screaming inside. I tried for a long time to get over you. I wanted to hate you. I wanted to find out you weren't so great after all. But I never did. I didn't get over you. I don't think I will ever get over you. I don't think I want to. I will keep you deep inside my heart. The emotions I felt for you were never lukewarm. I was never really yours, but you were mine. You were my first love. You were my favorite person. You were my friend. You were my unboyfriend.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDiM-DkJQIE Miguel - Leaves... seriously obsessed.

I wasn't out of the closet when I was in high school. Most of my teenage years were really confusing for me. I grew up with a lot of normalized homophobia. Any mention of anything gay was wrong and ridiculed and that was just the way it was. It was so ingrained in me that even I thought being gay was wrong. Boys were meant to be with girls and that was that. Elementary school was such a fun time for me. I got along with almost everyone and was always known as the "smart" kid. School came easy to me and I've always liked helping people. I had a lot of friends and everyone was always so nice. I remember as a child having crushes on boys and justifying it as just wanting them to be my best friend. Any girls that I became really good friends with were my crushes. I think deep down I was a little worried that I could be gay, but I fought it as much as I could. I thought if I just tried hard enough no one would know. When I entered my teenage years everything changed. We moved to a city from the suburbs and I had a huge culture shock. I didn't know anyone entering middle school, and for the first time I really felt out of place. I didn't know anyone, and it was really hard to make friends. I eventually made a couple of friends, but it wasn't the same. One day in gym I was changing into my P.E. clothes. This upperclassman came up to me and started asking me if I was gay. I hadn't so much as said a word in that class and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed quiet. I remember him saying it again, only this time it wasn't a question it was a statement. I still didn't say anything and just kept changing as fast as I could. There weren't a lot of guys in the locker room at that point because class was about to start, but at that moment I felt like the entire world was staring at me and had discovered I was gay. I got out of there as quickly as possible and that was that. A couple of days later, the same guy corned me in the bathroom. He was loud and obnoxious. I knew he was one of the popular guys and at least 3 years older than me, and honestly scared the crap out of me. He said "hey, you're that gay kid, huh?" I just stared down at the sink as I washed my hands trying to get out there. He didn't let up and said "Hey, don't worry. It's cool. You wanna give me a blowjob?" I could not believe what he was saying, and looking back I'm not sure I even completely understood what he was saying. I was only 11 at the time. I didn't know what jacking off was at that point, let alone what a blowjob could mean. And to say I was naive and innocent is probably an understatement. He continued, "Come on I know you're a fag, let me just whip it out and put it in your mouth for a little bit." That was the first time I ever heard myself referred to as a fag and it scared the shit out of me. Luckily one of the coaches came in at that point and I ran off with my face completely red, I'm sure. After that incident, I was always worried about "looking gay" or "sounding gay." I did my best to act as straight as possible. I think the rest of that year ended up being very lonely because I always questioned everything I did. When I was uncomfortable I ended up just shutting down and getting quiet. I ended up changing schools after just one year. My new middle school was completely different, luckily. I was expecting to hate it but I remember this guy coming up to me after my first class right away and striking a conversation with me. He introduced himself, and told me he and some guys were thinking about starting a band and that I should join. I remember how easy it was to talk to him right off the bat and he spent the rest of the day introducing me to people. Ivan ended up becoming my best friend for the next couple of years. We never did end up talking about the band again and come to think of it, I don't think there ever was a band. But I'm really grateful to him for putting me at ease and being so friendly to me. I still wasn't out of the closet, but I felt like I belonged. I even dated a couple of girls, and honestly I do feel like I had feelings for them. They just were never sexual. The most we ever did was make out. When one of my girlfriend's friends told me that she wanted to take things to another level, I broke up with her. It's funny thinking back on it now, but I didn't want to risk anyone finding out I was gay. We ended up becoming really close friends afterwards so it all worked out in the end. Unfortunately, the High School I ended up going to mirrored my first Middle School more than the latter. None of my friends ended up going to the same high school and once again I was alone. It took me a couple of months before I warmed up to anyone. The friends I hung out with were really more acquaintances than anything else. I ate lunch with them. I joined in conversation every now and then. But mostly I just felt really alone. I started realizing more and more that I wasn't going to be able to just turn straight and that frustrated me. I thought if I tried hard enough I could do anything, but no matter what I did I just couldn't stop being gay. In sophomore year, I met my best friend and she was great. We could talk about anything and we just clicked. The beginning of my junior year, I remember walking with her to class one day when she had to go back to her locker to get something. She told me to go on ahead and she'd meet me after class. I was walking alone to my next class when a group of girls came up to me and asked if they could ask me a question. I said sure, even though I was a little confused since I had never seen them before. They then proceeded to ask me if I was gay, because their friend thought I was cute. At that moment my heart stopped. I thought they were playing some prank on me to get me to say I was gay. I must have looked as startled as I felt, because they turned back to look at this really cute guy. At that point, I was certain they were messing with me and practically ran away. Looking back on it now, I don't think that was the case at all. I was so confused about what being gay meant that I never took into consideration that anyone else in my school could possibly be gay. I thought it was this defect I had that was reprehensible and I would never fit in. During my senior year, I found GA and it completely changed my life. The first stories I ever read were by Comicality, and I remember being so drawn to his stories because they were the fantasy I wished I could live in. I still considered them fantasies though, because no way could anyone be okay with two gay boys being together. Then I found DomLuka. There was something about The Long Way, The Ordinary Us, and Desert Dropping that just resonated with me. For the first time, not only was I happy with reading about gay characters, but I saw myself in these characters. I was immersed in their world and when they felt acceptance, I found acceptance. When they felt love, I found love. I was Owen, I was Quinn, I was Rory. And for the first time, I realized it was okay. It was okay to be gay. I came out to my best friend and when I went to college I was completely out. And I searched for my story. I recently reread Desert Dropping and it was everything that I remembered it to be. While reading it, a lot of moments came rushing back to me. My first kiss, my first boyfriend. I realized how little I've remembered over the years. I went back through my old emails and reread conversations I've had with people that are no longer in my life. I still look back on them with fond memories. I'm grateful to have had them in my life, even if they aren't here anymore. Then I found this blog that I kept during my early college years. I read through every entry, and remember each one like it was yesterday. I'm obviously feeling very nostalgic right now, but it's a good nostalgic. Every moment is not going to be great. There are going to be good times and there are going to be bad times. But I want to remember these moments because only then do I think that I'll truly be able to appreciate the value of these moments.

For the Assistant Manager position, I have a couple of tips. First off, speak to your strengths that are directly related to managing a retail store. During my interview, I mentioned being able to lead courageously, being solution oriented and results driven, and putting a big emphasis on leveraging innovation. Try to steer clear of saying stuff like you pay attention to detail, or you have a sense of urgency and constantly try to find ways to improve. These all come off as fluff. Instead, give examples that will lead them to draw the same conclusion. They are looking for someone that can manage a division of responsibility and run with it. If you have any experience with visual standards, scheduling associates, managing payroll, being responsible for loss prevention, coaching and developing staff members definitely bring it up and give specific examples. Essentially, you want to come across as a mini-store manager. Don't downplay the sales portion of it, though. You definitely want to show that you would have no problem having $300+ sales, or pushing a credit card if they have one. Managing conflict is another good thing to bring up. How would you calm a customer that wants to make a return that was denied by the system? What would you do if your closing associate called out at the last minute and everyone on staff is unable to cover the shift? If your store is experiencing a lull in traffic, how are you going to bring traffic into the store? Good Luck!

I just bought my tickets for The Circus Tour starring Britney Spears and featuring The Pussycat Dolls. Spent a ridiculous amount of money, but feel quite accomplished! I'm not a huge concert goer, and have never spent more than 30 dollars, so I figured... the hell with it. So excited! I learned last night that I'm not really good at making people feel better. I've always considered myself a really empathetic person, but perhaps that's the problem. Whenever I'm upset, I act really weird to people's attempts to make me feel better. Sometimes I'm annoyed that they won't stop asking me what's wrong, and sometimes I get upset that they don't ask me what's wrong. Sometimes I just want to be by myself, and other times I just really want someone (it's usually a specific someone) to be around me and make me feel better. And more often than not, when they ask flat out I say I don't want what I really do want. It reminds me of a movie I saw recently. In the movie, Bride Wars, there's a scene where a guy asks the girl how she's feeling. She replies that she's fine. He replies that that's not an emotion. I thought that was brilliant. Whenever something is upsetting me, I always say I'm fine. When I really am fine, I never say I'm fine. Which sounds completely ridiculous because you're complicating things by not being upfront with how you're actually feeling. At the same time, I feel like it's a self-preservation method because sometimes you're overly sensitive when you shouldn't be. The point is, when I say I'm fine, I'm not fine. And when I'm not fine, I want someone to make me feel better without asking them to make me feel better. Except when I want to be alone. So, that leads me to not knowing what to do when other people aren't fine.

lol you're adorable, even when you're drunk. "it's okay cause i have spell check." love it.

...or Robert Buckly.

Kevin Zegers, based solely on superficial characteristics: looks, mannerisms, charm.

i, personally, have made it a point to not seek out these signals. there are times when i pick them up, but people are so different that you could completely misconstrue something. i would just drive myself insane. instead, if i like someone, i just try and hang out with them more and get to know them better. if the chemistry is right then it'll be obvious and something will come of it. otherwise, i just make the assumption that it's a silly unrequited crush that i'll get over.

i completely agree. i hate when people are so afraid of crossing any sort of gender barriers. it's so elementary. god forbid a boy should wear pink or that a girl might pick up a wrench.

yeah couldn't disagree more. if you can tell that you've straightened your hair then you're just not doing it right. very few (extremely) look better with curly hair. but, of course, that's just my two cents.

blasphemy! hair was made to be straightened. my hair is too short at the moment to straighten, but it really does make hair look that much better. i didn't get it until i realized so many of my friends straighten their hair and i saw the befores and the afters. you'd become a believer.

you're gorgeous! cute outfit.

I loved this movie. Sean Penn was amazing, and the movie was very well directed. I'm pretty sure I had tears during the movie. Even though I knew what was coming, I did not expect it to happen the way it did.

I'm taking a course on Human Sexuality, which I thought was going to be interesting and philosophical, when it's just an upgraded sex ed class. Anyway, in the class the teacher was explaining that the reason men are associated more with watching pornography is that they're more visual while women are more tactile. I thought this was interesting, since five or so of my current song obsessions were just okay until I saw a video of some sort for them. This would also explain why women and gay men are expected to focus more on their appearance if they want to attract a guy. Well isn't that just grand! This is why you see gorgeous girl + blah guy. HE doesn't have to try to get her, but probably wouldn't give her a second chance if she was at his level of attractiveness. In other news, influenza got me but good. I missed a huge brand workshop at work that was a huge deal since it's only supposed to be district and store managers and I was invited. Bedridden for 3 days, completely miserable. There is nothing more irritating than having to remember to alternate between what hurts the most. lol. Now the fever's gone, the headache's gone, the chest/abdominal pain is almost gone, and I just have a small cough left. At least it's not the chronic painful cough--blech. I would get better when there's nothing important left to do in the week except study. I'm really craving pizza hut. stuffed crust, pepperoni. call me crazy, but i'm one of those that actually thinks they have the best pizza in the world, grease and all. sure, other pizza places have a better reputation and are more "respectable", and don't get me wrong, it's not bad. some are even amazing, but it's not pizza like pizza hut is pizza. whatever, i'm crazy. but i want pizza. i like how i started with capitalization and lost it somewhere in the mix. whatevs. http://www.youtube.com/user/wickydkewl this guy is ridiculous adorable, and a good way to waste away any time you may or may not have.

I really like it. I tried another club recently and it was terrible. Tigerheat ftw.

what i like most about clubs is that it's like a huge ego boost. you walk in, everyone stares at you with no shame whatsoever. 3/4 of the people there are buzzed, at least a third are on something. and no one is subtle. if someone thinks you're hot, they'll let you know. when i go to clubs, i'm not looking for a relationship. at most, two dances. maybe a phone number exchange, but i'm not going to spend my whole night dancing with one person. tonight was the countdown show and it was the greatest effing club experience i've had yet. the guys were super hot, the music was pop overload, and the vibe was just all around good. i just felt really bad when guys wouldn't get the clue. my friends and i now have a system, whenever we need to be saved, we sandwich the victim and then gradually move away. lol, i know, i'm a bitch. hot guys though, but yeah just a couple dances, don't over do it. this one guy in particular was adorable! he was such a good dancer. we danced to a couple of songs, and then CIRCUS came on and I lost it. Best. time. ever. we got a little carried away, and i don't think his boyfriend appreciated that he started making out with me when we got to the bridge. in my defense, he started it. i love tigerheat, i really do, but straight guys really need to stop going there to hook up with straight girls. it's really not cute. anyhoo i have to be up in 3 hours... but so worth it.

1. Womanizer I remember absolutely HATING this song the first few times I heard it. I was expecting Gimme More Pt. II and this was so not it. I saw the video, and it kind of made the song for me. This was a really smart choice as the first single because it's loud, it's cocky, and it's addictive. Once I started liking it, I became hooked. 9/10 2. Circus This is what I expected the first single to be like, it's the perfect description of the album. It's fierce, it's provocative, and it has a lot of bravado. I like the domineering sound of the verses, and the prechorus has this amazing build up that leads into a fun and in your face chorus. The production, the lyrics, the melody are all just amazing. 10/10 3. Out From Under Instantly my favorite off the album. It's funny because to me it's a no brainer that this is one of her best songs. A lot of people feel differently, and that leaves me dumbfounded. The lyrics in this song are just so sad! I love Britney's voice in this one. I like the play with words in the chorus, the verses pretty much sum up heart break, and the emotion in the bridge gets me every time. It's bloody brilliant I say. Bloody brilliant. 10/10 4. Kill The Lights After the first three songs, this one is in a weird place. Sometimes I can appreciate it and sometimes I'm let down. Ultimately, I think I like it. LightsCameraAction. PureSatisFaction. I keeEEl the lights. enough said. haha 7/10 5. Shattered Glass I love it. It reminds me of Stronger Pt II. I like the intro, I love how she says gla-eeeh-asss. I like when she drops into "was it really worth it..." The music is interesting, her voice is appealing, mastered pop perfection. 8/10 6. If You Seek Amy LOVE this song. Lol it's classic britney, and I love that at first I didn't like it because I didn't understand why she was talking about going after amy. BRITNEY YOU MAKE NO SENSE! NEXT. lol but once it clicked, it's just pure shameless fun. BIGGEST PET PEEVE THOUGH: people figuring it out ages later and thinking they practically came up with the play on words. lord have mercy. fun song. fun message. 9/10 7. Unusual You I really like this song! It's so melodic and eerie, but definitely in a good way. I love the line "didn't anyone tell you you're supposed to break my heart? I expect you to, so why haven't you?" I like the way it builds up, and this is one of those tracks that I think works because it's britney's voice. It's just so interesting and catchy, and part of it is because it's britney. The only thing I would change about in this song is at the very end... something along the lines of her finally realizing what she expected actually happens. I know, I know, way to be a downer. But the whole track gives me this feeling of uneasiness, so to have her walk on the line and finally begin to think that she's safe and then WHAM! Oh, I guess not. Would totally break my heart, but in a whoah! type of way. I'm not making any sense. lol 9/10 8. Blur This song isn't bad. It's not annoying. It's just not identifiably britney. Anybody could have recorded this song, and it doesn't bring anything that I felt was missing from the rest of the album. Personally, I resent this song because I feel like it took the spot of Phonography. Phonography would have made a bitching number 8!! 6/10 9. Mmm Papi Okay, so when I first heard this song I thought it was AWFUL. lol it screamed gimmick, and I thought... wow it's not even catchy. SO WRONG! lol this song is amazing, like really amazing. It's just so fun and not in the way I expected. The instrumental is probably one of the best of the album. I like Britney being stupid and coy. It just works. And that makes us lovi! Owww! 10/10 10. Mannequin I LOVE this song! At first listen, I just thought it was a lot of sound. Too much, and not enough at the same time. But when I pulled up the lyrics and really listened to it--looovvvveed it! Cool lyrics, cool sound, love it all together. And I love her voice! I can't even coherently explain why I like this song so much. 10/10 11. Lace & Leather This is a decent song. It's fun, the lyrics are playful, and it's catchy. Kind of in the same boat as Blur, though. Trouble should have been here. Totally. Sorry, Lace & Leather. 6/10 12. My Baby I detested this song. Like would not play more than 4 seconds of it because it was so bad. Then I realized it's because I hate the first lyric: "tiny hands... yes that's you..." lol terrible. The rest of the song isn't that bad, and I can appreciate her wanting to have a song for her baby. If you replace all the references to it being an actual baby, it could be a much cuter song in love song form. Personally, I would so replace it with Quicksand in a heartbeat. Quicksand was jipped. GRRR! Quicksand PWNS My Baby. 5/10 13. Radar Seriously? Seriously? Radar was barely good enough for Blackout, but to put it on this too? If anything, they should have put Toy Soldier on here, or Get Naked (or Get Back). All suitable options. Personally, I would have gone with Amnesia. 0/10 ***Phonography I LOVE this song. I think it would make a great fourth single, it's just meant for radio. The puns are delightful, the beat is infectious, and it's just all around a great track. Britney, please release this. It's such a fun dance song. Who knew a song about phonesex could sound so good? 10/10 ***Quicksand I really wish this was an album track. I like it more than 2/3 of the album (okay 7/8's), so still a little bitter that it's a bonus track in like Japan only. This is gold. The music is fantastic, the lyrics are fantastic, and the chorus is deadly catchy. The Bridge is the best there is. She should get an award for best bridge in a song EVER. 10/10 ***Trouble Tired of typing. good song. love you love you long time. 9/10 ***Amnesia I like this song. It's not my absolute favorite, so I'm okay with it being a bonus track. 7/10 Overall, favorite album of 2008. And 2007, for that matter. 2007 sucked, music wise.

Oh my, can I just add my name at the bottom? I was JUST saying the exact same thing to my roommate, practically word for word. Today's one of those days, class from 8-5, work at 6, class tomorrow early in the morning. grr. And I did a major cleaning spree around the apartment and have gotten so much done. Clutter clogs up my mind. I don't know why, but it just bugs me. Bah. and now i'm off to work. 15 minutes of internet... check.

I think Simon said it best: Wow. That's a shock. It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real.

The Pussycat Dolls totally win me over in the gay club scene. Anything from Buttons, to When I Grow Up, to Dontcha... (or even Nicole by herself with Whatever You Like) make me go crazy.

famous. aww, i love that song.

I absolutely love the song, and I love that it's not even my favorite from her album. Team Katy Perry!

David Archuleta - Crush