JSmith

Oh I failed that exam... I had no clue what the hell I was doing on it so I just bubbled in answers haha! But on the bright side I did finish my outline I had to do!

I was looking back at a lot of my blog posts and noticed a lot of them had a common theme of always rambling on about a guy... usually a different one every time. But I'm not a slut. Most of the time nothing ever happens with the guys I mention in here. Maybe it's a curse...w hich is also why I've decided to stop talking about them in here for the most part. I was going to blog about a guy tonight, but decided against it. Well, since I decided not to talk about a guy, I don't have much else to say. But I'll give it a shot. My life has been soo hectic and busy lately that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in too long to remember. If I'm not at school or work (which I usually am), I'm either out with friends or avoiding my homework. Speaking of avoiding homework, I have a huge exam tomorrow that I'm almost positive I'm going to fail because I haven't studied for it. And I also have a 5 page outline to do over some chapters in a book that I still haven't done. BUT in my defense,I was planning on doing that tonight... but then I went down to Dallas and didn't get home until 2am. So I've decided I'm f**ked (and not in the good way) tomorrow. Let's see... work! Work sucks. I hate it. It makes me want to shoot someone. But they promoted me so I guess they like me even though that feeling isn't mutual. Once I turn 18 though I'll be out of there in a heartbeat... they just don't know that yet. They also don't know that I plan on taking a LOT of time off throughout the upcoming months. I'll take off a few weekends in May for concerts and graduation and what not, a week in early July to go up for a family reunion, a week in mid/late July to probably go down to Austin to party with some totally awesome people, and then after that it probably won't matter because I shouldn't be there much longer than that. So my life has taken a pretty dramatic turn lately. I'm beginning to change my attitude a lot when it comes to what other people think about me down here. I used to take it too seriously, but now - I just don't give a f**K. If you can't accept me for who I am, then don't talk to me. If you don't like who I hang out with or any of my friends, then don't hang out with me. I'm at the point where I'm not going to walk up to every person I meet and say, "Hey, I'm gay"... that's not me. But I'm done trying to hide the fact that I am. I don't live with my parents anymore (not that it matters because my mother already knows way too much about me as it is), I'm beginning to get more and more friends that know me for who I am and not who I was, and I'm just sick of trying to conform and fit in with everyone else. So my note to everyone out there that knows me: If you don't like me... I don't give a shit. Leave me alone and we won't have a problem I've already forgotten what I said up there ^ because my memory is total crap and I'm too lazy to re-read what I wrote. SO, I think I'm going to procrastinate again and not do my outlines tonight and just go to sleep. And I realize this whole blog sounds like one big rant (which it pretty much was), but it's better than me talking about another guy and looking like a bigger slut than half the people on here already think I am (which I'm not). So I hope you all have an awesome day tomorrow because I know I sure as hell will Have a goood night! Joe (Who had an amazing night tonight and doesn't want it to end)

Razor is right. The chatroom subscription runs out in May. It's another $150 to keep it open for another year. If only two or three people use it, there's not much incentive to renew the subscription. Joe

Right, but the thing is... for the past 3 days he's texted me all throughout work. And he hasn't called/texted me at all today yet. Where I work we can't use them unless we're on break (or we sneak away from the managers) so I guess that's good for me because I won't check it every 5 seconds.

I don't remember writing that...

Forgive me if none of this makes sense because I'm beyond drunk right now. I have played so many games of beer pong that I can't remem ber the number that I've gone through. Anyway, today was the first time that Iv'e flat out asked a guy if he was gay. It's a long story, but the short version is: he's gay and interested in me (or so the last time I checked which was last night). Well I was very interested in him and we had a date planned for tonight where we were just going to watch a movie and hang out, but he got called into work. But he never responded to my texts I sent earlier so I'm kinda paranoid that maybe something made him lose interest in me. I'm not sure but it bugs the hell out of me because it was the first date I would have had in over 4 months. I don't want to be the type of person tha annoys the hell out of you from the beginning by always wanting to text/talk to you, but I dont want to just sit here and do nothing. I'm sick of being the one to just sit and wait for things to happen. I want to change that and become someone that actually makes those things happen. But I'm beyond drunk and it's taken me at least 20 minutes to write this and fix my typos and grammar so I'm going to pass out. I just hope my paranoia was for nothing and he really is interested because that really would mean a lot to me. Good night everyone. And a special goodnight to Bruce Joe (Who is so beyond wasted that it's not even funny)

Are the logs read? Yes. Are they read word-for-word every day? No. Do we ignore people that talk to themselves? Unless we're bored. Hope that helps

Awesome movie. There aren't many this good that come around often so I recommend that everyone see it.

Hey Viv! Creepy old guys are never fun... and for you getting 3 days in a row off. Maybe I should move out there instead. They called me in on my only day off tomorrow

As long as it's a newer phone and you make sure it's unlocked when you buy it, then you should just be able to stick the SIM card in it. Easiest way to do that is to check the seller's feedback rating. If it sucks, don't buy it. If they have a lot of previous transactions with no complaints, then you're usually alright to try them out.

I haven't written a blog entry in I don't know how long so I think it's time. My life has been rather boring lately. I wake up at 5:30am, at work at 6, come home, eat, and repeat the process the next day. I do have some fun things planned though. Feb. 24th - Party with some friends. We'll probably have a movie night because I have my projector in the living room giving us a huge screen, but we may just have some fun (all legal, I swear!). March 12th - I think school starts either March 12th or just after that. I'm looking forward to it a lot. There are a lot of cute guys on the campus that I've seen so far so that's always a plus. I'll be living on campus until Summer starts when I'll move back here. I'm just going to I can meet a bunch of new people and get that whole college dorm life experience crap. On the bright side, I'll still have a bed here if I need it for anything (like perhaps if I get a homophobic roomy that frowns upon me f**king like a rabbit in the same room as him Not that I get any, but just in case, it's good to have a backup. March 16th- Theres a My Chemical Romance Tour concert in San Antonio that Friday so I think I might drive down and go to it. I'd love to go to the concert but I don't know if I'd be able to actually do it. I'd take Friday night and all of Saturday off of work and head down for the weekend. Jeff said he'd go with me to see MCR and there's still floor tickets available so I need to decide now if I'm going to do it. March 24th - Oh god. I have to go to Prom. I don't want to go to prom for a lot of reasons. First, I don't dance. I can't dance so I don't even attempt to do it. Second, it's my old school's prom so I'll know a lot of people there, most of which I don't like. Third, it's going to be expensive as hell to do it. A few hundred bucks in one night for something that I don't want to do in the first place. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Fourth, the after party is going to suck. There will be no (for lack of a more incriminating term) 'fun' things there. And there will be a few people there that I can't stand to be around, but I'll just have to suck it up I guess. Fifth, it's with a chick! I mean shes a good friend and all, but come on! I really don't want to go to prom! May ??- I finally made my mom happy. After I told her I was going to prom with a girl I told her I'd walk at my HS graduation. She wants lots of pictures of both. I hate pictures normally, but it's even worse when I'm all dressed up. Bah! I guess on the bright side I'll be sitting almost right next to Adam so I'll have some nice eye candy. And that's all I have planned for now. Nothing too exciting, but I was in the mood to blog and I had nothing interesting to say. Oh! There is one thing though. There's 2 guys that work the night shift that I think are gay. One of them, Jonathan, I'm almost positive about. The other, Andrew, very well could be, but I'm not sure when it comes to him. We never work, but he smiles at me when he sees me. He's pretty cute too. When I start college I'll have to move to doing the night shifts so maybe I can get to know him then. I'll feel him out personally or ask the slutty Asian chick I work with if he's into guys. She might know... her hands are all over everyone so if anyone knew there, it'd be her. I also ordered a new phone today. I finally got sick of mine dropping almost every call and never having service so I bought a Mororola L7. It should be here some time next week. I'm excited about it Anyway it's time for sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours for work. Goody! Joe (Who's looking forward to a lot of things) EDIT: I forgot about this song because it's pretty old (and country), but it fits my life very well almost all the time: I'm In A Hurry To Get Things Done - Alabama "I'm in a hurry to get things done, Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun. All I really gotta do is, live and die, But I'm in a hurry and don't know why. Don’t know why I have to drive so fast My car has nothing to prove It’s not new, but it’ll 0-60 in 5.2, oh Chorus Can’t be late I leave in plenty of time Shakin’ hands with the clock I can’t stop I’m on a roll & I’m ready to rock oh, Chorus I hear a voice It says I’m running behind I better pick up my pace It’s a race & there ain’t no room for someone in 2nd place" That bold phrase right there perfectly fits my life.

Congrats, CJ! (Pushes out the temptation to reset his post count to 2999) Sometimes the forums will get behind on correcting it. As far as I know, Myr and I can't change his PPD average. Joe

Announcements only stay up for a limited time before they expire. If every announcement posted stayed online forever, there would be so many that only a few actual threads would be displayed on each page. Neither Author was asked to leave. Both requested removal from the site for their personal reasons. If you're curious as to why they left, the best route to go with that would be to ask the authors themselves. When Hosted Authors leave the site, it is SOP to post a global announcement for 2 weeks to a month letting the members know. However, sometimes they request we don't post an announcement and ask that we keep it 'low-key' so as not to attract too much attention. We try to comply with all wishes that the authors have when they leave. If you have any other questions about this, please PM me or email me at Joe@gayauthors.org Joe

As Drew said, both Authors had announcements about leaving. By following Julien's sites, you can find his most recent area here: http://juliengregg.acannex.us/ I don't currently have Rob's new site, but you can either PM through the forums or email him at rhawes16@hotmail.com Joe

If you haven't read the book for one more day by Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays with Morrie), then I do suggest it to everyone. I'll be the first to admit that I never read books like this, but my mom sent it to me and asked me to read it. I think it's the first time I've gotten this emotional over something I've read. If you have read it and enjoyed it, then good. If you didn't enjoy it, then please keep it to yourself. Joe

I agree with Jeff. We should all party sometime. But let's do it at Val's house because the cops aren't very pretty here

That's Awesome! When I took it, I got a 12/12 and the only comment they wrote on it was "Write Bigger". I didn't write bigger on the next one, but oh well. Congrats on doing so well! Joe

To add to the fun today, my mother is coming into town! Woo Freaking Hoo.... At least I'll have a good dinner for once now that she's here. Joe

For the first time in a very long time, I cried tonight. I think I needed it though. I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time I just let it all go. Despite the fact that it was cold and rainy, it felt good. It’s been raining here for the past few hours so there’s a huge puddle around my car that’s about 6 inches deep and only getting bigger. Try getting into your car with 6 inches of water all around it. It’s not easy. But I went to the park to think again tonight. I didn’t have a chance to do that in Missouri for a while because it was too damn cold, so it felt good just to stand out there and think while it was raining. I don’t know what it is about going to the park while it’s raining, but it’s always been a sort of comfort zone for me. The rain drives everyone else inside so you’re completely alone. It’s dark and the rain completely consumes you. The natural rhythm of the rain and occasional thunder calms you down. Anyway, this blog isn’t really about me standing like an idiot in the rain for an hour, but more of what I was thinking about while doing that. I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to change. I want to change. I need to change. I’m sick of hiding who I am. I’m always avoiding certain conversations with people because it could lead to my sexuality, and I’m tired of not being able to be myself. I had a small taste of that life in Missouri. For the short time that I was there, I came out to a lot of people, I made friends that accepted who I was, I had a boyfriend, and I was able to be myself around people for once. I don’t have that here, but I want it. And I think now is the time to do something about it. I really did have a lot more to say when I was walking around in the rain. I was able to think a lot better out there. If only my laptop was waterproof. Bah! So to make a long story short because I don’t want to rethink everything, I’ll sum it up in a few sentences. My life sucks right now, and I’m ready for change. I know what I want to do, I’m just not sure if I should do it. Even if I go ahead and decide that I want to be open and be myself, I’m not really sure how to accomplish that. As hard as it is for me, I am willing to risk losing a few friends over being myself. If my brother and sister don’t like it, so be it. Just because we live in the same house doesn’t mean we have to be friends. I think I’m at that point in life where I either continue living like I do for the next 5 years and hiding who I am until I move out on my own and start a ‘new’ life, or I start living my life like I want to right now. It seems like such a simple decision, but it still scares the shit out of me. Joe (Who wishes it would never stop raining)

It's that time of year and our writers are already getting ready for the 2007 Spring Anthology. We're going to take nominations for all four anthologies right now and then in about a week, we'll have a final vote. Here's what was already suggested, but please add to the list! Spring - Groundhog Day - Mother's Day - Spring Break - Valentine’s Day Summer - Heat (in regards towards Hot weather) Fall - Rememberance/Veterans Day (Basicly a war theme) - Thanksgiving Day - Back to School Winter - New Years - Holiday Joe

I don’t know how they do it. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I really can’t fathom how some people are as out as they are. I can understand when you’re out of the house and you don’t have to worry about being kicked out or anything, but for those teens that still are living with their parents and are completely out, I applaud them for their courageousness. I’m not even living with my parents anymore, my mom already knows about me, I assume my brother knows, my sister is iffy but I know she won’t really care too much, but I still can’t take the step and just f**king tell people. I mean, if I do start telling people, there’s a good chance that I’ll lose a few friends right now. Which isn’t really that bad considering I’m basically starting over and I’ll end up meeting a lot of new people at college. And if I’m out now, then the friends I make at college will already know and I can really be myself. It seems like such a simple decision, but it’s those 3 or 4 people that I know wouldn’t accept it that stops me I think. I hate that I’m so susceptible to what others think about me. It doesn’t even matter if I despise the person; I still care what they think. It sucks. On one hand I want to be myself. I want to be open and able to do what I want without thinking about how others will think of me. On the other, I just can’t. The years of living how I have and the friends I’ve made I guess are holding me back. Sometimes I do think about what it would be like to just say f**K it all, I don’t care if you like me or not, this is who I am, accept it or don’t. It’s a really attractive offer that I’m more than capable of doing, but somehow I always talk myself out of it for one reason or another. I think it’s time for me to really think about how I’m going to live my life starting with the New Year. This blog really doesn’t have a purpose other than to let loose some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately. When I opened my blog I was going to post a funny story about what happened today, but somehow ended up getting sidetracked and posted this instead. Meh, oh well. Joe (Who finally had an awesome dream last night, but is sad it’ll never come true)

I'm late, but it's better late than never... Happy Birthday, Jack Joe

If any of you have sent something to my MSN/Hotmail email address within the past 6 months (starting in July), then I sincerely apoligize for just now reading it. I don't check that email. I only use it for MSN. The best way to reach me is through PM or my Joe@gayauthors.org account. I had 10-15 emails from members about issues that took place months ago, but I just now read them. If you were one of those people and you were wondering why you didn't get a response, this would be why. Once again, I'm sorry I didnt get to it sooner, but I wasn't actually paying attention to the fact that people might send things to that account. But please, in the future send it to my GayAuthors account or my personal account should you know what it is. It'll get to me a lot quicker that way. Thanks and Happy Holidays to everyone Joe

I lived in Texas for 8 years, so I know I won't mind it. I'll be in the Dallas area, so not too far from Denton. I may check out the Recycled Books place. I'm always looking for cheap books :)Thanks for the luck :)Joe

I haven't written an entry in a month. I've been too busy with everything lately that I haven't had the time to just sit down and write something. Not that it really matters though because nothing exciting is happening in my life. But, for those of you that are insanely bored and feel the need to read every blog post just because you have nothing better to do, then have fun Let's start out with Adam... and Ryan. Most of you don't know about Ryan, so I'll just ignore him and move on to Adam. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks now. I've stopped looking for him in the halls now and don't really know if I ever pass by him. I'm taking that as a good sign though. Hopefully it means I'm moving on and getting over my infatuation with him. I really need to get over it. I don’t understand how I’m such a chicken when it comes to things like this. I never even talked to him. Oh well… that should make it easier for me. School sucks. Senioritis kicked in for me. I don’t think I’ve done homework in a month and I wait until the last possible minute to do my projects. Meh. Somehow I manage to sleep in almost every class, yet get all As. I wonder how I do it sometimes, but I stop thinking about it because I really don’t care as long as it’s happening. I have a total of 10 days left before I graduate. December 21st is my last day. That last week is filled with 7 finals for me though  The F.I.N.A.L.S acronym really relates to me this year – f**K I Never Actually Learned this Shit. I gave my 2 weeks notice for work yesterday. They weren’t too happy, but f**K ‘em. I gave them a lot of work for not very much pay, and I hated the job anyways. Loved the people, but the job was boring and frustrating. Old people shouldn’t be allowed into restaurants past 5 O’clock. They need a curfew. I’m moving to Texas in 17 days. Well technically I’m leaving for Texas in 19, but I leave Kansas City on the 24th, drive down with my mom, dad, and sister to my aunts house, spend Christmas there, and then on the 26th my sister and I will drive my car and all my crap down to Texas while my parents come back home. I’m excited, but nervous as hell too. I finish work on the 20th and then need to start packing all my crap for the move, but I’ll probably continue my trend of procrastination and wait until the 23rd to do it all. Which sucks because I need to take all my furniture with me and it’s a pain to break it all down. Bah. Oh well. I. Hate. Writing. Poetry. It’s hard for me to write a serious poem. I either have to make it funny or make it very sarcastic. All that figurative language bullshit doesn’t work with me. Wow… I rambled on more than I thought I would so I’ll finish it up now. Happy Holidays Everyone Joe (Who is way too wired to go to bed right now)