Subtle Beauty - 20. Chapter 20

During the few seconds it took for Mich to turn from the door to me, my senses heightened. Funny as it might sound, I thought I tasted in my mouth the bittersweet flavor of the dark chocolate I ate an hour ago. I distinctly heard my heart beating against my chest and the rush of air as it went in and out of my nose. The pinprick feeling of Seb’s claws against my skin as he scratched in his sleep almost made me cry out in pain. And I saw with detailed clarity the hopeful glint in Mich’s eyes together with the furrowing of his brows and the slightly annoyed curve of his lips.

My body sagged on the couch I sat on. What do I do now? Mich looked at me, his eyes brimming with questions I wasn’t sure I had the answers to. Is it wrong for me to hope that maybe we can forget about everything that happened and start anew? I didn’t know I could be this selfish, but my heart was being unreasonable. All that my hands wanted was to touch his body and caress the outline of his face. If only for the last time.

The frown on his face deepened probably because he witnessed the momentary confusion that crossed my face. If only for the last time? I didn’t know my mind still had a say in this matter. True, Mich and I didn’t part on good terms, so we owed each other some kind of closure at least. But what am I to do? This wasn’t as easy as writing two options on separate pieces of paper, putting them in a bowl and picking with my eyes closed. This is important, this involves Mich.

I should have thought about this more, but whenever it came to it, I chickened out. This was my problem. When faced with difficulties, my first reaction was to ignore them. And I end up choosing the option that causes more hurt to those I love. What right did I have to hurt Mich for the second time?

His face reflected the frustration that seemed to emanate from him. How long had we been looking at each other without saying anything? The silent questions passing between us remained unanswered. I feared that if we continued down this path, we’d end up hurting each other more. Someone needed to speak up, I have to say something.

After a long time of silence, I opened my mouth to speak. “Would you mind if we talk about,”—us—“what happened?”

His smile brightened his otherwise haggard face and I found my defenses crumbling. My instinct told me to keep Mich happy, but is that the best thing to do?

With careful steps, he moved toward me, his wide smile never faltering. He sat beside me on the couch, much too close for my liking. His smell reached me, pulling me in. I missed that. The lingering almond scent of his shampoo made me want to reach out and run my fingers through his hair. I even detected a hint of his aftershave and the light perfume that he wore.

He inched closer to me and since I couldn’t think of anything else to prevent him from coming closer, I gently lay Seb in between us. The furry critter opened different colored eyes for a bit before stretching his lithe body and returning to sleep. When I raised my head, my gaze landed on Mich’s sad blue eyes, the unvoiced questions making their appearance in them again. I couldn’t do anything but to avert my face. Without looking, my hand moved to stroke the cat, but instead landed on another soft warm hand. A familiar caress sent shivers down my spine before he trapped my hand in his.

Unable to take my hand away from his grasp, I resigned myself to the unwanted (wanted?) sensations resulting from our connection. How I missed your touch. I ran my tongue over my lips. “How’ve you been?”

I fixed my eyes on the view outside the window as I feared that seeing his hand clasping mine would send me over the edge. I still don’t know what to do. My heart wanted one thing, but my mind another.

“How do you think I’m doing?” There was no hint of accusation in his voice, but I still felt a stab of pain in my heart. A shiver that rocked my body uncontrollably followed, but quickly stopped as I sensed the tightening of Mich’s grip on my hand.

Seb’s fur brushed against my wrist as he jumped to the floor. Turning around, he eyed me then turned his attention to Mich, his tail wagging playfully in the air. Surprisingly, he came to me and rubbed his body against my legs several times before laying his body on top of my feet.

“He likes you.”

I felt a faint smile on my lips. Yes he does. “Mich, why? I mean, what’s the reason behind Seb?”

“Seb.” He paused, shrouding the room in silence for a while. In the stillness, I heard the purring sound the cat made. “It suits him. I must admit that Sebastian is too fancy, but I wanted to...”

Yes? I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t utter another word. With my heart pounding hard, I let his name roll in my lips. “Mich.”

His breathing hitched and I felt the hand clasping mine turn rigid. In a tone I couldn’t discern, he said, “Can you say my name again, please?”

“Mich.” And it echoed in my head, making my insides churn.

“I’ve missed you, Coop.” A sigh escaped him, I felt the warmth of his breath brush against my nape. “You’ve no idea how much. There are nights I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking of you. Our memories together play on my mind and they bring me so much happiness. But somehow, I always end up crying.”

How can I be so insensitive? Why is it I can resist wrapping my arms around him after knowing how much he’s hurting? I didn’t deserve him after all, I just don’t. The realization brought tears to my eyes and before long, bountiful yet silent tears streaked my face. Mich had no idea, I made sure of that. He could only see the back of my head and I kept at bay the shudders that usually accompanied this kind of crying.

While I shed more tears, he continued. “Through all of these, the thing that kept nagging at me was that you’re all alone in this apartment. I had to do something or I’d go crazy from worrying too much. After a lot of thinking, an idea came to me.”

Sebastian. If Mich saw even the outline of my face, he’d know I was crying so I didn’t risk looking at the tabby sleeping at my feet.

“I thought of giving you a dog at first, but proprietors don’t usually allow dogs in their buildings so I had to come up with something else. As I looked around the pet store, I saw Seb, and the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he was for you. And I’m right, you two look good together.” A gentle brush of his thumb against my hand brought more tears to my eyes. “I gave him my middle name so... I could still be with you, sort of.”

He shook my hand a bit. “Coop, can you please look at me?”

“I... can’t.” Did I mask the fact I was crying from my voice? I hoped I did, for his sake. Everything I did and what I was about to do were for him.

“Sometimes, I just don’t understand you.” The tremor in his voice tugged at my heart and the shock halted my tears.

Blinking away the dampness that lingered in my eyes, my ears perked up to hear what Mich has to say.

“Why must you push away the people who love you?” He sighed again. “I did something bad, I know that now, and I’m sorry for it. You pushed Luke away and you’re doing the same thing with me. Will you cut me some slack and take me back, please? I... wanna be with you so bad.”

I wanna be with you too. Why couldn’t I say it aloud? I did it before, blurted out things I didn’t mean to. What’s different this time? How cruel of me!

“I’ll do everything you want,” he pleaded.

A tiny ray of hope brightened my otherwise bleary outlook on my relationship with Mich. “Will you promise not to get involved when people say bad things about me?”

His answer didn’t come instantly, but I felt like I knew his reply before he even uttered them, his hesitation gave him away. “Don’t ask me that.”

My resolve got stronger. This is the right thing to do. “Grandpa visited me and asked me a favor.”

“He did?” After a while, “What did he say?”

Pondering what to say despite of the million thoughts that plagued my mind was hard. With my heart on my throat, I steeled myself for what I had to do. “He asked me to look after you once he’s... gone.”

“What was your reply?” he asked in a voice full of hope. In my mind I saw a picture of his handsome face with his eyes shining brightly.

“I promised him I’d take care of you.” I regretted the words as soon as I uttered them. Would he misinterpret what I said?

“Does that mean what I think it means?” He misread my silence because the next thing I knew, his arms tightly wrapped me in an embrace.

The shock disoriented me for a while and without thinking, I leaned my head against his face, the sensation of being this close to him overriding the logic that had kept me from breaking down. This is the easier choice, but is this what’s good for him? Snapping my head upright, I freed myself from his embrace and he let go of me resignedly.

“I promised Grandpa I’d look after you, but it was up to me how I’d do it.” I paused, allowing time for my words to sink in. When I felt him ready, I continued. “I’m gonna be with you, Mich. As your friend.”

I pretended to be brave, heck I’d been pretending ever since I told Mich to stay. But it didn’t mean that I was prepared for the words that came out of my mouth. Something shattered inside me, I felt it, even heard the faintest cracking sound it made. Was that my heart? It couldn’t be. After what I just said, I decided I had no heart. Then what’s hurting at the left side of my chest?

Numbness enveloped my body and I felt myself shaking from a coldness that emanated from deep within. I thought it couldn’t get worse, but his words told me how wrong I was.

“I love you, Coop, and again, I’m sorry. But if it’s ok with you, I don’t wanna be friends. I won’t be able to stand being with you, but unable to wrap my arms around you. I’d go mad if all I get to do is look at those damn fucking enticing lips of yours, but not be able to kiss them. I can’t do it. If pity was your only reason for agreeing to what Grandpa asked then forget about the promise. I would rather you let me go.”

Turning around, I faced Mich and a mix of hurt and annoyance painted his face. Lowering my head, I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I’m... I’m...”

I couldn’t even say the words ‘I’m sorry.’ What’s wrong with me? The anger I had with myself dissipated when I saw tears falling onto my wrist. Looking up, Mich’s teary face was like a slap on mine. Fuck it, whatever the consequence, I just can’t do this to him.

Leaning close, I whispered ‘I’m not gonna let you let me go’ in his ear then placed my lips on his face, kissing his tears away. Mich’s eyes went wide with amazement for a while, but then he wrapped his arms around me.